Some help wanted - after a very unusual breakup [update]

[SoThatHappened]

There has to be some history with her, even before she met you.

I'm thinking there has to be some history of her wanting to get out prior to "jumping ship" out of the blue.

 

OP, was there anything at all that threw up a red flag prior to this happening?

[CoolKids]

I'm thinking there has to be some history of her wanting to get out prior to "jumping ship" out of the blue.

 

OP, was there anything at all that threw up a red flag prior to this happening?

 

Like for example:

 

1. Picking fights over the smallest things.

2. Less desire to show affection.

3. Lack of sex.

4. A tendency to go out with friends more than you.

5. a sudden entrance of a male in her life.

[Mr. Lucky]

I appreciate your perspective...yes based on things she has said before, I DO think that its a strong possibility that she wants me to come after her.

 

JartyTek, I'll gently reaffirm what others have said - your pain and heartbreak have caused you to engage in some delusional thinking.

 

- She's taken legal action against you

- She's blocked you on social media

- She's had others do the same

- She's changed phone and email so you can't contact her

- She's blocked your phone and email

- She's had her lawyer write you a NC letter

- She's not contacted you this entire time

- She's told you to throw away her remaining possessions

 

This isn't someone who wants you to come after her. Short of stabbing you in the neck, not sure how her message could be any more clear.

 

It sucks the way she's done this without explanation or discussion. But done this she has. You're challenge isn't to win some emotional scavenger hunt and get her back, it's to get on with your life. That should be your priority and focus. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JartyTek]

@ Cool kids…there was nothing like this: we never fought….we were having sex up until two days prior and the same frequency….she never went out with friends, we did everything together….a tryst would have been logistically impossible – she would have had to have it on the drive home!!

 

@STH…there sure was….she did this around 5 times before but not so much scorched earth as this time….each time, she came back (angry) ….I had to keep the situation calm…then we met after that call and, in her words upon seeing me, ‘all was right in the world’. She then admitted that there was something wrong with her and not me and that she needed to ‘see someone’. I played that down where I should have picked up the phone that minute and made an appointment!!

 

@LQ….really sorry to hear this for you….people just seem to suck

 

all….i really thank you for your input….I highly value your thoughts…however, some of the comments were based upon a person that is rational and emotionally healthy. My ex is not by any stretch of the imagination, clearly. So I am trying to understand this from a persons perspective that is is not really whole and gauge my next step and strategy upon understanding what is going through her head and heart. It is difficult for me to imagine her own hurt and confusion and, by all accounts, for her OWN understanding of doing this.

 

I have had a successful career in business. At the foundation of that is the fact that I do not give in easily at all and I am accustomed to fighting and working hard for all of the things that I have. Sometimes it is not easy and sometimes it REALLY looks like I am trying to get blood from a stone. Most of the time, it seems that I do where most people would have given up long time ago.

 

Its within this framework that I am looking at things ad given my level of commitment to this relationship. What should I do now??

[angel.eyes]

You seem focused on understanding and salvaging the relationship after this nightmare.

 

While I sympathize with your distress and confusion, please take a step back and consider the bigger picture. Look at how you've been treated...particularly since she's given you flavors of this in the earlier break-up you had.

 

Is this really the type of person you should marry? Someone so unstable and conflict-avoidant, that she may decide abruptly to disappear on a spouse down the road? Sometimes we're so focused on our plan (in your case following through on your wedding and life plans with her) that we ignore the need to re-evaluate when critical new information becomes available.

 

Personally, I think you should count your blessings that this happened BEFORE not after your wedding. Let her be. Stop trying to communicate or reach out to her. You don't need a restraining order on your record. Focus instead on healing yourself and helping your daughter get through this.

 

You seem like a really great guy. No doubt down the road you will meet a woman who will be a way better fit for you, without all the attendant melodrama.

[JartyTek]

@Sycamore....so sorry to hear that....i hope that you overcome....if you need a freind, I am here....

 

all….i really thank you for your input….I highly value your thoughts…however, some of the comments were based upon a person that is rational and emotionally healthy. My ex is not by any stretch of the imagination, clearly. So I am trying to understand this from a persons perspective that is is not really whole and gauge my next step and strategy upon understanding what is going through her head and heart. It is difficult for me to imagine her own hurt and confusion and, by all accounts, for her OWN understanding of doing this.

 

I have had a successful career in business. At the foundation of that is the fact that I do not give in easily at all and I am accustomed to fighting and working hard for all of the things that I have. Sometimes it is not easy and sometimes it REALLY looks like I am trying to get blood from a stone. Most of the time, it seems that I do where most people would have given up long time ago.

 

Its within this framework that I am looking at things ad given my level of commitment to this relationship. What should I do now??

[Sugarkane]

Had my ex who brought me here years ago, did exactly the same thing. I never cheated and really loved him. Never got any real answers.

[Sugarkane]

Your ex is a coward and an Ahole.

[angel.eyes]

No one is more stubborn and persistent than I. But you also have to use your judgment! She wants absolutely nothing to do with you. She couldn't possibly be any clearer, hence your only communication link right now is through her attorney!

 

Lose "the knight-in-shining armor swooping in to the rescue" fantasy. She is DONE! It takes two to have a relationship. Right now, you have a one-person fantasy and an ex wiling to slap you with a restraining order or whatever it takes to make you go away. Please wake up to the reality of your situation. Continued denial and hope that you can somehow convince her to come back will only get you in trouble.

 

Honestly, what are you really fighting for anyway? What's the prize that you're so eager to reclaim? A partner who will paint you out of her life at the drop of a hat?

 

Accept her wishes and just let her go. She obviously no longer wants a life with you. It sucks, but it is what it is.

[Chatmonkey]

Brutal. This **** just blows my mind. OP, the way you are handling this (at least as far as I can see on here) you deserve some sort of trophy.

[JartyTek]

Thanks man....I hope that I get one!

[Sugarkane]

I always feel like sending these sociopaths a book on how to break up with people properly.

[SoThatHappened]

I always feel like sending these sociopaths a book on how to break up with people properly.

There definitely is a right way to do it. Sometimes people do it the way the OP's ex has done it because they have exhausted every other "right" attempt to breakup.

 

That's why I asked if in a previous post if she had shown any other signs that a breakup was coming.

 

I tried breaking up with a former ex for a long time. She just wouldn't leave. It got to the point where I had to do something similar to your ex, OP.

 

Did she tell you she was unhappy and that she wanted out before?

[JartyTek]

I agree. No, there was no acrimony in our relationship at all. We never fought, we never so much as disagreed about anything! We were having sex jet a couple of days before, went out to dinner, etc. If anything, her compliments and reports of compliments from friends, co workers and family and HER complimenting me (I wonder if she was taking inventory of what she might be walking away from, in retrospect) had intensified.

 

We were a very solid couple. EVERYONE was highly shocked, even her family. I still walk through the house on occasions and shake my head in disbelief. I KNOW that people break up all of the time, been there, But I had NEVER heard of anything like this. It is ALWAYS preceded by an argument, or a persistent history of disagreement (real or perceived), or even a tryst. But nothing like this.

[JartyTek]

I understand that the no contact rule period can vary from person to person; generally a month but as much as 6 for others. But I am wondering if mine is over.

 

My ex too a scorched earth approach. She moved out while I was away on business and sent me a 'F you John' text and then blocked me from calling her or texting. She also blocked my email, unfriended and blocked me on social media, unfriended all of my friends and encouraged her friends and family to do the same (I think that it was a mechanism for she herself to not be tempted to make contact). So; there is no way for even her to initiate contact on a casual basis.

 

Its coming upon 6 weeks of no contact. For some reason, she did not unfriend my best buddy's crazy wife. I learned that they have had a few conversations both via phone and online. My sense is that she was reaching out and trying to bounce ideas off of her and do a reality check (my buddy's wife is VERY opinionated) at one point even offering to explain what had happened. His wife told my ex that she was not interested in hearing about it or getting involved and shut her down. She has not heard from her since but I suspect that my ex saw that as a sign that she would not participate in being a lifeline back to me (they were never really close friends....I was surprised that she chose her to remain friends with).

 

Meanwhile, my daughter was also unfriended and blocked on social media including Pintrest. About the same time, three weeks ago, she logged onto Pintrest to find that my ex had unblocked her there and sent her a pin of Halloween ideas. My daughter replied with a 'thank you' and equally innocuous pin but have heard nothing back since. I wonder if she gave up after she had heard nothing back an reverted to her hardened posture????

 

Is this the time to initiate contact or am I trying to see something that is not there?

[JartyTek]

PS What is OP? I see people refer to it here.

[angel.eyes]

Original poster or original post. There's a thread with a list of acronyms somewhere.

[SoThatHappened]

Some things you're not going to be able to figure out, especially when it comes to someone's emotions.

 

What she did was very illogical. Doesn't sound like you had anything to do with her decision (on the outside), but I think there's something going on with her mentally/emotionally.

 

You stated in your original post that:

 

"she has done variations on this theme in the past", but never took things this far.

 

What are these variations you mentioned?

[Jamesa1019]

From what I have read on the NC rule, is that this is the time you take to distance yourself from your ex. This is the time you take to acknowledge that the relationship is over and it is not going to be reestablished. I disagree with that in the rules of NC that I read on here. I am currently doing a NC with my ex. We broke up on October 4th and the last time I spoke to her was on the 20th of October. I am hoping to reconcile with her because I love her and her daughter, and we just literally bought a house together a month ago and never moved in together. She dumped me after what I would call a snap decision after an argument 4 weekends ago. As for your case, I think I read a previous post of yours and she had threatened to get an OOP against you. I would tread lightly, as you also mentioned possibly something in her head is not right. It would be terrible to have her ruin your life if you truly have not done anything out of line. As for your NC time frame I would say don't contact her, and aren't you worried (as I am) if you were to reconcile this same BS could happen down the road again? Again I have read different opinions on the NC rules, and some say time apart will eventually bring you back together if the one who left develops second thoughts or think they made a mistake. While it's hard to not contact someone you love and miss, it's important not to. You need to evaluate yourself and situation (as I am currently trying also) then go from there. There must have been something building up, or signs that we both missed to have the woman of our lives abruptly end the relationship without a mature sit down talk with a full explanation. Not knowing what is going on is the hardest part!

[JartyTek]

Thanks for your thoughts....sorry to hear about your breakup....isn't she on the deed to the house? How can you no contact if that's the case.

 

I've been through this a zillion times in my head: there was nothing that I did that caused this and everyone close to this agrees, even her dad. Its a fear of intimacy thing.

 

But the thing that I wanted to get your opinion on are her activities with my friends wife and my daughter....

 

I hope that things work out for you...I really do!

[SoThatHappened]

Absolutely NOTHING she does short of telling you DIRECTLY that she wants to get back together means a damn thing.

 

I'd tell your daughter to block/delete/remove her. I'm glad your buddy's wife shut her down. Even if she's opinionated, it's good that she chose not to get in the middle of anything.

 

NC varies based on the relationship and the people involved. For you, you absolutely need to view NC as you will Never Contact. That finality will help you move on.

 

It sounds like she's keeping tabs on you and that she feels guilty for how she ended things. Don't let your daughter be a pawn in all of this.

 

She cut all ties with you out of the blue, and had her friends and family do the same. It's your turn to do that to her and truly move on with your life.

[angel.eyes]

She had a lawyer threaten you with a restraining order! IIRC, she also threatened to involve the police. She has upset your daughter. If I were in your shoes, no contact would be FOREVER, not six weeks. I know you're hurting and confused, but when people treat you the way she just did and burn every bridge on the way out the door, you have to have enough self-respect to walk away.

 

People can be strange (and cowardly). Please let this go and focus on healing. Accept that you will never understand why she chose to end things in such a bizarre manner.

[OK_computer]

someone on here once said you officially break NC no sooner than when hell freezes over.

[JartyTek]

I am absolutely convinced of this; there is nothing that I did that was causal to this. Everyone that is close to this is also convinced. She is not healthy emotionally.

 

In the past, there were incidents. Small or large arguments (albeit rare, VERY rare). She over reacted to whatever the controversy happened to be and took off. The breakups lasted anywhere from 2 hours to 4 weeks. After a period, I received some VERY subtle contact (like she did a couple of weeks ago through a friend and through my daughter)....then there was conversation (usually with her angrily reviewing the past....often interpreting how I viewed things on my behalf, and not getting it right)...then there was a meeting and it was all over in her words; when she saw me, 'all was right in the world'....that the incident was NOT about me. Then there were her tears (she never got emotional) and her saying that she 'needed to see someone'. The whole matter was then swept under the rug. This was pretty much a template each time.

[JartyTek]

Guys....I really, really appreciate your thoughts...its good to discuss this stuff....But I want to stress my position: I am not asking for reasons why I shouldn't take her back....and I don't think that declarations about my own possible lack of sanity are helpful either. I had an excellent 2 years with this person and I miss those times. She did something EXTREMELY stupid and hurtful for reasons that she probably doesn't even understand. At this point, I am prepared to forgive what she did given that there is possibility to eliminate any possibility for future occurrence. I am COMMITTED to this.

 

Some of your posts here, I apologize, are so filled with damming vitriol against her (yeah, what she did REALLY sucked and it will be REALLY difficult to forgive her, but I will) and even against me that I wonder if ya'll need to consider a little bit of forgiveness yourselves. Think about it.....I mean this with all respect and good manners to all of you.

 

As far as NC goes, I am seeing it as a period where, among other things, is a time to allow emotions to cool off and then to reflect on positive elements of a relationship against negative ones and make a decision regarding what happens next. NC is not a 'F*&% You!!!' gesture formalized.

 

As I am remain COMMITTED to this relationship (even though I am fully cognizant of the facts regarding what she said and did....-remember, she was not thinking RATIONALLY)...if you have some thoughts regarding approaching her and how to do it, I would really like to hear them.

 

Thanks