Married 26 years & very unhappy

[momof6]

I have brought up the marriage counselling a couple years ago.

But he hands down said no. He doesnt think counselling is necessary & views it as a waste of $$$$ .

3 of our older kids see therapists.

Our son for depression.

Our oldest daughter no longer sees a therapist but she did for the first 2 years she lived away from home. But she seems to be foing fine now.

Our middle daughter has severe social anxiety & ocd so she sees a psychologist on a regular basis. She really needs this therapy.

You see I have been pretty much attending her therapy with her .

I am dealing with these issues my kids are having day in & day out,on my own

It has been a rough few years .

I love my kids & will do whatever I have to for them.

Now I'm not saying hubby doesnt love our kids. He does but I am always the parent who deals with these situations on my own And it gets overwhelming at times :(

I know hubby gets overwhelmed with all the financial responsibility but I would like a little support with the kids issues !!!

I am going to see my dr.next week about seeking individual therapy cuz I do believe in therapy & I feel I need this!!!

I will work on myself & making vhanges in myself which will hopefully make things better with us !!!

[d0nnivain]

You are overwhelmed as a SAHM. He is overwhelmed with the finances. How about a compromise? You get a P/T job to help with the $$ (& to give you a social outlet outside the home) and he interacts with the kids more.

 

If he says counseling is a waste of money, ask him how much he things a divorce & child support will cost. Some counselors take insurance & cost about $150-$200 per hour. No lawyers take insurance and cost between $250 -- $500 per hour. Have him do the math.

[xxoo]

If I found out he cheated on me I would be hurt,mad,upset & shocked.

But at the same time it wouldnt totally surprise me vuz if he's not getting intimacy at home he might look elsewhere.

Not to be superficial but sex is very important to him.

It's like he cant live without it.

I really dont want to see him cheating.

Even though I can find so much I dont like about him lately I dont want him to go off with someone else.

I also am not interested in going off with someone else.

 

It can be much worse to be in a sexless relationship (where you'd really like to have sex with your partner) than to be single and without sex. In a sexless relationship, he deals with the rejection of his wife, and he has no hope for a new sex partner on the horizon.

 

How do you feel about him dating others after divorce? You really can't have it both ways: totally yours and totally sexless. That's not fair. If you want him to be "your man" (no one else's), you'll need to be sexual with him. Work to fix the sexual relationship together.

 

I often wish I had a hubby who was a romantic & loved me so much it would show on his face when i walked in a room.

But i think that only happens in movies & tv shows!!!

 

It's not just in movies. But it takes a ton of mutual care to keep a marriage like that. It doesn't happen by accident, and 6 kids don't help.

 

Decide what you want, then take steps to make it happen. If you want divorce, start looking for a job. If you want marriage, start fighting for it. INSIST on marriage counseling. Go alone if he won't.

[oldshirt]

You are overwhelmed as a SAHM. He is overwhelmed with the finances. How about a compromise? You get a P/T job to help with the $$ (& to give you a social outlet outside the home) and he interacts with the kids more.

 

If he says counseling is a waste of money, ask him how much he things a divorce & child support will cost. Some counselors take insurance & cost about $150-$200 per hour. No lawyers take insurance and cost between $250 -- $500 per hour. Have him do the math.

 

Agree with both points above ^^^^^^^^

[momof6]

No I dont want a divorce. And I think you are right about a part time job. I would actually like to take a course to work in a daycare.

I enjoy working with children & being around children.

I started uni going to be a teacher but during a summer job working with mentally challenged adults,I enjoyed this work so much I accepted a full time position there & didnt complete my uni education.

I worked for 5 years before leaving to have oyr 1dt child,25 years ago

Been a sahm since.

I keep busy outside the home volunteering at my youngest girls school,am very busily involved with the home & school & church volunterring. 2 good friends & myself meet for either breakfast,lunch or supper evety 2 weeks.

We also go to a live show or concert every 6-8 weeks.

So I am out there socially & I love being social.

Hubby is not a social person at all.

There are periods I feel I dont love him anymore & he doesnt love me.

But then there are times when I feel I actually do love him & cant imagine my life without him.

It can all be very confusing !!!!!

Over the past 25 years there are tjings I just do not like about him & I know there are things he doesnt like about me !!!

Which I hear is normal after being togetjer so many years.

So I guess getting past all these things,we have to dig deep & ask if theres love still there ???

I am just so overwhelmed with all these feelings right now and it foesnt help that I am almost 50 & in early menopause.

The hormones are raging right now too!!!

Sigh!!!!!

[evanescentworld]

Bear in mind what has happened.

You have stopped being a married couple, and have become house-mates. You share living accommodation, and the other thing you happen to have in common, is joint children.

But it's come down to this: You happen to share living space and some interests.

You're buddies. Friends.

You know - like in college, or at boarding school.

 

Ugh. I can see myself more and more in your posts.

But for me, getting the hell out of there was the best thing i could ever have done, because ultimately, what it boiled down to was this: If I stayed, it would have been largely for everyone else's convenience, far more than mine. Convention. Public face. Habit. Because it was 'the done thing'.

 

And who actually would have thanked me for my 'ultimate sacrifice'...?

 

Nobody.

That's who.

[xxoo]

There are periods I feel I dont love him anymore & he doesnt love me.

But then there are times when I feel I actually do love him & cant imagine my life without him.

It can all be very confusing !!!!!

 

It can be hard to remember that a feeling in the moment does not reflect "always".

 

What do you do when you are upset with him about something? You've grown so far apart, and have probably established very poor communication habits. Was there ever a time that you talked things through and felt that he cared?

 

Some small tips:

 

Use "I" statements, not "you" (which sounds like accusations)

make the first gesture of kindness

touch when speaking. It's much harder to be mean while holding hands.

 

Do you still hug one another?

 

If he had a health emergency tomorrow, what would you want him to know laying on that hospital bed? How would you touch him? Express those things now.

[evanescentworld]

I am just so overwhelmed with all these feelings right now and it foesnt help that I am almost 50 & in early menopause.

The hormones are raging right now too!!!

Sigh!!!!!

 

...And one more thing, on this subject:

 

Don't 'blame' your hormones raging for possibly twisting your mind out of true.

 

IN fact, the opposite is true.

Apparently, it's when our hormones appear to be raging, that actually we are at our most fundamental true self.

 

We think more clearly, bluntly and self-preservingly.

It's when we apparently seem at our wackiest that we are in fact in our most sane moments.

 

"Listen" to yourself, when your body speaks to you.

Too long, have we women been conditioned to believe that raging hormones means insanity.

 

And sadly, it's been the male fraternity of doctors who have convinced us of this.

I have repeatedly found for myself, that the total opposite is true.

It's when we are most blunt, most honest and at our toughest.

 

 

Listen to you.

[spanz1]

if the hormones are raging, your husband should be really enjoying himself right now with you! If not, there is more to the story that you are not admitting here.

[evanescentworld]

if the hormones are raging, your husband should be really enjoying himself right now with you! If not, there is more to the story that you are not admitting here.

 

I'm assuming you're a guy, because you seem to have absolutely no idea just what effect 'raging hormones' have on a woman. They're nothing to do with heightened libido, arousal, or sexual desire.

Sadly, it's mainly the complete opposite.

[elaine567]

...And one more thing, on this subject:

 

Don't 'blame' your hormones raging for possibly twisting your mind out of true.

 

IN fact, the opposite is true.

Apparently, it's when our hormones appear to be raging, that actually we are at our most fundamental true self.

We think more clearly, bluntly and self-preservingly.

It's when we apparently seem at our wackiest that we are in fact in our most sane moments.

"Listen" to yourself, when your body speaks to you.

Too long, have we women been conditioned to believe that raging hormones means insanity.

And sadly, it's been the male fraternity of doctors who have convinced us of this.

I have repeatedly found for myself, that the total opposite is true.

It's when we are most blunt, most honest and at our toughest.

Listen to you.

 

Yes. That is a very good point, I hadn't thought about before.

It probably means that many perimenopausal women are being silenced and belittled, by "It's only your hormones", when they rage against their lot in life.

Hmm...

[evanescentworld]

Forgive the slightly off-topic post, but I have observed this, in myself, and unfailingly, I find that, simply because I am experiencing a hormonal shift in my system, it doesn't mean what I say or think, has less value, or significance.

 

I have found the opposite to be true.

The gloves of normal tact, reticence and diplomacy, are off.

Whereas normally I am guarded, more discreet, less forthright, when I have hormonal shifts (and every woman knows for herself when these occur) I become more forthright, more outspoken, more direct.

I say what I mean, rather than dance around meaning.

 

Just observe yourself, next time that "time of the month" comes round, and respect what goes on in your mind.

Because it is a true reflection of your essential core.

[Nikki Sahagin]

You definitely have 2 options.

 

The first is to stay and work on your marriage and the second is to leave.

 

Now I am a little old fashioned in that I don't believe a man should necessary be the leader but in my opinion, he should be the initiator. Now when a man is chasing a woman in the early days he usually knows what to do; give compliments, treat you, take you out. You feel special - love begins to develop.

 

Now there are obviously issues on both sides here.

 

You say that you feel your husband stopped showing you those feelings and so you in turn have closed down to him.

 

I think you should tell him this.

 

Tell him, 'We have been together a long time and I know the honeymoon stage is well behind us but I would like to reignite that spark. Could you leave me love notes and hold my hand more? Could you sit and talk to me in the evenings with a glass of wine about our days? Can we plan something on the weekend? I want to work through this period and I know that we are both busy but can we compromise and get the love back.'

 

He may meet with resistance i.e.

'I don't do anything wrong'

'I work too hard'

'I work long hours' - ALL legitimate

 

But the truth is many women leave a marriage because there husbands do not, at least to some degree, support their emotional needs.

 

I do agree that women are vastly more emotional than men and women do need a female support network BUT I also believe in a relationship that just as a woman should take on a mans sexual needs, a man should take on a woman's emotional needs. I believe they go hand in hand.

 

I think you should sit with your husband and go down memory lane. Ask him, 'what did you first love about me?', 'do you remember when we....?', 'wouldn't it be nice if we...?', 'how was work today?'

 

Just reengage again. Obviously this will take both of you. Give it a try and see what happens. I am guessing you posted here because you DO want to stay with your husband. If you do, clearly a lot of resentment and bitterness has built, probably on both sides. You'll both need to put your ego, pride and defenses to the side and just meet as people. I don't know your husband but I believe you can rectify this if you want to and if you both put in the effort.

 

It's ironic that as a man works so hard to suit one need (money, expenses, providing) he can neglect the emotional side. This is quite common and spells the death of many a marriage.

[veryhappy]

You may not like hearing this, but I don't think divorce is the way to go, at least not for the next 10 years. Find a way to be financially stable meanwhile, but...make your marriage work.

 

 

 

 

You expect him to change and become affectionate and all that. He won't. You can push him into mc and you can start having sex and see if he responds with intimacy and loving gestures. You need to fix your marriage being sexless, and after so much of rejecting him, you'll need to make the first step. After all, if you initiate when you feel like it, chances are you'll enjoy it. Strive for intercourse every 2- 3 weeks so you're out of the sexless zone of less than 10 per year. I am very feminist at core, so I want women to only have sex they want and enjoy, and ideally you'd be able to find that for yourself.

 

 

If you loved this man to have 6 kids with him, and if nothing is unfixable, please fix it. You can find yourself and all that while being married, but too many souls depend on you two being harmonious together.

 

 

Fyi, I had an affair with a guy with two kids in a sexless m. He thought he wanted to be with me, but ultimately chose his status quo. I was okay with the idea of breaking up his family as people like to put it. I do however believe that three kids and up, there needs to be more pause in thinking of getting a divorce. First, there must have been enough love to have that many kids and secondly it becomes a logistic nightmare to shuffle and take care of them properly.

 

 

Please understand that it is your problem, both yours and his, and you'll both need to do something different.

Edited November 26, 2014 by cutedragon

[momof6]

Thank you ladies for ur advice & input.

And I think u are correct about spanz1 being male !!!!

It helps to have other ladies to talk to who can relate to how I am feeling. Currently my sister in law & her hubby have recently seperated. He moved in with his parents & their 2 kids are at home with her but spend weekends with their dad.

Things have been bad for them gor years & this is the 3rd time they have seperated!!!

He is a nice guy & a great father but the 2 just dont seem to be compatible:(

I think they are both nicer & better people apart!!!

Although it is tough on their 2 kids.

But the 15 year old daughter told my son she would rather this than her parents living in the same jo house screaming at one another constantly!!! And ironically he was always willing to seek therapy but she refuses!!!

I do not want hubby to leave and i am not leaving. I just want things to go back to the way they wete several years back !!

My heart would flutter when I saw him and/or was near him.

I want that back !!!!

I admit I have changed over the years.

I am not the same person but he isnt either

[evanescentworld]

You can't turn the clock back. You can't undo what has been done.

but you CAN work on it; however, as has been pointed out, you BOTH need to commit to changing the way things are right now.

it has to be a joint effort, and a 100% commitment from both of you.

 

For me and my ex, it simply wouldn't gel.

You could try a trial separation, with a fixed agreement for its duration, management and conditions....

But if you want things to change, you must both want them to equally change, equally as much.

 

Talk to him.

Go out for an evening, have a meal on neutral territory, and tell him, outright, you have been thinking of this...

 

Discuss it.

[spanz1]

sorry, i just assume that raging hormones meant increased libido. I AM a big believer in sex healing all wrongs!

[evanescentworld]

sorry, i just assume that raging hormones meant increased libido. I AM a big believer in sex healing all wrongs!

 

You assume incorrectly. And if that's how you interpret women's hormonal fluctuations, well... don't ask me for a character reference when your case comes up. Your belief system needs a serious overhaul.

[momof6]

Spanz1 "sex heals all wrongs" ????

Really ??? You are most def. Male

[xxoo]

Spanz1 "sex heals all wrongs" ????

Really ??? You are most def. Male

 

I'm a woman, and my hormone rages make me desire sex. And I do believe that regular sex helps me stay happy and bonded and let the little irritations slide rather than build.

 

So I don't think this is only a male view.

[evanescentworld]

'sex heals all wrongs'...? I just don't think that's a generalised correct PoV.

[momof6]

I am sorry but I just do not feel that "sex" is the problem solver to marital troubles. Sex does not solve all!!!!

There are times when I do desire my hubby & I enjoy it BUT it foes not make the problems go away or the troubled marriage all of a sudden be healed !!!

Communication ,verbal , not sexual, is whats needed and neither of us are good at that Hubby has never been a good communicator and I guess i gave up after years of trying to communicate with him & vonstantly being shot down

[oldshirt]

I do not want hubby to leave and i am not leaving. I just want things to go back to the way they wete several years back !!

My heart would flutter when I saw him and/or was near him.

I want that back !!!!

I admit I have changed over the years.

I am not the same person but he isnt either

 

 

I'll reiterate what I said in some of my earlier posts. Since you have had periods of closeness and intimacy and passion in the past and since there have been no deal breakers like adultery or abuse, you can get some of that back.

 

It's just things have festered and gone on so long and allowed to languish for so long it will likely take therapy to fix.

 

Your husband has to be frustrated and dissatisfied too. You haven't even been sleeping in the same bed for a long time. He will go to therapy if it means that some of the intimacy and passion may return.

 

He probably thinks you are a dead-fish and a loss cause and he's just trying to not rock the boat and risk breaking up the home so he's going along with it. If he knew that you want to have the intimacy and passion restored and would work towards that goal and that there would be some return of marital relations in it at the end, he'd be in the car waiting for you to head to the counselors office before you even get the words out of your mouth.

 

You are just assuming he won't do counseling because he grumbles at having to pay for everyone else's. He'll be all over it if it restores his love life.

[beach]

If he isn't a verbal communicator then find other methods to tell him how you feel.

 

Write him a note. Not pointing out everything that's wrong but point out what you would like to see change.

 

Things like:

 

Let's go out to a movie this week.

I like it when you rub my back/feet.

I enjoy going for a walk with you.

 

Make a long list of things you need!

 

And ask him to pick 3 he's willing to do with/for you this week.

 

Cross them off the list when he does them!

 

Have him write you a list of things you can do that would make him happier at home too. Become willing to do those things on his list!

[oldshirt]

If he isn't a verbal communicator then find other methods to tell him how you feel.

 

Write him a note. Not pointing out everything that's wrong but point out what you would like to see change.

 

Things like:

 

Let's go out to a movie this week.

I like it when you rub my back/feet.

I enjoy going for a walk with you.

 

Make a long list of things you need!

 

And ask him to pick 3 he's willing to do with/for you this week.

 

Cross them off the list when he does them!

 

Have him write you a list of things you can do that would make him happier at home too. Become willing to do those things on his list!

 

This is going to be part of therapy when that times comes.

 

 

 

.....also realize that when the time comes for him to submit his "list" of what he needs from you to maintain a healthy relationship, sexuality is going to be at or darn near the top of that list.