How should I pursue this girl?

[somedude81]

I replied to her message and then she replied and cleared things up. She was just in a hurry to get to work. Thats it and I won't talk on her about it again.

 

For now my focus is on lunch girl.

[xxoo]

For now my focus is on lunch girl.

 

Please, slow your roll. Keep it laid back. Show interest but don't fixate.

 

Remember: intensity is unsettling to new women. It's scary.

[GemmaUK]

One thing that I have a serious problem with is that I want to pick a fight with a girl through text once I feel I don't have a shot with her and want to blow everything up. So like an idiot I sent her a text asking her what happened today and that she was acting cold towards me. Several hours go by so she ignored my text and I'm happy with that.

 

Then around 9:30 I get a reply,

 

"Was I? Sorry I haven't been feeling good all day. I had a little fever earlier."

That wasn't the reply I wanted!

 

 

Whoa! My jaw just hit the floor!

 

Why on earth do you feel justified in doing this to a person?

That is way out of order!

Women are not some 'thing' that you can just pick off a shelf if you want one. They are perfectly entitled to their own opinions and wants, we are human beings just the same as you.

 

This kind of action is the sort of thing that 'self proclaimed nice guys' do who are not at all nice and are actually manipulative, passive aggressive, misogynous and have male entitlement syndrome.

 

What on earth sort of reply did you want?

 

Until you start to control your own feelings, behaviour and actions you really should avoid any kind of dating whatsoever.

[normal person]

I don't really think that would happen at this point. I think that she was, at one time, open to the idea of being friends with him, but he was too focused on dating her and she finally realized that he wasn't going to give up and just be friends.

 

Neither do I, but I'm trying to illustrate the fact that if she's interested at all, she'll initiate some form of contact at some point. If she doesn't, he needs to consider it a rejection. SD needs to break his expectation of still thinking he has a chance until he gets an outright rejection. I'm hoping this will be a learning exercise.

 

He could apologize if he wants, I suppose it might make him look better. But I honestly wouldn't bother. The friendship window has firmly closed.

 

At this point I think he's making himself look exponentially worse every single time he tries to contact her. If he can just stop the bleeding he might survive. She doesn't care or want his apology, she wants to be free of his attention and free of having to make excuses to spare his feelings. She doesn't want his apology, she wants him to stop.

 

You've made your intentions pretty clear, SD. IF she wants to talk to you at all, the onus is on her now. If she never does, then there's your answer.

[MidwestUSA]

 

One thing that I have a serious problem with is that I want to pick a fight with a girl through text once I feel I don't have a shot with her and want to blow everything up.

 

This is so unsettling I don't have words for it. Have you talked to your counselor about anger management, as we've discussed before?

 

 

Getting pissed off about no fault situations isn't normal at all.

[GemmaUK]

This is so unsettling I don't have words for it. Have you talked to your counselor about anger management, as we've discussed before?

 

 

Getting pissed off about no fault situations isn't normal at all.

 

It made me stop in my tracks when I read the post. I'm stunned.

 

SD says he suffers from depression but depression is normally inward and so I agree that anger over no fault issues is not the norm.

 

Some folk these days seem to have no awareness of how to take responsibility for things but this goes a step up and is perceived but unreal almost - I'm not sure if anyone will get me on that though -it may take some explaining what I mean.

[somedude81]

Please, slow your roll. Keep it laid back. Show interest but don't fixate.

 

Remember: intensity is unsettling to new women. It's scary.

 

I am trying to find the balance between showing interest and intensity.

 

The reason I said I'm focused on lunch girl is because busy girl is a dead end. There is no point in being invested in a girl I have no chance with.

 

We talked today but as I suspected she wanted to study today instead of have lunch. I told her that I wanted to get together this weekend and she kinda after talking about how she's busy and stuff we established that she's free on Sunday. So I told her that I want to go hiking on Sunday and she said that she will think about it. Yes I know what that means.

 

If I don't hear from her by Saturday I'll text her to get the final answer. If it's a no then I'll move on.

[somedude81]

It made me stop in my tracks when I read the post. I'm stunned.

 

SD says he suffers from depression but depression is normally inward and so I agree that anger over no fault issues is not the norm.

 

Some folk these days seem to have no awareness of how to take responsibility for things but this goes a step up and is perceived but unreal almost - I'm not sure if anyone will get me on that though -it may take some explaining what I mean.

 

While this is off topic, my depression and anger issues areare connected. Yes both are being worked on in therapy.

[GemmaUK]

I am trying to find the balance between showing interest and intensity.

 

The reason I said I'm focused on lunch girl is because busy girl is a dead end. There is no point in being invested in a girl I have no chance with.

 

We talked today but as I suspected she wanted to study today instead of have lunch. I told her that I wanted to get together this weekend and she kinda after talking about how she's busy and stuff we established that she's free on Sunday. So I told her that I want to go hiking on Sunday and she said that she will think about it. Yes I know what that means.

 

If I don't hear from her by Saturday I'll text her to get the final answer. If it's a no then I'll move on.

 

If you don't hear from her by Friday night just leave it.

If she was interested she would text or call you.

Delete her number Friday night so that you cannot have a dig at her if she does not contact you.

 

The signs are that she is not interested or she would have agreed to go hiking straight up. She would say yes rather than she will think about it.

[xxoo]

I am trying to find the balance between showing interest and intensity.

 

This is simple:

 

1. Show interest

 

2. Genuinely have better things to do than focus on this girl you just met

[GemmaUK]

I am trying to find the balance between showing interest and intensity.

 

SD you know we have (many of us now) talked about body language?

 

A big big part of that is facial micro expressions.

 

Do you know what contempt looks like?

 

This could be showing facially on you when things don't go your way and it's highly off putting to see even though most folk don't really know the look..it ends up just being a 'feeling' from teh recipient.

 

I would recommend watching a series called Lie To Me with Tim Roth, Kelli Williams and Brendan Hines. It may enlighten you. It did me.

[rester]

I'd just like to add that regardless of whether or not she goes hiking with you, go hiking on Sunday. Make a plan for yourself and follow through with it. Things like that help boost your mood and your confidence.

[hasaquestion]

Somedude brotha.

 

You've got to leave the ball in another person's court. None of this texting, rescheduling stuff.

 

You invited Princess Whateverhernameis out. She turned you down. Now its up to her to come to you. This isn't the wild west, she knows where to find you.

[somedude81]

If you don't hear from her by Friday night just leave it.

If she was interested she would text or call you.

Delete her number Friday night so that you cannot have a dig at her if she does not contact you.

 

The signs are that she is not interested or she would have agreed to go hiking straight up. She would say yes rather than she will think about it.

 

I'm not going to do that again.

 

OK, I'm not going to contact her at all and leave it up to her to contact me next. The ball is firmly in her court and she knows it.

[MissBee]

How can we not talk about you when you're the one posting and we don't know this girl but know more about you?

 

In any case first thing: DON'T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF!

 

Don't immediately zoom in on this girl and try to date her and become all obsessed. Be casual. Be friends. Go out dancing like you planned and play it by ear.

 

Let things develop over time. If you go out and have a good time, continue talking, being friends, ask her to go out dancing again and see what happens.

 

But BE CHILL! Accept that she may or may not like you as more than a friend, so keep that in mind and allow yourself to see which it is without getting ahead of yourself and having tunnel vision where you are hell bent on "getting her" even though you haven't a clue if she wants you too. It's a two way street and you have to give and take and see where it's going and act accordingly.

[preraph]

You needing to blow up when you're rejected is really bad and could get you in all kinds of trouble if you don't get to the bottom of it. And yes, in the workplace, none of these tactics will fly at all and could cost you your job.

 

Ask your therapist if he/she thinks an anger management course would help. They don't take long. I know someone it really helped. i probably need one myself, actually. I am speculating that your need to blow up is fear-based, as a lot of anger is. They can teach you diversion techniques and basically they specialize on getting to what your fear is that's driving this. And of course, often the anger is really you being angry at yourself, and I'm sure there's some of that here. But seriously, it's just a small course some courts make people take that might really get you in control of your emotions better.

[Teknoe]

I need to become more in control of my feelings when I start to like somebody.

 

 

And that's why the board has been advocating for you to make healthy male and female friends for a while now. When you have healthy friends, and you start developing a crush on someone, your friends can be one avenue in which you channel your energy and focus. Like going out on a day trip somewhere, or just kicking it at the coffee shop.

 

When you have no friends, you're alone in your apartment, posting on Loveshack, obsessing over this girl, replaying various scenarios in your head over and over. It's a very unhealthy lifestyle, and that's why we've been urging you to open yourself up and try to make some friends.

 

It will also help your social skills, which seems in need of improvement.

[somedude81]

How can we not talk about you when you're the one posting and we don't know this girl but know more about you?

 

In any case first thing: DON'T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF!

 

Don't immediately zoom in on this girl and try to date her and become all obsessed. Be casual. Be friends. Go out dancing like you planned and play it by ear.

 

Let things develop over time. If you go out and have a good time, continue talking, being friends, ask her to go out dancing again and see what happens.

 

But BE CHILL! Accept that she may or may not like you as more than a friend, so keep that in mind and allow yourself to see which it is without getting ahead of yourself and having tunnel vision where you are hell bent on "getting her" even though you haven't a clue if she wants you too. It's a two way street and you have to give and take and see where it's going and act accordingly.

 

Everything you said is exactly what I want to do. But I'm getting frustrated that none of the phone numbers I've gotten have turned into anything. Not even a single hangout. So far this semester I've tried to get four girls to hang out with me, three of them I approached from a friendship angle and the forth knows I want to date her. I'm getting tired of being around girls that I'd love to date, yet I can't even spend time with anybody.

 

Something is causing these girls to change their mind between the time they give me their number and make plans with me and the time we were supposed to go out.

[somedude81]

You needing to blow up when you're rejected is really bad and could get you in all kinds of trouble if you don't get to the bottom of it. And yes, in the workplace, none of these tactics will fly at all and could cost you your job.

 

Ask your therapist if he/she thinks an anger management course would help. They don't take long. I know someone it really helped. i probably need one myself, actually. I am speculating that your need to blow up is fear-based, as a lot of anger is. They can teach you diversion techniques and basically they specialize on getting to what your fear is that's driving this. And of course, often the anger is really you being angry at yourself, and I'm sure there's some of that here. But seriously, it's just a small course some courts make people take that might really get you in control of your emotions better.

 

Yes I'm very angry at myself and the anger itself is very based on feelings of frustration. I guess you can throw in fear of dying alone.

 

My therapist is talking about anger management with me but I'll mention an actual course to her.

 

Depression, low self-esteem/confidence, hating myself and anger are all interconnected.

[Weezy1973]

Something is causing these girls to change their mind between the time they give me their number and make plans with me and the time we were supposed to go out.

 

No, nothing is happening here. They're not interested in dating you, before, during, or after they've given you their phone number. Most women won't be interested in you (or any average dude) unless there's a connection where you have a lot in common, share the same sense of humour, have similar values etc.

[somedude81]

No, nothing is happening here. They're not interested in dating you, before, during, or after they've given you their phone number. Most women won't be interested in you (or any average dude) unless there's a connection where you have a lot in common, share the same sense of humour, have similar values etc.

 

So then why are they giving me their numbers and making plans with me?

 

And why do you assume that I have no connection or share any of the above you listed with these women?

[ASG]

So then why are they giving me their numbers and making plans with me?

 

And why do you assume that I have no connection or share any of the above you listed with these women?

 

Because they might want to make a friend? I have the number of many people I have no interest in dating. I am always open to new friends. I have plenty of male friends. I don't back off unless I feel like they want more than I'm willing to give, though. And I'm sensing that's what's happening with these girls.

[xxoo]

So then why are they giving me their numbers and making plans with me?

 

And why do you assume that I have no connection or share any of the above you listed with these women?

 

They may just be being friendly. Young women that age have a LOT of acquaintances and social contacts. Add numbers like candy.

 

They seriously may not even consider that you have romantic interest.

[MissBee]

Everything you said is exactly what I want to do. But I'm getting frustrated that none of the phone numbers I've gotten have turned into anything. Not even a single hangout. So far this semester I've tried to get four girls to hang out with me, three of them I approached from a friendship angle and the forth knows I want to date her. I'm getting tired of being around girls that I'd love to date, yet I can't even spend time with anybody.

 

Something is causing these girls to change their mind between the time they give me their number and make plans with me and the time we were supposed to go out.

 

The point though like I (and others) have tried to underscore is that you seem to have tunnel vision where you are so focus on an end-game (hanging out) that you're so frustrated or act like because these 4 women didn't want to hang out it's the end of the world.

 

I remember another poster gave an example in your other thread of business and pitching ideas and how you can do a 100 and if you get back 5 responses that's A LOT! (don't quote me on the details). But point is, in other areas of life people realize you may do something for a while before you're successful...you roll with it.

 

Whereas for you it's like from the start you have an end goal and see that as the only worthy thing and oh wow, 4 women, don't want to hang out. Okay so? 4 is NOT that significant of a number and many people ask out lots of people before it goes anywhere. In some ways I feel you make it seem like you have some unique problem and are so unfortunate when in reality this is the reality of most dating folks, the difference is, since they don't obsess or have these single-minded goals with people but are chill, it's MUCH easier for them to move on from these rejections. For you though, the way you act is like you invest $100,000 and $80 hours a week on these folks so it's this HUGE catastrophe and "waste" when you receive no returns. Yet, this isn't the case.

 

So that's what being chill is about. It seems you're arguing that you can't be chill because you tried to go out with 4 women and it didn't work out...again...so??? That's really not a huge number or that serious and you STILL need to maintain a more detached stance about being rejected. I would empathize a bit more about if you asked out 200 women and no one went out with you...but 4? Come on. Also you lament so much about you being single for a year...dude come on...again...this isn't some unique or catastrophic thing. Lots of people are single for much longer and sometimes it seems you think this is a legitimate reason to act the way you do, when lots of other people are single, not by choice either but don't behave this way.. You really have to cultivate a different outlook on the level of seriousness of your dating problems as well as your approach in terms of tunnel vision and approaching every woman like a $100,000 investment you made so are so disgruntled when it falls through.

[MissBee]

They may just be being friendly. Young women that age have a LOT of acquaintances and social contacts. Add numbers like candy.

 

They seriously may not even consider that you have romantic interest.

 

True. I've exchanged numbers with lots of men. Some I knew liked me and some I wasn't sure but it was as you said about social contacts. If we meet in a CLASS especially I'm not going to assume it's about dating versus if you cold approach me where I know it can only be one thing.