How should I pursue this girl?

[somedude81]

By 'get to know her better' you mean as friends, right?

Nope.

 

But after I sent that text I realized that I gave her that impression and I clarified what I meant.

 

I basically said that when she first said that she was too busy to date that I thought that I'd just wait till she's no longer busy and that it was my fail for not being able to read between the lines.

 

Now for some reason after talking to her so candidly, I actually like her more than before

 

Sigh, I wish I could be the kind of guy she would be open to dating. Or at least no what she is looking for. All I know is that I'm not it.Though without knowing what she wants, I can't start working on myself to become what she and most likely other girls like her do want.

[Teknoe]

Honest, serious question for you:

 

Sigh, I wish I could be the kind of guy she would be open to dating. Or at least know what she is looking for. All I know is that I'm not it.Though without knowing what she wants, I can't start working on myself to become what she and most likely other girls like her do want.

 

 

What if this girl, if you actually asked her what she was looking for in a guy, what if she said this:

 

"I'd like my man to be someone who can see things from other people's point of views, adapt accordingly and admit when he's in the wrong. I'd also like a man who is socially versatile. He should be able to walk into a room and be confident in who he is, meet new people and charm them. I don't want to be with someone who is anti-social or socially awkward. He should have some healthy male friends so that his life is varied and interesting."

 

How would knowing this, hypothetically speaking, shape your thoughts on what you might need to work on going forward?

[somedude81]

Honest, serious question for you:

 

 

 

 

What if this girl, if you actually asked her what she was looking for in a guy, what if she said this:

 

"I'd like my man to be someone who can see things from other people's point of views, adapt accordingly and admit when he's in the wrong. I'd also like a man who is socially versatile. He should be able to walk into a room and be confident in who he is, meet new people and charm them. I don't want to be with someone who is anti-social or socially awkward. He should have some healthy male friends so that his life is varied and interesting."

 

How would knowing this, hypothetically speaking, shape your thoughts on what you might need to work on going forward?

 

There is no way she'd ever say that so I can't answer your post seriously.

[Lani]

Have you learnt anything here SD?

[somedude81]

Have you learnt anything here SD?

 

Yes I have. A lot today.

 

One thing is that communication with women is a lot more involved than what is on the surface. People have been saying it to me for a while but it was something I need to fully experience and see to completion to be able to really understand what is going on.

 

Today's lesson was all about how to tell when a girl is not interested in me. I was lucky enough to have two lovely instructors.

 

Of course I'd rather be having hands on experience to learn when a girl is interested in me, but that's a class for another day.

[Lani]

Yes I have. A lot today.

 

One thing is that communication with women is a lot more involved than what is on the surface. People have been saying it to me for a while but it was something I need to fully experience and see to completion to be able to really understand what is going on.

 

Today's lesson was all about how to tell when a girl is not interested in me. I was lucky enough to have two lovely instructors.

 

Of course I'd rather be having hands on experience to learn when a girl is interested in me, but that's a class for another day.

 

Knowing what women do not want is close to as important as knowing what they do.

I'm glad you learnt something.. It shows progress.

Well done you!

[TigerLilly78]

Nope.

 

But after I sent that text I realized that I gave her that impression and I clarified what I meant.

 

I basically said that when she first said that she was too busy to date that I thought that I'd just wait till she's no longer busy and that it was my fail for not being able to read between the lines.

 

Now for some reason after talking to her so candidly, I actually like her more than before

 

Sigh, I wish I could be the kind of guy she would be open to dating. Or at least no what she is looking for. All I know is that I'm not it.Though without knowing what she wants, I can't start working on myself to become what she and most likely other girls like her do want.

 

Im sorry this is almost starting to sound a little stalkerish SD I hope things get going with the new girl and you can let this one go I just don't see it ending well..

[organizedchaos]

Nope.

 

But after I sent that text I realized that I gave her that impression and I clarified what I meant.

 

I basically said that when she first said that she was too busy to date that I thought that I'd just wait till she's no longer busy and that it was my fail for not being able to read between the lines.

 

Now for some reason after talking to her so candidly, I actually like her more than before

 

Sigh, I wish I could be the kind of guy she would be open to dating. Or at least no what she is looking for. All I know is that I'm not it.Though without knowing what she wants, I can't start working on myself to become what she and most likely other girls like her do want.

 

I'll repeat what was just said. You've learned nothing from the thousands of posts with advice on this in 6 years. Wow.

[ASG]

Of the girls I mentioned, only one did I approach as anything more than a friend. I said that in a previous post.

 

I asked busy girl straight up if she had a boyfriend and she gave me the too busy to date line. She is the only girl who knows I'm interested in her.

 

The other girls including lunch girls, I never asked if they were single, or ever mentioned the words boyfriend or date or anything like that. We just made plans to hang out assumingly as friends.

 

I also don't have much or if any communication between the time we make plans and when they cancel. So something is going through their heads after the fact.

 

I can tell you right now, this is NOT true.

I ALWAYS know when someone is interested in me. ALWAYS. Way before they even say anything to that effect. Sometimes I have doubts, because I don't want to seem conceited.. But I have always always always been proved right. ALWAYS.

 

So remember this. Just because you can't read between the lines, it doesn't mean other people can't. Especially girls. They can smell someone kinda hitting on them about a mile off.

 

You need to remember that not every form of communication is verbal. You seem to forget this.

 

What is probably going through these girl's heads is something along the lines of "do I want to go out with Somedude? I get the vibe that he's interested in me, and I'm really not interested in him... He's nice and all, but maybe I shouldn't go out with him one on one. If it's a group thing, it might be fine though"

[xxoo]

Oh, that's starting to make sense.

 

Back then when we talked; to her the topic of me being interested in her was over and we would only be friends from then on? Then to her, we were just friends yet she felt that I wanted to be more than friends?

 

So it's almost like she expected me to turn off all interest in her at that point and was confused when I didn't do so. Did she actually think that her expectation was realistic, or that I even understood what she was talking about?

 

She expected you to be mature about your interest and respect that she wasn't interested.

 

She expected you to understand because countless of other men understood loud and clear and did just that, enjoying her company while focusing on other women romantically.

 

Yes, it is a realistic expectation. Completely normal. Most guys are interested in LOTS of girls, and not fixating on one they just recently met, so it is no biggie to focus on other girls. Getting this fixated on one woman you just met is what she didn't expect, and forced her to have the awkward conversations.

 

Going forward, PLEASE respect that she isn't interested! If you can't do that, just leave her alone. Don't try to be what she likes. It's weird. You barely know her.

[sillyanswer]

Wow, I just got a text from busy girl.

 

First part was something we were joking about. Second part was this.

 

"(My name), you know I want to be friends with you but I can't help but feel that you keep wanting more than that... I just see you as a friend, okay?"

 

I'm stunned that she said that. I wouldn't expect a girl to be so direct.

 

Weren't you wishing that women were more direct in some other posts? Be careful what you wish for!

 

It seems that you've had some great advice in the last couple of pages.

[anna121]

Question: do you expect her to know NOW that you are still interested in her? Are you drawing encouragement from the fact that, although she has told you she sees you as friend material only, she did not tell you to leave her the hell alone?

 

Do you still think you have a shot with her? Will you still try to pursue things with her?

 

And: do you understand that she told you she is too busy to date to be polite? That she simply does not want to date YOU?

[xxoo]

So remember this. Just because you can't read between the lines, it doesn't mean other people can't. Especially girls. They can smell someone kinda hitting on them about a mile off.

 

You need to remember that not every form of communication is verbal. You seem to forget this.

 

You've doubted this before, insisting that women can't "tell" things you don't tell them directly.

 

I hope you are opening your mind to the possibility that other people (men and women) can communicate a LOT without spelling it out verbally.

 

You don't pick up on the cues. But that doesn't change two things:

 

1. You send them, and others pick up on them

 

2. women send them, and expect you to pick up on them

[somedude81]

Knowing what women do not want is close to as important as knowing what they do.

 

Unfortunately no because there are an infinitely more number of ways to fail than ways to succeed.

 

Trying to figure this out through trial and error is extremely inefficient not to mention very tiring.

 

I'm glad you learnt something.. It shows progress.

Well done you!

 

Thank you

[sillyanswer]

So then why are they giving me their numbers and making plans with me?

 

Because you asked nicely? What, exactly, do you say when asking for a number? If you're expressing it as a way to arrange some more dancing with a girl you met in a dance class, for example, then she might take you at your word and have no problem giving you her number. If you're expressing it as a way to arrange something like further calc study with a girl you met in your calc class, for example, then she might take you at your word and have no problem giving you her number.

[somedude81]

I can tell you right now, this is NOT true.

I ALWAYS know when someone is interested in me. ALWAYS. Way before they even say anything to that effect. Sometimes I have doubts, because I don't want to seem conceited.. But I have always always always been proved right. ALWAYS.

 

So remember this. Just because you can't read between the lines, it doesn't mean other people can't. Especially girls. They can smell someone kinda hitting on them about a mile off.

 

You need to remember that not every form of communication is verbal. You seem to forget this.

 

What is probably going through these girl's heads is something along the lines of "do I want to go out with Somedude? I get the vibe that he's interested in me, and I'm really not interested in him... He's nice and all, but maybe I shouldn't go out with him one on one. If it's a group thing, it might be fine though"

 

For the longest time I've had girls tell me that they never knew I was interested in them. That they just didn't know, and thought I only wanted to be friends.

 

Though recently I've been trying much harder to make sure that girls can tell I'm interested. So it seems that girls are finally getting that message and it as you say, they decide that they shouldn't go out with me one on one.

[somedude81]

She expected you to be mature about your interest and respect that she wasn't interested.

 

She expected you to understand because countless of other men understood loud and clear and did just that, enjoying her company

 

For whatever reasons, I didn't pick up on that was what she meant.

 

 

while focusing on other women romantically.

 

Yes, it is a realistic expectation. Completely normal. Most guys are interested in LOTS of girls, and not fixating on one they just recently met, so it is no biggie to focus on other girls. Getting this fixated on one woman you just met is what she didn't expect, and forced her to have the awkward conversations.

 

In the past couple of months I have written about at least 10 women that I was interested in. Remember when I was assigning girls letters and quickly figuring out which ones were single and which were taken? Doesn't that sound like I was interested in lots of girls?

 

I have known this girl for two months and we've regularly spoken for one month, does she still count as somebody I just met?

 

How long do you think I should know a girl before I start to like her?

 

Going forward, PLEASE respect that she isn't interested! If you can't do that, just leave her alone.

 

Of course. She has made it perfectly clear that she isn't interested.

 

Don't try to be what she likes. It's weird.

 

Why is it weird to try to become what she likes? If I knew that she liked guys with X quality, of course I'd want to develop it if I could so she would start to like me. Perhaps other girls would like the same thing.

 

All I know is that I have to become something else.

[somedude81]

Question: do you expect her to know NOW that you are still interested in her?

 

Since I straight up told her that I like her, of course I expect her to now know that I'm interested. Hopefully she has enough common sense to know that feelings can't be turned off like a light switch.

 

Are you drawing encouragement from the fact that, although she has told you she sees you as friend material only, she did not tell you to leave her the hell alone?

 

I was drawing encouragement from the fact that I was able to be honest with her. I appreciated her being direct. Open communication is very important to me. I actually became a bit more attracted to her after our conversation.

 

Do you still think you have a shot with her?

 

No. Not at all.

 

Will you still try to pursue things with her?

 

There is no point. I don't have a chance. I don't know what she is looking for, what kind of guy she would be fine with dating regardless of what her schedule is.

 

 

And: do you understand that she told you she is too busy to date to be polite? That she simply does not want to date YOU?

 

I understand that now. That she was just giving me a line. It would have been so much better if she just told me that she didn't want to date me instead of making it seem like it was about her.

 

I wish the other girl I wrote about in this thread would tell me that she isn't interested in dating me either.

[ASG]

For the longest time I've had girls tell me that they never knew I was interested in them. That they just didn't know, and thought I only wanted to be friends.

 

Though recently I've been trying much harder to make sure that girls can tell I'm interested. So it seems that girls are finally getting that message and it as you say, they decide that they shouldn't go out with me one on one.

 

They are lying to you. Trust me. I have done that SO MANY TIMES! I pretend that I don't know, so that I don't have to deal with it. And when the guy comes forward, I play dumb.

 

The reason girls say that is so that we don't have to answer awkward questions, like "if you knew I was interested in you, why didn't you stop hanging out with me, if you weren't interested?"

 

Some guys I really liked as friends were clearly interested in me. I knew it. But I really liked hanging out with them, as friends. Sometimes one on one. But I didn't want them to think it was a date, ever. So I pretended I didn't know.

 

When they finally came out with it and asked me if I knew, I said I didn't. It was easier to explain away going out with them "as friends" if I wasn't aware of their interest. But I knew.

[normal person]

For whatever reasons, I didn't pick up on that was what she meant.

 

Why not? There were dozens of posts telling you exactly what she meant. What do you think the reasons were that you ignored them all?

 

How long do you think I should know a girl before I start to like her?

 

Isn't it usually pretty instantaneous?

 

 

Why is it weird to try to become what she likes? If I knew that she liked guys with X quality, of course I'd want to develop it if I could so she would start to like me. Perhaps other girls would like the same thing.

 

It's not weird. But it might not be very plausible. What if she likes guys her own age, on pace to graduate at the traditional time, with healthy social lives, who regularly pick up on conventional social cues, who don't come off as clingy or desperate, who don't have complete tunnel vision on finding a girlfriend and pinning all hopes for happiness in life on it, plus a myriad of other stuff? What if you find out that's the case?

[somedude81]

They are lying to you. Trust me. I have done that SO MANY TIMES! I pretend that I don't know, so that I don't have to deal with it. And when the guy comes forward, I play dumb.

 

The reason girls say that is so that we don't have to answer awkward questions, like "if you knew I was interested in you, why didn't you stop hanging out with me, if you weren't interested?"

 

Some guys I really liked as friends were clearly interested in me. I knew it. But I really liked hanging out with them, as friends. Sometimes one on one. But I didn't want them to think it was a date, ever. So I pretended I didn't know.

 

When they finally came out with it and asked me if I knew, I said I didn't. It was easier to explain away going out with them "as friends" if I wasn't aware of their interest. But I knew.

 

Well that's really lame and deceitful.

 

Either way that's in the past and it's been a long time since I spent any time alone with a girl as just friends. Remembering back to what it was like, it's not something I want to put myself through again.

[somedude81]

 

Isn't it usually pretty instantaneous?

 

You should say that to xxoo.

 

Apparently she thinks that it was strange for me to start liking this girl after knowing her for two months.

[ThaWholigan]

Well that's really lame and deceitful.

 

Either way that's in the past and it's been a long time since I spent any time alone with a girl as just friends. Remembering back to what it was like, it's not something I want to put myself through again.

What's lame is guys who take this sh-t way too seriously that eventually causes girls to feel like they have to be deceitful. I've been in your position - been friends with girls I liked. I was happy to make plans with them to do stuff and I'm 100 percent sure they KNEW I was interested in them even though I didn't say. They might lie and say they didn't clock but I'm not stupid and neither are they.

 

The key difference being that me liking them didn't matter! I liked their company and appreciated it for what it was. I didn't pin any hopes to it or become depressed because they weren't interested. You want to know why?

 

Guess. I've been telling you for years now....

[ThaWholigan]

You should say that to xxoo.

 

Apparently she thinks that it was strange for me to start liking this girl after knowing her for two months.

No, she thinks its strange that you fall into complete and utter limerance with these girls after 2 months.

[Teknoe]

There is no way she'd ever say that so I can't answer your post seriously.

 

I said it was hypothetical. Can you not consider hypothetical situations?

 

And yeah, of course she'll never say it to YOU. It's too awkward to. But if you ever browsed online dating profiles, they are a lot more blunt. And many times that's what I see girls write. They will say something like

 

"socially diverse" or a classic one, "as long as he isn't socially awkward."

 

Girls want their guy to be liked by their girl friends. It's important to them. They like feeling like they have a prize trophy of a boyfriend. You say you have no clue what to improve or what girls want. I find that incredible since you've been receiving some EXCELLENT advice for SIX years which you continually brush aside/ignore.

 

You seriously have NO idea what you could work on?

 

That is why, seriously, you are still single. You're not improving yourself, or changing your tactics enough. It seems to me like you just want to get a girlfriend YOUR way. And your way includes stacking the odds WAY AGAINST yourself (i.e. school route only, classmate route only, 20-22 year old girl only). It's like you subconsciously "enjoy" this wild goose chase, posting your "play by plays" on Loveshack while ignoring your core issues here.

 

You can continue living life the way you are now, but look where it's gotten you the last 6 years.

 

At some point, you need to just improve yourself. It doesn't matter how. Don't just sit there. Pick a target, ANY target, and start shooting. i.e. hobby or interest or some aspect of your life you wish to work on. Life will get better when you do that. All this unhealthy fantasy pining after classmates you hardly know is not good for you.

 

And here's another tip: quit with the constant texting. You are killing your chances even further. Want to be a real man? Call her, ask her out and see where the chips may fall. Is it a little scary? Yeah it is. But that's what leaves a real impression. Everyone texts. Not many call nowadays.

 

Next time, at least call them.