FortunateSon Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 I am guessing you know what your ex's number is. Leave it be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 25, 2014 Author Share Posted December 25, 2014 I am guessing you know what your ex's number is. Leave it be. No I don't I always had her down under her name . So keep NC even if it makes me look petty now? Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 It doesn't look petty. It looks like you deleted her number and didn't have it come up by name. Even if it was momentarily you just asked a question. Stay NC. This is for you now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 26, 2014 Author Share Posted December 26, 2014 I feel annoyed with the "how mature" dig . This coming from someone as arrogant and childish as her . What did she expect ? Yes I'm FINE lovely xmass after everything you did you narcisitic sociopathic loon !! Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 Did you respond or leave it be? I hope you didn't respond... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 26, 2014 Author Share Posted December 26, 2014 Did you respond or leave it be? I hope you didn't respond... I stayed NC 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 I am married and I can tell you right now that whatever issues there are now they get magnified by thousands once married. People do not change. You sound like a really nice guy and she sounds a little off. I mean maybe it's cold feet or it could be another man, but my advice to you is to just disappear from her life. Find someone more suitable to your needs. You can't always be fixing your significant other...it won't work like that.... I wish you the best...... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 29, 2014 Author Share Posted December 29, 2014 so i found her on tinder "so much for her i want to be single for at least a year bull" Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 so i found her on tinder "so much for her i want to be single for at least a year bull" Of course she is going to be looking for other men, why wouldn't she? She may have meant that she wanted to be single for more than a year THEN, but she is entitled to change her mind, she is now a free agent. She can do as she pleases and soooo can YOU. NO point in hanging on to the past, life is short, she is NOT coming back, YOU cannot do anything about what she does. She has made it quite plain she wants nothing to do with you any more, let it go and start living for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 so i found her on tinder "so much for her i want to be single for at least a year bull" Most people generally are not able to be alone at all. If she has those bpd-traits, than her skilles to be alone are non-existent. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 Yes I am slightly co -dependent and I'm hoping to work through that with a therapist I think this is a MASSIVE understatement and that are more than *slightly* co-dependent if you are still frantic about your ex, but am glad you are seeing a therapist. I'm also loyal and a realist I don't expect my partners to be perfect or my relationships to be a case of Romeo and Juliet .. You are not a realist if you expect what she told you ("I'm going to be single for a year") to be true. You have an un-healthy expectation of her that you continue to harp on; i.e., that she will return to you healthy and normal. And yes I do feel sorry for myself do I have a right yep is it healthy nope . And this needs to stop. Pronto. You need to stop the pity party ASAP as it is getting you no where. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 Jeez folks, lighten up on the guy!! It's been what? A month and a half since his world fell apart? Some of you sound as if he should have buried it already and moved on. Give the guy a break. Dobie, it's perfectly understandable that you are shell shocked about the quickness in which she moved on at. The important thing is to process it and use the information that you have gleaned to understand that her words mean absolutely nothing. Take it day by day and let your mind throw out its hurt because it's gonna. You're gonna flip between rage and crying over the next few days learning what you have. Allow it to happen... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 A lot of tough love going on here. OP, I'm going to go the other direction: take what people are telling you about co-dependency and your own issues with a grain of salt. None of us know you or know the relationship you had. You've been blindsided and are very frantic. You're on a roller coaster of emotions and a lot of poison is spewing out. I feel people are latching on to things and trying to diagnose you. You're at your most vulnerable right now. Be that. It's OK to feel everything you're feeling. It's OK to be completely useless to yourself and to others right now. It's OK to lash out, to hate others, to hate yourself, to feel like your entire world has caved in. Be what you are. If you want to wear yourself into the ground trying to figure out your issues, do that. But I don't think you're in the right frame of mind for self-awareness right now. That comes later. Keep hashing out your feelings here. Stay NC. Be what you are. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Quest Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 Agreeing with previous two posts here - it's a shock to have a long relationship suddenly 'gone' and finding your ex on Tinder a few weeks after this bombshell is another blow. You've hardly had time to process the fact that she's gone yet. One 'good' thing about 'secondary shocks' like that is that painful though they are they can help you move on. Feel the feelings, get angry, and keep on processing. Therapy will be a great help with that too. The worst thing you could do, IMO, is try not to feel what it's natural feel. Healing takes time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 Dobie, my ex also said she would be "single for a year" and "not interested in dating" after the break up of our 6 year relationship/engagement and she was in an another serious relationship 3-4 months later. She also exhibited very strong, textbook BPD traits. As you have heard, it's time for you to focus on yourself, she is no longer a part of your life. The best thing I did was go full NC and blocked her on social media, etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 I was never co-dependent before. Then I met my last ex (who also has strong BDP traits) and I started wondering why I was depending on her to make me happy. Those with BPD traits throw you for a frickin' loop, so don't beat yourself up... build yourself up. You just survived a relationship with someone like that. You are now stronger (even if you don't feel like it right now). You're also now wiser thanks to this experience. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) Thanks for all the kind words people I screwed up last w/e after the xmass text i got real drunk all w/e and broke NC first with funny videos taking the Micky out of her then ones about cheating and scenes from goodfellas (don't ask) then texts telling her I love her urghhhhhh I apologised in the morning then found her by accident on tinder left and voice msg telling her so much for "being single " thing was the last straw that and her whole family have blocked me and my family on wassapp / fb etc Yes I'm dealing from a blindside I just didn't know was coming I honestly thought we were getting married in the summer and buying a house around xmass . Being dumped is hard but the way she did like a total assclown and not even a word from her mum or family to see if I'm OK or wish me a happy xmass after nearly 7 years it just has left me hurt and speechless ...anyway I'm trying real friggin hard to focus on me now ...been reading a lot of books on self / help and bhuddist teachings . Going to start training soon as well and seeing the therapist been trying to keep positive and busy fix my mind first than the external world job , etc Last day and a half have been trying to just forget her I think the tinder thing helped I didn't cry or get angry I just thought that's it the last straw over / dead ...using techniques as well I have learnt from books about letting go . been pretty good as well up to this afternoon just got to keep the focus on me SHE IS NOT COMING BACK SHE IS INCAPABLE OF FEELING GUILTY OR SAYING SORRY BACK and I CAN DO BETTER ...SHE IS SICK so don't expect her to act like you would if the roles were reversed . I just want her dead in my psyche she is a waste of my time and energy I'm sick of hurting she even put age 27 on tinder she is nearly 30 which shows how childish she is so wants a younger b/f I've realised I was dating a girl I just thank god we never had kids she would have probably cheated on me and left me for some bozo and I would have had to see my kids as an when she felt like it . Just want this nightmare over ...I don't want to even remember her name . she can never have a happy or healthy relationship because she has the emotions of a selfish infant . she is the one who in the end will be alone or unhappy because she has no sense of self introspection she is looking for a man or friends to fix all her problems ....she will drift from guy to guy I can never see her in a happy 25 year marriage unless she stops the ME and I attitude (fat chance ) the fact she even needs male attention or validation shows she can't be single and grow . Edited December 31, 2014 by Dobie Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) She is NOT the key to my happiness I AM I AM sick of PAIN I will release the pain ... And laugh at her ... I won't even be angry she is a toddler an infant I am a man and I will when I'm ready find a queen not a princess I feel sorry for the next guy who will have to put up with her neurosis's demands and Anxiety's when she is over the I want to be 18 phase ...he better have a lot of patience . I can see her getting used and feeling cheap tbh Edited December 31, 2014 by Dobie Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 She is NOT the key to my happiness I AM I AM sick of PAIN I will release the pain ... And laugh at her ... I won't even be angry she is a toddler an infant I am a man and I will when I'm ready find a queen not a princess I feel sorry for the next guy who will have to put up with her neurosis's demands and Anxiety's when she is over the I want to be 18 phase ...he better have a lot of patience . I can see her getting used and feeling cheap tbh I can see every sentence mentions HER. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) Guys any ideas how to start feeling more empowered ? Obviously NC blocking on social media etc ... I feel really emasculated by this break up when we met I was the alpaha male she pursued and in the last year or two I become this shell of a man giving in to her demands and needs ... I feel powerless and this is what has been bugging me she initiated the BU she decided if and when she would speak to me , she still has my family photos and financial documents and she decides when she gives them back ... She decided to ruin my bday and take back her presents , she decided to tell me she wants to be friends (but when I acted like a friend she rebuffed me) she was the one who decided what she would take from the house ...etc..etc It annoys the hell out of me I have let her walk all over me . I feel like I need to get my power back show my boundaries rebuild my walls is there anything but NC that can do this ? Edited January 4, 2015 by Dobie Link to post Share on other sites
Holmes85 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Dear Dobie, Allow me to shed some insight "feelings have changed"I am interested in this other guy that I think is better she tells me she doesn't love me anymore and haven't done for a year or twoShe has been actively talking to this other guy for over a year or two and since the other guy's feelings are mutual, now she decides to come out. Fast forward another week and we talk again on the phone and she tells me she should have left me years ago Do you know why she didn't leave you before? Because she wasn't sure where did she stand with her new fling. blames me for everythingSince you didn't do anything wrong, she's trying to grasp for straws to justify her actions and lessen her guilty and convincing herself that she's doing the right thing. "more" from lifeShe wants more from life? Oh don't you worry Dobie the life is gonna hit her 10 fold in a couple of months / years, you just sit back and enjoy the fireworks. Dobie, you are seeing this as a tragedy but this incident is heaven sent, count your lucky stars, this girl just saved you lots of trouble, imagine her leaving you when you are married, have 3 kids and are living together with the house named after both of you, you would be paying lawyer fees and child support for the next 17 years. This girlfriend of yours is on a crash course, I say you jump from this train now, then later and be a part of this train wreck. Cut this one out permanently, remove her from everywhere, better yet block her from everywhere. Start taking time for yourself to clear your mind and once you are in a better state of mind and have your self esteem back, start making positive changes in your life and upgrade to a better life partner who appreciates the things you do and cherishes you. Can you honestly look at her and say "this is the girl, I want to spend the rest of my life with?" I am pretty sure the answer is "No". Time to get yourself back and wave this one out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 There has been no guy in her life for 1-2 years bro she had no friends just went to work came home we were together all the time . She is on dating sites as well now . But thanks for the advice Its more like this I have single gfs now ooo wow look at all these available men I can now be 21 again going out with my gfs and dating lots of dudes and hitting the bars/clubs plus all I have to think about is me now and as I'm selfish that's awesome . Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 SHE no longer dictates your life, you do. The past is the past, nothing you can do about that. the future is wrtten by you. If you want to keep harking back and looking at all the nasty things that happened, you will be stuck in the past, reliving all that stuff like forever re- reading an old book or watching a movie over and over and over again. It is time to make new memories. Take back the control of your life. Watch this: - "the trees are smashing the temples" - why we can't let go of the past 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted January 7, 2015 Author Share Posted January 7, 2015 10 days NC . First day in therapy yesterday , during said he wants to get to the bottom of my "rage" Asking me about my childhood , my mother lol Felt like saying dude I was fine till this happened do you expect me to not be angry ?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 There's a reason he is the therapist and you aren't. Go with the flow. Sometimes we believe we are "fine" and then one event unravels issues from the past that we buried. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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