Lied about having a relationship with wife's best friend before meeting her is cheati

[the_artist_1970]

After work tonight I called my wife and asked if I could come over and she said yes. I went over (with wine, flowers, and chocolate) and we talked for a while about everything.

 

Truth is everything was good before this whole ordeal and we want to get back to the normal. I offered vehemently to take the polygraph and she said she likes the idea and my willingness but will think about it since she does not want me to feel like a criminal. She still does not 100% believe me but she is trying. I am staying home tonight.

 

I also read on here to give her all my passwords, etc. which I did except for work passwords but she understood that. We called my ex and told her that it would be best if we no longer met up other than when necessary at work.

 

Now, I have the following dilemma..of whether or not I should reveal the following to my wife:

 

- I did more soul searching after the harsh truth pounding I received on this thread and realized that a part of me initially did entertain the thought of having my ex as a mistress. I work in an environment where A LOT of my colleagues have mistresses (ironically, a lot of paralegal and fellow new lawyer mistresses) and I was fairly young and thought it was the norm to be accepted. I get made fun of for being too vanilla.

 

- I did also have some unresolved what-if feelings for my ex. For a few months she was dating some guy and I just got jealous/did not like the guy.

 

- Also although nothing happened, my ex might have fancied me to a degree because she did make some gestures/comments such as:

- Always touching my shoulder and my knee/lower thigh if I was sitting down

- Occasionally did ask about my sex life and only ONCE made a joke about how I missed the boat because she is so flexible now that I would have loved it

- Made a joke about my wife's weird snorting sound she makes (I thought harmless)

- Asked me to take off her running shoes and socks since she pulled a muscle (felt awkward)

 

Will these things just hurt my wife? Also, are these things even suggestive or worthy to mention?

 

Please tell your wife. As long as these little flirtatious secrets are just between you and the OW, you two share something. It is your little dirty secret that the two of you share. Plus, I am sure your W will want to know that her so called "friend" talks about her behind her back. She is a threat to your M. The thought that what someone doesn't know doesn't hurt them is bull. Also, you and your W need to separate yourselves from this woman ASAP.

 

And of course you will be tempted by an x-lover. Most ppl would be.

 

Learn to avoid temptation While it’s natural to find someone attractive and even indulge in a bit of unintentional flirting, avoid taking it to the next step. As humans, we always want more, especially when it comes to sexual attraction. Would you ever be satisfied with just flirting, or just a kiss, or just heavy petting, or even just sex with one other person? When you step into the world of temptation, you’d always want more. Nothing can ever satisfy you.

If you’re attracted to a colleague at work, try to distance yourself slowly or cut down the flirty talk one bit at a time. It’s always better to draw a line and stay behind it, instead of crossing it and wishing you hadn’t.

[LivingWaterPlease]

- Also although nothing happened, my ex might have fancied me to a degree because she did make some gestures/comments such as:

- Always touching my shoulder and my knee/lower thigh if I was sitting down

- Occasionally did ask about my sex life and only ONCE made a joke about how I missed the boat because she is so flexible now that I would have loved it

- Made a joke about my wife's weird snorting sound she makes (I thought harmless)

- Asked me to take off her running shoes and socks since she pulled a muscle (felt awkward)

 

Will these things just hurt my wife? Also, are these things even suggestive or worthy to mention?

 

You've owned your feelings/possible intentions toward exGF, good for you! So not going to comment on them.

 

However, I find the above things your exGF has said and done (while befriending your W) to be nauseating.

 

Imo, your W should know about it. I really hope for her sake your wife will find another job so she doesn't have to work around this person. Personally, with what you've written above I wouldn't trust this woman for anything on any level.

 

Wishing you and W the best!

[ComingInHot]

Geez I was fr*ck8n Clairvoyant yesterday. OP, instead of denying or twisting /manipulating the cold hard truth. Use it to become a man Worthy of your Wife and kids. Not some ex who can offer not much more than a good lay with a bod that has NOT born your own heirs to your name.

She's an ex for a reason. And she's still single for a reason. The same way Your Wife is the 'marrying kind' & not the merry for now kind...

 

You've got one chance to become the better person. Don't blow it.

CiH*

[Spectre]

I don't think what you did was cheating, it was just lying. Still a huge betrayal. Though my problem is a lot of people saying how bad you are for lying seemed to skirt by issues like the fact your wife hit you. If this was a woman talking about how a man hit her after catching her in a lie..every single post would be touching on that point. Funny, isn't that? Double standards go both ways here I suppose, but at least this thread exists for reference whenever people begin posting about all the double standards against females.

Edited October 28, 2014 by Spectre

[meandmycats]

I join the general consensus here and suggest you straighten your back and spill the beans. It will prevent any future misunderstanding and possible distress for your wife.

 

 

Your 'ex' lover/friend/manipulator is definitely a threat to your marriage. Don't be so gullible. Flattery is something we all enjoy but not when it threatens the very foundations of our relationships.

 

 

As others have said, who gives a flying *uck what your colleagues think! As long as you do your job, leave it behind and go home to a woman who respects, admires and loves you, you have a thousand times MORE than your pathetic colleagues, who have to go home and lie to their wives everyday and look their kids in the eye knowing all the while who they REALLY are underneath all that *hit.

 

 

Rise above the mire, tell your 'ex' you will not engage with her on any more than a professional level, and if there is so much as a sniff of poor boundaries you will inform your wife, and STAY AWAY from the woman. She might well decide that you are a challenge, a trophy to be won. Don't fall for that *ollocks.

 

 

Tell your wife you've been a *wat, spill the beans, tell her everything, because despite what others might say about not telling her everything, if she finds out ANY little snippet later, you will have cooked your own goose by hiding the entire truth, and destroyed any chance that she will ever believe in you again.

 

 

If you do this, she of course will be upset initially, but in the long run she will respect you for having the balls to tell the truth. It will take some time to develop firmer foundations again because her boat has been rocked a bit, so you'll have to weather the storm with her, but it will be worth it.

 

 

If you want your marriage to be based on integrity, respect and a deep abiding love, then to have that kind of honest relationship, you have to BE honest.

[happyman64]

And attorneys are supposed to be honest right?

 

Have morals right?

 

You have been given a 2nd chance.

 

Do jot blow it. Not only love your wife but respect her and your marriage.

 

Your family is at stake.

 

Let the Ex go and live her life.

[Friskyone4u]

Well, you say nothing has happened between you and your ex. Ok, so tell your wife you are sorry for not disclosing the truth and offer to take a polygraph test for her to prove that you are not doing anything sexual with the same ex.

Your wife can then decide if she wants to terminate the friendship.

And by the way do you know all of your wife's history. You did not plan for the ex to reappear so I think so have been a little hard on you but you did not handle it right:

And by the way this is all not an excuse to make it ok for your wife to be hitting you or throwing things at you.

[painfullyobvious]

Anyone else wonder why his ex would not ask his wife early on about her last name and if she knew her ex boyfriend with the same last name?

[Spectre]

I think people overestimate how on target a polygraph can be when it comes to truly showing if you are lying. If it was that full proof polygraph's would be admissible as evidence in court, just like DNA testing, etc. Go watch the Penn and Teller Bullsh*t episode about lie detectors and how accurate they truly are.

[beach]

I think when you omitted the history from your wife you knew it would hurt her feelings.

 

But then you went forward with this and became good friends again with a gal you had major history with - keeping that from your wife as well.

 

It was about the cover up (still is since you contacted OW again behind your wife's back after discovery).

 

If you knew for sure there was NOTHING to hide you wouldn't have gone to such great lengths to hide this from your wife.

 

The lying and cover up was hurtful. Now your W isn't likely to trust you and trust to make new friends.

 

 

What is your plan to repair the damage you've caused - to restore the trust?

[HereNorThere]

The truth is that this guy has already changed his story with us several times along with changing the story with his wife.

 

So, how do we know we are getting the truth? Chances are that the new story about about how they flirted was a lie as well. Hopefully he's telling the truth, but given his history of lying, no one knows for sure what really happened and no one ever will.

[Spectre]

To be honest I'd say walk away. You've broken too much trust with her..and she has also shown her true colors via physically hitting you. Get out before she hits you again and this time you hit back. Since I can 100% guarantee you if you do most people would see you as the bad guy.

[merrmeade]

Wait a minute.

 

It all ultimately comes down to how much truth is right. Oxymoron? Of course. Can there be too much honesty? There is much to discuss for this marriage to survive and trust to be re-established.

 

I'm no expert at making this work. My H actually said at the end of our last MC session that everyone needs some privacy and he would never snoop in my email. I am very clear about it and cannot begin to imagine how he isn't. So that's my "IMHO" caveat right off the bat.

 

However, without providing further qualifications other than the purity of the argument's own merits, I will simply say that in a relationship of trust, honesty is a given.

 

So that still leaves lots of questions that everybody here is answering according to the convenience and perceived utility of the situation. How can any manipulation of truth work? Ultimately, any knowing omission WILL COME OUT and will be another knife to her heart that you consciously wielded. Nobody lies that well. People have already held up all kinds of inconsistencies in what you've said.

 

I have wished that my H would have embraced confession like a lifevest and spewed every possible twist of truth he ever laid on me, but I know it's like wishing for snow on the Amazon. But I can dream - and hope someone else will make it happen. There's a scene like this in "Our Idiot Brother," an unmemorable but quotable film in which the well-meaning stoner brother has unwittingly outed the lies and deception in his sisters' relationships and ventures, forcing each one to embrace truth as the solution rather than the cause of their unhappiness. Toward the end, one of the sisters, who has cheated on her lesbian partner and is now pregnant, confesses to her partner's voicemail every tiny lie she ever said in their relationship. It conveys the spirit behind the ideal remorseful WS's effort to disclose.

 

There simply is more wrong here than unspoken thoughts, but unspoken thoughts and feelings - fully, freely and sincerely given - will do more in the long run to gaining your wife's trust for good. If you can do it, if that's the person you want to be and if that's the kind of relationship you want to have.

Edited October 30, 2014 by merrmeade

[Spectre]

Yeah everyone does need some privacy. But..when it comes to you and members of the opposite sex you have ZERO PRIVACY, period. At least, that is how it is if you are married or in a relationship.

[Darren Steez]

I was not implying that from my comments. I was simply stating that objectively, my ex is in better shape and more successful than my wife. That honestly cannot be argued against in a matter of fact. I even told my wife this when she asked.

 

However, I love my wife. She is the most important person in my life. Isn't that what is ultimately what counts?

 

As far as the lying, I agree, I can see how I was foolish to keep on denying but my intentions were honestly good. My wife does not have many friends and I did not want to cost her one. I should have came clean from the start. However, her accusing me right now about an ongoing affair is just not fair. I have been a loving husband all along (no late nights, etc.).

 

But you lie. Repeatedly. So you got your answer, yes she is justified in being angry, the two people she trusted the most lied to her. You have broken the trust, so really not a lot out of your mouth is going to convince her otherwise.

 

You may not have cheated but that's the consequence of lying.

[beach]

Be honest. Did you ever kiss or touch the old girlfriend at all since she's been back on the scene again? Ever?

[road]

I just read the 1st page today. no need to read more.

 

 

You lied.

 

 

You broke NC.

 

 

You are an attorney wife no ethics.

 

 

Throw in a little conspiracy and aiding and abetting for you got your ex to lie to your wife.

Edited November 5, 2014 by road

[revelations]

Oldliesareback, sounds like a bit of a mess. I find it funny that if a guy is upset about his wife's past he is insecure or my favorite line is "Her past is not your business", heck you guys know all of the stuff that is said. However in this case since the woman is upset about the past, well we need to hang the guy.

 

Okay first thing first, by not telling your wife that is a lie through omission. Bottom line is a lie is still a lie. If I had a wife (which will never happen again) I would want to know if one of her ex-lovers is hanging around with either of us. Truthfully if we just bump into her ex-lover at the store or mall I would want to know. For me it is about respecting your current lover our spouse. Now your wife did over react a lot. I can understand her being upset, however that is no excuse to hit you. Some people are more forgiving about violence than others, for me violence is and automatic divorce not questions asked.

 

In your case I think you have been doing the right thing. Offer to answer any of her questions. The only thing that bothers me is that your wife became violent. So if anything I would also address that issue with her. You were in the wrong for not telling your wife that her new friend was your ex-lover. However your wife was dead wrong to hit you. So in short, you did lie which was wrong. Your wife hit your which to me is as bad or worse than the lie (that one is always up in the air for me). So since your willing to take a polygraph then your wife should be willing to take some anger management classes.

 

Now read all of the comments left on this page. Look at how they comment when the situations is the woman that is lying or making the mistake compared to the man. This is very common double standard here and in society in general. With the exception of one person, all others ignored the fact that your wife hit you. Do you think they would ignore it if it was you hitting her? You did not tell your wife that her friend was an ex-lover of yours and everyone is wanting to skin you alive for that. However when a wife does not tell her husband that an ex-lover of hers is hanging around them, then it is none of his business. They say things like "The past is the past", "She chose you" or "It's none of your business". Some can argue that a spouse has no business knowing about the other spouses past. Truth is that if a spouse (man or woman) is not willing to share about their past then they have something to hide. This is not trusting your spouse. I have always been honest about my past, however I have never been with a woman that was honest about her past. It is truly scary the double standards on this forum and in society. If anyone wants to know another good reason I stopped dating, well this is it. I wish you luck with your wife and hope it turns out well for you.