I know... (Updated)

[Hope Shimmers]

Hey, wait a minute. Are you guys telling her to manipulate him into seeing her differently by lying to him? I can't go along with the lying and doubt if she could bring it off either. Lying? For real?

 

Not that he doesn't deserve it. But okay then, she can change it up and say that she is tired of feeling like she is in the way of "true love" and that she wants to find her own true love. Which is what she should do in my opinion and what she totally deserves.

[Realist3]

Yes!!!!

 

longjourney, take this advice. Tell your H that you've met someone else that you want to be with. Send him to the OW with good wishes. I would bet he would be so shocked at your strength and apparent non-need of him that he would have trouble not falling over!

 

And, I guarantee that he will see you in a new light... as a strong women who DOES NOT "NEED" HIM... which will scare the crap out of him, confuse him, make him wonder about you, and ultimately, make him not very happy that you don't need him anymore and have "met someone else".

 

And let him live this little fantasy that apparently is in his head. Get it over with. Spark gives it six months... I would vote for less... maybe three months, tops.

 

Really, what do you have to lose? You need to change the dynamic to one where YOU are in control instead of him.

 

 

I don't think this will work AT ALL. You both are suggesting a fake revenge affair? Really? He will see right through that. It will be a feeble wasted attempt that will accomplish nothing. I take that back, it might accomplish exactly what she doesn't want. You have a man who is on love with someone else. He cheats. He stays out of obligation. His OW is divorcing. Then the wife admits to some phony affair? He will be out of there so fast her head will spin.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I don't think this will work AT ALL. You both are suggesting a fake revenge affair? Really? He will see right through that. It will be a feeble wasted attempt that will accomplish nothing. I take that back, it might accomplish exactly what she doesn't want. You have a man who is on love with someone else. He cheats. He stays out of obligation. His OW is divorcing. Then the wife admits to some phony affair? He will be out of there so fast her head will spin.

 

I won't say I agree with their idea but I can certainly get behind the principle. She doesn't need to fake a revenge affair but she does need to be rid of this man and make it clear she's not going to live like this anymore.

 

OP, you are helping to fuel this fantasy of star-crossed lovers that many WS+APs seem to have. Stop it. By "acknowledging" that he loves her and always has and that it is only you standing in the way, you are giving credence to this and further perpetuating their way of thinking. You're making it okay.

 

You say you're staying because you don't want her around your children, but it feels much more like you just don't want them to be together. Unfortunately, I have some news for you: If you being married to him didn't stop her from "having" your husband before, you staying married certainly won't stop her from having him now. The only thing that could possibly achieve is thrwarting any chance they may have of "going public". But, since they carried on an affair in secret in the past, it's clear that neither of them are much concerned with having an 'official' relationship anyway.

 

This pain you're in, it doesn't get better unless you change something about your situation. Stewing in it, making excuses, you can't heal like that. You're "acknowledgement" that you are not his "dream girl" does you little good. By saying you "know you're weak" is useless and borders on pathetic. WHYYY put yourself through that?

 

Leave him. As a matter of fact, kick him out, hell, drop him off on her doorstep with a bow on his head. WHATEVER. Just get rid of him because the bottom line is, if the two of them want each other, they'll do it with or without your consent - as they've already shown you.

[violet1]

I don't think this will work AT ALL. You both are suggesting a fake revenge affair? Really? He will see right through that. It will be a feeble wasted attempt that will accomplish nothing. I take that back, it might accomplish exactly what she doesn't want. You have a man who is on love with someone else. He cheats. He stays out of obligation. His OW is divorcing. Then the wife admits to some phony affair? He will be out of there so fast her head will spin.

I agree. There's no reason for LJ to lie. She just needs to kick his sorry a$$ to the curb. I honestly believe her WH and the OW are living in the past. Lets see how wonderful their relationship is out in the open. Let's throw the blended family and daily life problems in the mix. The odds are not in their favor. At least this way he has to man up. He will no longer be able to use LJ's illness and the kids as his reasoning for not being with his "soulmate".

[longjourney]

I have been listening to all of your advice, so last night, I asked WH to leave. I told him that I don't want to be like this anymore, that I want to be alone, that anything is better then feeling like this. That was the basics of it.

 

 

Well we talked for quite some time. He said he is sorry it turned out this way, that he never meant to hurt me. etc etc etc. He asked me to think about if this is truly what I wanted. He said to sleep on it, and we would talk again this afternoon. He said he would leave, but after we talk to his child, my step child together, our youngest is too young to understand the depth of D. He said he would help with the kids any way he can.

 

 

So there you have it, as long as I don't waiver this afternoon, my WH will be gone by the end of the weekend. Time for me to face facts. It's like he was waiting for me to release him from this mess. My M is over.

[gettingstronger]

I am sorry this has been such a painful time for you but I feel like this is the light at the end of the tunnel you have been looking for-you are stronger than you know, we all are- as far as "help with the kids any way he can" well shoot- thats the law so no kudos there for him-make sure you get good legal representation so that you are well protected-he has shown he is selfish and manipulative, get some professional help with dealing with him-

 

Best of luck and I am rooting for you!

[cozycottagelg]

I am so happy for you!!! YOU deserve this!

[Realist3]

I think you made the best decision for your sanity and well being. It will be very difficult at first, but down the road you will look back and be very happy you made this decision. Best wishes.

[Clay]

I have to say a part of me feels really sad for you. It had to be so hard coming to this point and suffering all the things you have. The other part of me cheers you on. There are much better men out there. You deserve so much more.

 

Good for you

 

Clay

[violet1]

I have been listening to all of your advice, so last night, I asked WH to leave. I told him that I don't want to be like this anymore, that I want to be alone, that anything is better then feeling like this. That was the basics of it.

 

 

Well we talked for quite some time. He said he is sorry it turned out this way, that he never meant to hurt me. etc etc etc. He asked me to think about if this is truly what I wanted. He said to sleep on it, and we would talk again this afternoon. He said he would leave, but after we talk to his child, my step child together, our youngest is too young to understand the depth of D. He said he would help with the kids any way he can.

 

 

So there you have it, as long as I don't waiver this afternoon, my WH will be gone by the end of the weekend. Time for me to face facts. It's like he was waiting for me to release him from this mess. My M is over.

I'm so proud of you LJ! Whatever you do, please do NOT cave. I know you're scared, but you can do this.

[cocorico]

 

He said he would leave, but after we talk to his child, my step child together, our youngest is too young to understand the depth of D. He said he would help with the kids any way he can.

 

 

I don't get it. One child is not even yours - is his - but he's leaving the kids with you, and "will help any way he can"? Sorry, but the one kid is fully his responsibility, and you can perhaps offer "to help any way you can" (or want) but that's his problem to solve. The other child is his as well as yours, and - assuming the idea is to keep them together as siblings - it would make sense for that child to go with him and his other child, and for you to take your child on a schedule you agree. But there is no way he should be abandoning his kid - his responsibility - with you, with only vague offers of "helping out".

 

Other than that, I think you're doing the right thing. You need to take care of yourself and not settle for the way he's been treating you.

[elaine567]

I don't get it. One child is not even yours - is his - but he's leaving the kids with you, and "will help any way he can"? Sorry, but the one kid is fully his responsibility, and you can perhaps offer "to help any way you can" (or want) but that's his problem to solve. The other child is his as well as yours, and - assuming the idea is to keep them together as siblings - it would make sense for that child to go with him and his other child, and for you to take your child on a schedule you agree. But there is no way he should be abandoning his kid - his responsibility - with you, with only vague offers of "helping out".

 

One of the reasons for longjourney staying so long, was fear of losing her kids, including her step-child.

She doesn't want him to take any of them away, I would guess.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's like he was waiting for me to release him from this mess. My M is over.

 

Your M was over the moment your WH decided to cheat on you. Hope you're not adding guilt to the other things on your plate. Stay strong and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

Talk to an attorney, yesterday. You need good representation to look out for your child support and spousal support issues.

 

Sending you strength, LJ. The status quo was not sustainable. You did the right thing.

[merrmeade]

I don't get it. One child is not even yours - is his - but he's leaving the kids with you, and "will help any way he can"? Sorry, but the one kid is fully his responsibility, and you can perhaps offer "to help any way you can" (or want) but that's his problem to solve. The other child is his as well as yours, and - assuming the idea is to keep them together as siblings - it would make sense for that child to go with him and his other child, and for you to take your child on a schedule you agree. But there is no way he should be abandoning his kid - his responsibility - with you, with only vague offers of "helping out".

 

Other than that, I think you're doing the right thing. You need to take care of yourself and not settle for the way he's been treating you.

Totally my first reaction. "Any way he can"? Wha-a-a-at? No, no, no. Not acceptable. He cheated. He wasn't some long-suffering victim that you, the perpetrator, have now released as you kept presenting it. No, YOU were the victim, he was the perpatrator and you have taken your life back. So hold him accountable and EXPECT that he will not only help, he will do what is his legal and moral responsibility by you and those children. Harrumph.

 

Get that lawyer, dear, immediately.

[violet1]

One of the reasons for longjourney staying so long, was fear of losing her kids, including her step-child.

She doesn't want him to take any of them away, I would guess.

This makes perfect sense to me. Speaking as a stepmother who's very close to her stepchildren, I understand. I may not be their bio mom, but I have an irreversible bond with them. I always wondered if this was a factor in LJ's decision to stay with him as long as she has.

[AlwaysGrowing]

WHOOT WHOOT!!!!!!

 

So nice to see you take the reins in your life. Ending the marriage on your terms....not sitting passively by...waiting on others to get their **** together.

 

You...my dear...are leading by example. How to Remove Toxic people from Your Life 101.

 

As Dean McDermotts ex wife said to Tori "I don't hate Dean. I mean, he's a total knob. I know that. But he's your knob now."

[AlwaysGrowing]

I don't get it. One child is not even yours - is his - but he's leaving the kids with you, and "will help any way he can"? Sorry, but the one kid is fully his responsibility, and you can perhaps offer "to help any way you can" (or want) but that's his problem to solve. The other child is his as well as yours, and - assuming the idea is to keep them together as siblings - it would make sense for that child to go with him and his other child, and for you to take your child on a schedule you agree. But there is no way he should be abandoning his kid - his responsibility - with you, with only vague offers of "helping out".

 

Other than that, I think you're doing the right thing. You need to take care of yourself and not settle for the way he's been treating you.

 

 

Now why..pray tell...does a parent get regulate to part-time parent based on the other parent having previous children? Why would LJ give up custodial rights? Are parents on a graduated system? He has another child...so he is best equipped to have custodial rights?

 

Believe it or not...there are parents who do not view their child/ren as burdens/responsibilities. They view them as enhancing their life. They view family and those relationships as the ultimate in having a successful/fulfilling life.

 

If I am not mistaken, LJ has been the primary caregiver. If LJ wants that to stay the same...her WS...should be the one to make the necessary accommodations...not LJ or the children.

 

His choices have led to this..actions meet consequences. He needs to take responsibility from that viewpoint.

[Hope Shimmers]

Wow!!!!

 

I remember in one of your earlier posts that you said you "weren't strong". What you just did was one of the strongest things I've ever seen. Especially after reading 1 or 2 other threads in the past day or so on this forum about women who don't have the courage or self-respect that you do, in order to change their lives and move forward. I know it took me forever to do it.

 

I read something today that reminded me of you:

 

You.Are.Amazing

 

As.you.are.

Stronger than you know.

More beautiful than you think.

Worthier than you believe.

More loved than you can ever imagine.

Passionate about making a difference.

Fiery when protecting those you love.

Learning.Growing. Not alone.

Warm.Giving.Generous.

Quirky.Sexy.Funny.Smart.

Flawed.Whole.Scared.Brave.

And so, so so.much.more.

 

Be Strong. Be Confident. Be You. ~

(byTia Sparkles Singh)

 

Hang in there LJ. You will reach the end of this Long Journey! Some lucky (and very good) man will be in your life one of these days, if that's what you choose - mark my words.

Edited November 7, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[Ronni_W]

, so last night, I asked WH to leave. I told him that I don't want to be like this anymore, that I want to be alone, that anything is better then feeling like this.

longjourney,

I am both: so happy for you, and also sad.

 

My sense is that it took a LOT of deep soul-searching, and strength and courage.

If you will allow it from me, I am very proud of you!

 

I suspect it might not be feeling too possible at the moment, but I wish you nothing but happiness and all good things in the future.

[Spark1111]

I have been listening to all of your advice, so last night, I asked WH to leave. I told him that I don't want to be like this anymore, that I want to be alone, that anything is better then feeling like this. That was the basics of it.

 

 

Well we talked for quite some time. He said he is sorry it turned out this way, that he never meant to hurt me. etc etc etc. He asked me to think about if this is truly what I wanted. He said to sleep on it, and we would talk again this afternoon. He said he would leave, but after we talk to his child, my step child together, our youngest is too young to understand the depth of D. He said he would help with the kids any way he can.

 

 

So there you have it, as long as I don't waiver this afternoon, my WH will be gone by the end of the weekend. Time for me to face facts. It's like he was waiting for me to release him from this mess. My M is over.

 

Darling your marriage never began, never had a fighting chance, ever, through NO fault of your own.

 

They ALL say they never meant to hurt you, though they did, EVERY chance they got. It makes them feel better to say that, like they forgot to pay the phone bill.

 

But every text, email, call, meet-up takes serious thought, calculation and planning in an affair. CALL him on that BS.

 

CALL her too while you are at it. Kindly tell her how your marriage NEVER stood a chance, but wish them well and ask her to be kind to your kids who will be devastated for a few years. How are her children faring with her divorce? Commiserate. become a REAL woman to her, not some sickly, dependent drain as he has most likely portrayed you. Stay calm and kind.

 

Call a lawyer. Call your friends and family. You need support and will need help in the future. Tell them the truth of what you have been living with. Don't forge through this alone.

 

I'm proud of you. I'm rooting for you.

[bathtub-row]

I would just say that there are different kinds of love and I'm guessing that your husband knows that. Maybe there is some real connection between him and the OW but I think you're wrong to think you don't mean that much to your husband. You may think he's with you out of pity but I'm guessing it goes deeper than that.

 

I personally don't think you're not strong. You think it's a weakness to need someone but it's not. It's human nature to need others. It doesn't make you weak. And if you're ill, then all the more reason. I think your husband would be a real jerk if he left you at this point in your life, and I think he knows it would be a lousy thing to do.

 

I'm sure there's nothing I can say to make you feel better about this situation but I hope you understand that you are cared for more than you probably know.

[violet1]

How are you today? Did the two of you have another chat? Is he still leaving? I woke up thinking about you. I hope you're sticking to your decision.

[violet1]

I would just say that there are different kinds of love and I'm guessing that your husband knows that. Maybe there is some real connection between him and the OW but I think you're wrong to think you don't mean that much to your husband. You may think he's with you out of pity but I'm guessing it goes deeper than that.

 

I personally don't think you're not strong. You think it's a weakness to need someone but it's not. It's human nature to need others. It doesn't make you weak. And if you're ill, then all the more reason. I think your husband would be a real jerk if he left you at this point in your life, and I think he knows it would be a lousy thing to do.

 

I'm sure there's nothing I can say to make you feel better about this situation but I hope you understand that you are cared for more than you probably know.

Maybe her WH does have love for LJ. However, I don't believe he's "in love" with her. LJ has seen texts to the OW that state he's only with her for the kids and because he feels sorry for her. Do you want a partner who stays because they feel sorry for you? I personally would rather be alone. I don't need a partner like that in my life and either does LJ. She deserves love and respect.

 

This man has put LJ through hell- false reconciliation, constant break of NC, etc. He's destroyed her trust, self-esteem and confidence. I'm a former WW and a strong believer in reconciliation. In this situation too much damage has been done though. If I remember correctly, this affair went on for 6 years, including when LJ was pregnant. She has been his plan B since day one and LJ deserves to be a man's plan A. Plus, his treatment of her and the additional stress can't be good on her illness. You must have not read all of her threads. I'm a little shocked anyone would suggest that LJ should give him another shot and let him stay.

Edited November 8, 2014 by violet1

[bathtub-row]

I'm a little shocked anyone would suggest that LJ should give him another shot and let him stay.

 

I don't know anything about this situation and I'm not suggesting that she do anything one way or another. What I was saying is that I doubt her husband has no feelings for her at all, as she seems to think. Being 'in love' isn't a constant state of being and that feeling always evolves over the years. If being in love were a prerequisite for marriages working out, they would almost all be doomed.

 

The OP has a special circumstance because she's ill. This puts a very different spin on things. I have dealt with this with my xMM. I don't know if he would've ever left his wife or not, but now that she's ill, it's not in question. He wouldn't leave her and I wouldn't want him to. It is sometimes that simple.

 

As far as what OP's husband does behind her back, it would of course be better if he would stop that. Most of the time, though, shutting down the affair is something the OW has to do. Most of the time, men will not do this on their own. Still, my xMM cares a lot about his wife. She's the mother of his children and they've been together a long time. My point is, even though they're not very compatible and his heart seems to be elsewhere, he still cares a great deal about her; she's a big part of his life. The same is probably true for OP's husband.