She cheated and I left. (Updated/Ongoing)

[Zahara]

I think with any breakup, there's really no step by step process where it all comes to an end in a nice little package. The hardest thing for me having to deal with an ending was one where betrayal was present. Just like yours, it all happened so fast. It was one thing for the relationship to come to an end, but betrayal was a demon I just couldn't wrestle to the ground for a long time. It twisted my brain and my heart and it took me a long while to come to terms with it. Even when we ended, I wasn't even mourning the ending but I was just so consumed with the fact that he was cheating on me. Looking back now, I don't even think I mourned the loss of him but more so the betrayal and what it did to me.

 

It's going to take time for your to wrap yourself around this and come through. Everything you feel is normal. The need to lash. The slumps. The highs. The confusion and chaos in your head. It's a process you have to go through to get past.

[EgoJoe]

Thank you for that.

 

 

I think you're on to the root cause when you mention the lack of validation. That is what causes the sheer rage on my part. I can focus more on validating myself and I'm going to write some stuff to appear on my phones lock screen as a constant reminder.

 

 

It's important to remember how quickly we can lose our objectivity.

Edited December 2, 2014 by EgoJoe

[Zahara]

Thank you for that.

 

I think you're on to the root cause when you mention the lack of validation. That is what causes the sheer rage on my part. I can focus more on validating myself and I'm going to write some stuff to appear on my phones lock screen as a constant reminder.

 

It's important to remember how quickly we can lose our objectivity.

 

Yes, feeling devalued was a difficult emotion. And there were times I didn't want to believe it because then it would mean that I mattered and I needed to matter to him. I had my moments lashing out and most times I just wanted validation from him.

 

Start being your own champion. Affirming your own value starting today is a good start.

[Jimmyjackson]

I think with any breakup, there's really no step by step process where it all comes to an end in a nice little package. The hardest thing for me having to deal with an ending was one where betrayal was present. Just like yours, it all happened so fast. It was one thing for the relationship to come to an end, but betrayal was a demon I just couldn't wrestle to the ground for a long time. It twisted my brain and my heart and it took me a long while to come to terms with it. Even when we ended, I wasn't even mourning the ending but I was just so consumed with the fact that he was cheating on me. Looking back now, I don't even think I mourned the loss of him but more so the betrayal and what it did to me.

 

It's going to take time for your to wrap yourself around this and come through. Everything you feel is normal. The need to lash. The slumps. The highs. The confusion and chaos in your head. It's a process you have to go through to get past.

 

This really applied to me when I read it, my ex dumped me three months ago to this very day and she emotionally cheated on me. I accept that her feelings went and I'm okay with that, the fact she got 'involved' with someone else is the only thing that bothers me. She was the last person I expected to do something like that.

 

Anyway, thank you for your wise words.

[Zahara]

This really applied to me when I read it, my ex dumped me three months ago to this very day and she emotionally cheated on me. I accept that her feelings went and I'm okay with that, the fact she got 'involved' with someone else is the only thing that bothers me. She was the last person I expected to do something like that.

 

Anyway, thank you for your wise words.

 

You're welcome . I'm glad to hear it helped you. I hope you're well on your way to recovering from the pain.

[EgoJoe]

I told her Mother. It was a sincere message. I made a mistake and checked my filter. She said, "You need to leave my parents alone. We are done and over. You look like a lunatic there is no reason to contact them."

 

 

I went to a Men's meeting today, I feel better about myself.

 

 

She is so deep in "the fog" as they say she truly feels no remorse and I have no idea what transpired as her Mother did not respond. I did it for my own personal healing. She is going to need help and I will not be there to provide it.

 

 

I'm not Captain save-a-ho but I have a conscience and I did what I felt was necessary to alleviate my need to lash out. I'm done with the cycle.

[FusionCutter]

I told her Mother. It was a sincere message. I made a mistake and checked my filter. She said, "You need to leave my parents alone. We are done and over. You look like a lunatic there is no reason to contact them."

 

 

I went to a Men's meeting today, I feel better about myself.

 

 

She is so deep in "the fog" as they say she truly feels no remorse and I have no idea what transpired as her Mother did not respond. I did it for my own personal healing. She is going to need help and I will not be there to provide it.

 

 

I'm not Captain save-a-ho but I have a conscience and I did what I felt was necessary to alleviate my need to lash out. I'm done with the cycle.

 

Dude. Voice of reason here. Leave her alone. Leave her family alone. It's over. You need to learn to accept it. You already said you were a crappy boyfriend. Work on yourself.

[EgoJoe]

I wasn't the worst boyfriend or the best but I've recently come to terms with the fact that I was trying and I did a lot of things right.

 

 

I told her Mother about her extreme denial and spite and said she would likely need to make sure she's ok. It was more of a "Hey, I care(d) for your daughter despite her heinous behavior so watch out for her because I can't/won't."

 

 

One simple message.

[Jimmyjackson]

You're welcome . I'm glad to hear it helped you. I hope you're well on your way to recovering from the pain.

 

Any tips on how to let it all go and come to terms with it? become indifferent? I obviously won't ever forgive her for it but I want to forget it, it's the only thing that goes on in my mind now.

[EgoJoe]

It's funny what happens when the rose tinted glasses wear off. My Ex literally has shown every trait and warning sign of BPD.

 

 

The messes keep on coming and I keep dodging them.

 

 

She was mirroring my work ethic, my ambitions and my mentality the entire time and when we fought found multiple replacements.

 

 

I'm doing good and I feel nothing but empathetic pity for a person who is sick.

[EgoJoe]

I'm doing okay today.

 

I don't miss her and all I can think of is how terrible she looked when she followed me outside, all the idiotic lies and how I wish I'd have stuck to my guns so many times.

Edited December 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smokey bear]

Joe you are super irrational and have no control over your emotions or actions. Your ex is in a rebound, from my past experience of having a rebound relationship, every time she fights with you is because of a bump in the rebound relationship. You get the brunt of it, new guy gets a free pass.

 

 

If she left you for this guy and from things she has said I would suggest this guy offers her what was lacking from you. You admit yourself you were a **** boyfriend but luckily you can fix that.

 

My advice, go nc, your patching up the rebound. Your not stable nc will help or avoid you causing more damage.

 

I really do believe that second chances only work if both parties heal and then start again, otherwise the baggage pre break up comes back and ruins the second chance.

[EgoJoe]

Smokey,

 

 

I don't even understand how you got to your opinion.

 

 

I dumped her for cheating and trying to play me. She feigned ignorance and unwillingness but when given the chance to prove me wrong she proved me right.

 

 

I have only broken NC once and I've only taken the bait to fight twice since breaking up, that includes the time I broke NC too. I've returned all of the stuff and ignored the lashing out since then.

 

 

All I ever did was reiterate the truth in the face of extreme denial, deception etc.

 

 

I don't want a second chance. I want a complete perspective and to heal.

 

 

I haven't been dwelling the past few days, a couple down moments when certain hurtful things cropped up in my head. I've taken the high road three times to every low road I took.

 

 

When all of this first went down I could only focus on the negative aspects of my involvement but my close personal friend came to me and told me that I needed to lighten up on myself because he witnessed her behavior and mine.

 

 

I was trying hard in so many ways. So what if I wasn't a super needy party junky. I was focused on a longer play for the future.

 

 

I've been NC for two weeks and even let the other stuff go.

Edited December 14, 2014 by EgoJoe

[EgoJoe]

So, last night I was driving home after having dinner with my brother and actually feeling good about myself.

 

 

I get less than a mile from home and my phone starts to ring. "Ex" popped up in big red letters. I hit the "silence" button so it just rang on her end.

 

 

Then I get a text. "If you want your **** I can put it outside otherwise I will just throw it out..."

 

 

I didn't respond instantly as my heart had started to pound from the phone call. I didn't actually respond at all. I spoke with my roommate and we drove over there, he walked up to the door and got my stuff. It took a few trips and I reminded him to ask about certain things. I got them.

 

 

I went home. I start to unload my stuff and I see that one bag is blatantly her stuff.

 

 

I took the bait hook line and sinker.

 

 

"Thanks. One of these bags is full of your stuff. Perfume, body wash, candles, childhood photos etc. I can bring it back or throw it away."

 

 

A few minutes later I get, "Oh **** sorry, you can just throw it away but hey I forgot to give you your wooden toolbox and the stuff in it."

 

 

A few more minutes pass by, "Let me know if you're coming otherwise I will just put it in the trash compactor."

 

 

Then finally, "Alright I didn't hear anything so I'm going to bed."

 

 

I was already on my way over there at that point. I didn't plan to talk to her and I didn't plan anything. I just went. I walked up to the door and I knocked. She answered I went to hand her the bag and she said, "It's over here."

 

 

I walked inside and grabbed it. I made my way to the door and the dog ran outside she asked me to help her get the dog. I called it and the dog came to me instantly. I went to leave and she was looking at me and smiling. I recognized the smile and told myself to go but I opened my mouth and said, "Do you want to talk?"

 

 

Her eyes lit up and said yes. I went inside and at first I just sat down I wasn't thinking straight but I wasn't incredibly emotional.

 

 

I forget exactly how it all played out but the major gist of the conversation at first was the BS. Me asking why are you returning my stuff now. Her responding that she thought she was still blocked. I told her, "I unblocked you so I'd stop checking for an apology that would never come."

 

 

Then there was crying and half-truths. There was her telling me they're not together. That he wants to be but she wants to be single. Her telling me she's sorry that she handled everything poorly but she wasn't happy. Her swearing it never got physical until after I left and it still hadn't gone all the way (the punch line for this comes later).

 

 

I started crying and bashing her hard. No holds bar. She took it and started crying back and saying things like, "Don't you think I just want to hold you and kiss you."

 

 

Her saying things like, "You don't want me back. We can't come back from this. What do you want me to do beg for you back?"

 

 

This went on and on and eventually the conversation was more emotional BS than relevant issue.

 

 

Eventually I hugged her. I even almost kissed her. She started being playful and coy. She gave me cookies and we ended up laying down together. I held her. I was in extreme denial and then I broke down again and started to go but then I didn't want to.

 

 

We started watching a stupid show on TV. She asked me about my dates I told her no many times and then gave sparse details. She got jealous of some efforts I had made but I just told her, "I was trying when you got back you didn't care."

 

 

I held her and we laid in bed together until about 3-4AM and I started posting on a BPD forum I've been going to. I was given a wake up call as I was stating my observations and the things she said.

 

 

Very clearly I was told that it is obvious she is triangulating and that I need to remember the realizations I had made. I hadn't slept at all and yet she was sleeping incredibly sound. She looked different.

 

 

I grabbed her phone and went to the bathroom. I read everything. I was right about everything. I even found out that things with her replacement are not only going poorly but she's got incredible drama stemming from it. The guy is still married, he and she are in a stupid breakup cycle. She had him begging not to leave every day for a week or two on end.

 

 

I go back to the bed and put my jeans on. I sit back down for a moment and look at her. She wakes up and says, "Joe, go back to sleep."

 

 

I told her, "I haven't slept at all. Old habits die hard."

 

 

"I went through your phone. I had no right to but I did it anyways. I saw all of the texts dating back to that last week."

 

 

We then went through a few rows at 5AM of texts I saw and the dates etc.

 

 

The back and forth isn't important. It was now that she asked me to leave but wasn't being forceful. I was calm now and merciless.

 

 

"Your Grandparents know you conned them out of money. I told your Mother not because I wanted to speak to them but out of concern for you. I had doubts tonight but judging by some of this fantastical lies you have been telling I now know you clearly are a very disordered person. I believe you may suffer from a multitude of Cluster B personality disorder traits."

 

 

Without screaming she said, "Go. I want you out of my life forever."

 

 

I then started in, "Did you ever love me? Do you even know what love is? You thought you could tell me half-truths and cry to get me to say I'd give you a chance? You still have a boyfriend begging for you."

 

 

She said, "I told you I will always love you, part of me will always love you. Not as much as **** though!"

 

 

This didn't even affect me at this point and I'm now getting fully dressed and I say, "I never cheated on you and every fault I have in the relationship pales in comparison to what you did. Most people get dumped before they realize the problems. I was working on things for a future. I could have taken a break up, those are easy. Betrayal stings and taints every good memory. I hope you get help because you are not living in reality."

 

 

I left and there was some texting about leaving her family and her alone. Delete my number. I texted back about seeing through her façade and telling her it would all come crumbling down etc.

 

 

The End

 

 

I could have swallowed my pride. I could have had her back and all it would have taken was my self-esteem, my self-respect and my sanity.

 

 

I set myself back by going there but I got my head right in spite of things and I got out. I could have had sex with her and I didn't. Despite the mistakes I made I could have made a lot more.

[Ieris]

Sometimes you need to go backwards in order to move forward. I don't know your story but I hope those emotional blinders are starting to come off and you see her for what she is. It's actually quite funny when someone just lies to your face, it's almost as if they believe it themselves. Some people just never change...

 

I think this episode will help you move forward, so I actually think its a good thing. I'm glad you walked away with your dignity in tact x

[EgoJoe]

Thanks.

 

 

I did until the smiles and pseudo-reasonability came out.

 

 

My head was screaming at me the entire time.

[hoping2heal]

It sounds like everything worked out for the best.

 

You got some much needed answers that can help bring you closure.

 

There is a silver lining.

[Jayrok]

Way to go Joe. You can't come back when the relationship is shrouded in doubt. You seem like a smart guy and smelled right through her BS. I don't know her and you for that matter, but from the sounds of it, she was a real manipulator. She wasn't getting what she wanted from him and tried to get you to come back. She would've done it again and you stood up for yourself. Nicely done. I dated a girl EXACTLY like that on and off for a year. Hell she was probably screwing half the town but I know she was back and forth between me and another dude for sure.

 

She would get the emotional support from me and still give sex to both. Disgusting. I smelled right through her bull**** and gave her hell for it. I made the mistake of ****ing her right after I called her out though, unlike you. Weird but at least I went out with a bang lmao.

 

I still left with dignity though knowing that she was never going to feel complete. Honestly I didn't really care about her that much though. She really pissed me off a lot. Still hurt but only because I felt like I wasn't even good enough for the skank of the town.

[batt]

Sorry to hear you went through that. I remember you were the only one who commented on my post, for that I would like to thank you. Knowing her personality, and the many things I ignored, you opinion really helped me. I never thought about it until you said something about. It's helped me tremendously, because I have been beating myself over losing her and thinking it was all my fault.

[EgoJoe]

It's important to remember that all we can do is stay away from the situation if we are emotional. I hope your situation improves Batt. I have handled myself well and poorly. I am by no means proud of my actions but I escaped unscathed yet again.

 

 

I did ok but then I got more emotional and went there to see her.

 

 

I bet she is latching on to new dude even more now but some of the texts I saw were downright pathetic.

[SycamoreCircle]

Well, what's done is done.

 

Now it's time for you to go true NC. Anything bound for the trash compactor at this point should be OK with a noisome, tearing end.

[lauri]

Hey Joe,

 

Seriously, what's with all these breakups I read about and the girl going off with a married man? My best friends girlfriend just left him 5 months ago to be a mistress with a banker...and she used to brag about it to her friends! Until he dumped her for a hotter younger girl of course . Now she's begging for him back and saying "nothing happened when we broke up" but I heard the truth because she couldn't keep her mouth shut lol.

 

If you were to ask me ahead of time what to do, I would've suggested the exact opposite. Everything you did unfortunately made her "rationalize" that YOU made the mistake by "being crazy" and "emotional". She feels empowered because she asked you to leave and not contact her again as IF youre the one who did something wrong. Who is she kidding, eh?

 

Best thing you could have done was not give her that ammunition against you and let her wallow in her own guilt. Regardless, she knows shes wrong and at least you established youre done with her and her manipulation. Water under the bride now.

 

This is good lesson...you've learned valuable things from it. You learned that the person you used to love is dead...it's the simplest, yet hardest thing you can accept. There is no going back after all of your decisions...all you can do is delete her number and not regret a thing. She sounds like she has horrible judgment and that's the key to it all - you don't wanna be with someone like this as they as toxic and going to eat you from the insides out.

 

Just make sure to not put yourself into that vunerable position in the future man...you gotta protect yourself first and foremost. Remember, an ex is 99% of the time selfish and will always do what is in their best interests (as per your example). You're gonna be good man.

[EgoJoe]

Yeah it's done. There was a lot of emotional bs and she was trying to lay it on thick. I didn't accept it.

 

 

I swear I was on auto pilot briefly and then I kept asking myself what are you doing this is not true.

[Diezel]

Halfway through this, I knew it had to be a BPD thing.

 

Let this be your LAST recycle attempt from her, to you.

Never again. Never again. Never. Ever. Again.

[welshbambi]

Well done Joe - I would probably have done the same as you in going over there, and I can't honestly say I would have been strong enough to not have had sex either.

 

Although I know the score now and that my ex is pretty much emotionally dead, I am still waiting for the last bastion of love that is still blinkered to leave my body. It's still a powerful element and I am not yet sure that if he got in touch and said the right things I wouldn't temporarily break my resolve.

 

Well done, I know this can't have been easy for you.