After 6 years fiancé calls off wedding (update)

[GirlStillStrong]

That's the thing she was always wanting cuddles , telling me how much she loved me needing reassurance telling me if I died she would kill herself ( I mentioned this after we broke up she laughed and said she was just being dramatic )

 

 

A few months back we were fighting nothing serious she started crying and she tried to cut her wrists open and take a o/d she scared the **** out of me ... I kept holding her and taking the knives away and begging with her to stop being crazy ... I never mentioned this again I wish I had to her .

OK, that is severely dysfunctional and this girl has some serious issues she needs mental health help. Seriously, this is WAY out of your control here and NOT something that is just going to fix itself. It takes YEARS of really hard work for a person to get beyond that type of disorder. There is a member here who posted information on BPD that you should probably read so you can make more sense of what is going on here. I'll find the thread and come back here and post it.

[GirlStillStrong]

Here it is. It's the post by Downtown: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/501539-time-critcal-meeting-wife-first-time-tommorow-need-guidance-3.html#post6001855

[whatcanitellyou]

Sounds to me like maybe you guys didn't bring out the best of each other. One of the reasons I knew my husband was a good match for me is because I felt like he brought out my best qualities.

[Dobie]

Here it is. It's the post by Downtown: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/501539-time-critcal-meeting-wife-first-time-tommorow-need-guidance-3.html#post6001855

 

 

Thanks I'd say she has about 15 of those traits hard to be sure she is BPD not being a shrink but yes a lot of that was spot on .

[Dobie]

I think I'd sum up as neurotic, anxious , negative , pessimistic, difficulty forming meaningful and deep friendships, paranoid , intolerant of others, low mood, mood swings, passive aggressive with anger issues . No sense of self criticism or ability to look inward it's always someone else to blame "victim mentality" .

 

On the other hand over the years though this declined she could be

 

Caring, affectionate , devoted, loving, warm, loyal, supportive .

 

Not sure what personality disorder that comes under or if that's even a personality disorder we are all of us a mixture of good/bad .

 

I don't think I will ever understand her or this ... from telling me how wonderful I am and wanting to spend her life with her "soul mate" to breaking up because "we are not meant to be" and I don't love you and have t done for years even though a few months back I was telling you I'd never leave you , I can't wait to get married and I "have always thought we were meant to be" . What a Wonderful caring, loving, amazing, funny clever man I am who even after 6 years I still think no other man compares to then switching and doing what she did .

 

I think I need to accept I will never have an answer and it doesn't matter she no longer loves or wants me .... She is gone I will mourn her for all the good but she is a ghost to me now and I have to accept it .

Edited November 16, 2014 by Dobie

[NopeNah]

You can only control one person in this life. Do as you want and expect nothing from others.

[Downtown]

A few months back we were fighting nothing serious she started crying and she tried to cut her wrists open and take a o/d she scared the **** out of me ... I kept holding her and taking the knives away and begging with her to stop being crazy.

Dobie, I agree with Girl that the behaviors you describe are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. Indeed, the "cutting" is particularly concerning. The APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" for only one disorder: BPD. That is, of the 157 disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has cutting listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

[GirlStillStrong]

I don't think I will ever understand her or this ... from telling me how wonderful I am and wanting to spend her life with her "soul mate" to breaking up because "we are not meant to be" and I don't love you and have t done for years even though a few months back I was telling you I'd never leave you , I can't wait to get married and I "have always thought we were meant to be" . What a Wonderful caring, loving, amazing, funny clever man I am who even after 6 years I still think no other man compares to then switching and doing what she did.

This is what Borderline Personality Disorder can do. It's a sickness of the mind that causes the person to think in extremes, with no ability to comprehend anything in between. So, no, you probably can never understand how or why she flips like that. What I think is important for you to understand is that BPD is a sickness that is beyond her control and if she has it, she actually believes everything she has said to you, at the time she said it. But to the Borderline, YOU are the one who is causing her to flip. It is YOU who are being inconsistent and she can't figure out whether you are really true or not. At some point you could do something that is completely innocent or normal to you and others that is a major offense to her. She "overreacts." Her perceptions are skewed, not normal, faulty. You can't make sense of that unless you experience her thoughts and her feelings yourself. And that's impossible.

[Dobie]

Thanks guys , she only tried the cutting pill popping once but to me it was total overreaction to a basic fight . I don't know if she is BPD but she has had childhood trauma for sure . She is not healthy mentally whatever her problem is but I can't help hurting missing and loving her ... It's been 5 weeks since I've seen her and there is this anxious void in my life

 

She didn't have impulsive behaviours though if anything she is sensible .

Edited November 16, 2014 by Dobie

[Quest]

she only tried the cutting pill popping once but to me it was total overreaction to a basic fight . I don't know if she is BPD but she has had childhood trauma for sure . She is not healthy mentally whatever her problem is but I can't help hurting missing and loving her ... It's been 5 weeks since I've seen her and there is this anxious void in my life

 

She didn't have impulsive behaviours though if anything she is sensible .

 

You're going to miss her. You loved her. That's the hard part. And she obviously loved you, or she wouldn't have got to the point of wanting to marry you, or been in the relationship so long. But she's definitely got problems that she, and only she, can really sort out. They'd have to be dealt with before she could have a functional relationship with anyone.

By the sounds of it, you tried your best to be there for her and help her. But you didn't really know what you were dealing with and maybe she didn't either. She needs to acknowledge her issues for herself and seek help. The sad thing from her point of view is that she had someone who was willing to stick with her and might have given her some support through any help she did get. But I just hope you can get strong and find a bit of peace right now. It's the best and only thing you can do, for now, I think. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. You really did try your best for this relationship by the sounds of it. She just had too many problems and they were way bigger than you probably understood/knew.

[CarrieT]

She hardly ever smiled or laughed and I don't think she ever once in 6 years made me laugh .

Print this out.

 

Why would anyone want to spend their life with someone who never smiles or laughs???

 

Count your blessings that ultimately, you will realize the favor she did you.

[Dobie]

She txt me tonight to tell me she is getting most of the rest of her stuff next weekend ... No "how are you" no "how you coping after losing the dog" she knows how much I love that dog ... Sociopathic bitch I hope she dies of aids

[Dobie]

When a women tells you they don't love you moves out and the only contact you get in 5 weeks is a drunken "I miss you" and apart from that only texts about finilazing arrahments to do with accounts its over no hope ?

[Strength in Healing]

No hope, brother. But we all walk that path, don't feel bad. It happens to us all.

[loversquarrel]

Yeah, it's done. No point in holding out hope with this.

[Day.One]

Sorry Bro. It's time to go 180 and start moving on.

[jackinthebox1]

Its done for now. That relationship that you had is done and she has ruined that of her own accord.

Wether she comes back in 6 months, 12 months, who knows. It does happen. But only if you actively move on and live as though she wont.

At that point u can make a non emotional decision if u want someone back and there isnt much chance that you will.

[annisk]

Hi Dobie, I did my best to read most of these posts and I roughly have the gist on what's going on.

 

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about the heartbreak and shock you're going through. It's never pleasant and yours in particular. 6 years is an awful long time and for her to be doing all of this now seems downright baffling.

 

Considering her age, I'd say she spent a large chunk of her 20's being with you. It's likely that she's now reflected on her life and realised what she may have missed out on and the whole wedding thing and being committed to someone for the rest of her life probably gave her a little bit of cold feet. I know that seems strange because she did initiate all of it, but it's likely she had some sort of a revelation. Maybe she just needs a little bit of reassurance. Also v likely possibility about her BPD. I have a friend who dated someone with BPD and your girl sounds a lot like him! They're a real handful they are.

 

She also seems to be behaving rather cold right now, which isn't going to make what I'm about to suggest easy or maybe even possible, but if you love this girl - no matter how cruel she's behaving right now, I'd say you should put up a fight. Try a little tenderness (as Ottis Redding once sang) but enough that she still has space of her own to think about things. She needs to know that you still love her, even for the worse. Don't give up just because things have gotten a little.. or very trying at the moment. She may be behaving cold and cruelly, but that doesn't mean you have to.

 

Lastly, I don't know if this is an idea you'd be comfortable with, but maybe suggest that if it's you she's unsure about, tell her that speaking as her best friend or something, give her your blessing to go on dates with other guys to see what it's like? I mean, she may never come back, but at least then you know that she's unfortunately not the right one for you.

 

And if it all doesn't work out, you will at least know you tried.

 

You deserve someone who recognises your efforts and wants to be with you.

[annisk]

About that laughing thing though.. that's a pretty big deal. You might want to reconsider spending the rest of your life with someone who's NEVER made you laugh.

[Radu]

Besides her mental problems, one of the big issues here was her inability to reconcile the fact that you were not manly enough because she earned more.

 

She will not have a bright future.

[preraph]

It's common when someone feels guilty or like the bad guy for calling it off that they will look for and manufacture things to accuse the other person of to justify them leaving. They usually realize later that wasn't fair or right, but it truly is common. They feel bad and want to feel justified. Sounds like a crap breakup, but I guess better now than after the expense of a wedding and then all that legal stuff to leave. She went with her gut. Probably you just grew apart and she wasn't feeling it anymore. I'm so sorry for your loss here. Try not to take her words too seriously. If you did your best, that's all you could have done.

[Dobie]

Annisk I tried to reach out to her a few weeks ago proposed a drink and a talk . She said we could talk on the phone told her I'd give her space she can get her own flat see how things go she just switched on me and shut me down blamed me for everything and told me she was going with her gut "we are not meant to be" I don't love you blah blah blah .... Few weeks back it was "we are meant to be" .

 

5 weeks apart is a long time for us (never been apart for longer than a week) this will just add to her feelings that she is doing the right thing as she doesn't miss me . She used me till she had new friends and a happy job now she does she doesn't need me for support or company and she can go and "find herself" .

Edited November 18, 2014 by Dobie

[Quest]

I tried to reach out to her a few weeks ago proposed a drink and a talk . She said we could talk on the phone told her I'd give her space she can get her own flat see how things go she just switched on me and shut me down blamed me for everything and told me she was going with her gut "we are not meant to be" I don't love you blah blah blah .... Few weeks back it was "we are meant to be" .

 

5 weeks apart is a long time for us (never been apart for longer than a week) this will just add to her feelings that she is doing the right thing as she doesn't miss me . She used me till she had new friends and a happy job now she does she doesn't need me for support or company and she can go and "find herself" .

 

I can see why you are angry and don't think much good will come of trying to talk to her just now but I do think Annisk has a point ... if you really love her it might be worth trying to have some contact, but not now, in a while. I really doubt that she doesn't miss you. If she doesn't now/yet, she will. But she needs time to be on her own with her feelings and also to be at the point where she can see that you aren't the source of all/any of her misery. That said, I don't think you should hold out for her - try to get on with your own life and make it the best you can. Leave the door open so that if she eventually wants to, the pair of you can talk again, when feelings are running less high. At that point even if it's just a chance to part with more understanding and talk through 'what happened' it will be better than it just suddenly ending the way it has. Six years is a long time for that kind of break up. You don't need to be a doormat, or take any more hurtful conversations - just get on with your own life and see if further down the line there is a chance to talk things through. Give it six months or whatever and then if you want to, make contact, or you might find she does. If she does, you can see how you feel about that then. It's not as if either of you has cheated or done something terrible to bring about the end of the relationship so why not at least allow yourself, and her, the chance to respect what you had together? It might make you feel better in the long run.

[Dobie]

Hi quest ,

 

I'm sure she misses me sometimes she said so but its not enough for her as she said just because I miss you doesent mean we are "right for each other" I'm so angry at her for pushing me into the arms of other women when I don't want to be but can't help thinking she is probably going on dates and ****ting on our love ....

 

 

She told me I would meet another girl in time wtf and to make sure any girls I bring back to not do it on her bed wtf and that I deserve a sex life wtf

Edited November 18, 2014 by Dobie

[mrs rubble]

Hey Dobie, I'm so sorry to hear of your heartache.

I don't know how you could get thru 6 years without smiles and laughter.

A sense of humour is one of my biggest requirements in a partner!

 

I'd like to suggest you join a club of some sort, to take your mind off things and get yourself out of the house and distracted. This worked for me...I joined a nudist club and have had the time of my life, meeting a huge variety of new people.