My husband thinks chores are just for women & it is so exhausting!

[Mr. Me]

Hire someone to come in every single day and tell him it's his to pay when the bill comes. After all - he provides the money, right? While they are there have them grocery shop and cook dinner too!

 

So just view it as a household expense.

 

He may "help more" when he gets the bill...

 

Oh wait "HE provides the money"?

 

Gee I guess that doesn't "count" towards his contribution to the relationship, does it.

[Mr. Me]

Yeah, no matter how horny I might be when I come home when I go into my bedroom & the bed is a frumpy messed up pile of blankets it is a total turn off. It is so frustrating because I love sex & would much rather do that than make the bed...if I have to make the bed first its just not the same for me.

It just puts me in a bad mood or something that he didn't care to do it when he was the last one who got out of bed.

There have been a couple times when my husband specifically pointed out that he made the bed and actually told me he did it because he wanted to get laid. He has not done this in a few months now though.....

So this problem I am having definitely leads to me not getting enough sex. Its probably the same from his perspective but he does not seem to see how his behavior causes it.

 

LOL how predictable. Cutting off the sex and blaming HIM. Look you are punishing him by withholding sex because he didn't make the bed. And you're angry because you think he shouldn't expect to get noticed for it when he does, so he stopped.

 

It's YOUR fault he doesn't make the bed, because you discouraged him.

 

It's YOUR fault sex doesn't happen when the bed is messy because that's YOUR condition for having sex--so make the damn bed yourself.

 

Yup go ahead and blow up your marriage over this bull****, i'm sure you'll be much happier being divorced.

[thirtysomethingteen]

LOL how predictable. Cutting off the sex and blaming HIM. Look you are punishing him by withholding sex because he didn't make the bed. And you're angry because you think he shouldn't expect to get noticed for it when he does, so he stopped.

 

It's YOUR fault he doesn't make the bed, because you discouraged him.

 

It's YOUR fault sex doesn't happen when the bed is messy because that's YOUR condition for having sex--so make the damn bed yourself.

 

Yup go ahead and blow up your marriage over this bull****, i'm sure you'll be much happier being divorced.

 

Wow Mr. Me...I have to ask after reading a few of your posts...do you need a hug or something? Your posts are by far the angriest and bitterest posts I have ever read on these boards...and for LS that is REALLY saying something.

 

Any chance you will post an intro and let us know what brought you to these boards in the first place? Perhaps you would be more relatable if people could see where all this rage is coming from. In the meantime just try to take care of yourself and remember that these people are strangers on the internet...are they really worth getting so worked up about?

[Emerald_11]

I had a chore chart on the wall a while back for my kids but it disappeared so I made a new one and it has been working very well for my kids. That way they can see everything that is expected of them..(which isn't too much) It has been helping out a lot with them....I caught my kids out in the yard scooping up dog poop before school the other day because they saw it on the chart.

 

 

My husband is another story...

 

 

So my husband got some work in town this week! yay! It is nice having him home this week. He does really help out with the kids so I can study & do my homework. & it is so much easier for me to fall asleep at night when he is home.

 

 

This morning my husband was getting ready for work while I was getting myself & my kids ready for school. I had two big tests at school today. It is final exam time for the semester..My husband got all grumpy when he was getting dressed about certain pants not being clean & still in the dirty laundry. He had the whole day off work yesterday while I was at work. I pointed out that he was the one with time to do the laundry & also that I have been doing laundry almost everyday. ---This is a fight he picks with me over & over !!! He has been having the same conversation with me about this over & over for years! I heard what he had to say & then my suggestion was maybe you should buy more pants so you don't run out of clean pants as fast. BTW he had a few pairs of pants in his dresser but he didn't want to wear those ones to work for some reason... I told him if you are not going to wash any clothes & just wait for me to do it you might need a few more pairs of pants to get you by. I reminded him that I am not a stay at home mom with lots of time to do chores like that anymore.

 

 

I am really getting tired of how when he wants things to be clean and makes it seem like it is only my responsibility because I am the "wife"

It just makes me feel like no matter how much I do it will never be enough.

 

 

It put me in a bad mood right before I left for school. I tried to forget about it & keep focused. I hope I passed my tests.

[beach]

Your solution is to have him buy more clothes so you can still do his laundry? No way!

 

Take his hand and introduce him to the laundry room! Tell him his clothes are his own responsibility from here forward. Then don't wash his clothes anymore!!! If he wants to complain - he can complain about his own inability to get it done.

[Els]

OP, surely you have talked to him about your (very legitimate) frustrations about him not pulling his weight around the house. What is his response? Is he open at all to marriage counselling?

 

Instead of having all these small fights, I think you two need to sit down and have an adult discussion about how to resolve this issue in general. As a matter of fact, I think you should make that a non-negotiable requirement.

[beach]

Tell him he's acting like a small child - and that no grown woman gets all hot to trot for a child!

 

He's a grown man - it's time he stop acting like a baby. Don't do any of his laundry. He can learn - but he won't until you stop doing it for him!

[Emerald_11]

OH yeah -believe me we have discussed this many times.

 

 

His response is always to point out how much $ he provides for our family. And /or to point out other chores he does (on a much less regular basis) that he thinks I am not capable of doing myself.

When I point out how much I am doing and why I am going to school it seems like he just doesn't understand how much effort working and going to school really takes on my part. Although he does tell me he is proud of me sometimes when I share good news about my grades etc...

 

 

If I were to ever see him cleaning anything, doing dishes or laundry I might wonder if someone took over or possessed his body.

 

 

I thought about making the chore chart for the whole family but I know my husband would be upset if his name was on there too & he would view something like that as me being bossy towards him.

[Els]

His response is always to point out how much $ he provides for our family.

 

Is he the sole breadwinner then? How many hours a week does he work?

[Emerald_11]

He does make more than me right now. It wasn't always this way though...I used to make more than him. After I have a degree I will be able to get a better job.

His schedule varies sometimes he has 40-50 hours some weeks he has random days off & may work about 30 hours or so.

 

 

I work 20 hours a week and go to school everyday I don't work from about 8am-2:15 pm & then do homework also. So if I add that all up I might have him beat.

[Els]

He does make more than me right now. It wasn't always this way though...I used to make more than him. After I have a degree I will be able to get a better job.

His schedule varies sometimes he has 40-50 hours some weeks he has random days off & may work about 30 hours or so.

 

 

I work 20 hours a week and go to school everyday I don't work from about 8am-2:15 pm & then do homework also. So if I add that all up I might have him beat.

 

Hmm. Well this one is a toughie, ideally you would split the chores according to free time available, but I can understand someone feeling reluctant to do chores if he/she was also the main breadwinner. Not saying it's right, but I could understand it.

 

I think a compromise could be that he do the chores on his 30 hour weeks while you pick up the slack on his 50 hour weeks. What do you think of that?

 

Also, I notice that you mentioned making the bed earlier, which kinda stood out at me because I've never made my bed ever since I moved out of my parents' home, and I certainly don't make our bed now that I live with my SO. Since there's no hygiene issues involved and I won't really look at the bed til night time, which is pretty much time for it to get mussed up again! So it makes me wonder, is it possible his definition of 'necessary chores' differs from yours? Is it possible that he just views making the bed as something that doesn't even need to be done... by either of you?

 

I do agree that him complaining about not having clean pants is excessive and immature though - if it bugs him that he has no clean pants then he can very well put his pants in the wash.

[beach]

OH yeah -believe me we have discussed this many times.

 

 

His response is always to point out how much $ he provides for our family. And /or to point out other chores he does (on a much less regular basis) that he thinks I am not capable of doing myself.

When I point out how much I am doing and why I am going to school it seems like he just doesn't understand how much effort working and going to school really takes on my part. Although he does tell me he is proud of me sometimes when I share good news about my grades etc...

 

 

If I were to ever see him cleaning anything, doing dishes or laundry I might wonder if someone took over or possessed his body.

 

 

I thought about making the chore chart for the whole family but I know my husband would be upset if his name was on there too & he would view something like that as me being bossy towards him.

 

Oh man. You've handed that man way too much of your power. He thinks little of you - I hope you will work on getting balance back in your marriage.

 

I know several doctors married to women and they do tons of things around the house - even if their wife doesn't work. Dishes, laundry - none of those things are above them...why? Because they view their spouses as equal and don't put themselves above their woman because they make more money.

 

That's just an ugly egomaniac - which is tough to love.

[Emerald_11]

When I was making more money than him it was the same way. So the bread winner thing is not the only reason. Its just his excuse right now...& obviously I don't expect him to do chores if he is working a ton or out of town...

 

 

He is the one who always makes these things an issue not me. He just expects a lot.

 

 

I know making the bed isn't something everyone does all the time & if I am running late I will skip it..

I guess I worry about spiders crawling up under the covers or something. & also my dog jumps up on my bed & if his paws happen to be a little dirty I would rather them not get on the sheets & just on the comforter...

I do not even mention him not making the bed or anything unless he brings it up.

 

 

EDIT: He had 3 pairs of clean pants in his dresser that he just didn't want to wear & he wanted to wear the ones that were dirty & for some reason it was my fault..

[Haydn]

It`s not really on OP. Sheer laziness on his part. Bringing up how much he provides for you is stupid when talking about doing laundry.

 

I would just leave his washing to pile up until he gets the message. I`ve done this with slobby GF`s.

[bathtub-row]

I personally can't stand to look at an unmade bed. It's just one of those things that really grates on me. However, I make sure that my bed is very easy to make up so that it's no big deal to do it each day - a fluffy comforter that gets folded down at the top along with the sheets, and pillows that are propped up. No biggie. I like for my bedroom to look neat, just like the rest of my house, and, at night, I like to get under covers that are straight and not all crumpled up. Just my thoughts on the whole thing.

 

As far as your husband is concerned, I would stop getting sucked into these conversations with him. They're pointless because they accomplish nothing. He was apparently brought up by someone who taught him that housework is not something a man does. You'll never drill this out of him. I would just say something simple like "Sorry, honey" and walk out of the room or just stop commenting on it.

 

You also may want to start paying attention to the timing of these discussions. Like this coming up when you have finals to think about. It's possible that he is what is referred to as a "crazymaker", meaning that he will deliberately throw chaos into an otherwise calm situation, or when your attention is elsewhere. Crazymakers aren't usually conscious of their own behavior but it's extremely annoying to others. For instance, the two of you may be in the same room but not talking. Then you sit down to read a book and then he suddenly starts doing this dance of bringing up issues, trying to make you feel guilty, etc. If he does things like this, then understand that you're dealing with someone who just likes to create chaos in order to stir things up, or to get your attention. You'll need to learn how to diffuse these situations without feeding into the chaos.

Edited December 10, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Els]

When I was making more money than him it was the same way. So the bread winner thing is not the only reason. Its just his excuse right now...& obviously I don't expect him to do chores if he is working a ton or out of town...

 

I'm confused, I thought in your opening post you said he did his fair share of chores back before you had your first child. So he has always been like this?

 

He is the one who always makes these things an issue not me. He just expects a lot.

 

EDIT: He had 3 pairs of clean pants in his dresser that he just didn't want to wear & he wanted to wear the ones that were dirty & for some reason it was my fault..

 

Ick, sounds like a total manchild. Going to just suggest it again - stop doing his chores for him, and if he complains about it tell him he should learn to do it himself. Secondly, insist on marriage counseling.

[spanz1]

hire a maid to come in one time per week to clean. That will free up time for the relationship, cleaning clothes, etc. also, you will do better in school due to having more time to study.

[beach]

hire a maid to come in one time per week to clean. That will free up time for the relationship, cleaning clothes, etc. also, you will do better in school due to having more time to study.

 

That's a simple answer but avoids the fact that he's basically disrespecting her.

[spanz1]

not necessarily. He might want to help, but despises housework! He can show that he cares by paying for a maid service. It hurts a little for him, since that is $90 less beer money every time they come...but that hurt shows he cares and loves her.

[Els]

not necessarily. He might want to help, but despises housework! He can show that he cares by paying for a maid service. It hurts a little for him, since that is $90 less beer money every time they come...but that hurt shows he cares and loves her.

 

I think this could work too. But the insulting and name-calling bit still has to stop regardless.

 

Also there is one that costs $25/hour, but it depends on where you live - https://www.homejoy.com/

[NateGrey]

I don't think chores are just for me women, but I couldn't help shake one feeling: can your H be passive aggressive at times? I guess I was wondering, since you mention being busy with going to college and working part time, if maybe he is upset over that and this is his way of taking it out on you?

 

I'm not saying if that is the case he is right to do that, just a thought. I guess I'm asking..are you TOO busy with these other things? Like when you are not working or at school, are you just studying? How much time do you spend together, and I don't mean including time with the kids?

[Emerald_11]

I personally can't stand to look at an unmade bed. It's just one of those things that really grates on me. However, I make sure that my bed is very easy to make up so that it's no big deal to do it each day - a fluffy comforter that gets folded down at the top along with the sheets, and pillows that are propped up. No biggie. I like for my bedroom to look neat, just like the rest of my house, and, at night, I like to get under covers that are straight and not all crumpled up. Just my thoughts on the whole thing.

 

As far as your husband is concerned, I would stop getting sucked into these conversations with him. They're pointless because they accomplish nothing. He was apparently brought up by someone who taught him that housework is not something a man does. You'll never drill this out of him. I would just say something simple like "Sorry, honey" and walk out of the room or just stop commenting on it.

 

You also may want to start paying attention to the timing of these discussions. Like this coming up when you have finals to think about. It's possible that he is what is referred to as a "crazymaker", meaning that he will deliberately throw chaos into an otherwise calm situation, or when your attention is elsewhere. Crazymakers aren't usually conscious of their own behavior but it's extremely annoying to others. For instance, the two of you may be in the same room but not talking. Then you sit down to read a book and then he suddenly starts doing this dance of bringing up issues, trying to make you feel guilty, etc. If he does things like this, then understand that you're dealing with someone who just likes to create chaos in order to stir things up, or to get your attention. You'll need to learn how to diffuse these situations without feeding into the chaos.

 

Thank you! I do like my entire home to be neat and organized. I am glad to know I am not the only one who cant stand looking at an unmade bed! It is really not much to expect someone to make a bed since it is easy & only takes a minute.

 

 

I think you are right. My husband might be what you refer to as a "crazy maker" I think he does feel like too much of my attention is on my school work and that might be how he deals with it. I have to do my homework so I try to work on it on campus more now so my time at home is more about home...but I still have to do some of my work at home.

We do try to get a babystitter and go on dates & spend time together without the kids sometimes when we can.

I have noticed that my husband gets a little jealous acting when I talk to friends of mine on the phone even if he is not even talking to me & just sitting there watching tv suddenly he acts like I am ignoring him or something.

I do try to cut those types of conversations about chores & laundry short & just leave if I can or was leaving anyways. I realize there is no point to have the conversation because he is not willing to help out & makes it just my responsibility. It is still annoying & exhausting. I mean is this my future? --Having the same dumb conversation repeatedly ----same thing different day for all eternity?? I just want to be happy.

Edited December 13, 2014 by Emerald_11

[Els]

Thank you! I do like my entire home to be neat and organized. I am glad to know I am not the only one who cant stand looking at an unmade bed! It is really not much to expect someone to make a bed since it is easy & only takes a minute.

 

It's about the principle of the thing. If he doesn't consider making the bed to be essential and you do, you should try and do it yourself instead of expecting him to do it for you (and yes it is for you if it doesn't matter to him). Just like how if he wants a specific pair of pants to wear to work tomorrow, he should wash it himself instead of expecting you to do it for him. There can be room for compromise, of course, and happy couples tend to want to do nice things for each other. But neither of you should be expecting the other person to do household chores according to your own personal standards and desires.

 

I'm not blaming you for the current situation, because as I said, he really does sound like an entitled manchild to me. Just pointing this out.

 

Also, marriage counseling has been suggested multiple times. Is there a reason you do not want to go?

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Sounds like you need to spend less time on the internet and more time doing the housework, since when your husband did try to comply with your wishes, your attitude was and is one of discouragement and not giving him credit for it.

 

If it's not important enough for you to at least acknowledge when he was doing it, then it's not important to you. Right?

 

You also disparage the other stuff he does around the house too. Fixing stuff doesn't "count."

 

It seems these kind of problems over housework only come up when for some reason the marriage has other deeper problems and the wife wants to use "He's not doing his fair share of the chores!!!" as a pretext for: cutting off sex, becoming a bitch, cheating, etc.

 

 

Oh you are one of those too huh?

 

Go wash a dish yourself Dude. It's the 21st century. Your penis wil stay intact if you lower yourself to housework I promise.

 

Maybe the Ops so called husband needs to get off his ass and clean his house.

 

Why should he get a ****ing parade for making a feeble attempt. Damn! It's housework not rocket science.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Is he the sole breadwinner then? How many hours a week does he work?

 

 

Why does this matter? She's working and going to school. A grown ass man can wash his own clothes. She's not the maid.