Dumpers V dumpees

[Jimmyjackson]

Do any of you dumpers ever think of your exes at all? search them on facebook and such things to see how they are/what they're doing?

[KatZee]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this is likely because you were never emotionally invested in the relationship to begin with.

 

I'm the same way too. And no, that's not true. I just know that when the time is up, it's up. I'm good at disconnecting. Even when I wasnthe dumpee I moved past a 3 year relationship fairly quickly.

[KatZee]

Do any of you dumpers ever think of your exes at all? search them on facebook and such things to see how they are/what they're doing?

 

I do look at a few on Facebook but honestly who doesn't lol. I have no feeling towards these people, I do it more out of curiosity sake. Not because I miss them/want them back/regret the split/hope they come back/etc etc.

[Jimmyjackson]

I do look at a few on Facebook but honestly who doesn't lol. I have no feeling towards these people, I do it more out of curiosity sake. Not because I miss them/want them back/regret the split/hope they come back/etc etc.

 

I understand that, you must be thinking of them on some level though to look them up? I guess it depends on how frequently you are searching them? if it's every day then surely something's amiss..

[metaversus]

Do you not think that you were in love at one point, but fell out of love? Whether it be by your partners actions or just your own mind...you just lost that love?

 

Personally no. I was never in love with at any point with any of the guys I've broken up with. Yet every guy I have ever been in love with (4) has broken up with me.

[metaversus]

I do look at a few on Facebook but honestly who doesn't lol. I have no feeling towards these people, I do it more out of curiosity sake. Not because I miss them/want them back/regret the split/hope they come back/etc etc.

 

You're allowed to care about your ex but not want to get back together with them.

[KatZee]

I understand that, you must be thinking of them on some level though to look them up? I guess it depends on how frequently you are searching them? if it's every day then surely something's amiss..

 

Honestly I'm guilty as a Facebook stalker. And no of course I'm not looking these exes up on a daily basis at all. It'll be if a mutal friend had something posted and I see a name pop up, I click it. I'm a mosey person in general. Noses does not equate emotion.

[Jimmyjackson]

Personally no. I was never in love with at any point with any of the guys I've broken up with. Yet every guy I have ever been in love with (4) has broken up with me.

 

I hear what you're saying. I guess it's just sad for me, the first girl I was in love with, if she broke up with me then maybe she never actually loved me back, even though she said she did? Bit of a disappointing thought is all...

[KatZee]

I hear what you're saying. I guess it's just sad for me, the first girl I was in love with, if she broke up with me then maybe she never actually loved me back, even though she said she did? Bit of a disappointing thought is all...

 

I was going to ask if there was some reason you keep asking these questions. It's obvious you're holding out hope that she's going to come back. It's rough but you just have to move on.

[jojojo_92]

Totally sucks jojojo. How long was your relationship? Do you have a thread about it on here?

I'm starting to feel the change budding within me, but I haven't actively taken steps to make these changes yet. My relationship was short (4 months), but I consider him to be one of the (4) great loves of my life. I predict this is going to take me a few months to get over. I'll probably have to go through another cycle.

This past week was better because I was texting with a new (Tinder) guy I had hope for. We had our first date yesterday but it didn't work out, and that sent me back into a depressive, cyber-stalking my ex state last night. I blew off a party all my friends were expecting me at and gave them some lame excuse why I couldn't go. I probably would have met a lot of new people there too, but I just wasn't in any state to be festive last night. I couldn't even bring myself to fake it.

I'm feeling a little better today though. This forum helps a lot, just reading about other people in the same situations.

Like I said, some days are better than others.

 

Hey, its here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/503055-3-weeks-after-breakup-time-move#post5993490

 

Almost 5 years. Not gonna lie, I'm still hoping because it's been 3 weeks but I dunno, the longer it takes the less I think we'll get back together. Worst part is that my birthday's coming up and he spent £200 on theatre tickets and booked 3 days off work so I'll be wondering wth he's doing.

 

That exact same scenario happened to me with tinder! I guess it's just not the same ....yet. Hopefully. These forums have been helping though, it's almost therapeutic!

[Jimmyjackson]

I was going to ask if there was some reason you keep asking these questions. It's obvious you're holding out hope that she's going to come back. It's rough but you just have to move on.

 

Yeah, a little of me is still holding out for this as you can imagine. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel though, it's been two months now and I feel a lot better now than I did before. Just have my good and bad days sometimes.

[metaversus]

I hear what you're saying. I guess it's just sad for me, the first girl I was in love with, if she broke up with me then maybe she never actually loved me back, even though she said she did? Bit of a disappointing thought is all...

 

What was her reason for breaking up with you? What are the circumstances? Is there a thread somewhere about it?

[KatZee]

You're allowed to care about your ex but not want to get back together with them.

 

Oh I'm sure this is true. I just don't care about mine.

[BC1980]

Once these feelings are gone, is there no looking back?

 

Probably not. If someone looses feelings, that's a worst case scenario because there is nothing you can do to fix that. You would be perfect on paper, but you can't change someone's heart. You're young. You will learn that feelings come and go. That's why the divorce rate is so high and why sites like this are so popular. It sucks, but it's the truth. Feelings can easily change, and it's not something anyone can control.

[Gloria25]

Both posted insightful repsonses. If the dumper has in fact moved on and prepared themselves for it, what are the chances of them having a change of heart?

 

I don't know, it depends.

 

Just curious, have you really, really sat down and pondered whether or not you want the ex, the RL, or just not to be rejected?

 

I mean honestly, I've had times I could realistically say that I did want X person back cuz they had certain qualities I liked and/or they treated me a certain way.

 

I've had times that I didn't necessarily want to get back with X guy, but I got used to the RL (i.e. hanging out with him, the fun times, etc.). I usually fly solo, and he spent so much time with me that I had to get used to flying solo again. I sorta missed the "company" more than him.

 

I've also had times that I pondered "what am I doing wrong?" - in other words, didn't have to with me wanting them, but since they didn't want me, was I going to end up making the same mistake with someone else.

Edited November 24, 2014 by Gloria25

[Sugarkane]

Do any of you dumpers ever think of your exes at all? search them on facebook and such things to see how they are/what they're doing?

 

The one time I was a dumper, I was depressed longer after and didn't date. There was no cheating. I just hope he is happy and doing well.

[Sugarkane]

Another time I was casually dating two guys. I was always nervous because they lived in the same suburb. I felt pressure to chose one. I ended up choosing the wrong one and got my heart ripped out and stomped on. I had deleted the other guys number and was never able to find him.

Edited November 24, 2014 by Sugarkane

[Jimmyjackson]

What was her reason for breaking up with you? What are the circumstances? Is there a thread somewhere about it?

 

Long story short, she was going to volunteer for 2 months in Africa (she applied for it before she met me). About two weeks before she left we were having problems, getting irritable around each other. She confessed that she wasn't sure if she felt the same and wasn't as excited to see me anymore. Before she left we were on good terms, "i love you so much", "going to think about you everyday" etc...

 

Looking back, she probably still went away unsure, I couldn't contact her while she was there apart from once or twice. She came back said she didn't feel the same anymore and admitted to meeting someone while there she was attracted to, but didn't cheat as her plan was to be with me. When she returned she realised after seeing me again that it was no longer there.

 

She still keeps in touch with this guy but won't ever see him again as he lives in Africa, I'm guessing eventually her feelings for him will fade as she will be frustrated not being able to see him, facebook/skype isn't enough to keep this 'relationship' going.

 

In some ways she left me for him, but then again she was already having doubts before she left for Africa, before she met him or anyone else.

[Jimmyjackson]

I don't know, it depends.

 

Just curious, have you really, really sat down and pondered whether or not you want the ex, the RL, or just not to be rejected?

 

I mean honestly, I've had times I could realistically say that I did want X person back cuz they had certain qualities I liked and/or they treated me a certain way.

 

I've had times that I didn't necessarily want to get back with X guy, but I got used to the RL (i.e. hanging out with him, the fun times, etc.). I usually fly solo, and he spent so much time with me that I had to get used to flying solo again. I sorta missed the "company" more than him.

 

I've also had times that I pondered "what am I doing wrong?" - in other words, didn't have to with me wanting them, but since they didn't want me, was I going to end up making the same mistake with someone else.

 

Yeah, I've thought about this a lot, it's a bit of both I guess. She ticked a lot of boxes that I look for a in a girl, in my small town it's hard to find girls with similar qualities.

 

But yeah I got used to being with someone I guess too, I enjoyed having the company, going places, having someone there too.

 

It was my first relationship and to be honest, it's rare people stay with their first right?

[annisk]

One guy was a pretty neglectful boyfriend. He was more into playing world of Warcraft than having a relationship.

 

The other guy literally didn't do anything wrong I just wasn't attracted to him and wasn't in love with him. He was talking moving in together and marriage and I just had to leave.

 

Hey KatZee, interesting post. I have some questions to ask you regarding the second guy you mentioned if you don't mind.

 

1. How long were you guys in a relationship for?

 

2. Do people genuinely get into relationships with someone they're not in love with? Actually I already know the answer to this, it's yes, I've had friends who've done it. But how can you tell if someone is in love with you?

 

3. How old were the both of you when this happened? Do you think all his talk about getting married and moving in together scared you off or were you genuinely not attracted to him?

 

[annisk]

Jimmyjackson, I do think dumpers feel remorse as well but they definitely do move on a lot quicker than dumpees.

 

About them coming back, no one really has the answer to that. Some times they do, some times they don't. It's no good to bank on it anyway. Also please do not think that going NC is going to get them to come back to you. Some times they do, but it's not with intentions of getting back together, only due to mere curiosity of what's going on in your life. So don't get too excited when you hear from them. You should really only do NC to help you recover and move on. It always makes me sad to read how many posters on here go NC in hopes of their ex coming back. I know it's only natural to hope so, and that's fine, but I wouldn't hold on to that hope myself.

 

"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man." - Friedrich Nietzsche

 

Stay strong

Edited November 24, 2014 by annisk

[Jimmyjackson]

Jimmyjackson, I do think dumpers feel remorse as well but they definitely do move on a lot quicker than dumpees.

 

About them coming back, no one really has the answer to that. Some times they do, some times they don't. It's no good to bank on it anyway. Also please do not think that going NC is going to get them to come back to you. Some times they do, but it's not with intentions of getting back together, only due to mere curiosity of what's going on in your life. So don't get too excited when you hear from them. You should really only do NC to help you recover and move on. It always makes me sad to read how many posters on here go NC in hopes of their ex coming back. I know it's only natural to hope so, and that's fine, but I wouldn't hold on to that hope myself.

 

"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man." - Friedrich Nietzsche

 

Stay strong

 

Yeah I totally agree with you, its obviously natural to have that hope in the back of your mind. The urge to contact her isn't there anymore anyway, I guess the idea of trying to meet someone new who I feel about the same way I once did of her is the scary part...

[Jsbodhi]

I've always been the dumper and this was my first time being the dumpee.

Totally prefer to be dumpee!!! Who knew!

The power is out of your hands, all you can do is make plans for yourself and get excited about the future. It hurt like hell, but I was excited for all the things to come. The best thing about being single is that you never know what's out there for you!

[Jsbodhi]

I did as the dumper at the really special ones. But two of my exes are now 2 of my closest friends. I have a hard time letting people go.

 

(Answering if dumpers care about their exes a d look on fb etc)

[BC1980]

Yeah I totally agree with you, its obviously natural to have that hope in the back of your mind. The urge to contact her isn't there anymore anyway, I guess the idea of trying to meet someone new who I feel about the same way I once did of her is the scary part...

 

The hope they will come back is natural because, in your eyes, you think it will right the wrong that has been done. Your entire world has been put into upheaval, so you naturally want to put it back the way it was.