When it rains it pours

[lana-banana]

This is a break up. Or for now, it is for certain a break. Usually separations come before a break up, and in any event I think it’s best to take a break or a breather before any final, certain decisions are made.

 

No it isn't. Venus, this is dreadful. If this man knew you were here writing fishing paragraphs about a guy who came up to you and said "I love babies" then he would be done. Don't even for a second try to pretend that you'd have any interest in dating him if he lived here when you have other options. You don't. I get that breaking up is hard and I'm proud of you for realizing this isn't what you want, but you have to show more compassion. After more than a year of dating, long distance or not, he deserves the dignity of knowing for sure that it's over and there's nothing he can do.

 

On another note, I met a guy through a mutual friend at lunch the other day. He came over to say hello to her and we had immediate attraction. This was the third time this week a man has asked me out. It started at the wedding last Sunday. I get asked out occasionally but not this often. I wonder if I’m putting out an available vibe. I want to be available. I want to date a man in my own city who wants the same things I do. He asked for my number and I gave it to him but told him I am ending a long distance relationship and I am not totally available right now for a full blown thing and would like some time to get through this, but I told him I would like to be available soon.

After talking for a short time, he volunteered the information that he wants kids really soon and he has focused on his career for so long he is ready to be a father now. Well, if that didn’t show me how glaringly obvious it was that my bf wanted something totally opposite, I saw there is a HUGE difference between “YES, ABSOLUTELY” and “we’ll see how it goes, if we are more financially stable”. I want a man (like the one I just met) who says, “I have my career and life under control and my next short term goal is to be a father.” Bingo! I couldn’t believe my ears. I guess this is what an “I’m ready” sounds like from a man. In any event, he has a lot of other attractive qualities too so I am looking forward to seeing more of him.

 

When it rains it pours, indeed...

 

’m not ready to get involved right now but in the near future I would like to be available to men who are very sure, very sure *like I am* of the things they want.

 

Are you not ready, though? If this man asked you on a date would you say no because you don't want to see him, or because you genuinely don't think you're ready? It is apparent to everyone here you are long past ready to settle down with a man, a kid and a picket fence. Are you just saying you aren't ready because you're afraid of how it will sound to us?

 

Mind you, this is separate from the emotional readiness required to be a good, faithful, communicative and supportive partner. I don't know where you are on that; only you know. But it's hard to imagine you don't consider yourself "ready" when you are so excited about Babies Upfront.

 

We even talked about living together for marriage (he was talking with my gf about his ex, who she also knew. I think I asked him if they lived together and he said he was strongly against living together before marriage, because he felt it was a cop out and skirting and postponing commitment. He said if you are living together you are actually cheating yourselves when you should wait until marriage to have all those benefits.

 

Is he religious? This language is almost word-for-word what they preach to youth in a very specific Christian denomination. I would be surprised if he wasn't.

 

Like I said, I am still dealing with tons of emotions and my current relationship is still in its final stages. I would say that now we are “separated”. I told him I can’t date him anymore unless we live in the same city. And I won’t be spending the night with him this weekend, so I am ending the romantic aspect of our relationship.

 

"Separated" is a quasi-legal status, not an emotional one. You don't get to be "separated" from a guy you never married or live with. It is over, and by not cutting the cord entirely you come off as entitled, anxious and indifferent to his feelings. Grow up.

 

As it turns out, my gf invited that guy to a dinner party that I had RSVP’d to. I didn’t know he was coming until she told me he RSVP’d too. I asked her if he knew I would be there and she said yes. So, I will have a chance to talk more to him tonight. I’m nervous, and I’m not ready to be dating someone else yet. But I have told my bf clearly that I can’t date him unless we live in same city, county, friggin region. And so that means (implied) that I am available to meet and date other men. I don’t want to mention other people, but if I’m not sleeping with him and we’re not committed to each other anymore, and we both have dropped our plans to move to each others’ city, I’m no longer his girlfriend, the way I see it.

 

Nothing is "implied". I have no idea what you told this poor man in Louisiana but he must be confused beyond belief. Why don't you tell him about this other guy? That would clear things up.

 

Have a heart, Venus. He deserves so much better than this.

 

Maybe we could still be friends.

 

I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess the chances he wants to be friends with a woman who dumped him the week before Christmas are near zero. Stop being selfish.

[clia]

He said now that I broke up with him why would he bother coming out to CA at all? I still reminded him that I would be interested in dating him IF he lived here. And he said he’s not sure if that can happen, who knows how long, etc.

 

Are you really interested in dating him, though? Because your past few posts keep raising all of the ways that you are incompatible and that he doesn't want the same things you want on the same timeframe you want it in. It seems pretty misleading to tell him you would date him if he picked up his entire life and moved to you, when that doesn't really seem to be how you feel deep down, given his financial issues, kids, annoying personality habits, job stability, etc. This breakup is not happening solely because of the distance.

 

He was upset that I told him I wouldn’t be spending the night with him up at his family’s house this weekend, as was the original plan. We agreed to meet privately and exchange gifts (my idea, he said he agreed).

 

Exchanging gifts? Why? I agree with other posters that you are already checked out. I get that you might want to see him one more time for closure, but the relationship seems done. I mean, you are pretty clearly wanting to date other men. And you'll accept gifts from your ex? Ugh.

[No_Go]

Gosh, I just hope that by 'gift exchange' you don't still expect ring (promise ring, whatever).

 

I find the whole situation with opening up to guys invites and not clean-cut break up but separation beyond cruel. Almost sounds like 'eh if he comes over with a ring, cool, else lets jump to the first guy dangling carrots (babies talk)'...

 

On the other note - I know how hard is to break up over the Holidays. I'm going through the same, and life just sucks. My virtual hugs - next year will be better. Much better!

Edited December 20, 2016 by No_Go

[introverted1]

 

As much as this is killing me and hurting me, I am very interested now in being open to meeting and dating men in my own city. It doesn’t mean I don’t still love him.

 

Venus, you can't seriously be saying that you love your (ex) bf but are willing to date new guys! That's unfair to both your ex and the new guys.

 

 

But I have told my bf clearly that I can’t date him unless we live in same city, county, friggin region. And so that means (implied) that I am available to meet and date other men. I don’t want to mention other people, but if I’m not sleeping with him and we’re not committed to each other anymore, and we both have dropped our plans to move to each others’ city, I’m no longer his girlfriend, the way I see it.

 

You need to TELL HIM THIS. Clearly and unambiguously.

 

Flip the roles for a moment, V. How would you feel if, as you were planning to move to LA, he announced his need for you to get there sooner, but was at the same time chatting up local women in the hopes of finding one whose goals more closely aligned with his? You would feel betrayed, no?

 

Break it off or keep working at it, but, whatever you, do it with transparency and honestly.

[anna121]

I can only second the posts that urge you to come clean. Not only for decency's sake but also to force you to own your decision. Beyond uncool to rely on implied understandings that, I promise, are evident only to you.

 

Clean break. With integrity. Surely you can do that much for the man?

[idoltree]

Hi Venus,

 

Just checking in on you.

 

Honestly, I'm not surprised. However, as everyone else says, if you do not want to be with NOLA man do not string him along. No "what ifs" and "maybes". It's not fair to him to put him in that place where you've been put before by other men. No maybe. Yes or no. If you felt any sort of caring for him then you owe him that much.

 

Also, I'm disappointed to see that you are getting sucked in by a man who says on your first meeting that he wants kids as soon as possible.

 

Venus, were you born yesterday? Have you learned anything from your almost 100 page thread? This guy is either:

 

• an over-sharer who pushes a false immediate intimacy (a VERY CLEAR sign of manipulation and emotional instability.), or
  
• he's someone who is interested in hitting that and knows the words that are gonna make the panties drop on an attractive woman in her 30s.
  

Proceed with caution with the new guy. The outlook is not great, but you're hedging your bets on some shallow words and not taking a look at the intention behind the action.

 

Even though you feel that you want to be with someone, every single one of your actions throughout your thread point to a person with major intimacy issues. You run from anything with potential and pour yourself in as soon as you meet someone where - if you look beyond their words, flirtations, and chemistry - are showing you they are not a good prospect.

 

Venus, I was like you in my 20s. I was only into guys who didn't want what I wanted, even though I truly believed that I was going after what I wanted.

 

But my actions betrayed me just like your actions betray you. You are still trying to stay safe and keep distance from intimacy. You are still going for shallow and feeling revulsion for good character. You are choosing to sabotage yourself. (I say that in general and not with specificity to any specific person.)

 

I know you feel like you're running out of time, but I would urge you to take a break and start taking a real solid look at your choices and why you are making them. There is more going on here than you'll admit to and I honestly fear you're going to sabotage the potential for your own happiness if you don't make a big change in healing yourself and understanding how you approach choosing partners so that you can do something different.

[TheWhittler]

Hi Venus.

 

I have been reading your thread and I have to say I am a bit confused.

 

I seem to be getting the impression that you want marriage and babies more than a decent man in your life?

 

One second you seem to be over the moon and the next you are going off them because another one asked you out...

 

Sorry I lost track quite some time ago and now I am very confused as to what the problem actually is and what you have done to rectify it.

[venusishername]

So ... if you knew you wanted to be with a family-minded local man, why did you choose to stay with a man who was neither of those things for so long?

Because we fell in love. I wanted to think we could close the distance. I wanted to give it a chance. After a year, things weren’t progressing, there were too many red flags and I couldn’t bring myself to move out of CA, and I wasn’t willing to wait indefinitely for him to move to CA.

Venus. You have clearly already checked out. Your bf moving or not moving isn't going to change that. Please do the decent thing and break up with him already. Do NOT dangle the "well if you moved here now then we could continue dating" carrot in front of him. This relationship is a lost cause and you know it - please do not be so selfish as to allow and even encourage your bf to uproot his life to move to be with you when you're already looking for other men.

I am sure that I was clear that the relationship was over. I told him that I can’t continue dating him, I can’t spend the night with him, I need to separate myself, he himself even used the words “broken up” so I think it is as clear as it can be. Not sure what else I need to say to be more clear. I said initially that I would be open to dating him IF and WHEN he moved to CA, but I can’t continue the relationship otherwise. As of yesterday, he said he had no reason to come to CA now. So it’s not as if I’m asking or expecting him to still move.

Or maybe you already have broken up properly. From your last post it isn't really clear. Meanwhile if this was a breakup I agree w Weezy1973's post. He dodged a bullet as much as you did. You avoided getting seriously invested with a guy who isn't responsible enough, and HE avoided getting invested with a woman who is so much on the marriage-and-babies train that she's gonna try to rope in the next dude who came along whether or not they know each other that well or not..

I don’t know what you consider “Breaking up properly”. Very rarely are breakups easy or black and white. There are a lot of emotions, even bargaining that goes on, denial, many times people drag it out unnecessarily… I mean, I did it in the best way I know how. I still feel like a terrible person for hurting him. But staying in this long distance limbo was hurting me as well.

And I think what you said is unfair, and untrue. I’m not trying to rope the next guy in without getting to know him because I’m so baby crazy.

I simply want to date men who are available who live in my same city and who want similar things as I do.

I realized if I stay in this part time relationship I will be closing myself off to those opportunities, and be waiting indefinitely for him to “maybe” move here in “6 months”. It just wasn’t good enough. Add that to the other issues, although he is a good man, it just doesn’t seem wise to drag it out any longer.

After more than a year of dating, long distance or not, he deserves the dignity of knowing for sure that it's over and there's nothing he can do.

Lana, I guess there’s a part of me that wishes there WAS something that he/I could do. I DO still love him. I guess what I meant to say, maybe it was to soften the blow of the breakup… was that I would date him if and when he lived here. I don’t mean that to be manipulative or dangle a carrot.

Are you not ready, though? If this man asked you on a date would you say no because you don't want to see him, or because you genuinely don't think you're ready? It is apparent to everyone here you are long past ready to settle down with a man, a kid and a picket fence. Are you just saying you aren't ready because you're afraid of how it will sound to us?

I’m ready. I just want to take it slow and not rush into a new relationship. He did ask me on a date and I would like to go out with him.

"Separated" is a quasi-legal status, not an emotional one. You don't get to be "separated" from a guy you never married or live with. It is over, and by not cutting the cord entirely you come off as entitled, anxious and indifferent to his feelings. Grow up.

You’re right. By cutting the cord do you mean no contact? I mean, he wants to talk, I think we have things we want/need to say. I wonder if it’s not a good idea to communicate either. He was the one that says he wants to be friends…

Nothing is "implied". I have no idea what you told this poor man in Louisiana but he must be confused beyond belief. Why don't you tell him about this other guy? That would clear things up.

Why would I add fuel to the fire? I don’t want to hurt him by mentioning anyone else. I suppose I could say “I want to be free to date other men” but I feel that is unnecessary to say since the relationship has ended.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess the chances he wants to be friends with a woman who dumped him the week before Christmas are near zero. Stop being selfish.

Yeah, I feel like a terrible person. I thought about waiting until after the holidays, but I didn’t feel it was appropriate to go forward with spending the night with him, bringing him to my family, going to his family, spending time with his kids…. I felt it was better to end it before we saw each other, rather than go through the whole weekend and holidays. I felt it would make it much harder than it already is. I couldn’t sleep with him again knowing I was going to end it.

He was the one who said he wants to keep in touch and be friends.

Are you really interested in dating him, though? Because your past few posts keep raising all of the ways that you are incompatible and that he doesn't want the same things you want on the same timeframe you want it in. It seems pretty misleading to tell him you would date him if he picked up his entire life and moved to you, when that doesn't really seem to be how you feel deep down, given his financial issues, kids, annoying personality habits, job stability, etc. This breakup is not happening solely because of the distance.

Exchanging gifts? Why? I agree with other posters that you are already checked out. I get that you might want to see him one more time for closure, but the relationship seems done. I mean, you are pretty clearly wanting to date other men. And you'll accept gifts from your ex? Ugh.

I’m not sure. But I agree that the breakup isn’t happening solely because of the distance. This is truly ripping me apart, guys.

Yes, recently I realized that I would like to date other men who live here and could be a better fit for me.

As far as the gifts. I had intended to see him and so I bought him a gift that he could use in CA. I asked him if he would want to meet in private, away from the family parties. He said he would like to do that and I mentioned my gift to him and he said he had one for me too.

Gosh, I just hope that by 'gift exchange' you don't still expect ring (promise ring, whatever).

I find the whole situation with opening up to guys invites and not clean-cut break up but separation beyond cruel. Almost sounds like 'eh if he comes over with a ring, cool, else lets jump to the first guy dangling carrots (babies talk)'...

On the other note - I know how hard is to break up over the Holidays. I'm going through the same, and life just sucks. My virtual hugs - next year will be better. Much better!

No, I don’t still expect a promise ring.

Venus, you can't seriously be saying that you love your (ex) bf but are willing to date new guys! That's unfair to both your ex and the new guys.

Flip the roles for a moment, V. How would you feel if, as you were planning to move to LA, he announced his need for you to get there sooner, but was at the same time chatting up local women in the hopes of finding one whose goals more closely aligned with his? You would feel betrayed, no?

Break it off or keep working at it, but, whatever you, do it with transparency and honestly.

I DO love him. I just don’t feel it is the right relationship for me anymore. At the least, because of the distance. That is too much of a factor.

Guys. He talked about moving to CA for over a year. I still don’t believe in my heart of hearts that he was actively trying to move out here anytime soon. I think he said it to appease me or keep things as status quo. He doesn’t know when his contract ends. That’s fine. So I asked him the other day, if he would be here by June then, because that’s more than 6 months from the start of the contract, he said he didn’t know. “Things change”. I mean, he wasn’t planning to move here in any specific timeframe, he was just talking about it sometime in the future.

But yes, if I knew he was interested in other women, I would feel betrayed. I understand. That’s why I don’t want to mention other men in the periphery, I don’t want to hurt him.

Clean break. With integrity. Surely you can do that much for the man?

What are the words, and actions that I need to say, that I haven’t already?

[introverted1]

Venus, you are all over the board. Please at least take some time and consider what you could have done differently (better) in this relationship and what changes you need to make for the future. This isn't a shot at you, it's something everyone should do when a relationship ends.

 

Now, when you say this:

 

I’m ready. I just want to take it slow and not rush into a new relationship. He did ask me on a date and I would like to go out with him.

 

<snip>

 

 

I DO love him.

 

You can't claim to be ready to date someone new AND that you love your ex-bf. It doesn't add up and it's not fair to anyone new you date.

[Imajerk17]

 

This is a break up. Or for now, it is for certain a break. Usually separations come before a break up, and in any event I think it’s best to take a break or a breather before any final, certain decisions are made. I feel like it is coming to an end. I think the events and emotions of last week (starting at the wedding) showed me that I’m no longer happy in the relationship, namely the circumstances of the relationship. It’s been very hard for me because I do love him a lot, and this is killing me and it’s heartbreaking. He didn’t do anything wrong and I really have wished this could work out. We have been talking and it is very painful but I am ready to move on here in my own city. I kind of still would like to keep the lines open and if he does come here, someday, after all, we could revisit possibly.

 

.....

 

 

Like I said, I am still dealing with tons of emotions and my current relationship is still in its final stages. I would say that now we are “separated”. I told him I can’t date him anymore unless we live in the same city. And I won’t be spending the night with him this weekend, so I am ending the romantic aspect of our relationship. We can still talk it out, I still think I would be willing to see if he does in fact make moves to come here. But now I don’t really see he will. I could be wrong, he may do it… someday.

I can see what you mean very clearly now. I can’t make him want what he doesn’t want. Even if he loves me. I also can’t change what is important to me and what I value. I understand if he doesn’t want to leave his hometown. In the end, even though his intentions have been good, maybe we just wanted different things.

 

As it turns out, my gf invited that guy to a dinner party that I had RSVP’d to. I didn’t know he was coming until she told me he RSVP’d too. I asked her if he knew I would be there and she said yes. So, I will have a chance to talk more to him tonight. I’m nervous, and I’m not ready to be dating someone else yet. But I have told my bf clearly that I can’t date him unless we live in same city, county, friggin region. And so that means (implied) that I am available to meet and date other men. I don’t want to mention other people, but if I’m not sleeping with him and we’re not committed to each other anymore, and we both have dropped our plans to move to each others’ city, I’m no longer his girlfriend, the way I see it.

 

....

 

You said on this page--right after everyone was getting on you--that it was a certain break-up. But you had originally said on the previous page (bolded above) that it was not. Which is it.

 

It does sound to me that a huge factor in you breaking up was getting asked out 3 times by guys in your area who professed wanting the same things you wanted. You went into so much detail over it. Most people when they break up with someone they are still in love with don't feel as ready to date as you seem to be.

 

That's the thing though, venus. You do need to do what is best for you, on the one hand. You are right to end this relationship for a variety of reasons. However, on the other hand, you can't just follow your emotions, because there is another person involved. You can't keep your ex around in a "separation" while you date other guys until you are weaned off him. THAT is selfish on your part, and is what you are getting reamed over.

Edited December 20, 2016 by Imajerk17

[venusishername]

Hi Venus,

Just checking in on you.

Honestly, I'm not surprised. However, as everyone else says, if you do not want to be with NOLA man do not string him along. No "what ifs" and "maybes". It's not fair to him to put him in that place where you've been put before by other men. No maybe. Yes or no. If you felt any sort of caring for him then you owe him that much.

Also, I'm disappointed to see that you are getting sucked in by a man who says on your first meeting that he wants kids as soon as possible.

Proceed with caution with the new guy. The outlook is not great, but you're hedging your bets on some shallow words and not taking a look at the intention behind the action.

Even though you feel that you want to be with someone, every single one of your actions throughout your thread point to a person with major intimacy issues. You run from anything with potential and pour yourself in as soon as you meet someone where - if you look beyond their words, flirtations, and chemistry - are showing you they are not a good prospect.

Venus, I was like you in my 20s. I was only into guys who didn't want what I wanted, even though I truly believed that I was going after what I wanted.

But my actions betrayed me just like your actions betray you. You are still trying to stay safe and keep distance from intimacy. You are still going for shallow and feeling revulsion for good character. You are choosing to sabotage yourself. (I say that in general and not with specificity to any specific person.)

I know you feel like you're running out of time, but I would urge you to take a break and start taking a real solid look at your choices and why you are making them. There is more going on here than you'll admit to and I honestly fear you're going to sabotage the potential for your own happiness if you don't make a big change in healing yourself and understanding how you approach choosing partners so that you can do something different.

Idoltree, I'm glad you're back. I was hoping to hear from you.

Are you saying that I'm running away from something with potential now, and sabotaging my own happiness by ending my long distance relationship?

I feel that STAYING in a LDR would be the furthest thing from intimacy, and is the opposite of what I want. I want a real, lasting, committed relationship and to create a family and life together. A long distance relationship can’t continue indefinitely and still be those things. Does that make sense? So I feel that since I want those things, I can’t have a part time, long distance relationship. It goes against everything I want, actually. I guess I realized that lately.

And by the way, I know that a man saying he wants kids isn’t enough to make it a good fit or even a good prospect. But I do know this, that I want to be with a man who is SURE that he wants kids and isn’t afraid to come right out and say it either. I think in the context of that conversation, he wasn’t trying to say it to get in my pants or be manipulative, etc. I think he genuinely does. I’m not getting sucked in with his words. I would like to date him though.

I know I need to make sure there is closure. I talked to him today and he seems to be accepting and in agreement with me that the relationship wouldn’t work….

I brought up the kid issue again. I told him that I think there are other factors beyond the distance that would prevent this from working out. I said I want my own kids, and he has grown kids and doesn’t really want more, is that right? And he said he thinks I should go find someone who wants that and will commit to me completely because I am a lovely woman and I should go after what I want. He isn’t saying that he wants the same things I do. He’s saying he can’t give me what I am looking for. I hope I am understanding him correctly.

We just had a heated conversation. I feel terribly that this all happened now, before Christmas. I hate to think I am hurting him. I’m hurting too.

I want to be very sure that I’m not misunderstanding him. I asked him again, did you plan to move to CA in a specific timeframe? He gets really angry that I keep talking about that. He already told me he can’t commit to a specific date. I told him that if he had given me a specific timeframe in the near future, I would have wanted to wait and see. But I was very clear, just this morning… that if he wasn’t willing to close the distance for an indefinite period of time… then I am not willing to wait and that I would like to be available to other men now.

[Redhead14]

And he said he thinks I should go find someone who wants that and will commit to me completely -- Whenever he said this . . . was your queue to move on.

[lana-banana]

I noticed you missed my question about whether Babies Upfront is religious. And when's your date?

 

As much as I support disclosing potential dealbreakers early on, I agree it seems strange to bring that up in your very first conversation. It could be manipulative, it could be a pickup line, but either way it seems...socially inappropriate?

[venusishername]

You can't claim to be ready to date someone new AND that you love your ex-bf. It doesn't add up and it's not fair to anyone new you date.

Well, I think it is reasonable to still have loving feelings (not in love) and be “ready” to date others.

You said on this page--right after everyone was getting on you--that it was a certain break-up. But you had originally said on the previous page (bolded above) that it was not. Which is it.

 

It does sound to me that a huge factor in you breaking up was getting asked out 3 times by guys in your area who professed wanting the same things you wanted. You went into so much detail over it. Most people when they break up with someone they are still in love with don't feel as ready to date as you seem to be.

That's the thing though, venus. You do need to do what is best for you, on the one hand. You are right to end this relationship for a variety of reasons. However, on the other hand, you can't just follow your emotions, because there is another person involved. You can't keep your ex around in a "separation" while you date other guys until you are weaned off him. THAT is selfish on your part, and is what you are getting reamed over.

I promise you that I’m not going to date other guys and still lead him on. I wouldn’t. Of course that would be selfish and unfair. I had a talk with him this morning and we will plan to talk more and I wanted to be clear with him that I didn’t want to lead him on.

I think at first (last week) I did not come to a clear and final decision. So I stuck one toe in by saying it’s a “Separation”- but like Lana said that’s BS and it’s all or nothing. She’s right. I didn’t want to make an extreme decision but as the days and events have gone on, it has become clear that it needs to be all or nothing break up.

Yes, being asked out three times in one week and the fact that I found myself attracted to and interested in other men was a very big factor for me and caused me to finally have the nerve to speak up and say I couldn’t continue the long distance for an indefinite period of time. It put me over the edge, and I was already on the fence.

I knew over the past month or so that my butterflies were gone, that I was unhappy. Of course I still have very strong feelings for him. I do still love him. So I guess I’m not really totally ready to date others, but I would like to be. I think it will take some time.

The new man in the periphery is not the issue, and not the reason why. Sometimes, and has been my experience in the past… when you are on the fence about continuing a relationship, sometimes it takes someone else to make you see it.

[introverted1]

Venus, you're still doing it. From your latest post, look at how you've contradicted yourself!

 

Well, I think it is reasonable to still have loving feelings (not in love) and be “ready” to date others.

.

.

.

.

.

I’m not really totally ready to date others

 

All I'm saying, V, is that you need to do the hard work of introspecting and figuring out why your relationship didn't work. It's too facile to say it's because you wanted different things. While that's true and no doubt a large part of the issue, it's also been apparent for quite some time that you two weren't a match. You can't become a better partner until you own and understand your part of why your relationship failed. Jumping in to the next "best thing" without doing that internal work first is a recipe for failure.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. I think you should spend the holidays with your family and take time to be relax and reflect.

[losangelena]

If I were any of the dudes who asked you out in the last week, I'd see it as a huge red flag that you'd potentially be jumping into a relationship with me after having gone through a year-long LDR with a messy and protracted ending.

 

Venus, do yourself and all the penis-having folk around you a solid and just stay single for a while.

[anna121]

 

What are the words, and actions that I need to say, that I haven’t already?

 

Hi Venus,

 

This was your response to my strong suggestion that you end things "with integrity".

 

With respect to what you can say, I would take the opposite view and focus on what you should not say. Ie.,

 

1. don't ask him if he was planning to move to CA within a specific time frame - it's not happening so who cares?

2. don't tell him that you still love him (it would be fine to say you still care for him, but telling him the former only prolongs his attachment)

3. don't leave any doors open to getting together "if xyz..." If something does happen in the future, and you are both available, great. Until that moment, it doesn't really bear discussion.

4. generally, try not to get into "heated" discussions. you've made your decision and there is no point assigning blame or looking back on who said what, where, why etc.

 

Hopefully this gives you some idea of what i meant.

[Weezy1973]

Break ups suck Venus. They really do. I always found that being the person doing the breaking up was so much harder than being broken up with. So tough. You will come out stronger for it.

 

I also agree with the posters that are suggesting taking a break for awhile. This is a great learning experience, so take some time to reflect on what happened here, and your part in it.

 

Also start to really evaluate your own core values; what type of person you are and want to be. What kind of partner do you want to be? What kind of parent? How do you want to deal with conflict?

 

And just a note, finding other people attractive when you're already in a relationship is not a sign that something is wrong with the relationship. It's just a sign that you're, you know, human and alive. When you're in a relationship you're supposed to remove yourself from those situations and not feed that attraction...this will still happen when you're married...

[venusishername]

And he said he thinks I should go find someone who wants that and will commit to me completely -- Whenever he said this . . . was your queue to move on.

This just happened this morning. I’m not sure if he said it out of anger and frustration or if he truly means it.

It’s not true that I want marriage and babies more than I want a relationship with a good man. I want a good man who also wants marriage and children, and is willing and capable of doing that.

I noticed you missed my question about whether Babies Upfront is religious. And when's your date?

As much as I support disclosing potential dealbreakers early on, I agree it seems strange to bring that up in your very first conversation. It could be manipulative, it could be a pickup line, but either way it seems...socially inappropriate?

Lana, I don’t want to talk about this other guy. I don’t have a set date with him. He asked me if I would be interested in happy hour sometime. I saw him at the dinner last night and we spent more time talking. I’m very attracted to him.

I don’t know if he’s religious. Do men who want kids and don’t want to live together before marriage have to be religious? I’m an atheist. I want kids and I don’t agree with living together before marriage. What does religion have to do with it? Nothing.

To be honest, the fact that he said that is seriously the least of my worries right now.

I think what he was saying, in that context of the conversation, is that he has been focusing on his career for so long that he is ready to have children in the near future. I don’t see anything loaded or socially inappropriate about that.

Venus, you're still doing it. From your latest post, look at how you've contradicted yourself!

All I'm saying, V, is that you need to do the hard work of introspecting and figuring out why your relationship didn't work. It's too facile to say it's because you wanted different things. While that's true and no doubt a large part of the issue, it's also been apparent for quite some time that you two weren't a match. You can't become a better partner until you own and understand your part of why your relationship failed. Jumping in to the next "best thing" without doing that internal work first is a recipe for failure.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I think you should spend the holidays with your family and take time to be relax and reflect.

Thank you. It has been a terrible week.

Ok. I see what you mean about contradicting. Here’s what I meant. I WANT to be ready, but I know that I may not be totally ready just yet. Saying “I’m ready” and actually really being ready are not the same.

What I feel I did wrong was that I didn’t listen to him when he told me he was in no hurry or interest to commit. Hence the “two year engagement” he mentioned once. I thought I could change his mind, or that, well, like someone said, I think it was you, Introverted, that maybe I thought if he loved me enough, he would want the same things I do. I see that believing if the distance were closed we would be then be compatible was a mistake. I just hoped it would solve all the issues. But I think after this last visit, I must have realized that even if he did move here, eventually, subconsciously maybe, that wouldn’t change the underlying issues/concerns/differences. I held on to a lot of hope, now I can see I was clinging. I wanted to believe we wanted the same things. I know that it isn’t right to rush but I feel the long distance had stacked our odds against us no matter what. It prevented the relationship from ever progressing in a natural way, it wasn’t healthy. Although we had love between us of course, and I still do have feelings of love for him… it wasn’t enough.

I also see that of course I need some time before another serious relationship. My intention isn’t to “rope in the next guy I see” so I can have babies. I see the importance of determining compatibility first before being motivated to marry someone. I put the cart before the horse, I have my desires and my clock is ticking. I don’t think he did anything wrong, I just truly believe that he was skirting a real commitment, not because he didn’t/doesn’t love me but because it’s not a priority to him, I feel. He is a man who never married the mother of the child (twice) and to be honest, that has always bothered me. I wondered if he would do the same with me.

I asked him today if he agreed and how he feels about it, what is it that he wants. Does he agree with the break up? Last week when I told him that I wouldn’t date him unless we lived in the same city, I kind of thought he would try and fight for the relationship. He didn’t. He has seemed to resign. He told me in response to my question that he thinks it is best that we separate. That was this morning.

I can see that he has also known, maybe subconsciously that 1) he never intended to move here; 2) he was dragging his feet to commit; 3) we didn’t see eye to eye on some things, for example long term goals and lifestyle choices; and 4) he may have realized that he can’t give me what I want and need.

When he told me today that I should find someone who is able to give me those things (child of my own), and who can fully commit to me… I thought for a second that he said that because he was angry or hurt. I want to take it as face value. I did think he could be that person.

[Redhead14]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Redhead14

And he said he thinks I should go find someone who wants that and will commit to me completely -- Whenever he said this . . . was your queue to move on

 

This just happened this morning. I’m not sure if he said it out of anger and frustration or if he truly means it..

 

That is not a "heat of the moment" statement. It is a very clear, direct, thought out statement that encompassed the heart(s) of the issue -- you want children and a commitment. He's been hearing you and he is not prepared to do that. If he's feeling anger and frustration it's because he's being asked to do something he really doesn't want to do, otherwise, he would say "I want kids too and let's get married by Xdate or (something more concrete)". Yeah, people say dumb things when they are angry but most of the time "there's truth" in those words.

 

We see it all the time, a woman will come on here and say "OMG, I just broke up with my BF. I didn't mean it, I was angry". Yeah, she was angry because she's been pushing things down about the relationship for a while and couldn't deal with the reality. Anger is often just truth that's been squashed until it can't be contained anymore. He knows what you want and can't/doesn't want to give it to you or else he wouldn't be angry or frustrated. He'd be more proactive and demonstrative. The circumstances have prevented this relationship from developing in a natural, real world, hands on, experiential, connected way that allowed free-flowing communication and consistent observation/interaction. I truly understand the hesitation from both of you. There should be hesitation.

 

In your case, it's moot, because you've decided to move on and, it's for the best.

 

I wish you all the best in your journey and I hope you can put some of this aside for the holidays and enjoy family and friends. They are the ones you can and should count on and be focused on for a little while at least not to mention YOU.

[Sometymeswhy]

Venus, so sorry you're having a tough time. But on the plus side it must be a tremendous relief to now understand where this man's head is at now and where it probably was all along. You are ending it on your terms which is the best possible outcome for you.

 

He had the opportunity to spend more time with you over Christmas and did not. So the fact that you're breaking up at this time is unfortunate but so be it. He turned out to be the wrong man for you and your head knew it and your heart will catch up with time.

 

Meanwhile, your red flag radar is fully operational and firing on all cylinders after this experience. Use it thoughtfully with these new guys entering your life.

[No_Go]

 

That is not a "heat of the moment" statement. It is a very clear, direct, thought out statement that encompassed the heart(s) of the issue -- you want children and a commitment. He's been hearing you and he is not prepared to do that. If he's feeling anger and frustration it's because he's being asked to do something he really doesn't want to do, otherwise, he would say "I want kids too and let's get married by Xdate or (something more concrete)". Yeah, people say dumb things when they are angry but most of the time "there's truth" in those words.

 

We see it all the time, a woman will come on here and say "OMG, I just broke up with my BF. I didn't mean it, I was angry". Yeah, she was angry because she's been pushing things down about the relationship for a while and couldn't deal with the reality. Anger is often just truth that's been squashed until it can't be contained anymore. He knows what you want and can't/doesn't want to give it to you or else he wouldn't be angry or frustrated. He'd be more proactive and demonstrative. The circumstances have prevented this relationship from developing in a natural, real world, hands on, experiential, connected way that allowed free-flowing communication and consistent observation/interaction. I truly understand the hesitation from both of you. There should be hesitation.

 

 

Very true... I experienced the 'anger break up' with my last bf, truth was the financial planning and religious differences were building a wall between us. As with Venus' case, he agreed is the best to separate almost immediately (I believed he'd oppose).

 

These breakups, where the attraction and/or friendship is still very much there, are so painful I'm actually glad to see V. is able to move on, it takes strength to do so. Hope to be there some day;(

[NuevoYorko]

Saying “I’m ready” and actually really being ready are not the same.

 

This is an example (one of hundreds) of a big problem. I don't believe you can have any kind of adult relationship until you reach a point when what you say IS the same thing as what you mean. You spend about half of your words contradicting yourself like this, or denying you said, or meant something, or backtracking from something you said.

 

Clearly this breakup is for the best for both of you. I truly hope that you will handle it with honesty and some self discipline. Treat this man with some respect, he deserves it. I know it's painful, especially during the holidays. Then, take some time to work on some of your own stuff; for example, clear communication, emotional boundaries, clarity, accountability, self actualization.

[MidwestUSA]

How does one have a 'separation' from something that never was?

 

Over a year trying to close the gap, and you're offering him a separation? What?

 

Break it off cleanly and completely. And I hope to God he's in a pub somewhere with friends who are laughing their asses off.

 

You've been beyond cruel and selfish.

[Sometymeswhy]

How does one have a 'separation' from something that never was?

 

Over a year trying to close the gap, and you're offering him a separation? What?

 

Break it off cleanly and completely. And I hope to God he's in a pub somewhere with friends who are laughing their asses off.

 

You've been beyond cruel and selfish.

 

Aww, cut Venus some slack. She loves him and wanted to give him once last chance to fight for her and he didn't.

He told her to find someone willing to fully commit since clearly he is not. She wants a husband and children and he has equivocated on that regard and has no sense of urgency on living in the same state much less the same county. How is it cruel to break up over that. It was long distance relationship that was going to stay that way. Continuing to stay unhappy is cruel. He will have to move on like everyone does when a relationship is unworkable. It is not selfish to want a normal relationship and work towards starting a family of your own.