Snooped through BF's e-mails- really hurt

[sunshine0274]

Marriage & Life Partnerships might be better since your issue isn't really the child. You'll get good advice there. Hit "alert us" and ask Mods to move it.

 

I think he's being so immature. How is your relationship with his parents? I know the aunt is on your side but you haven't mentioned anyone else. He needs good people around him. That friend.. yuck.

 

 

 

I have a great relationship with his parents. His stepmother especially, who raised him. She is so angry and disgusted with him, but, I am not interested in turning his family against him and causing drama. She and I consider each other very good friends too, so I felt comfortable telling her what was going on and he knew I was going to talk to her eventually. We had plans to go to see his family next month and I needed to tell her that was off the table.

 

 

Truthfully though, your parents can tell you one thing and try to lead you in the right direction, but ultimately, people do what they want to. She told me he wasn't raised like this, but doesn't matter. He still is causing chaos.

 

 

His "friend" was recently kicked out of the military for fostering a hostile environment. So, yeahhhh...great influence.

[truncated]

Too many women ask the same questions, even though the results are the same. The more important question to me to you is; why even bother asking a question you won't understand?

 

You...like a lot of women, will NEVER understand men. You have this idea, this philosophy of how men think and feel and when they act outside of that you're actually "surprised".

 

The man never wanted a "family" with you in the first place. So why are you holding something against him that he never even wanted with YOU or possibly anyone else, in the first place?

 

Do you think that man care that you are a "good woman" and a "great mom" just for the sake of being so? no, they have to actually want to be WITH YOU, they actually have to LOVE YOU.

 

This guy doesn't love you, this guy doesn't even care...he's there because he has to be...and please, for the sake of sparing me with the typical BS...you act like he can just stroll out the door without any consequence or guilt trips, like he isn't "obligated", but every guy will feel that way in his position...that's why it's this slow yo-yo of a process until he finally cuts the cord...because he has to contend with the what he should do versus what he wants to do...which is what he wants to do is leave.

 

And yes I'm sure as he is there with his own flesh and blood of a daughter that a PART of him wants to be there, but he will NEVER be there as a WHOLE MAN. The man will always think and feel outside of this relationship...he didn't CHOOSE YOU, you got PREGNANT...that's what changed, otherwise you'd just be another face in the history books of women he slept with and moved on from.

 

So stop trying to manipulate the man with guilt trips and trying to make him feel "bad"...because you're rubbing it in his face that he's got a good woman, a good mom, and a "family"...all of which he DIDN'T ASK FOR! I don't get why you don't get that...he doesn't want this, that's why he acts this way...he doesn't leave because life isn't that simple, especially with a BABY IN THE PICTURE.

 

How in the hell can the guy just get up and walk away pretending like nothing ever happened? that's a process for men...it's like going to work at a place you don't really want to work, you don't go because you WANT TO, but because the bills don't stop coming just because you don't want to work at that job...it's a catch 22 situation.

 

Your first HUGE clue about this guy was when you got pregnant. Now I don't know why you got pregnant but you can be damn sure as a man I question that...I hope you have a clear conscience on that one because too many women say "well, if you're having sex with me, then you accept the consequences of making a baby" all the while they know they're fooling around with BC or taking medication that might interfere with that or what not...but apart of them doesn't mind if an "accident" happen...at 34 I've seen this happen to a lot of foolish men...women plays dumb about or even assures him she doesn't want to get pregnant or cannot and oops! there's magically a baby in the oven...must have been Jesus I guess.

 

But the first huge flag of this guy not being invested was when he walked away when you got pregnant. That was all I needed to know as a man, because at this point to me that's all the gesture or sign from the gods that you need. The man wasn't invested, he didn't want this and he walked away...he came back for other reasons than his love for you or desire to have a family...so this was all predictable IMO after that point...yes yes, even though he came back and told you this or that, that's what all guys pretty much do anyway, ask around...doesn't mean they're actually going to be happy and want this, they just feel obligated.

 

For the sake of your own life and stability in your daughters...get rid of the guy. You accepted that you would be alone anyway? great! that's perfect because now you're already prepared...now just stop making excuses and farting around with this guy because he's not going to come out and tell you to your face he doesn't want to be there, he clearly doesn't want to be from everything he's done IMO...WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED! stop doing the typical woman thing and waiting for this certification/notarized document where he needs to spell out every word in every way just so you can believe it, stop being naive, you're not 12 years old...read the writing on the wall because most guys can't get to that point without a lot of motivation and failure first and by the time he does tell you you're going to have all this crap happening in between.

 

Break up with him or actually, just let him go and do what he wants to do anyway and tell him he isn't welcome back. Stop playing games, this is not about your love, this is about the baby if anything at all. You're not going to have the picture perfect family, he's not going to just "come around"...if you figure that out you're already smarter than 50 percent of women out there at the very least. Stop chasing him, stop manipulating him (please don't start BSing me, just don't even try)because it's clear you want this, but you never had it to begin with.

 

So many guys are stuck in relationships/marriages for reasons like this, they don't walk away, they just drag on and carry on like zombies doing what a "man has to do" for the sake of doing what is "right". They aren't happy though, they usually fool around at one point or another guaranteed, and whatever it is you think you have and you are working on is not what it really is...so you can just be another delusional woman who doesn't know anything about men and needs to constantly lie to herself to "fight for the relationship" and have a guy within himself feeling forced to being there (because they will come back, they will try again, they have to, OR you can take responsibility for your own life, take responsibility for your own family (you and your daughter) and make decisions that serve the both of you, rather than using her or the "family" idea (which includes him) that gives you an endless excuse to pounding your own dirt in the face because in reality it's what YOU WANT.

 

If you're worth more than this guy, if family means that much to you, if you have better values than what this guy serves, if you are a strong, independent women...then PROVE IT, prove it to yourself and everyone else because it's easier said than done.

 

maybe, if this guy didn't want to have kids, he could have kept it in his pants, or, barring that, taken some RESPONSIBILITY for his actions and use a form of prophalaxis that was within his power to control i.e.: condoms, vasectomy.

Otherwise, i's like spraying your hand with OFF, then shoing it into a hornets nest and then whining when you get stung.

 

This isn't to say that a man should feel oblgated to stay in a relationship where is is miserble simply becuase of a child, but but it also doesn't give him the right to act like a tool because he's unhappy. Instead of acting like a ittle baby boy who whines because mommy won't let him out to play, he should man up, say what he is thinking and feleing, then should he feel tht leaving is what's right, go. don't just waffle around, sleeping with a piece on the side because he's to chickensh@t to speak up.

btw, op, a lot of guys in the miltary ( and a lot od women) cheat. There's almost a culture of it.

[Anderlie]

I'm glad you're sorting the legalities and it's nice to see you're not trying to start drama with his family. Sounds like the dude can do that well enough on his own. I'm no psychic but if you can keep things relatively peaceful like they are now (note: relatively) I think you're going to come out of this pretty well. Being a single mum is no picnic but you sound like you're preparing for it pretty well.

[Robert]

Thread is now open again. Moderation will determine the LS Guidelines and asks that ALL members keep to the original topic. Thank you.

Edited November 8, 2014 by Robert

[GirlStillStrong]

You sound like a really strong woman with a good head on your shoulders! Good for you! I'm sorry you and your daughter have to go through all this. It does sound like he is rather confused and needs more life experience and time to feel his own feelings, before he can figure out what his values are. Sounds like he would do well with a therapist or counselor's help with this.

 

It's unfortunate but so common that the person you have a child or children with turn out to be someone you are not truly compatible with. This may be the case with you and the baby's dad. So glad you are handling this so well and reaching out to others to talk about it.

 

Frankly, I see that you did nothing wrong reading his emails. If it was that important to him that you not see them, he would have made sure you couldn't. I think he left them unsecured like that just so that you would.

[GirlStillStrong]

I just saw this [i should have known. I am angry because we were in such a good place when she was born, as friends. We agreed to co-parent and get along and do the right thing. There was no need to come back like this, him telling me that he wants more children, wants a commitment, wants to buy a house together and be together. NO NEED. We were fine the way we were. Now, the relationship of friends with respect for one another is destroyed.]

 

And I want to say, give it time. Let the anger pass. It may be too soon yet but work towards forgiveness. He sounds confused. Really. So many people believe that what they are supposed to do in life is get married, have children, go to work, and live the family life, that they commit to this because it is so ingrained in us. Not everyone is meant to do this. I'm not condoning his behavior or agreeing with what he's done. I just have had so many friends divorce after having children.

 

(hugs) and happy belated birthday.

[sunshine0274]

I just saw this [i should have known. I am angry because we were in such a good place when she was born, as friends. We agreed to co-parent and get along and do the right thing. There was no need to come back like this, him telling me that he wants more children, wants a commitment, wants to buy a house together and be together. NO NEED. We were fine the way we were. Now, the relationship of friends with respect for one another is destroyed.]

 

And I want to say, give it time. Let the anger pass. It may be too soon yet but work towards forgiveness. He sounds confused. Really. So many people believe that what they are supposed to do in life is get married, have children, go to work, and live the family life, that they commit to this because it is so ingrained in us. Not everyone is meant to do this. I'm not condoning his behavior or agreeing with what he's done. I just have had so many friends divorce after having children.

 

(hugs) and happy belated birthday.

 

 

 

Thank you! I am working on the anger for sure. I think once the dust settles, I will think more clearly and hopefully he will too. He has a few months left, so if he wants to squander them away in this manner rather than spend time with his baby, there is nothing I can do. Nothing I do is the "right" thing to him. If I tell him he can leave for good, I am implying that I will block him from her life. If I tell him he can come see her or inform him of what she is doing (emergency room, etc.), I am manipulating him into getting over. If I ask him to leave at a certain time from my house, I am kicking him out. I cannot win and no matter what I do, I am considered a b**ch and am "crazy". It's a no won situation.

 

 

So, I am not going to do anything. No reaching out, nothing. He has been home for 2 days now and didn't ask about our baby and how she is feeling, so there is something to be said for that.

[sunshine0274]

You sound like a really strong woman with a good head on your shoulders! Good for you! I'm sorry you and your daughter have to go through all this. It does sound like he is rather confused and needs more life experience and time to feel his own feelings, before he can figure out what his values are. Sounds like he would do well with a therapist or counselor's help with this.

 

It's unfortunate but so common that the person you have a child or children with turn out to be someone you are not truly compatible with. This may be the case with you and the baby's dad. So glad you are handling this so well and reaching out to others to talk about it.

 

Frankly, I see that you did nothing wrong reading his emails. If it was that important to him that you not see them, he would have made sure you couldn't. I think he left them unsecured like that just so that you would.

 

 

 

I will be honest, I don't think he left it on purpose. I had a lot of windows open on my computer and you had to really scroll through to find the FB open. His phone was also thumbprint protected and he carried it with him everywhere, even under his pillow as he slept, so it seems he slipped up and is actually mad about it. Truthfully, I think he is more angry that he got caught and his reputation is tarnished than he is at me. Everyone thinks he is just the golden boy- super great college athlete, good at his job, handsome, always smiling and easy-going. Everyone likes him, so this is a blow. I think he is making me out to be the bad person rather than admit he did something really rotten.

 

 

I have been through this before and the same result ended- boyfriend making up stuff about me to detract from him being a major jerk.

[SawtoothMars]

I cannot tell him I snooped, but this is killing me! I want to scratch his eyes out.

I have no idea what to do or how to look at this....

 

You need to tell him that his relationship with this other woman makes you uncomfortable. Either have him end it or insert yourself into it... just do something. Don't sit there like a lump and take it.

 

Also... consider that this guy doesn't really love you.

[GirlStillStrong]

Thank you! I am working on the anger for sure. I think once the dust settles, I will think more clearly and hopefully he will too. He has a few months left, so if he wants to squander them away in this manner rather than spend time with his baby, there is nothing I can do. Nothing I do is the "right" thing to him. If I tell him he can leave for good, I am implying that I will block him from her life. If I tell him he can come see her or inform him of what she is doing (emergency room, etc.), I am manipulating him into getting over. If I ask him to leave at a certain time from my house, I am kicking him out. I cannot win and no matter what I do, I am considered a b**ch and am "crazy". It's a no won situation.

 

 

So, I am not going to do anything. No reaching out, nothing. He has been home for 2 days now and didn't ask about our baby and how she is feeling, so there is something to be said for that.

 

Sounds very similar to alcoholic reasoning and behavior to me. One way to handle his dysfunction is just stop trying to talk to him. You can resort to email and/or text messages to communicate what you absolutely need to. Oh, and been meaning to tell you, keep record of all the effort you have been putting forth toward cooperative parenting; evidence that you are being cooperative and even trying to encourage his parenting may prove useful in Court if and when it comes down to it. Anyway, what he is saying and doing is pretty dysfunctional. Just remember, his decision is HIS decision, it's nothing to do with you or your worth, or baby and her worth. And please, don't compare yourself to the OW, or anyone else for that matter. People make decisions every single minute of the day that make no sense whatsoever.

[sunshine0274]

He still wants to go on a vacation we planned as a family to Hawaii where his family lives. We spent thousands on hotel, airfare, etc. that is nonrefundable.

 

 

His fam and I are close so I was going to go even without him, but it will be helpful on the plane with her. He will go his way once we get there and do his thing and I imagine we will do ours.

 

 

Thoughts?

[GirlStillStrong]

As long as he's paying his own way, keeps his dysfunction away from you and baby, and you are not upset by his presence, I say don't waste the money. You should go and have a good time, allow the family have time to spend with baby, but set some good, strong boundaries before you go. What will you and won't you tolerate from him while you're there?

[cif]

I agree with the previous comment.. go and enjoy yourself, they're your daughter's family as well.

 

Show them what a great parent you are. No drama, ok? Be the sane one. And don't bring up the OW, after all she's a nobody to them. If you need to release tension post here. Have fun!

[sunshine0274]

I agree with the previous comment.. go and enjoy yourself, they're your daughter's family as well.

 

Show them what a great parent you are. No drama, ok? Be the sane one. And don't bring up the OW, after all she's a nobody to them. If you need to release tension post here. Have fun!

 

 

 

His parents already know the ****ty stuff he has been doing and they are not happy. But, it's neither here nor there. He will have his time with them and the baby and I can go do different stuff too. This is not a "family" vacation. It's more incidental now that we are both going.

 

 

To be honest, I do have my moments of feeling like "haha, bi*ch!" when I think about how this new chick will react. It's in the back of my mind.

Is that rotten?

[sunshine0274]

As long as he's paying his own way, keeps his dysfunction away from you and baby, and you are not upset by his presence, I say don't waste the money. You should go and have a good time, allow the family have time to spend with baby, but set some good, strong boundaries before you go. What will you and won't you tolerate from him while you're there?

 

Well, I won't tolerate him trying to lsleep with me. It's not that kind of vacation, buddy. Tell you the truth though, I don't know what kind of vacation this is. If I was so terrible, and such a monster like he makes me out to be, why on earth would you want to take a vacation with us? Behavior confuses the hell out of me. But, I don't want to try to figure him out anymore. I just want to go somewhere nice with my baby.

[GirlStillStrong]

Don't waste any more of your precious life trying to figure out crazy.

 

I've thought about what you said previously about his family and his actions and I bet the idea for him to come be with you and baby as a family after saying he wanted no part of this came from his family. I bet they told him to "do the right thing," which he tried to do, but he just can't hack it. I say good riddance if he wants to go because I bet he's more trouble than he's worth.

[sunshine0274]

Don't waste any more of your precious life trying to figure out crazy.

 

I've thought about what you said previously about his family and his actions and I bet the idea for him to come be with you and baby as a family after saying he wanted no part of this came from his family. I bet they told him to "do the right thing," which he tried to do, but he just can't hack it. I say good riddance if he wants to go because I bet he's more trouble than he's worth.

 

 

 

You got that right. But here we are again. Now, he is asking if he can come watch her every night. Ummm....so, in other words, you want to come to my house every single night after work, eat dinner here, watch my tv, "watch the baby" and then leave for work in the morning after sleeping in my comfortable guest bed? So, basically, you want to go back to the way things were before except we are not together.

 

 

Oh, heck no! Boundaries being set tonight. This one is a real piece of work. I am the crazy one though right? 3 more months and he is gone. It will hopefully go by fast. He is too much trouble

[sunshine0274]

I appreciate you guys letting me come on here and whine and not be too harsh on me.

 

 

I regressed a little. We have a mutual friend who seems to be more of an ally to me and she has been feeding me information. I am going to ask her to stop, but it's hard. I know she isn't playing us both or giving me info from him.

 

 

This other woman is flying out here to spend 10 days with him, including the Thanksgiving holiday. I asked him what he was doing for Thanksgiving and he said "nothing". I know it is none of my business, but why not just tell me? She is leaving the day before we are going on our 10 day trip to Hawaii.

 

 

He asked me if he can have the baby the day after Thanksgiving when I know this woman will be here. He knows I don't want her around my daughter, yet he is being sneaky.

 

 

Seriously, I need to get a grip. Why do I care so much what he is doing?

 

 

He told this friend that this other woman and him are talking about more kids. She has 2 already and he said something about wanting a boy with her and that he might need to put a ring on her in a few years. Come on! They rekindled 2 weeks ago. Can things be happening this fast?? He went on and on about how they went to this restaurant and how well she treated him when they were on their trip together, etc. and this other woman is telling him that she loves him. He told me he didn't love her.

 

 

I just wish I knew where his head was. I know, I know, I need to move on and stop this, but this is really hard. I feel that when we are together, hanging out like we did tonight, well after the baby is asleep, that there is some off chance that he actually wants to be here.

 

 

I had such a good few days and now I am spiraling again. I even had a damned psychic reading. Here I am, calling him crazy and I am now the one who feels this way.

 

 

What the hell is going on and what can I do to get it out of my head that he is testing the waters to see if we are a better choice? He says the same things to this woman that he said to me and about me- wanting more kids, moving in together, etc.

 

 

Sorry, I had to put that out there. I know I need a good smack in the face here, but this is just really getting to be difficult knowing that they are moving along nicely in their relationship and how he boasted how easy it was to talk to her. I am trying to make it easy to talk to me too and feel like now I am in some competition with this other woman.

 

 

This is pitiful and I am making it this way.

[BetrayedH]

Well, I would agree that you're making it this way but I don't find it pitiful. Frankly, there's no handbook for this situation. So, you're floundering a bit. It's to be expected.

 

I think a big part of the problem here is that you're not taking enough actions to detach from one another. Your talk about boundaries was great but you need to follow-thru. For this reason, I'm a little skeptical of this Hawaii trip; you're doing the opposite of detaching. If it weren't Hawaii, I'd tell you not to go. But he shouldn't be hanging out at your house, eating your food, watching your TV, and calling it visitation. What it's really called is cake-eating. He gets to play happy little family and have a mistress.

 

If he wants time with his child, he can work with you on a mutually agreed-upon schedule for him to pick her up, care for her, and return her. Since it's just three weeks, just pack him up a good diaper bag.

 

And quit mentally competing with this other woman. If she won anything, it was a philanderer. Perhaps you should thank her for taking him off your hands. She didn't win the prize; YOU are the prize.

 

As for the day after Thanksgiving, I'd consider letting him have her for the day. If you have any shared custody plan later on, you'll have no control over who he brings around (although there is the rare court-ordered exception). Personally, I suspect your daughter is too young to be influenced by one day with a mystery woman. It's not worth getting your panties in a knot over.

[sunshine0274]

Well, I would agree that you're making it this way but I don't find it pitiful. Frankly, there's no handbook for this situation. So, you're floundering a bit. It's to be expected.

 

I think a big part of the problem here is that you're not taking enough actions to detach from one another. Your talk about boundaries was great but you need to follow-thru. For this reason, I'm a little skeptical of this Hawaii trip; you're doing the opposite of detaching. If it weren't Hawaii, I'd tell you not to go. But he shouldn't be hanging out at your house, eating your food, watching your TV, and calling it visitation. What it's really called is cake-eating. He gets to play happy little family and have a mistress.

 

If he wants time with his child, he can work with you on a mutually agreed-upon schedule for him to pick her up, care for her, and return her. Since it's just three weeks, just pack him up a good diaper bag.

 

And quit mentally competing with this other woman. If she won anything, it was a philanderer. Perhaps you should thank her for taking him off your hands. She didn't win the prize; YOU are the prize.

 

As for the day after Thanksgiving, I'd consider letting him have her for the day. If you have any shared custody plan later on, you'll have no control over who he brings around (although there is the rare court-ordered exception). Personally, I suspect your daughter is too young to be influenced by one day with a mystery woman. It's not worth getting your panties in a knot over.

 

 

 

Thank you for putting this into perspective for me. I won't need to worry about co-parenting and what-not afterall. He wanted to watch her at night, but never showed up to his last watch. No call, nothing. We are not going to Hawaii.

 

 

This got more ridiculous and I see him more and more for what he is. Took a while, but a fair-weather dad is not what my baby needs and not what I need from a co-parent.

[cif]

You need to step back and detach a bit. What happened to Hawaii?

 

What happened with the child support? Maybe he got a letter from the court?

[sunshine0274]

You need to step back and detach a bit. What happened to Hawaii?

 

What happened with the child support? Maybe he got a letter from the court?

 

 

 

I don't know what happened with anything. He texted me earlier in the week and asked if he could watch her regularly, saying he wants to see her every night, but whatever I am comfortable with. He came 2 nights in a row, staying on my couch the second night, which I welcomed because I am so damned tired and I got a full nights sleep for the first time in 5 months.

 

 

He left the next day, all was well and he said he would be back that night (last night) and never showed up. No call, no text, nothing.

 

 

The court takes 3 weeks to process the paperwork, so I doubt he got a letter because I haven't gotten one yet and it has been only 10 days since I filed.

 

 

My computer was on the ground like he used it. Now I am paranoid, wondering if I left anything open too and he read it like I did. All my windows were closed, but I am wondering. I have been venting obviiulsy to here and to my girlfriends, but it would be plausible. Not sure.

 

 

He is supposed to watch her tonight while I go out, but with him being MIA again, I doubt it will happen. I wish we could just talk about stuff, but he likes to keep things in and stew, so who knows what happened.

 

 

Everything was cordial the night before he left and even in the morning, but it's hard to read him.

 

 

If I act upset or complain about his lack of contact, he goes MIA. If I am nice and welcome him to see her and give him and inch, he takes a mile. I cannot win with him

 

 

If he cannot come to see her like he asked and planned, how can we go to Hawaii together?

 

 

He plays games. It's in or out! I have not mentioned his GF or asked him anything. Our talks are about our daughter and that is it. I go to bed early when he is here, so it's not like we are hanging out as a couple.

 

 

I don't understand him. Never will....

[sunshine0274]

Well, I would agree that you're making it this way but I don't find it pitiful. Frankly, there's no handbook for this situation. So, you're floundering a bit. It's to be expected.

 

I think a big part of the problem here is that you're not taking enough actions to detach from one another. Your talk about boundaries was great but you need to follow-thru. For this reason, I'm a little skeptical of this Hawaii trip; you're doing the opposite of detaching. If it weren't Hawaii, I'd tell you not to go. But he shouldn't be hanging out at your house, eating your food, watching your TV, and calling it visitation. What it's really called is cake-eating. He gets to play happy little family and have a mistress.

 

If he wants time with his child, he can work with you on a mutually agreed-upon schedule for him to pick her up, care for her, and return her. Since it's just three weeks, just pack him up a good diaper bag.

 

And quit mentally competing with this other woman. If she won anything, it was a philanderer. Perhaps you should thank her for taking him off your hands. She didn't win the prize; YOU are the prize.

 

As for the day after Thanksgiving, I'd consider letting him have her for the day. If you have any shared custody plan later on, you'll have no control over who he brings around (although there is the rare court-ordered exception). Personally, I suspect your daughter is too young to be influenced by one day with a mystery woman. It's not worth getting your panties in a knot over.

 

 

 

My only issue with this other woman is that she has no respect for me and called me nasty names. How can she be trusted to be around my daughter and not hurt her? I don't know enough about her to know what she is capable of, but she is a nasty person and if they want to play happy family, they can do it with her kids.

 

 

Sorry, but I think is it irresponsible and not in the best interest of children when random women and men are around. Yes, she is little and will not know the difference, but I don't play like that. I need to know where my baby is and with who at all times.

 

 

I have a babysitter who I have a background check on through the service I use. That is how I am as a parent and I don't trust her.

 

 

Until they are serious and I know she isn't going anywhere and we can meet and talk like women, she will not have a part of my baby's life and he knows that

[sunshine0274]

Should I tell this other woman husband about the affair what she's been up to? Feeling with the type of problems she inflicted on my family, she should suffer the same. I guess I am just having a bad day

Edited November 17, 2014 by sunshine0274