Eternal Sunshine Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 From my own extensive dating experience whenever I thought the guy was "too shy" or wanted me to initiate, it turned out that he simply wasn't interested. Every.Single.Time. As per last text, it was a clear indication that you wanted to see him. He should have made plans then and there if at all interested. He didn't. Tells you all you need to know. Link to post Share on other sites
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Let's assume that he is actually into you---debatable at this point, but whatever---and is too confused/disordered/troubled to communicate it. Is this what you want? Do you want a relationship with a guy who can't understand your feelings, who can't pick up on your subtle hints, who won't make any attempt whatsoever to romance you, who won't show any initiative or show up at your door with flowers and perfume after a bad day? If you do somehow end up together, the uncertainty and frustration you're experiencing now will be the hallmark of your relationship. Think about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeandPerseverance Posted November 22, 2014 Author Share Posted November 22, 2014 He's just doing it you pacify you. There's no way he's gonna invite you out this weekend. You prob won't hear a peep out of him. Anddddd she's right, ladies and gentlemen! It's now early Saturday evening, and I have heard not a word. And he doesn't have a washer/dryer where he lives, and comes up to his parents pretty frequently (like every other weekish, at least), so he could very well be up here. I just turned in my very important law school memo, and I'm gonna go see a movie. I guess it was nice knowing him. Who knew I was so repulsive, apparently? Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Just because this one guy who has been single for a while does not want to jump your bones don't assume it means you are repulsive. I'd say the guy has some sort of intimacy issues or low testosterone or could be really fussy and have a specific 'type' when it comes to women. Link to post Share on other sites
333unsure Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 It's not you, it's him. Everything he's done, from the very start, just screams dysfunction. You are so much better off without him. It was NOT nice knowing him. The good things you like about him are not not worth his issues. If he contacts you again, don't respond - it'll only be another setup for disappointment. You are awesome, law school student! It will work out with someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I think he is just too respectful and conservative kind of person He is shy as well He needs someone to start acting and make the first move He seems to me like a person who loved deeply and now he can't find that same feeling anymore I think you should try to date him and see how it goes! Hey by the way what was your gpa to law school, I am interested to go there and what was your major as well! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeandPerseverance Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 (edited) I thought I'd post one last update, the final end of the story, for all the people who have been kind and insightful enough to help me and offer me advice. The story does have an ending. Last night, almost immeadiately after I wrote my post, he texted me, and asked if I wanted to go an outdoor Christmas festival. I said yes. He wanted to come pick me up. So he did. Now I'm half convinced he did it because he wanted to have me trapped in the car so he could ambush me. We went, all his friends were there, and more I hadn't met before. I had a great time. On the drive home, he said, "We need to talk". He then for the next 2 hours proceeded give me the most confusing talk I've ever heard, ever. And I'm more confused now than before we had it. Maybe he planned it that way. "I didn't really have a gameplan one way or the other coming into this talk." He told me several times. Some lines I can remember though? "We shouldn't make out again." "WE CAN'T BE IN INTIMATE SITUATIONS." And after I finally pressed him really hard, "You ask a lot of questions. I don't think us dating would work." When asked why (and I mean that constructively), he said, "Well, my parents I really like you, and your family, or who you were as a little kid, and that makes me feel pressure. I avoid pressure." This went on for TWO HOURS, on my sofa. I had THREE HOURS of sleep the night before, because I was so stressed out about the memo. I couldn't find much of what I wanted to say. And then I realized..Most of it was him. What I did eventually get out of him? He blurted, "I don't like that you've kind of been pursuing me. If there is any little thing at all about this that turns me off, that's been it. Because if I like a girl, I will go after her. I will make it happen." At this point, I was getting ANGRY, I calmly smiled and said, "Okay, well youre impossible to read. and you give no signs one way or the others. So I didn't know. And I'm sorry for that." When he AGAIN mentioned last weekend, he made a comment--"I wouldn't hold hands, because that's a whole new level of intimacy, the intertwining of fingers." and "I wouldn't walk you to your truck, because that's a romantic thing." Okay...But..You would SPOON me all night? And again when you woke up? Because that's not intimacy thing? Then the comment, "Even if we dated for 5 years after this, last weekend was not the way to start that." I agree. I guess. But I don't think last weekends PG events, would scare a normal guy off. Favorite lines? "I don't want to hurt you, now or ever. I don't want to mess with your head." But you are, right now. "I care about you." As a guy once said to me--how could you care about me, you don't know me that well yet. "I don't want you to become a booty call." I find this hilarious, because..I found out last night, he's even LESS experienced than we ever imagined. Without posting it blatantly on the internet..Read between the lines here and get what I mean here. He wouldn't know what to DO with a booty call, so it's not like he's ever had someone who IS one. I just wanted a black and white answer. I wanted a yes or no. And he downright wouldn't or couldn't give me one. I said finally, "I need to know if I should close that door or not. Because once I close it, it will not reopen." And by that, I mean..Do I need to stop being interested. And move on. Because once I do, I will not be back. And again, I couldn't get an answer. When he got up to leave, I said as I was walking him out, "So bottom line of this conversation, you're not interested, you're never going to be, and just want to be friends. " He looked at me at the door, "Don't do this. Don't pull this bottom line out of the conversation. Don't try to sum up our talk in one sentence. I never said any of that." I looked at him, "You inferred it." "No." He said at one point towards the end but not quite the end quote, "We should hang out again soon. Just not TOO soon." I was ANGRY at this point, so I was a little bitter without showing it, "Well, don't worry. Because I'm leaving for thanksgiving." And he offered to come check on my animals while I'm gone this week. So, he's going to come feed them while I'm away. Makes total sense for the guy who's not interested in me. I thought if I slept on it, I'd be less confused this morning. Instead, I'm more. But I think he's saying without saying, last weekend was a mistake. He's not interested. He's never going to be. BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT EVERYONE, if I've learned one thing in 23 years--if a guy wants you, he's going to go after it. If he doesn't nothing will make him stay. And I deserve that. Without trying to sound conceited...I deserve someone who doesn't have to be CONFUSED about me. Someone who knows what they want. I shouldn't HAVE TO pursue. Frankly, I don't like that. I don't like guess work. And I'm not some ogre, physically, either. I'm actually pretty--will I be trying out for beauty contest? No, probably not. But I'm physically more than just "okay" looking, I'm in good shape, nicely put together (even he's made comments about me having nice ____ fill in the blank with noun of your choice__), I don't like what school's doing to my personality, but I'm still not bad to be around (yet), and I'm funny. I have a great sense of humor. So I don't deserve this. Frankly? Without sounding high and mighty.. I think this one is his loss more so, because I don't think he's going to find many girls as patient with him as I've been. Edited November 23, 2014 by LifeandPerseverance Link to post Share on other sites
333unsure Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 That conversation fits right in with all of his other behavior. I hope you feel some sense of closure on this and can let him go completely. I stand by everything I said the other day: It's not you, it's him. Everything he's done, from the very start, just screams dysfunction. You are so much better off without him. It was NOT nice knowing him. The good things you like about him are not not worth his issues. If he contacts you again, don't respond - it'll only be another setup for disappointment. You are awesome, law school student! It will work out with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Mave Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Agreed, definitely his loss. He is extremely indecisive, and that is a big no-no, especially for a man. You have been more than patient, move on. Link to post Share on other sites
MissMoneyPenny Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 His loss.. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Please don't hang out with him again. This guy is not all there in the head. But something that he said: if I really like a girl, I will go after her. And that's bottom line for every women wondering what's going on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Dear not everyone is going to want to date you. Yes he is dysfunctional and weird, but in his way, he gave you a shot, and didn't feel he wanted to pursue it any further. It would be no different you going on a couple of dates with a guy and not feeling the connection for him. So remember that just because you have something for them doesn't mean they will for you... this is just the way dating is. Tip: always go by their actions, not by their words. If they don't text you flirty messages and want to see you all the time, they are not into you, so stop wasting your time. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Oh and to add, never ever hope things will improve.....you are only kidding yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 First of all, him spending 2+ hours to explain to you in detail why he's not into you is ridiculous and presumptuous of him, and only proves the point many posters have made so far that there's something mentally wrong with this guy, some social disorder or something. Second of all, his behavior was not as confusing as you seem to think. There're some guys that will not initiate contact or dates, even if they like the girl, due to shyness or being clueless or another similar reason. But they will always enthusiastically reciprocate. I don't think this guy ever showed any appreciation or enthusiasm for your attention and effort. I know the spooning episode seemed to throw you for a loop but it sounds like he was just testing the waters to see if he would/could/might feel some sort of attraction. It didn't work for him. Don't take it personally. This guy seemed like too much drama and work anyways, you are much better off without such a person in your life. Once you get over your bruised ego you'll see this. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 (edited) He then for the next 2 hours proceeded give me the most confusing talk I've ever heard, ever. And I'm more confused now than before we had it. Conclusion: He is afraid of having sex with you. He thinks that if you guys start dating, this is likely to happen and that terrifies him. The fact that your families are friends adds to the "pressure" for things to go wrong. He´s been trying to avoid you but he is very attracted, that´s why he left it to the last minute on Sunday to see you. He tried not to but he gave in. The no intimacy thing goes without saying. Like last weekend, in those situations he will lose control. And he is not "turned off" that you pursued him, he is "pissed off" because he probably wouldn´t have done it and concentrated in the work. He is still willing to see you, and he is going to care for your pets... Up to you now. Good luck either way! Edited November 23, 2014 by Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Frankly? Without sounding high and mighty.. I think this one is his loss more so, because I don't think he's going to find many girls as patient with him as I've been. I agree with you there. I think once he finds out there are less options for him he'll kick himself. He did lose out. He could have had a really great time with you. But he was too blind to notice it. Once he notices you have move on quicker than he was expecting with someone amazing, he'll be regretting it then. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 This thread has made me want to bang my head against a wall repeatedly. I don't like this dude's behavior at all. Good luck to him finding someone who can tolerate those confounding contradictions of his. LifeandPerservance, I think now you just have to go totally passive. Don't put any effort whatsoever into trying to hang out with him or even be in touch with him. And if he pursues anything with YOU, just brush him off for a while and don't be available. It sounds like you already have this mentality for the most part. The only thing that concerns me is that you're having him watch your animals over the holiday. Why did you agree to that with someone you should be shutting the door on? Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 ..... if I've learned one thing in 23 years--if a guy wants you, he's going to go after it. If he doesn't nothing will make him stay. Actually there are plenty of guys who will tread water in a relationship for a while for regular sex especially if the girl is a sure thing for them. To give him credit he easily could have made the most of your willingness last weekend to have sex and then still gone on and given you this rambling talk about being confused in his feelings. I definitely think you can close the door on this, but maybe keep a low key friendship going. Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalCastles Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Question. Have you posted about this guy before? Or is this a different guy? Because if this is the same guy you've made earlier threads about, he's been long showing this behaviour towards you... Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 So the guy really always sounded like a girl, to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 One more thing L&P: "I care about you." "I don't want you to become a booty call." This means that if he dates you, it will have to be serious. He wouldn´t want for it to turn into a FWB casual relationship. In his mind he is already thinking: Dating you -> sex (pressure) -> great relationship that won´t go wrong (pressure) -> maybe marriage That´s why he doesn´t want to be in intimate situations that could precipitate the events. This guy needs to know that you are the right girl for him and that everything is going to be ok. I guess meeting to talk for a long time without making out, so you can get to know each other (you mentioned you don´t know too much about him). Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 While I haven't been in this situation, I've heard similar craziness from guys ("I don't want you, but I want to stay here and talk to you about it for hours") ("I don't think we should date, I didn't say I didn't like you and I want to keep hanging out with you) etc. My guess is you will continue to hear from him but it'll be total mixed messages nonstop. Don't contact him at all, be short with him when you hear from him. If you back WAY off and become MUCH less available there's a chance he'll come around. Otherwise no way. But yeah, ask yourself if you want to deal with someone like this. People like this can be total nightmares. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Hmm just saw the other threads on this guy....OP you really need to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeandPerseverance Posted November 24, 2014 Author Share Posted November 24, 2014 Hmm just saw the other threads on this guy....OP you really need to move on. Because two people have mentioned it, just to put this out there to clarify--this is NOT the guy from the threads I think someone is referencing. I have threads about two guys total since signing up, and this guy is the second--this is not the dbag who disappeared on me in july--He has a girlfriend, lives a state away, and we haven't talked since that day in july. This is the guy who helped me build a shed in august. Just to clarify. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunlounger Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 this is the most frustrating thread in the history of the internet for me to read. If a girl showed 1/4th the interest the OP showed, I would have had a girlfriend by now Wow just wow Link to post Share on other sites
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