Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[velvette]

I must admit that all we have is experience and I usually do not comment on something unless I have experience and can relate to the situation. We have lived it, we are successful. We have not done it by the text book, but, we are here and happier than ever. Some of the advice here is unbelievable. Have you ever experienced adultery? Those who have not have no clue.

 

Same question for you as I asked your wife. What is it that you think VBM and his wife should be doing that they are not doing?

[JohnAdams]

Same question for you as I asked your wife. What is it that you think VBM and his wife should be doing that they are not doing?

 

If VBM is happy that is all that counts. He says he is satisfied with what Ann is doing, so, all of the rest of us are really just debating moot points.

[S2B]

Actually, the best thing that could happen for Mr. & Mrs. VBM is for her to have a giant pity party for herself preferably in the context of a caring relationship with her therapist.

 

 

She should feel sorry for herself. She experienced something horrific through no fault of her own. It damaged her and robbed her of things only she can define.

 

 

Accepting that and feeling sorrow over it rather than shame and disgust with herself or feeling that she is somehow to blame for what happened to her is the first step in healing and learning she can live with that hurt in healthy ways without damaging herself and others by self medicating with aberrant behavior.

 

 

Its also a powerful step in feeling empathy for the hurt she has inflicted on VBM.

 

 

Hard to have empathy for someone else when you have none for yourself.

 

 

VBM should hope to see that, encourage it and understand if its not present her therapy is not working.

 

 

I disagree. The BEST thing is she could do is to take some of HER power back by pressing formal charges against her abuser...then following through with it until she feels she has some control over the result of what he did to her (and probably many others). I'd find out if he's still alive and have him charged with rape.

 

That would help her to move forward and be contrary action to having been his victim all these years.

 

And I hope she will.

[velvette]

I disagree. The BEST thing is she could do is to take some of HER power back by pressing formal charges against her abuser...then following through with it until she feels she has some control over the result of what he did to her (and probably many others). I'd find out if he's still alive and have him charged with rape.

 

That would help her to move forward and be contrary action to having been his victim all these years.

 

And I hope she will.

 

 

Sadly, that is unlikely to be possible given the statute of limitations in most states. Even if she lives in a state where the statue has been redefined to start running when she realizes as an adult that a crime was committed against her, she will be hard pressed to prove that she just realized that.

[undercover_lover]

What exactly do you disagree with?

 

 

That is exactly how the therapeutic process works if the psychiatrist knows what they are doing.

 

 

What exactly is it that you think VBM and his wife should be doing that they are not?

 

 

I've lived almost ten years in successful reconciliation with a H who was abusing me and serially cheating. He was also raped as a child. I was also raped as a young adult. So, you are the only one claiming expertise either mine or yours. All I claim is experience that is almost identical to VBM's and success at working through it. Any other "expertise" I present, is the expertise of professionals and the combined experience of people in similar situations.

 

 

Not everyone who is abused has the same experience or is affected exactly the same way. Some people turn their pain inwards and hurt only themselves. Some just live in denial forever.

 

 

There is no need for you to invalidate other peoples experiences simply because they differ from yours.

 

 

 

I don't take what mrs ja has said as invalidating. She is sharing her experience with the subject just as you are.

[velvette]

I don't take what mrs ja has said as invalidating. She is sharing her experience with the subject just as you are.

 

Mrs JA is the one saying that people who have been abused should react to abuse as she has. She does not allow that some people are crippled by trauma. So yes she is invalidating the experience of people who are not or have not yet been able to overcome trauma that has happened to them in the way that she feels she has (which by the way we don't know if that's true or not).

 

 

People deal with trauma differently. Based on who they were before the trauma, whether or not there was other trauma before that and a whole host of factors.

 

 

Its been explained here before in the context of PTSD experienced by combat soldiers. One is not phased by combat and it all rolls off his back and the next is crippled by PTSD and goes home to rage and abuse his wife and freak out all over the place.

 

 

Both experiences are valid. The one experiencing PSTD is not helped by the one who is not just saying pull yourself up by your bootstraps. If they were able to do that they wouldn't be experiencing PTSD in the first place.

[66Charger]

I really dont understand the CSA threadjack. Or the statement that "if VBM is happy.....

 

VBM has stated that he doesnt want to have sex with his wife. He doesnt want her to touch him. No passion. Etc

 

Thats not good and it certainly isnt happy. If that continues this marriage is over. No matter what he says now. One of the 2 will pull the trigger.

 

Why? Something died inside of this man. At first he was broken. Now the broken part is separating. He doesnt even really want it.

[S2B]

Sadly, that is unlikely to be possible given the statute of limitations in most states. Even if she lives in a state where the statue has been redefined to start running when she realizes as an adult that a crime was committed against her, she will be hard pressed to prove that she just realized that.

 

Whatever state they are in; or the crime occurred, it's worth taking the action to explore if it's possible.

 

Doing nothing usually keeps the victim in fear.

 

Until we have evidence it's not possible in that state I hope she goes after it with vengeance.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am not saying I have all the answers...I am not saying one size fits all. I am not saying I have done everything right......and others are wrong.

 

If vbm is satisfied with his relationship with ann...if he feels she is doing everything right....if he is nearly whole.....then nothing any of us has to say matters.

 

What I think...what you think...is totally irrelevant. They only have to answer to each other.

[autumnnight]

Whatever state they are in; or the crime occurred, it's worth taking the action to explore if it's possible.

 

Doing nothing usually keeps the victim in fear.

 

Until we have evidence it's not possible in that state I hope she goes after it with vengeance.

 

You may not have been following, but the abuse happened up until she was a about 15....they have been married now over 31 years.

 

No state in the country has a statute of limitations that long. It's over.

 

An abuse victim usually has to grieve. However, and I say this as a survivor AND as someone who has studied extensively, one of the WORST things a CSA victim can do is be given the opportunity to allow that abuse to define them and become the catch-all explanation for their every dysfunction. What they basically does is make them powerless and at the mercy of the past. So no, centering everything in her adult life on the CSA is NOT helpful or healing or even validly therapeutic.

 

The best way for a victim to stop being a victim is to take responsibility for their choices.

[understand50]

I am not saying I have all the answers...I am not saying one size fits all. I am not saying I have done everything right......and others are wrong.

 

If vbm is satisfied with his relationship with ann...if he feels she is doing everything right....if he is nearly whole.....then nothing any of us has to say matters.

 

What I think...what you think...is totally irrelevant. They only have to answer to each other.

 

All,

 

In the past what VBM has asked for help on is how to deal with the triggers and the hurt and pain from his wife cheating. I have always stated that time will go along way to dull the pain, and that you can remind yourself when you trigger that that is just what it is, and a then look to see if you wife is being the faithful, loving wife you want. The Adams, have gone trough this, and Abigail giving their break trough on really knowing the pain and hurt she caused John, and then owning that may be helpful here. Myself, I did handle "triggers" well but, in my case, had them come back to some extent, during the second crisis in our marriage. That is the problem, when other things or stress happens in a marriage, it can bobble up to the top. I then have to remind myself that we have dealt with the cheating, and not rehash it again.

 

My own opinion is, that Ann is doing what she needs to do, but one can always do better. VBM, is processing that affair, and has forgiven her, but is dealing with the "not forgetting". He has and does ask for advice on that aspect. Mrs JA is right to some extent in that Ann will have to own the pain and hurt caused, and while she is owning what she did, it may take some time to realize just how bad her actions were. I do not think that this is a failing on her part, but as she moves on with therapy, I think it will come home to her. At this time she has some idea, but I do not think any WS really knows the "hell" of the BS.

 

In most cases, the WS would like everyone to just move on, and that is the rub. You never "move on", you just learn to deal better, until the pain is dulled by time and the positive actions of your spouse. This is the same whether you break up and divorce, or stay together. In VBM case he has decided that staying and dealing with the affair is better then divorce, and having that add to the rest of the hurt and pain. He also does not want to bring any pain upon the rest of his family, and I can applaud that mind set. This is not a irrational response.

 

I hope they both can stay together and have a good loving relationship going forward. From what VBM has written, I think the odds are low that Ann will ever cheat again, or that VBM will. They have a past and a good future ahead of them, and I hope VBM can regain what he is looking for. It will not happen overnight, but will be regained a little each day with Ann's help.

 

I wish them both luck and peace of mind.

Edited August 27, 2015 by understand50

[VeryBrokenMan]

My wife saw the neurologist today, he did an exam, asked some questions and ordered an MRI which is scheduled for tomorrow. Had nothing to really share but said he had spoken with her psychiatrist. He asked a lot of questions about her recent behavior, etc.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I really dont understand the CSA threadjack. Or the statement that "if VBM is happy.....

 

VBM has stated that he doesnt want to have sex with his wife. He doesnt want her to touch him. No passion. Etc

 

Thats not good and it certainly isnt happy. If that continues this marriage is over. No matter what he says now. One of the 2 will pull the trigger.

 

Why? Something died inside of this man. At first he was broken. Now the broken part is separating. He doesnt even really want it.

 

The lack of emotion is a defense mechanism that will fade given time according to my IC.

[CarrieT]

The lack of emotion is a defense mechanism that will fade given time according to my IC.

 

I disagree to some extent. You currently have a lack of emotion towards your wife. But the desire for some emotion towards someone may return and - at that time - you may decide that it is not towards your wife. Or you may have those desires but decide that your wife is no longer deserving of your affection and you wish to bond with someone else.

 

I don't believe the IC should place a judgment that the defense mechanism will fade, if he/she was indicating the feelings would return for your wife when it may not be the case.

[Morro72]

...ordered an MRI which is scheduled for tomorrow...

Hope she's not claustrophobic!

 

Good luck with the MRI. Whatever happens, you're both one step closer to getting some answers.

[66Charger]

When a boob flash is equivalent to the 9 ocklock news, that isnt a defense mechanism, thats a BIG problem.

Edited August 28, 2015 by 66Charger

[VeryBrokenMan]

The weekend was terrible, I think I slept about two hours. I've been fearing the worst thinking about brain tumors for some reason but convinced myself that was just where I'm at right now.

 

Yesterday we met with the my wife's neurologist and later her psychiatrist. After looking at the MRI's the neurologist has diagnosed my wife with frontotemporal dementia (FLD). I'd never heard of frontotemporal dementia prior to yesterday but I've learned a lot in a few hours. It strikes between age 40 and 60 and patients lose the ability to feel empathy, make inappropriate choices, lose their inhibitions, etc. It's a horrible process because it only gets worse and the prognosis is poor. There is no cure.

 

He has referred us to two other neurologists but feels like the MRI is so clear cut that his diagnosis is sound. He said many times the MRI will not confirm the diagnosis but in this case the physical changes in the brain are obvious. The diagnosis actually explains a lot of things the past few years not just the affair. She has had some physical symptoms that we just brushed off as getting older that also confirms the diagnosis.

 

Her psychiatrist told us he suspected it almost immediately after our first couple of meetings. Yesterday he referred us to a new therapist that specializes in FLD to help us navigate the coming years. He feels like her CSA is not a factor and does not need treatment because in a nutshell there is nothing he can do due to the FLD. The psychiatrist told me privately I needed to shift gears dramatically and realize and accept that the affair was not a choice my wife made but the inability to comprehend the choice she made. And he said that she probably did not feel any regret or empathy for me at the time and may still not. Her cognitive abilities including empathy, decision making and behavior will cycle up and down but gradually get worse over time.

 

So it looks like I've been in the wrong forum all this time. I really don't have any words to describe what a tragedy this last year has been for both of us. I appreciate all the support I've gotten here. I've leaned so much about people and relationships from all of you. I wish you all well and hope each of you finds not only peace in your life but true happiness.

[qubist]

The weekend was terrible, I think I slept about two hours. I've been fearing the worst thinking about brain tumors for some reason but convinced myself that was just where I'm at right now.

 

Yesterday we met with the my wife's neurologist and later her psychiatrist. After looking at the MRI's the neurologist has diagnosed my wife with frontotemporal dementia (FLD). I'd never heard of frontotemporal dementia prior to yesterday but I've learned a lot in a few hours. It strikes between age 40 and 60 and patients lose the ability to feel empathy, make inappropriate choices, lose their inhibitions, etc. It's a horrible process because it only gets worse and the prognosis is poor. There is no cure.

 

He has referred us to two other neurologists but feels like the MRI is so clear cut that his diagnosis is sound. He said many times the MRI will not confirm the diagnosis but in this case the physical changes in the brain are obvious. The diagnosis actually explains a lot of things the past few years not just the affair. She has had some physical symptoms that we just brushed off as getting older that also confirms the diagnosis.

 

Her psychiatrist told us he suspected it almost immediately after our first couple of meetings. Yesterday he referred us to a new therapist that specializes in FLD to help us navigate the coming years. He feels like her CSA is not a factor and does not need treatment because in a nutshell there is nothing he can do due to the FLD. The psychiatrist told me privately I needed to shift gears dramatically and realize and accept that the affair was not a choice my wife made but the inability to comprehend the choice she made. And he said that she probably did not feel any regret or empathy for me at the time and may still not. Her cognitive abilities including empathy, decision making and behavior will cycle up and down but gradually get worse over time.

 

So it looks like I've been in the wrong forum all this time. I really don't have any words to describe what a tragedy this last year has been for both of us. I appreciate all the support I've gotten here. I've leaned so much about people and relationships from all of you. I wish you all well and hope each of you finds not only peace in your life but true happiness.

VBM I'm so sorry, my heart goes for you and your family, I have absolutely nothing to say other to wish you good luck, hang strong my friend, you have shown lot of courage and strength but you are also a human, please do not forget about your self and make sure that you get the help you may need to keep going.

[understand50]

The weekend was terrible, I think I slept about two hours. I've been fearing the worst thinking about brain tumors for some reason but convinced myself that was just where I'm at right now.

 

Yesterday we met with the my wife's neurologist and later her psychiatrist. After looking at the MRI's the neurologist has diagnosed my wife with frontotemporal dementia (FLD). I'd never heard of frontotemporal dementia prior to yesterday but I've learned a lot in a few hours. It strikes between age 40 and 60 and patients lose the ability to feel empathy, make inappropriate choices, lose their inhibitions, etc. It's a horrible process because it only gets worse and the prognosis is poor. There is no cure.

 

He has referred us to two other neurologists but feels like the MRI is so clear cut that his diagnosis is sound. He said many times the MRI will not confirm the diagnosis but in this case the physical changes in the brain are obvious. The diagnosis actually explains a lot of things the past few years not just the affair. She has had some physical symptoms that we just brushed off as getting older that also confirms the diagnosis.

 

Her psychiatrist told us he suspected it almost immediately after our first couple of meetings. Yesterday he referred us to a new therapist that specializes in FLD to help us navigate the coming years. He feels like her CSA is not a factor and does not need treatment because in a nutshell there is nothing he can do due to the FLD. The psychiatrist told me privately I needed to shift gears dramatically and realize and accept that the affair was not a choice my wife made but the inability to comprehend the choice she made. And he said that she probably did not feel any regret or empathy for me at the time and may still not. Her cognitive abilities including empathy, decision making and behavior will cycle up and down but gradually get worse over time.

 

So it looks like I've been in the wrong forum all this time. I really don't have any words to describe what a tragedy this last year has been for both of us. I appreciate all the support I've gotten here. I've leaned so much about people and relationships from all of you. I wish you all well and hope each of you finds not only peace in your life but true happiness.

 

VBM,

 

I just read up on frontotemporal dementia (FLD). Oh god this is not good. What a nightmare, any thing I could say would not be worthy to your situation, to what you and she is going, and will go through.

 

I am truly sorry for you and Ann, and I pray for you both.

 

You have some time to be together, before this takes her mind, before the woman you love and know is gone. All I can say is make the most of it. Your compassion and love for her has been the one thing that stands out in this thread.

 

As always I wish only the best for you and Ann.

[DIFM]

My heart goes out to you and the strength you will need and the challenges you will face.

 

On a very much less important note, your story might serve as a trigger to those that are quick to offer expert analysis, knowing well that one never really knows all that is important to know. Perhaps it will cause some to refrain from conclusion jumping and "if you don't see it you are blind" style of analysis.....but I don't think it will.

 

All the best to you and your journey.

[81West]

VMB, I'm so sorry. In a way, you've just shifted one long term pain for a different one. I wanted to recommend two books by a doctor named Norman Doidge. He is a great proponent of cutting edge ideas about neuroplasticity and the ability of the brain to heal itself, and for these kinds of illnesses to be slowed or even effectively halted in some cases. The approaches are often very accessible to anyone, and although he covers a broad range of brain injury and illness I think all of the work and stories might be inspiring and hopeful to both you and your wife. If you're interested look up his name on Amazon. The precise titles slip my mind at the moment but will be obvious on a search.

[SpokenFor]

Hey VBM,

 

Nothing I can say can even remotely help you here. You have been a great husband and friend to your wife and you must be in enormous pain. I admire how you have handled yourself throughout this, and I am so sorry to see you in this situation. Your path ahead includes burdens that can break some, and you have my thoughts and prayers that you will get through it and that it will not be as bad as it might.

 

If there is anything you want to talk about with us, please post. If not, I will certainly understand.

[Morro72]

I'm so sorry that this is where you and your wife have found yourselves. You have shown unbelievable strength through this ordeal and will need even more in the future but everything you have written tells me that you will have it when you need it.

[drifter777]

I am so sorry for both of you. You are going to need a lot of strength - and help - to care for her over the coming years. All my best wishes and prayers go out to you both in your time of need. Get you own IC - you're going to need it more than ever now.

[turnera]

My heart goes out to you and the strength you will need and the challenges you will face.

 

On a very much less important note, your story might serve as a trigger to those that are quick to offer expert analysis, knowing well that one never really knows all that is important to know. Perhaps it will cause some to refrain from conclusion jumping and "if you don't see it you are blind" style of analysis.....but I don't think it will.

 

All the best to you and your journey.

I'm sorry for the prognosis; I agree, have some serious talks now, before it's too late.

 

DIFM, I've been on these and other forums for more than 15 years, have helped with several thousand cases of infidelity. In all those thousands and thousands of cases, this is the ONLY instance where a person has legitimately been able to say, more or less, the devil made me do it. No conclusion jumping around here, just accurate analysis based on a very real Cheater's Script. Cheaters cheat because they want to.