How could I do this to myself?

[FusionCutter]

I know it doesn't make so much sense, but for me it was a competition, which I lost. Not that xMM or his W won anything, but they didn't lose anything either. They maybe would have if the A came out, but it didn't, and I'm actually glad it didn't. It would have made a lot of drama, and I don't want that.

 

I know it's not a nice thing to say, and I know it comes from bitterness and revenge thoughts. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be angry with him. I just want to move on and not feel anything...just think of him as a amazing but also terrible experience. The hurt is almost gone, but he's still in my thoughts and I compare other men to him, so I haven't moved on yet.

 

I can relate to this kind of situation,where you feel like it was a "competition". We all want to win love, but it needs to be done honestly. This was a dishonest competition.

 

In a way, you did win, and you should be ashamed about it. (I say this gently.) if she knew the truth about everything, the bomb you spent time building up with your MM would explode and destroy her. How does that make you feel good? It wasn't a fair fight to begin with.

 

You might have started out not caring about her at all,but if you give it some thought,and want to show compassion as a human being,you'll realize she is the victim here, not you. She is the one who has to live unknowingly in a lie.

 

Instead of competing with her you should feel sorry for your fellow woman. Instead of seeing your MM as some great guy, you should see him a disgusting man for doing this to her.

[I'mNotYours]

I can relate to this kind of situation,where you feel like it was a "competition". We all want to win love, but it needs to be done honestly. This was a dishonest competition.

 

In a way, you did win, and you should be ashamed about it. (I say this gently.) if she knew the truth about everything, the bomb you spent time building up with your MM would explode and destroy her. How does that make you feel good? It wasn't a fair fight to begin with.

 

You might have started out not caring about her at all,but if you give it some thought,and want to show compassion as a human being,you'll realize she is the victim here, not you. She is the one who has to live unknowingly in a lie.

 

Instead of competing with her you should feel sorry for your fellow woman. Instead of seeing your MM as some great guy, you should see him a disgusting man for doing this to her.

 

It doesn't. And that's why I never wanted the A to be disclosed and I never considered telling her. She may be living with a cheating liar, but she doesn't know that. I don't know how he acts around her..maybe he's really caring and loving..maybe even more now than before, because he feels guilty. I don't know that, so I'm making my own stories. I only see what they post on FB (they're blocked now, but before), and she was writing all kinds of sweet things on his wall and she also posted the vacation photos. I can't blame her or hate her for loving him; afterall I did the same thing.

 

But the main thing is that I want to move on. I don't want to hurt him, her or myself anymore.

[FusionCutter]

It doesn't. And that's why I never wanted the A to be disclosed and I never considered telling her. She may be living with a cheating liar, but she doesn't know that. I don't know how he acts around her..maybe he's really caring and loving..maybe even more now than before, because he feels guilty. I don't know that, so I'm making my own stories. I only see what they post on FB (they're blocked now, but before), and she was writing all kinds of sweet things on his wall and she also posted the vacation photos. I can't blame her or hate her for loving him; afterall I did the same thing.

 

But the main thing is that I want to move on. I don't want to hurt him, her or myself anymore.

 

That's good. How you move on is NC. Stick to it. It's like eating glass. You have to do it or you'll never move on. He wasn't willing to do the right thing, which was stop the affair or end his marriage, that doesn't mean you cant do the right thing.

 

It's tough. Delete and block. If she writes those sweet things, chances are she loves him. Honour yourself and walk away from this guy. He's a monster if you think about it deeply.

[purplesorrow]

I know it doesn't make so much sense, but for me it was a competition, which I lost. Not that xMM or his W won anything, but they didn't lose anything either. They maybe would have if the A came out, but it didn't, and I'm actually glad it didn't. It would have made a lot of drama, and I don't want that.

 

I know it's not a nice thing to say, and I know it comes from bitterness and revenge thoughts. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be angry with him. I just want to move on and not feel anything...just think of him as a amazing but also terrible experience. The hurt is almost gone, but he's still in my thoughts and I compare other men to him, so I haven't moved on yet.

 

You compare other men to him and they don't add up?? Please explain. I mean is he really that great? He isn't trustworthy, what's to compare? Where are you meeting these men? Please set a higher standard. I'm sure you want better than he gave you or his wife.

[FusionCutter]

You compare other men to him and they don't add up?? Please explain. I mean is he really that great? He isn't trustworthy, what's to compare? Where are you meeting these men? Please set a higher standard. I'm sure you want better than he gave you or his wife.

 

She's only comparing the highs while magically erasing the lows. If you compare the lows and the hurt, just about any relationship with a single guy is better.

[I'mNotYours]

You compare other men to him and they don't add up?? Please explain. I mean is he really that great? He isn't trustworthy, what's to compare? Where are you meeting these men? Please set a higher standard. I'm sure you want better than he gave you or his wife.

 

Well, it's not easy to explain something that is so hard to understand. Also hard to understand for me. Besides the cheating (how ironic that may sound) I think he had a lot of great qualities. I thought he was beautiful on the outside and the inside. He was strong, but also very sensitive and caring, and he was smart and funny. He kept saying he can't continue this, because he's hurting everyone and he feels miserable about it, but I kept breaking NC. He never promised me anything.

 

But he was also a very selfish man. And manipulative. And passive agressive. And he lied to me too and didn't have respect for me. And of course he was a cheater and I would never trust him if we were in a real relationship.

 

So yeah..there're a lot of great (and single) men outthere. I just haven't met anyone of them yet.

Edited November 21, 2014 by I'mNotYours

[Lovemesomehim]

Well, it's not easy to explain something that is so hard to understand. Also hard to understand for me. Besides the cheating (how ironic that may sound) I think he had a lot of great qualities. I thought he was beautiful on the outside and the inside. He was strong, but also very sensitive and caring, and he was smart and funny. He kept saying he can't continue this, because he's hurting everyone and he feels miserable about it, but I kept breaking NC. He never promised me anything.

 

But he was also a very selfish man. And manipulative. And passive agressive. And he lied to me too and didn't have respect for me. And of course he was a cheater and I would never trust him if we were in a real relationship.

 

So yeah..there're a lot of great (and single) men outthere. I just haven't met anyone of them yet.

 

Maybe its hard for you to meet the right single man because you haven't fully let go of this mm and what led you to have an affair with an unavailable man.

 

 

I say the above based on this...

 

 

Maybe its also hard for you to let go because deep down, you want revenge on him not choosing you but choosing his marriage. And since he has chosen his marriage, what makes you think he did not tell his wife about you and the affair?

 

 

Maybe he hasn't reached out to you because he is working on his marriage. You stated you saw pictures of the two of them on her facebook page on vacation. (which by the way screams, you are not over this man and not willing to let him go) If he's out with his wife on vacation and both are enjoying their marriage, what does that tell you? And your xMM is still married to his w, regardless to him cheating and lying...he's still with his wife because just like you, she sees the good qualities in her husband and she loves him.

 

 

Stop living in the past and move forward. The longer you stay, day dreaming and wishing this man was yours, the longer and harder it will be to pull away. He's moving forward with his life, shouldn't you?

[FusionCutter]

Yeah exactly. Doesn't sound like the marriage is too shabby if they vacation together.

[I'mNotYours]

Yeah exactly. Doesn't sound like the marriage is too shabby if they vacation together.

 

In my head they're having a perfect marriage. He never claimed their marriage was bad by the way.

[I'mNotYours]

Stop living in the past and move forward. The longer you stay, day dreaming and wishing this man was yours, the longer and harder it will be to pull away. He's moving forward with his life, shouldn't you?

 

That's what I'm trying to do. I have blocked them both on FB and I don't feel the need to contact him. Right now I'm trying to digest it all and during that I'm beating myself up, and that's what this thread was also about.

[FusionCutter]

In my head they're having a perfect marriage. He never claimed their marriage was bad by the way.

 

Doesn't that say a lot about his character?

[I'mNotYours]

Doesn't that say a lot about his character?

 

? What do you mean?

[Lovemesomehim]

Right now there's been 2 months of NC. I met the MM about 6 months ago and we saw eachother for 4 months. He's been with the BS for 8 years. He told me he fell in love with me and I'm everything he has ever wished for..and I felt the same way about him. I'm single and in my early 30s and I really say him as the man of my dreams. He never talked badly about his wife nor his marriage, but in his own words; he just fell in love with me.

 

One year ago, you were in the above situation with the mm. You had 2 months of no contact. You saw this man for 4 months and it is taking you 12 months to get over him....If you fell in love within 4 months, you basically fell in love with an illusion of the man (good qualities he showed you) and realized his bad qualities when you didn't receive the type of relationship you wanted with him...hanging on 12 months is past its expiration.

 

 

Its time to let this man go and move on with your life.

[GirlStillStrong]

I just want to say thank you for this thread and for being so open about what you are going through, ImNotYours. It is helping me.

 

I do also want to say I do not believe anyone is a victim in this situation. I also do not believe in pointing fingers or laying blame. Everyone is an adult here, as far as I can tell, and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. When you get married or commit to a relationship, you take chances. No one is perfect and there are no guarantees that ANYONE will be faithful or committed forever. For anyone to expect this is to be unrealistic. Go ahead and jump me with all of the "shoulds" but the truth is the truth. As long as there have been marriage vows, there have been people who break them.

[GirlStillStrong]

Doesn't that say a lot about his character?

 

Isn't it funny how easy and obvious it is to judge the married person in an affair? I wonder if having an affair with a married person is just another way of avoiding looking at our own selves because someone else's faults are so glaring.

[purplesorrow]

I just want to say thank you for this thread and for being so open about what you are going through, ImNotYours. It is helping me.

 

I do also want to say I do not believe anyone is a victim in this situation. I also do not believe in pointing fingers or laying blame. Everyone is an adult here, as far as I can tell, and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. When you get married or commit to a relationship, you take chances. No one is perfect and there are no guarantees that ANYONE will be faithful or committed forever. For anyone to expect this is to be unrealistic. Go ahead and jump me with all of the "shoulds" but the truth is the truth. As long as there have been marriage vows, there have been people who break them.

 

I wasn't unrealistic to expect fidelity, it is what I gave. Don't marry if you can't be an adult about the relationship. And please explain to my 5 year old how she isn't a victim of my stbx'so cheating.

[Justanaverageguy]

I just want to say thank you for this thread and for being so open about what you are going through, ImNotYours. It is helping me.

 

I do also want to say I do not believe anyone is a victim in this situation. I also do not believe in pointing fingers or laying blame. Everyone is an adult here, as far as I can tell, and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. When you get married or commit to a relationship, you take chances. No one is perfect and there are no guarantees that ANYONE will be faithful or committed forever. For anyone to expect this is to be unrealistic. Go ahead and jump me with all of the "shoulds" but the truth is the truth. As long as there have been marriage vows, there have been people who break them.

 

I strongly disagree but I will say this - I do not think it is realistic to expect all relationships to last forever. I think the idea of until death to us part is absolutely absurd. My personal opinion based on my own experience and research is that men and women are not actually meant to stay together for life. Like most other animals we are not naturally monogamous and both sexes crave and are attracted to have multiple partners in their lifetime. Marriage till death is a wholly unnatural thing invented by the church. I think if we didn't have that ridiculous notion then there would probably be a lot less cheating because people wouldn't feel so trapped and unable to leave their bad relationships.

 

Because in my mind there is a huge difference between some one who is a decent, honest and strong enough person to end a relationship when it has run its course - and a person who is too selfish and cowardly to end the relationship and instead runs around and has a secret affair on the side. Sometimes for YEARS!!! Deliberately deceiving their partner because they are too much of a coward to do the right thing. If you want multiple partners fine - I'm seriously down with that. No problem! Just don't be a horrible disgusting human being about it. Have the decency to end the committed relationship you are in first or have an open relationship with someone who is on the same page.

 

I don't expect a person to "commit for life". I just expect a person who I've shared a large chunk of my life experience with, who claims to have loved me and cared for me - to have a basic level of respect for me as a person. I don't think that is too much to ask.

Edited November 22, 2014 by Justanaverageguy

[GirlStillStrong]

I wasn't unrealistic to expect fidelity, it is what I gave. Don't marry if you can't be an adult about the relationship. And please explain to my 5 year old how she isn't a victim of my stbx'so cheating.

Adults have affairs. You think that because someone has an affair that is an indication that they are immature or a child? I don't understand what you mean. Is that just judging? These are honest questions, not being sarcastic or anything.

 

Please don't think of or treat your daughter like a victim; that weakens a person. It's difficult to stand tall with your chin up when you believe you are a victim. I know, I believed it most of my life.

 

I was not talking about children. I was talking about the adults, obviously. I should hope one would not involve a 5 year old in adult relationship decisions.

 

I have learned that giving does not equal receiving and to expect the same in return IS unrealistic. People make mistakes. People change. People choose to move on. People don't become perfect, infallible, or unchanging just because you marry them. For me to expect that people will not do these things is to be unrealistic. I have learned this over and over and over again. To be happy, I first had to learn to change my expectations of others. It's a work in progress.

Edited November 23, 2014 by GirlStillStrong

[purplesorrow]

Adults have affairs. You think that because someone has an affair that is an indication that they are immature or a child? I don't understand what you mean. Is that just judging? These are honest questions, not being sarcastic or anything.

 

Please don't think of or treat your daughter like a victim; that weakens a person. It's difficult to stand tall with your chin up when you believe you are a victim. I know, I believed it most of my life.

 

I was not talking about children. I was talking about the adults, obviously. I should hope one would not involve a 5 year old in adult relationship decisions.

 

I have learned that giving does not equal receiving and to expect the same in return IS unrealistic. People make mistakes. People change. People choose to move on. People don't become perfect, infallible, or unchanging just because you marry them. For me to expect that people will not do these things is to be unrealistic. I have learned this over and over and over again. To be happy, I first had to learn to change my expectations of others. It's a work in progress.

Do I think it is childish and immature to sneak and hide something from your spouse...um YES! An adult would take time to talk to their partner, or seek therapy or leave. We are divorcing, how does that not involve my daughter? I never expected him to be perfect, never asked him to be. Cheating is a choice, not a mistake. If he wasn't ready or willing to be monogamous he shouldn't have gotten married.

[GirlStillStrong]

Do I think it is childish and immature to sneak and hide something from your spouse...um YES! An adult would take time to talk to their partner, or seek therapy or leave. We are divorcing, how does that not involve my daughter? I never expected him to be perfect, never asked him to be. Cheating is a choice, not a mistake. If he wasn't ready or willing to be monogamous he shouldn't have gotten married.

 

Well, you know him best, I'm sure. But your judgment clouds your truth; judgment always does. It may not be simply immaturity or childishness that caused someone to withhold the truth.

 

I understand you are upset about your divorce and your daughter being affected. All I am saying is that taking on a victim mentality, for anyone either BS or child, is harmful.

 

Anyway, I wasn't trying to hijack the thread or have sidebar conversations away from the OP. I was just trying to say that there are other, less harmful ways of looking at affairs than to consider oneself a victim. Sorry he's done what he's done. I hope you find peace soon.

[GirlStillStrong]

Thanks for the replies

 

I guess the combination of my fear of rejection and abandonment, "daddy issues" and a lack of self esteem makes me a great candidate for the OW-role. I want a relationship, a marriage, kids..but at the same time I'm so scared of it. The thought of just living with someone scares me although I'm also longing for it

 

Sometimes I think that the A was working well for me. I had a man, who I only saw a couple of times a week, and I only got the good things. But in a way I always knew it wasn't good enough. I wanted more. Maybe not with him, but in general. In the end I was feeling dirty and the magic and feeling of overwhelming love was gone.

 

As one of you wrote it's hard, because I never really got him. I never got the carrot and found out how he/it is on a daily basis. And actually I don't know if I really wanted HIM. I wanted him to want me, and I wanted the A to have consequences for him and his marriage.

 

I miss him. I miss the good things he and the A made me feel. And I still haven't allowed myself to grieve and let him go.

 

This makes me think, perhaps it is that the nature of the affair relationship make us feel all those great things about ourselves, at least it did for me. It's like the beginning of any relationship where you are excited to see the person and they are excited to see you, they are attracted to you and you feel attractive, etc. It's like the relationship is frozen in "courtship" mode. You don't have to share a bathroom every day, clean up after them, deal with their grouchy moods or bad days at the office, you're independent and expect less from them. It's a truncated version of a real relationship.

[I'mNotYours]

This makes me think, perhaps it is that the nature of the affair relationship make us feel all those great things about ourselves, at least it did for me. It's like the beginning of any relationship where you are excited to see the person and they are excited to see you, they are attracted to you and you feel attractive, etc. It's like the relationship is frozen in "courtship" mode. You don't have to share a bathroom every day, clean up after them, deal with their grouchy moods or bad days at the office, you're independent and expect less from them. It's a truncated version of a real relationship.

 

I agree.

 

For me it also has to do with lack of self esteem and feeling of self worth. Sometimes I think that I don't deserve to be more than a OW. I KNOW I deserve more, but deep down inside I'm not sure. I'm not sure I'm girlfriend/wife material

[GirlStillStrong]

I agree.

 

For me it also has to do with lack of self esteem and feeling of self worth. Sometimes I think that I don't deserve to be more than a OW. I KNOW I deserve more, but deep down inside I'm not sure. I'm not sure I'm girlfriend/wife material

 

It sounds like what you are describing does have something to do with self esteem and self worth. IDK how old you are but self esteem, self worth, and self image can have a lot to do with age and just general life experience. It doesn't mean you are broken or incapable or unworthy. And, by the way, none of us DESERVES anything, either negative or positive, that is just a weird way of thinking. It just means you haven't had the right opportunity to prove yourself to your SELF yet. For some people, those opportunities are provided to them, whereas other people (like me) actually had to seek out those opportunities.

 

It's a matter of not having been challenged enough. Seek out a challenge. (but NOT in a romantic relationship. (You've already challenged yourself there by trying to win against his wife, and that is the wrong place to do this). What have you always wished you COULD do but have been hesitant to try? How about rock climbing or fencing or horseback riding? Who do you admire for what they do? How about Danica Patrick or Madeleine Albright? What are you AFRAID of? Being alone, climbing a mountain, swimming with your head under water? (These are just some ideas I am throwing out there. You come up with your own answers to these questions). Once you do, then go after those things, not after some guy. Guys and relationships don't give you self-esteem. And what good feelings you do get from them are shaky at best; people are just too unpredictable (and too often unreliable). Invest your time and emotional energy on your SELF. It will pay off in spades, I promise you.

[jellybean89]

How are you doing Imnotyours? Are you in NC?

[I'mNotYours]

How are you doing Imnotyours? Are you in NC?

 

I'm feeling better, thank you Or today I'm actually indifferent, which is better than being angry, sad og missing him as I've been (doing) before. My mood changes all the time, so I don't know how tomorrow will be, but today is ok

 

I'm in NC and sometimes I'm about to break it, but I keep saying to myself that it wouldn't change anything.