Lied about having a relationship with wife's best friend before meeting her is cheati

[LivingWaterPlease]

Wonder why it didn't occur to your exGF when she befriended your wife at work that your wife might be married to her exBF?

 

I mean, your exGF surely had gotten well-acquainted with your wife enough to know she was married to an attorney. And your exGF obviously knew your wife's last name. And surely your wife had mentioned a few things about you to her new GF at work.

 

Seems it would have been natural for exGF to have asked somewhere along the way before meeting you,

 

"Btw, are you possibly related to Oldiesareback?" Unless your last name is very common (e.g., Smith) that would have been one of my first questions.

 

The way your exGF handled this is odd from the get go. And then, honestly, it's hard to believe that BOTH you and exGF would be dishonest enough to make the same decision of not telling your wife the two of you had dated previously once you each realized whom the other was.

 

It's very odd that your exGF went along with this scheme. This entire situation is very odd in the way it played out from the start.

[ComingInHot]

Wonder why it didn't occur to your exGF when she befriended your wife at work that your wife might be married to her exBF?

 

I mean, your exGF surely had gotten well-acquainted with your wife enough to know she was married to an attorney. And your exGF obviously knew your wife's last name. And surely your wife had mentioned a few things about you to her new GF at work.

 

Seems it would have been natural for exGF to have asked somewhere along the way before meeting you,

 

"Btw, are you possibly related to Oldiesareback?" Unless your last name is very common (e.g., Smith) that would have been one of my first questions.

 

The way your exGF handled this is odd from the get go. And then, honestly, it's hard to believe that BOTH you and exGF would be dishonest enough to make the same decision of not telling your wife the two of you had dated previously once you each realized whom the other was.

 

It's very odd that your exGF went along with this scheme. This entire situation is very odd in the way it played out from the start.

 

 

I'd have to agree with the above. If it smells like fish, it's probably fish... Fairly sure there is some 'information' that has not been divulged to this thread regarding how 'close' the OP and his exLover actually became ergo the thread topic posed as a question regarding ' is this cheating' as opposed to a non-defensive statement. Because, at this point, there is really no reason to be defensive at all as it only makes his story that much more suspicious, not to his wife but to me too. HHhhhmmmm, wonder what they talked about on their daily/weekly jobs?

[oldshirt]

absolutely she is. she now has every right to believe you wanted to reignite your old flame. i see nothing else here that says otherwise.

 

please explain why you would not say (on the ride home): "uh hon i hit that in college". then SHE could decide how to move forward.

 

Why wait that long? I think any normal person would've been standing there with their mouth hanging open at the initial introduction saying, "wow what are the chances of this happening???"

 

The only reason to through all this trouble and effort of a conspiracy and cover up is if there was an alternative agenda behind it.

 

OP was/is hoping to get into her drawers again at some point. There is no other logical explanation.

[Day.One]

OP, yup you done fcked up.

 

I can't even begin how you're ever (if ever) going to come back from this. It's like you had an unconscious checklist on how to how to destroy your Wife's trust, and ticked every box.

 

I also think something's off about your Ex and her failing, or appearing to fail, to figure out that you are you are before you 'accidentally' met.

 

Fortunately i only have one ex, and when Wife and I moved back to the small town that the ex still lived in and still moved in the circle of friends i had here, i made damn sure she knew everything about the ex, what we had, how it finished. That i no longer found her attractive, that Wife had done more, accomplished more, and lived more and that I was over her.

 

It became a non-issue. Now we all hang out (the two of them even gang up on me and give me siht for fun!), and i have gone dog walking with the ex. Wife is fine with it, BECAUSE I WAS OPEN AND HONEST WITH HER FROM THE START!!!

 

Hell, i even had dinner with my ex, the night before i sat down for my first meeting with my Wife since we separated. Why, because my ex 'gets' me, and can call me out when i BS. The only other woman who does. I was able to 'dry run' the meeting i was to have the next day with my Wife.

 

I was honest to my ex about why we were going out to dinner, and i was honest with my Wife the next day about having been out to dinner with my ex and why.

 

Wife was fine with it, BECAUSE I WAS OPEN AND HONEST WITH HER FROM THE START!!!

 

 

It could have been that simple. You could have had a loving, trusting Wife and an ex who is a good friend to you both.

 

But, you fcked up. You weren't honest with your Wife, At any time.

 

And i think you weren't honest with yourself. About how you feel about your ex, and how she feels about you.

[HereNorThere]

Yeah man, at first I wanted to believe you had good intentions, but you just keep lying over and over. How could anyone in your life believe anything you've said.

 

Ugh, can you possibly be any worse at making decisions? You seriously need a therapist ASAP to figure out what's wrong with you.

 

Can you blame your wife? You've done absolutely nothing to make things better. In fact, you've done the opposite. Even healthy people lie time to time, but you're a compulsive liar. No person in their right might would stay with someone who is bad at making decisions as you are.

[Silveron]

Now if it was the other way around and I wonder how many would be saying the 'betrayed' man is over sensitive and probably controlling on top of it to be making such accusations?

 

 

When you talk to her wife let her know of your 'intentions'. When you talk to her, listen to her. Don't interrupt. Say 'I undersand' to a lot of her statements even if you don't agree with them. Let her know that you will go NC with the ex.

 

 

I'm not saying you were going to cheat, perhaps others on here have that outlook, but you didn't help your case from not being honest from the start. Even if anything happened with the ex, it would have never lasted, relationships that start under stress, don't last long.

 

 

Perhaps the idea of counseling would benefit you and perhaps your wife.

[spanz1]

go get a polygraph with your wife watching to prove you have had NO contract with this ex GF since you two broke up long before you met the wife. That should quell her anxiety and maybe she will believe your story about why you lied.

 

that is about all you can do. From her point of view....yeah i would assume you two were cheating also. You could have just said, "OMG, your friend and i used to date, what a coincidence" and it would have been over and done with long ago. Now you have this longstanding lie to explain away.

[the_artist_1970]

OMG!! Now your saying how much better looking and smart your exlover/jogging partner is than Your Wife?!!?

Let me ask you, how long have you been wanting to get back into your ex's pants? Before Your Wife had YOUR babies and trashed her body for your offspring, or after?

 

Seriously though, your argument would get you thrown out of court, do you see this yet??

 

Exactly! This is a hit below his wife's belt. OMG

[Standard-Fare]

Yeah, so everyone's established that the OP made a big mistake in concealing the details about his ex to his wife. It seems like he's fully aware of that.

But everyone's just criticizing his past actions and not offering any solutions for what he should do now.

 

Maybe that's because he probably just has to sit tight and let his wife have the next move.

 

OP, I'd just make sure that you have explained yourself FULLY to your wife, owned up to your mistakes, and apologized profusely. If I were in her shoes and I believed that you genuinely just behaved like a doofus and made a mistake, I'd find it in my heart to forgive you.

 

Your ex (her friend) must also be saying the same sort of things... so hopefully your wife gets to the point where she can trust it. I think this one will just take some time.

[beach]

I'm shaking my head.

 

What, exactly, is the reason why you needed to contact that other woman after your wife discovered? To cover up MORE lies?

 

That what it appears to be. You chose to contact the OW over considering your wife's feelings.

 

Do you think you have any way of being honest? What would that look like for you?

 

What do you plan to change about yourself and your life in order to earn trust back and repair the damage you've caused?

 

 

Jogging with the ex while not having been honest with your wife makes it look like you have made the ex your OW.

 

Yes, I would assume you have had sex with her while pretending to go jogging. It's a reasonable thought by your W considering you both were already lying to her.

 

You've REALLY hurt your wife.

 

Do not attempt to reconcile unless you intend to learn to be an honest guy... And that means 100% of the time.

 

Offer to take a polygraph. And don't EVER contact the OW ever again!!! That's a start.

[HereNorThere]

I don't think it's the fact that he concealed their previous relationship that bothers people. I mean, crappy thing to do, but I've seen worse. The problem is that dude keeps lying, over and over and started a relationship with this woman. Notice, I didn't say romantic relationship, but a relationship none the less. Does anyone believe this guys story? I mean, how could anyone? His whole post is nothing but minimizing, trickle truth and crap. I'd like to think he's genuinely telling the truth, but there's no way anyone could know for sure. He's a compulsive liar. Regardless of romantic intent, when you figure out someone is capable of this you have two choices: run, or live the rest of your life looking over your shoulder.

 

Truth is, with as bad at lying as this dude is, I'm sure the wife just got fed up with all of it. No matter what happens, no one who knows this guy believes a word he says.

 

And her friend is just as guilty. Shameful that she would go along with and then start a relationship with her husband.

 

On the surface it seems simple, but I'm not stupid. There's soooo much more going on here.

 

Whether or not it's as innocent as he says matters not. Neither one of them can be trusted at all. His wife deserves better.

Edited October 27, 2014 by HereNorThere

[ComingInHot]

I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that exG/F/jogging partner/lying pal is STILL in cahoots and communicating while Hubs is banned to the hotel room. I understand they are talking about 'how to fix this' together but them even being near each other let alone talking miles apart is only going to make things worse.

He knows His Wife well enough to know this this. He IS an educated man...

 

I don't think OP liked all the posts handing him his pride along with the truth to him on a silver platter.

Maybe he'll call is Wife's BFF and talk about it?

I'm out on this *

[merrmeade]

These posts may seem rough but that's because, like most people, you've coasted by without consequences for your white lies. Lies by omission. It's become a way of life you don't question, a boundary you blurred ages ago. You make decisions unilaterally. You don't question keeping secrets from her. You only share what part of the truth you must with other people and don't question doing it with your spouse.

 

That's how you got yourself into this mess. Then, to get out of it, you call the ex to discuss it with her? That was throwing the baby out with the bath.

 

There's no explanation will save this for the reasons given.

 

The only pro-active thing you can do is the polygraph with your wife there.

 

If she agrees to reconcile, then you work on articulating the values you each assumed about your marriage. You question everything you took for granted, not just the particulars of this situation. You start over and define the marriage you thought you had and make yourself the husband you want to be.

[Oldliesareback]

After work tonight I called my wife and asked if I could come over and she said yes. I went over (with wine, flowers, and chocolate) and we talked for a while about everything.

 

Truth is everything was good before this whole ordeal and we want to get back to the normal. I offered vehemently to take the polygraph and she said she likes the idea and my willingness but will think about it since she does not want me to feel like a criminal. She still does not 100% believe me but she is trying. I am staying home tonight.

 

I also read on here to give her all my passwords, etc. which I did except for work passwords but she understood that. We called my ex and told her that it would be best if we no longer met up other than when necessary at work.

 

Now, I have the following dilemma..of whether or not I should reveal the following to my wife:

 

- I did more soul searching after the harsh truth pounding I received on this thread and realized that a part of me initially did entertain the thought of having my ex as a mistress. I work in an environment where A LOT of my colleagues have mistresses (ironically, a lot of paralegal and fellow new lawyer mistresses) and I was fairly young and thought it was the norm to be accepted. I get made fun of for being too vanilla.

 

- I did also have some unresolved what-if feelings for my ex. For a few months she was dating some guy and I just got jealous/did not like the guy.

 

- Also although nothing happened, my ex might have fancied me to a degree because she did make some gestures/comments such as:

- Always touching my shoulder and my knee/lower thigh if I was sitting down

- Occasionally did ask about my sex life and only ONCE made a joke about how I missed the boat because she is so flexible now that I would have loved it

- Made a joke about my wife's weird snorting sound she makes (I thought harmless)

- Asked me to take off her running shoes and socks since she pulled a muscle (felt awkward)

 

Will these things just hurt my wife? Also, are these things even suggestive or worthy to mention?

[purplesorrow]

Have you resolved your what ifs? My husband telling me he had thoughts about a coworker could have prevented his affair. It only grew and festered because of the secrecy. I hope your wife is dumping the 'friend' as well.

[HereNorThere]

If you have feelings for her or something happened, tell your wife.

 

If you just romantized the thought for a moment, didn't act on it and realize how dangerous even just those thoughts were .... You shut your mouth and think your lucky stars you didn't just destroy your life over a hook-up.

[BeholdtheMan]

- I work in an environment where A LOT of my colleagues have mistresses (ironically, a lot of paralegal and fellow new lawyer mistresses) and I was fairly young and thought it was the norm to be accepted. I get made fun of for being too vanilla.

 

Who gives a f*ck about what your adulterous colleagues think? Why would you care. Your colleagues aren't your friends if they encourage you to cheat.

 

The mark of a b*tch is doing things not for yourself but for the approval of others...to feel accepted by a bunch of a-holes who don't give two sh*ts about your marriage

 

These colleagues who make fun of you for being "too vanilla" are not your friends. If someone makes fun of you for being "square" because you refuse to smoke crack with him, is that person a friend? Would you care about that scumbag's opinion of you?

 

Peer pressure would be the most moronic reason for starting an affair. I don't believe your character is that weak...is it?

 

- I did also have some unresolved what-if feelings for my ex. For a few months she was dating some guy and I just got jealous/did not like the guy.

 

- Also although nothing happened, my ex might have fancied me to a degree because she did make some gestures/comments such as:

- Always touching my shoulder and my knee/lower thigh if I was sitting down

- Occasionally did ask about my sex life and only ONCE made a joke about how I missed the boat because she is so flexible now that I would have loved it

- Made a joke about my wife's weird snorting sound she makes (I thought harmless)

- Asked me to take off her running shoes and socks since she pulled a muscle (felt awkward)

 

If the tables were turned, how would you feel? Put yourself in your wife's shoes

 

Will these things just hurt my wife? Also, are these things even suggestive or worthy to mention?

 

Of course...but she'll also respect you for having the balls to tell her the truth. What you've been doing so far (deceit and lies) is the opposite of manly.

[beach]

 

Now, I have the following dilemma..of whether or not I should reveal the following to my wife:

 

- I did more soul searching after the harsh truth pounding I received on this thread and realized that a part of me initially did entertain the thought of having my ex as a mistress. I work in an environment where A LOT of my colleagues have mistresses (ironically, a lot of paralegal and fellow new lawyer mistresses) and I was fairly young and thought it was the norm to be accepted. I get made fun of for being too vanilla.

 

- I did also have some unresolved what-if feelings for my ex. For a few months she was dating some guy and I just got jealous/did not like the guy.

 

- Also although nothing happened, my ex might have fancied me to a degree because she did make some gestures/comments such as:

- Always touching my shoulder and my knee/lower thigh if I was sitting down

- Occasionally did ask about my sex life and only ONCE made a joke about how I missed the boat because she is so flexible now that I would have loved it

- Made a joke about my wife's weird snorting sound she makes (I thought harmless)

- Asked me to take off her running shoes and socks since she pulled a muscle (felt awkward)

 

Will these things just hurt my wife? Also, are these things even suggestive or worthy to mention?

 

Yes those would hurt your wife!

 

That woman has been gross with you!

 

And when ANY woman is criticizing your wife, disrespecting your marriage and trying to tempt you - it's YOUR JOB to speak up and say they are being completely inappropriate!

 

You allowed her to make fun of your wife! It looks like that woman befriended your wife to get closer to you. She is NOT a friend of your marriage.

 

Can your wife get a new job so she doesn't have to see this woman any longer?

 

Start defending your marriage and your wife if you love her like you say you do.

[JS84]

Honestly those last bits are something I wouldn't mention unless she says she wants more details. If she does, be absolutely honest. But I wouldn't volunteer that info in your shoes.

[whichwayisup]

After work tonight I called my wife and asked if I could come over and she said yes. I went over (with wine, flowers, and chocolate) and we talked for a while about everything.

 

Truth is everything was good before this whole ordeal and we want to get back to the normal. I offered vehemently to take the polygraph and she said she likes the idea and my willingness but will think about it since she does not want me to feel like a criminal. She still does not 100% believe me but she is trying. I am staying home tonight.

This is a start. You have a lot of work to do to prove to your wife that you can be trustworthy, but the more I read, I see that you do have lingering feeling (unresolved feelings for your ex. But why? It was so long ago!)

 

I hope you resolve those feelings quickly and put your wife first.

I also read on here to give her all my passwords, etc. which I did except for work passwords but she understood that. We called my ex and told her that it would be best if we no longer met up other than when necessary at work.

 

You can forward any emails (that are personal in nature) to your wife if the ex sends you anything beyond professional. Does your ex have your work email? If so, why? You need to ask your IT department (if you can't do it yourself) to block her from your email. There's absolutely no reason for her to contact you that way..Let alone anyway. Have you spoken to ex to tell her not to call/email/text anymore? That it is over? If you haven't I'm sure your wife will.

 

Now, I have the following dilemma..of whether or not I should reveal the following to my wife:

 

- I did more soul searching after the harsh truth pounding I received on this thread and realized that a part of me initially did entertain the thought of having my ex as a mistress. I work in an environment where A LOT of my colleagues have mistresses (ironically, a lot of paralegal and fellow new lawyer mistresses) and I was fairly young and thought it was the norm to be accepted. I get made fun of for being too vanilla.

 

DO NOT cave into peer pressure from your co workers. WTF. Who cares if they think you're vanilla. DO NOT take a mistress, let alone your ex. That's just stupid and asking for trouble, to cheat and betray your wife, hurt her in the worst way? for what? Show off to those at work that you can be cool and be a cheater? Give that some thought and put it in perspective. Don't follow the crowd!

 

- I did also have some unresolved what-if feelings for my ex. For a few months she was dating some guy and I just got jealous/did not like the guy.

Get over it.

And, who she dates is none of your business, you have no right to be jealous.

 

- Also although nothing happened, my ex might have fancied me to a degree because she did make some gestures/comments such as:

- Always touching my shoulder and my knee/lower thigh if I was sitting down

- Occasionally did ask about my sex life and only ONCE made a joke about how I missed the boat because she is so flexible now that I would have loved it

- Made a joke about my wife's weird snorting sound she makes (I thought harmless)

- Asked me to take off her running shoes and socks since she pulled a muscle (felt awkward)

 

Your ex knows what's what, she ain't stupid, she was flirting with you and testing you to see what would happen. Ego related too. She DID put your wife down and hoped you'd side with her, say something not so nice. STOP sharing details about your wife with her. NO MORE PERSONAL chat, let alone flirting. Those days are over. Your wife and sex life is off limits so set the boundaries and make it clear to your ex that you are NOT interested and for love of God, do NOT tell your ex any of what you feel!

 

And yes it'll hurt her. What do you think she'd be happy that you are kind of lusting after your ex and feeling jealous when ex is dating someone?

Edited October 28, 2014 by whichwayisup

[petee]

Mate, you have got to be kidding, right? You've had the 'what if......I wonder I'd we could....' type scenarios and you are thinking on telling her? Would you be happy if your wife said the same to you about one of her exes? Do not dig any deeper, an ex that ended on good terms will always attract those emotions, only a fool or fire starter would act on them. A mistress, because all all the other boys at work have them? Mate if you are honestly wired up that way divorce yourself, sue yourself and use yourself as the solicitor. BOOM. Do all the other boys take drugs as well? Does that mean you should?

 

I think the position you are in is difficult, if your wife doesn't make friends easily and they clicked you got put in a no-win position. I'd have done what you did, but social media is so often the judge and jury now. What idiot posts a picture of their mate from years ago when they know you are married to someone else?

 

Your Mrs needs extra TLC, she needs you to help her over this, she needs you to immediately destroy any doubts, but you need to develop some common sense, empathy and humility. She asked for none of this, but then neither did you. If my wife had a friend post an intimate type of pic on FB I'd be hurt. I don't think that will happen as there's only one that she was close with in her previous life (female), and whilst I personally will never like her I believe she didn't like my wife' ex.

 

Enough, back to you mate. You have dark clouds aloft, but not forever, not forever. Eat the humble pie, assess reassess and reassure.

 

Jogging, that was an own goal. Thinking about a little fumble, well that's our wiring and hormones. Thankfully you had enough sense not to do so and can happily keep those thoughts to yourself. Inappropriate, and definitely counter productive to tell her them.

 

In the States it sounds like people just want to throw money at head doctors and self flagelete. In the UK we don't, a ball acne between the two would be the ideal.

 

 

So, a muddled response here. You can climb out of this to live happily ever after; use your head - and on any choices/ decisions you have to make think about how you'd like it done to you by your wife ( the woman you love).

Oh, and take the polygraph in front of her, it is necessary to get things quickly back on track.

Note to self, grow up. This is someone you love, someone's daughter and the mother of some very special children.

[petee]

I can not delete this in toto so I'm overwriting it. Sorry

Edited October 28, 2014 by petee

[stillmind]

I think you should tell your wife that the OW was flirting with you and that you had feelings for her. I think you should tell her because the OW was your wife's "friend", and your wife shouldn't feel guilty about cutting OW out of her life. This ex was flirting with you, making sexual comments, testing the waters, and these are not the actions of a true friend.

 

If you don't tell your wife and she resumes this "friendship" without knowing, I think you are just perpetuating the collusion and lying by omission that led to this mess in the first place. If you don't tell and your wife founds out (she will), any trust she has regained will be broken.

[beatcuff]

...I did more soul searching after the harsh truth pounding I received on this thread and realized that a part of me initially did entertain the thought of having my ex as a mistress.

 

thank you for being honest with yourself and us.

 

but BEFORE you disclose this to your W you need to answer those questions. otherwise W will only conclude you want OW and move towards D.

 

every person from time to time are tempted by the 'other side' that does not mean we will act. its time for more reflection before going to the next step.

 

if you decide it was a 'moment of weakness' and is now gone, i would not mention it.

[Redheaded Mistress]

- I did more soul searching after the harsh truth pounding I received on this thread and realized that a part of me initially did entertain the thought of having my ex as a mistress. I work in an environment where A LOT of my colleagues have mistresses (ironically, a lot of paralegal and fellow new lawyer mistresses) and I was fairly young and thought it was the norm to be accepted. I get made fun of for being too vanilla.

 

Tell your wife. Leave off the "because my friends do it" angle. Not only do I doubt it's true, but she won't care and you'll sound like a liar.

 

- I did also have some unresolved what-if feelings for my ex. For a few months she was dating some guy and I just got jealous/did not like the guy.

 

Tell your wife.

 

- Also although nothing happened, my ex might have fancied me to a degree because she did make some gestures/comments such as:

- Always touching my shoulder and my knee/lower thigh if I was sitting down

- Occasionally did ask about my sex life and only ONCE made a joke about how I missed the boat because she is so flexible now that I would have loved it

- Made a joke about my wife's weird snorting sound she makes (I thought harmless)

- Asked me to take off her running shoes and socks since she pulled a muscle (felt awkward)

 

Tell your wife.

 

Will these things just hurt my wife? Also, are these things even suggestive or worthy to mention?

 

Yes.

 

And yes, they're worth mentioning. If you have any hope of proving you're honest, you have to be honest.

 

If the friend tells her before you do, your name is mud.