Snooped through BF's e-mails- really hurt

[heartshaped]

I'd wager, he'll be back again, out of some sense of responsibility, but this time don't let him back in a relationship with you.

 

He's made his choice. Let him live with it.

 

Just focus now on building a life for your daughter and yourself and think about child support and custody arrangements.

 

I'm sorry this happened this way, but it is what it is and trust me your daughter (and you) will be fine.

[sunshine0274]

My conscience is as clear as can be. I did nothing wrong. The only thing I feel guilty about is taking him back. I should have known. I am angry because we were in such a good place when she was born, as friends. We agreed to co-parent and get along and do the right thing. There was no need to come back like this, him telling me that he wants more children, wants a commitment, wants to buy a house together and be together. NO NEED. We were fine the way we were. Now, the relationship of friends with respect for one another is destroyed. If he didn't want this, he could have stayed away just like I told him. Now, he can try that again. He is moving for his job anyway and we are not going, so he has his freedom just like he wanted and left a bunch of stuff in shambles here. I will pick up the pieces, get child support, and raise this little girl to be the best person she can be and will close the chapter on this part of my life so I can be the best person I can be.

 

 

There will come a time in his life where he will know he made a huge mistake and that's enough for me. Time to focus on my daughter

[MidwestUSA]

Happy Birthday, OP, for starters.

 

You were strong, and did the right thing.

 

I will bet down the line, if he hooks up with this other woman, he's going to find out it's not rainbows and unicorns. She has two kids? Great! So he's starting out in even deeper than he did with you. At least he fathered yours.

 

The fact that she bent his ear about her marriage is bad news. When she's done using him to sort herself out, she may very well dump him and move on to better. She might come to realize she's with a man who walked out on his own child and the mother of that child!

 

Let him go, with some peace knowing he didn't chooses a bed of roses.

 

 

So sorry.

[sunshine0274]

Happy Birthday, OP, for starters.

 

You were strong, and did the right thing.

 

I will bet down the line, if he hooks up with this other woman, he's going to find out it's not rainbows and unicorns. She has two kids? Great! So he's starting out in even deeper than he did with you. At least he fathered yours.

 

The fact that she bent his ear about her marriage is bad news. When she's done using him to sort herself out, she may very well dump him and move on to better. She might come to realize she's with a man who walked out on his own child and the mother of that child!

 

Let him go, with some peace knowing he didn't chooses a bed of roses.

 

 

So sorry.

 

 

 

Aw, thank you so much for the birthday wishes! And I appreciate the kind words. I do have peace knowing that the situation he chooses to be in is definitely a walk down memory lane and there is no way he will be happy raising 2 kids that are not his. I know him enough to say that. Besides, who wants the drama of a woman not even divorced who will be going through a custody battle, etc.? Ew. But, you know what? if it wasn't her, it would be someone else. As long as the woman isn't ME. It's ok. I am beyond the "Why not me? Why her? What is wrong with me?" That's just silly. It was just not a good situation to begin with and as great as I think I am and others do too, at the end of the day, if the love and respect is not there, it will never work. You can't grow to love someone under these circumstances, so...he can go. I know I did all I could and then some.

 

 

That's my only thing. I need to be able to look at my daughter and tell her that everything that could be done, was. I will never bad-mouth him, I won't be THAT parent, but when she is old enough, she will know that it wasn't for lack of trying. Hopefully, she will understand

[melodymatters]

 

 

There will come a time in his life where he will know he made a huge mistake and that's enough for me. Time to focus on my daughter

 

Not necessarily. I've been with a couple of men who were used to fulfill the women's desire for a child. Both are really good guys in every aspect of their lives but they don't regret not being a "family" with the woman and the child, they regret ever meeting and having sex with the woman to begin with.

[sunshine0274]

Not necessarily. I've been with a couple of men who were used to fulfill the women's desire for a child. Both are really good guys in every aspect of their lives but they don't regret not being a "family" with the woman and the child, they regret ever meeting and having sex with the woman to begin with.

Yikes, that's another scenario too. Well...I chose this path, so it is what it is and my daughter is the best thing to happen to me, despite the circumstances. I can't corral him. He wants a life of freedom and he has it. It's sad though. The look in his eyes when he had her was priceless. I know he loves/loved her. I guess it's just not enough there either.

[melodymatters]

Yikes, that's another scenario too. Well...I chose this path, so it is what it is and my daughter is the best thing to happen to me, despite the circumstances. I can't corral him. He wants a life of freedom and he has it. It's sad though. The look in his eyes when he had her was priceless. I know he loves/loved her. I guess it's just not enough there either.

 

Well, glad you didn't get offended there. Seeing a new life come into being is a pretty miraculous thing and all the guys I know who were there for the birth despite the circumstances were very moved. But, men don't tend to feel the same way about children long term as women do and when it's not in a love/wife/family scenario the day to day reality is more one of feeling obligated.

 

I left my husband because his drug and alcohol addiction had gotten worse and worse and while I could kinda handle it, I would NEVER put a child through it. We had been married five years by that time but when I didn't want him, he moved back across the country and we barely ever heard from him. She turned out fine and I'm sure your daughter will as well.

[sunshine0274]

Oddly enough, he seems to like the women who are not good to him. The latest dish apparently broke his heart and he fixated on her until he met his ex wife who left him and he chased her too, for years! It's not healthy. Almost like because his upbringing was filled with abuse and neglect and parents telling him he would never be good enough, he sees that as the norm. I don't know, I could rationalize for days why he is the way he is, but it wont change the fact that his heart is not with me or our daughter. Doesn't matter why. It just isn't

[beautifulinside2]

Sunshine, sorry you are going through this. You mentioned he is leaving for two years in two months. Start legal proceedings for child support immediately. Do not assume you will make him upset by filing or if you don't file he will want to come back. File the papers and let him figure out how he wants to proceed after that. Look out for the welfare of you and your daughter.

[Jules Dash]

 

If you can actually sit there and say that this man is not here entirely because of me, you are way off the mark. I appreciate your time, but think your approach is a bit insensitive and incorrect.

 

He left without a fight. I think that says it all. You made it a lot easier for him and probably answered his prayers.

 

I don't agree that since you snooped you are at fault even though I am strongly against this. Frankly, most of the times I have no sympathy for snoopers but it's water under the bridge now. If I break into a man's home and find him in bed with my underage niece, we do not get to call it even. My discovery will not be ignored because I was committing a crime too.

[sunshine0274]

He left without a fight. I think that says it all. You made it a lot easier for him and probably answered his prayers.

 

I don't agree that since you snooped you are at fault even though I am strongly against this. Frankly, most of the times I have no sympathy for snoopers but it's water under the bridge now. If I break into a man's home and find him in bed with my underage niece, we do not get to call it even. My discovery will not be ignored because I was committing a crime too.

 

 

 

Yeah, I think he was relieved. I was too, just to have it in the open, but I wish things were different. I filed for support yesterday. He has a lot more money than me, so it should be no issue. Not looking to take him to the cleaners, just what is right. I will not stand in his way if he does want to see her either but at some point, enough is enough and I am not going to let my daughter be hurt by him comin in and out of her life, so we will need to talk about this and how we are going to co-parent or if we aren't and he is going to just go away. Still too early to tell, but I bet the latter. New life in Japan awaits him.

[endlessabyss]

Wow, this reminds me of myself. Me and your BF kind of had a similar MO. I remember when my ex got pregnant, I was pretty mad because I was having the time of my life at that particular age. I did end up coming back to be involved in my child's life, but was totally unfaithful to my ex for a while.

 

 

I've grown from that now, even though it was growing the hard way, because I am separated from my child. It sounds like both of you are pretty immature, irresponsible, and selfish (I was guilty of this too). It is possible that you guys may be able to work this out, but the odds seem unlikely, UNLESS:

 

 

You confront him, and tell him that you want to split (and you need to split, and make him earn you back). This has a pretty good shot at making him ditch this other side chick. If you tell him you're splitting, he possibly may think a little harder, knowing his arrangement with his child is going to change, as well as his status with you. I would believe he loves you, but as him being an immature person, he is following his feelings of excitement when it comes to this side chick, and not thinking about the well being of his child.

 

 

His friend, who is encouraging him, has some problems. Maybe he was abused as a kid or something. He should not be encouraging your BF to do this, because in the long run, it hurts the kid.

 

 

From your post, it seems like you really love this guy you're with. You have to put the feelings aside, and be strong for this one.

[Omei]

This guy is a wishy washy douche and hell always be one, sorry.

 

at first he didnt wanna be a dad now he does? Idk what did he think he gets a choice? Idk how you could still date him after that display this is a man that is so selfish he was ready to ditch the both of you whatever his reasons for playing daddy now are likely for his own reasonings since he had zero care at the start, the birth of his own child and he wanted to walk sorry but id question his love of anything or anyone because if his own kid cant effect him how much love do you think he has for you? Its certainly clear he doesn't respect you that's for sure.

 

I wouldnt stay with him just because you had nice times between his douchary doesn't mean hes changed because clearly....he is a selfish man with his own agenda that doesn't involve much thought about you or your daughter when it comes to his actions.

 

I see that you left good :-D you will find a better man that will love you and your daughter much more than this poo

Edited November 3, 2014 by Omei

[sunshine0274]

Well, he got an apartment a few miles away- his friend I ran into told me. But, I reached out to ask him if we can talk in person when the dust settles and come up with a plan for her. He didn't respond. Further communication from me is just going to make me seem desperate and I am not. I did everything I could. It's a done deal. He doesn't want this.

[Jules Dash]

enough is enough and I am not going to let my daughter be hurt by him comin in and out of her life, so we will need to talk about this and how we are going to co-parent or if we aren't and he is going to just go away. Still too early to tell, but I bet the latter. New life in Japan awaits him.

 

 

I want you to consider something. I want you to consider that even if he was in and out of your daughter's life, it may be better than him never being a part of her life at all. Lets imagine him only coming around on Christmas or her birthdays. Would this be unacceptable to you compared to your daughter not seeing or hearing from him at all with the impression that he does not care at all about her?

 

This is just something to think about. There is no right or wrong but just something to consider while you are ironing this out.

[sunshine0274]

I want you to consider something. I want you to consider that even if he was in and out of your daughter's life, it may be better than him never being a part of her life at all. Lets imagine him only coming around on Christmas or her birthdays. Would this be unacceptable to you compared to your daughter not seeing or hearing from him at all with the impression that he does not care at all about her?

 

This is just something to think about. There is no right or wrong but just something to consider while you are ironing this out.

 

 

 

There are two sides to that question I suppose. One, she has shown that she loves her daddy and misses him. She has been a wreck since he left. I am not sure if it's teething too in it, but he had her at night time and she now gets up, looking around, feeling very unsettled. So, I am sure she knows her dad. every time he leaves her, whether it be after Christmas to go back to his life or whatever, we are stuck back at square one, getting her used to my routine again and there will come a time when she is old enough to ask where he is and why he isn't here I think. Not sure how I will handle that.

 

 

Then, there is the other side where he isn't around at all. I haven't experienced that yet, but it's sad to even think about.

 

 

I talked to his aunt yesterday who is a big supporter of mine and told her how fussy the baby has been and she asked if I wanted her to make a call to him. I told her no, that I had already tried to reach out but she did anyway and he called to say he was coming over to help. He brought me a birthday card from him and the baby telling me how great of a mom I am. He brought diapers, formula, and took her for a few hours to let me clean my house. I fell asleep on the couch and he told me to go to bed for a few hours, so I did. He ordered us pizza and bought my favorite wine,

 

 

There were no talks about anything other than the baby. It's too soon, but every time his phone went off, I felt it was the other girl and it sucks. It's just what I am going to have to deal with. But, it was hard having him here and not being together. I will eventually see this as my new norm, but it hurts.

[melodymatters]

If he's in the military, she's going to have to become used to long absences whether or not you two are in a R or not.

 

It's up to YOU to set the tone. My late husband had a child when he was a 16 yr old junior in HS with a 30 yr old woman who used to check him out of school ! She was mentally unbalanced , obviously, and always tried to pretend that they were one big happy family, so the child always felt this huge lack of a dad, of his sisters and mom being her aunts and grandmother. It was really sad. We had my daughter after 5 yrs of marriage when he was 33 but when I asked him to leave and he moved across the country with little contact, I made SURE my daughter had a full life and that she considered it his loss, not hers and she never developed any deep seated issues like the other child did.

 

Kids only become " scarred" from lack of the constant presence of one parent when the OTHER parent makes big deal about it. Otherwise they don't know any different, you are lucky she's so young.

[sunshine0274]

Things are just getting really bad. I am trying to be graceful and welcoming, but his friend who encouraged this relationship with the other woman has called me out, saying I am a b**ch and that I can't hold a candle to this other woman, who is just thrilled that she has my man now, saying how they have each other and that is all that matters.

 

 

He has been popping in and out since the other night, but is now on a road trip with this other woman and her kids. Hasn't even been gone from us for more than a week. He doesn't love me. Told me so. Doesn't love her either, so she can gloat all she wants. When he leaves for Japan, he will not have a relationship with our daughter and knows this. Not because of me, but obvious distance, etc. I asked him to just go now and rip the Band-Aid off now. Leave us alone.

 

 

His friend told me my ex thinks I trapped him with this baby, so I tried to release him from the "obligation" that we are to him last night. He isn't budging now.

 

 

I just feel that decisions he is making in his life are negatively affecting our daughter and he just doesn't care. He said family life with us felt forced and didn't come naturally to him, but he didn't even try. You can't force someone to have feelings they don't have, I get it. But, 2 weeks? Is that enough time to walk away from everything and our daughter. Guess he really didn't want to be here afterall.

 

 

Just not sure how he can let this friend disrespect me and let this other woman say nasty things about me too. I am a good woman and a good mother. There are no grounds for them to say anything.

 

 

I just don't get how a woman who is still legally married to another man, maybe even cheating on him, and who has 2 children is more appealing than a home life with his daughter. If he doesn't love either one of us, he couldn't just suck it up, as stay here for 3 months and then leave for Japan? He is spending the last few months here cavorting around with that piece of trash.

[beautifulinside2]

 

If he doesn't love either one of us, he couldn't just suck it up, as stay here for 3 months and then leave for Japan? He is spending the last few months here cavorting around with that piece of trash.

 

He would have stayed there for 3 months but you told him to leave. Had you allowed everything to unfold naturally then he may not have made the decision to actually go to the other girl. As women we can't help it sometimes because we can't control our emotions.

 

 

I'm not saying you didn't make the right decision, because I believe you did but now its time to accept that it didn't work out how you wanted it to.

[cif]

 

I just don't get how a woman who is still legally married to another man, maybe even cheating on him, and who has 2 children is more appealing than a home life with his daughter. If he doesn't love either one of us, he couldn't just suck it up, as stay here for 3 months and then leave for Japan? He is spending the last few months here cavorting around with that piece of trash.

 

Makes no sense to me either.

 

Remember this was your decision (and i would have done the same thing). Time to woman up and move on. Ignore him. Live your own life. You never know what will happen in the future, esp. after coming back from Japan. It's hard to keep your emotions in check, I know, but you have to otherwise you'll push him further away.

 

You need to stop speaking to his friend. Bad influence.

[sunshine0274]

I had him leave last night instead of staying over and sleeping on my couch. yes, he is apparently here to help with the baby which is awesome, but he is sleeping here, eating my food, watching my tv and then leaving in the morning. It's messing with me. I know if this other woman was here, he wouldn't be doing this. I welcome the help, but it's sending mixed signals. So, I said that I thought he should leave instead of stay over and he stormed out. Pissed him off I guess. So, as far as pushing him further away, I feel like I am in a no-win situation.

[Anderlie]

So have you found a lawyer yet? Anything to formalise your arrangements? This is as much to protect you as it is your daughter. Without anything legal this man could cause a lot of trouble down the line if he suddenly changes his mind again.

[sunshine0274]

Well, I filed for child support, but with him leaving in 3 months or so, I doubt he will try to lawyer up and seek any kind of visitation. I mean, he will be in Japan for 2 years, so that will be kind of hard unless he decides to go for it and make us meet in the middle ever 6 months or so which was the original plan. I asked him what his plans are for her when he leaves and he just says "I don't know, but it's going to suck". He basically said he accepts missing out on her life with us not being together, so I am not sure what he thinks about anything.

 

 

I told him I think japan is good for him- go sort his life out. He is so confused all the time it seems. Had a failed marriage, runs around now, went on drinking binges, etc. I don't think he is quite over anything that happened in his past and is spiraling in many ways.

 

 

My little one is really sick. has been sick with a bad cold and cough for a week now, though no fever. It's been a struggle knowing he is on a trip with someone else's kids when he could be here with her. I told him I would never keep him from her, just that overnights here is probably not a good idea. I could certainly use his help right now.

[sunshine0274]

I am starting to wonder if I should have this thread under Parenting?

[cif]

I am starting to wonder if I should have this thread under Parenting?

 

Marriage & Life Partnerships might be better since your issue isn't really the child. You'll get good advice there. Hit "alert us" and ask Mods to move it.

 

I think he's being so immature. How is your relationship with his parents? I know the aunt is on your side but you haven't mentioned anyone else. He needs good people around him. That friend.. yuck.