My husband thinks chores are just for women & it is so exhausting!

[carhill]

OP, on the surface it appears to be the symptoms of a classic power struggle and support for typical stereotypes of men resisting change and being flexible and adaptive.

 

What would he do if he was living a bachelor life? While I hope there is some middle ground, perhaps, depending upon his stubbornness, maybe that is one potential to consider.

 

Myself, I only stopped doing chores because my exW requested it and went back to doing them after we divorced. In my book, once a chore is identified, it gets addressed. Who doesn't matter. Since I worked at home, even though I was working, when I'd come up to the house and saw something needing to be done and had a few minutes, it got done, like dishes in the dishwasher or laundry in the washer, etc. It's not rocket science.

 

The main difference (from our M) I discern here is that you love the man but despise his behavior in this realm. So, if accurate, I'd address this in a concrete way before the love is gone. Ask yourself how you feel when experiencing such dynamics and clearly communicate that to him. Suggest middle ground alternatives. Suggest third party mediation. Refrain from describing consequences you aren't ready and willing to mete out. If all fails, turn him into a bachelor again. Trust me, he knows how to do chores. Ha!

[Elliotte]

I've always believed all house chores are something everyone participates in. My wife and I both cook, do laundry, yardwork, car maintenance, dishes, clean everything, etc, sometimes individually, sometimes together as a team. We are teaching our son to do the same. If my wife is having a rough week and is so stressed she just wants to collapse on the couch, I step up to take care of more chores, and she does the same for me when I am likewise enjoying with a brief moment of much needed laziness. In a time when many couples both work, why would chores still be biased towards one person or the other?

 

Not only that, but if you are single or live with others, you need to maintain a decent level of cleanliness where you live! After growing up in a household with a mom who is borderline hoarder, I never let things get disheveled and I take pride in often re-organizing things and getting rid of excess stuff I do not need anymore.

 

I hope you and your husband can work this out soon, sounds like he needs to be smacked into the reality of the modern age!

[GirlStillStrong]

What are you, a ******* maid? He should pay for help with the cleaning, laundry and chores if he is not going to help. If he won't do that, kick him out and divorce his ass. If you do not put your ******* foot down with these people (men) they do not and will not EVER take you seriously. All you are is a nag.

[Almond_Joy]

I'm not married but had some problems in the cleaning department with my bf when we moved in together. For me, a man that can't or won't take care of himself or his home does not get a certain level of my respect. Not sure why my sentiment works that way, but I told my bf this - that I really have trouble respecting him as an adult man when he can't take care of his own home. I don't know if your husband cares if you respect him or not, but my bf did and I never had to nag him about helping with cleaning again.

 

I wouldn't give that money argument he's making any of your effort. It's a strawman argument because money does not equal time worked or the nature of the work.

 

The name calling on his part is a red flag to me of some deep and intense resentment on his part. I haven't read your other posts but if there is something else going on in your marriage, maybe he is more open to addressing that issue head on vs this one? It would be a lot easier to find an amicable solution to this cleaning problem without whatever the underlying issue is at play here.

[Els]

Why does this matter? She's working and going to school. A grown ass man can wash his own clothes. She's not the maid.

 

Whoa there. First off, I'm not defending what her husband is doing. Secondly, yes, she is working and going to school - which I found out after I asked. I asked because in general if someone is working many more hours than their partner and is the sole breadwinner, it makes sense that their partner would do more chores. This applies to either gender. Again, this does not apply to the OP's case, but you don't know until you ask.

[Radu]

HI, I have been married for about 8 and a half years. I did live with my husband before we got married and he used to help out with laundry and dishes & housework in general back then.

After we got married and had our first child I stayed at home with her while he worked and I had a lot of time to do ALL of the housework and did not expect him to do that stuff because it wasn't a big deal. I did not expect him to come home from work and then do chores.

Now years later our kids are older and in school. I have a part time job and also attend college full time. I am very busy and have to study and do homework all the time.

Lately I have been getting behind on chores at home and my husband seems to think it is my problem.

He gets mad when his laundry is not done but refuses to do any laundry, dishes or any basic cleaning around the house. Even when he has the entire day off work and is home alone all day it does not seem to occur to him to run a load of laundry or do anything like that. Instead he will just watch movies or something....

He does fix things like if a vehicle needs maintenance or cabinets, drawers or doors around the house need fixing he does that just fine and he seems to think that is him doing his part. That stuff only comes up once in a while everything else needs to be done a lot more often.

It may seem weird & I don't know why but it really bothers me when I leave for work or school and he is still in bed and I come home and he did not even make the bed before he left for work or whatever he was doing that day. I hate coming home and seeing my bed not made. I let him know I would really like it if he would make the bed and he did do that a few times but he always wanted a pat on the back for it or something..If I didn't notice that he made the bed he would point it out...Now he completely stopped even doing that possibly because I didn't notice/praise him every time. I think it is something people who are not slobs just do.

 

 

Sometimes when he tells me how he thinks I am slacking on house work I point out that I was not even home do do anything since I am at work or school most of the time....or if I was home I had to study for a big test and it was a choice I made between scrubbing toilets and cleaning or getting a good grade on my test. I tell him if it bothers you and you think it needs cleaned to just clean it and stop bothering me about it all the time.

Does anyone else have problems with husbands thinking the definition of a wife is similar to a maid?

What can be done about this? besides what I have been doing because it's not working.........

 

 

I'm getting seriously exhausted & frustrated here!!

 

Have you tried keeping a daily journal of where you are and what you do for a while ?

Like a week, and then show him that.

 

When you do that, do not have an accusatory tone, the point is to try to get him to emphatize with you and to see that getting some work/stress from your back is ... magnanimous [to activate those chivalrous circuits in him].

If he does start doing this, make sure to go to him and show your appreciation and how happy you are for him doing this.

 

So overall, help him 'see' [through the journal] your day to day routine and that you are not slacking off [do not be aggressive in this ... you want him to 'protect' you], and reward his 'good' behaviour.

 

PS: I hope it helps because you seem to have a good marriage outside of this issue.