It seems like he's planning an exit strategy... [Updated]

[married2school]

You know what? I agree with you ^^ and thought about it....

 

I don't have fear of being with one person (commitment)...I have other fears (i.e. will he take my money and leave me dry, if I have kids will he leave us one day).

 

So yea, I mean the OP's bf pretty much said it - he said he didn't want to lose himself.

 

But I think I "now" know what may be going on here...

 

(1) When he asked the OP 'Do you wanna marry me?' I don't think he did it cuz he was proposing, I think he was asking her what "she" wants with him. So, he gave her the heads up that he isn't what she wants cuz even though she wants to eventually get married - after graduation, he's done. I mean, it isn't uncommon for people just to date during medical school and move on to get their "upgrade" in a spouse.

 

(2) He wants her to marry him, but since she wants to wait till after medical school, he feels like she's really not into him and is wasting his time. So, upon graduation, it's over for him.

 

So, which is it? Door #1 or #2?

 

1. But then again I'm the OP so maybe I don't get a vote.

 

I also don't want to necessarily wait until after medical school. I have known plenty of people to get married in fourth year of medical school. I don't necessarily feel it is 2, but I welcome any insight. I reference future stuff more than he does. In the winter, when I needed to book a hotel for my graduation out of state, he was very hesitant at first to say he wanted to go because he didn't want to think that far into the future. I asked several months ago if we could plan a trip to Europe next summer after we take the first part of our licensing exams. He acted strange. Later he said he didn't want to go that far away, and he would rather do something like go to Oregon where he could also look into residency programs. Then when we were in New Mexico, I said, "This would be a cool place for us to live." I really, really do not feel like I said this as a "Put a ring on my finger now and let's move to New Mexico!" I only meant that I wanted to continue being in a relationship with him indefinitely, and we were both enjoying NM so living here would be awesome, right? Nope, he complained. I profusely apologized.

 

It's just an awkward cycle. My feelings aren't developing or happening naturally anymore because I spend a good deal of my time stifling them.

[writergal]

He's ordered the two past cards on Etsy because they have been Star Wars themed, and he knows I love Star Wars. I ordered his on Etsy too because it was a diagram of a heart and reminded me of us being doctors.

 

But everything else. You pretty much nailed on the head I think.

 

heartshaped also said it pretty well. I think I want to ask him these questions I've been writing down because I want some closure to it all.

 

I am a HUGE Star Wars nerd too, married2school, but the content of your boyfriend's interstellar galactic anniversary card was full of what we in the Midwest like to call "bullpucky."

 

I'm sorry you found yourself ensnared by such a guy as this, but really, you deserve someone with more substance who actually treats you like a real girlfriend, not some med school stand-in.

[writergal]

1. But then again I'm the OP so maybe I don't get a vote.

 

I also don't want to necessarily wait until after medical school. I have known plenty of people to get married in fourth year of medical school. I don't necessarily feel it is 2, but I welcome any insight. I reference future stuff more than he does. In the winter, when I needed to book a hotel for my graduation out of state, he was very hesitant at first to say he wanted to go because he didn't want to think that far into the future. I asked several months ago if we could plan a trip to Europe next summer after we take the first part of our licensing exams. He acted strange. Later he said he didn't want to go that far away, and he would rather do something like go to Oregon where he could also look into residency programs. Then when we were in New Mexico, I said, "This would be a cool place for us to live." I really, really do not feel like I said this as a "Put a ring on my finger now and let's move to New Mexico!" I only meant that I wanted to continue being in a relationship with him indefinitely, and we were both enjoying NM so living here would be awesome, right? Nope, he complained. I profusely apologized.

 

It's just an awkward cycle. My feelings aren't developing or happening naturally anymore because I spend a good deal of my time stifling them.

 

In a healthy relationship, you'd never have to stifle your feelings. From what you've written above, it doesn't seem like either of you are even on the same page with what you want from each other in the relationship, let alone where to vacation in between semesters or exams.

 

Why would you ever want to marry this guy?

[smackie9]

OMG that anniversay card was like him patting you on the back. No passion, no unconditional love, nothing about "I don't know what I would do without you" or "You made me the man I am today." "Love you forever" There was absolutely nothing deep or heart felt about it. Kick him to the curb, in no way is this guy serious.

[BC1980]

1. But then again I'm the OP so maybe I don't get a vote.

 

I also don't want to necessarily wait until after medical school. I have known plenty of people to get married in fourth year of medical school. I don't necessarily feel it is 2, but I welcome any insight. I reference future stuff more than he does. In the winter, when I needed to book a hotel for my graduation out of state, he was very hesitant at first to say he wanted to go because he didn't want to think that far into the future. I asked several months ago if we could plan a trip to Europe next summer after we take the first part of our licensing exams. He acted strange. Later he said he didn't want to go that far away, and he would rather do something like go to Oregon where he could also look into residency programs. Then when we were in New Mexico, I said, "This would be a cool place for us to live." I really, really do not feel like I said this as a "Put a ring on my finger now and let's move to New Mexico!" I only meant that I wanted to continue being in a relationship with him indefinitely, and we were both enjoying NM so living here would be awesome, right? Nope, he complained. I profusely apologized.

 

It's just an awkward cycle. My feelings aren't developing or happening naturally anymore because I spend a good deal of my time stifling them.

 

It doesn't sound at all like you have been pushy. I think the pattern is that you have thrown some feelers out there to gauge where his head is. I think most people do that to see if they are on the same wavelength as their partner. The NM comment was just an off the cuff comment, but it showed you that he isn't interested in committing to a future with you. Same thing with the Europe trip. Some people are content to live in the moment and literally take it day by day, but, if you see through the smoke, you will realize that they have no intention of being with you for the long haul.

 

I think most people have dated someone like this, and it's very confusing because they can be very loving and fun in the moment. When there is no pressure to commit to a future, all is fine and dandy. If the future is a hypothetical, the relationship can be great. However, once the future becomes something concrete, it's like they become a different person.

[BC1980]

OMG that anniversay card was like him patting you on the back. No passion, no unconditional love, nothing about "I don't know what I would do without you" or "You made me the man I am today." "Love you forever" There was absolutely nothing deep or heart felt about it. Kick him to the curb, in no way is this guy serious.

 

I know. The card made me sad to read.

[writergal]

I know. The card made me sad to read.

 

Me too. It was such a metaphorical slap in the OP's face, that card. Devoid of any real passion or feeling or depth.

[Purepony]

I'm sorry I opened this thread

its confusing

 

Leave him and move on he sounds like a typical 34 year old who thinks.he's got it all figured out. .. find someone your age you can connect with and me more involved with

[BC1980]

Me too. It was such a metaphorical slap in the OP's face, that card. Devoid of any real passion or feeling or depth.

 

It reminded me of all my ex's attempts to write me cards. Like it was killing him to come up with some sort of sentiment. Ugh.

[melodymatters]

Awe, you seem like a sweet, smart girl with a good head on your shoulders !

 

HE, however, sounds like a ball of issues. The fact that he's ten years older than you and can't seem to even talk about the future without spazzing is a sign of dysfunction and immaturity in my opinion.

 

I didn't really have a problem with the card, some guys just aren't poets, or the mushy type.

 

Honestly I think you should cut your losses based on:

 

1) When people tell you who they are or what they want LISTEN TO THEM. If a man even said he was "unsure" whether he would want to be with me in 2 yrs, I'd split, but this guy is coming right out and TELLING you " No, I do NOT see myself marrying you or continuing to be with you after graduation."

 

and

 

2) I can NOT stand "snippy" people who overreact to simple comments. I can see a 13 yr old girl doing that, but a grown man ? If you have to watch everything you say and "apologise profusely" for doing what most couples do naturally : imagine a pleasant future thing, whether a trip, a concert or what kind of house you'd like to live in eventually, than he is an uptight jerk.

 

Yeah, meet up with him and get your closure but you deserve someone with a kind and giving heart who WANTS to talk about what kind of dog you guys might get someday !

[married2school]

You guys seriously don't know how much I appreciate all of your responses. It confirms A LOT for me.

 

I think for a few months now I've been trying to ignore a lot of stuff because to some degree, I can't help but feel sorry for him. It would appear from what I know about him that he has done this in every last relationship he's had. I think for a while I've thought that if I can just put up with it long enough he'll put some effort in working through his crap. I'm not sure he has any desire to work on anything though (or at least not in the context of a relationship with me). And I shouldn't put it on myself to wait on him to do anything about it. I don't deserve that.

 

But then there's also dealing with the feelings of thinking I'm stupid for not waking up sooner.

[married2school]

Ahh, came to the library to study, and my friends asked how I was doing. I shared that I had come to a decision. They made it sound like I needed to see if he was willing to deal with his ****.

 

Yay for the support of friends.

 

[heartshaped]

Ahh, came to the library to study, and my friends asked how I was doing. I shared that I had come to a decision. They made it sound like I needed to see if he was willing to deal with his ****.

 

Yay for the support of friends.

 

 

Listen, don't get me wrong, I think this man has issues obviously with commitment, etc.

 

But the fact that he's basically said that he has no desire to continue this after med school pretty much is the nail in the coffin. He doesn't want to work through his issues. He's seemingly content like this.

 

I'd discuss things with him once and for all to hash it out. But that would be it. He essentially wants a several year long 'fling'. This relationship has an end date in his mind and I don't think that's something you can change or work through with him.

[writergal]

I agree with you heartshaped. OP, your boyfriend's clearly told you the expiration date for this so-called relationship, aka med-school fling which is the graduate date for you both.

 

Time to call a spade a spade on this one. And your friends gave you horrible advice. You can change the color of man's pants, but you can't change his character.

 

He is who he is: the perpetual bachelor. He will never change unless he wants to. No woman - not even you - ever will change him, no matter how many compromises you make, or how many times you stifle your true feelings to please his (which by the way is not the sign of healthy communication between you and him).

[Diezel]

I read everything posted up until right now, so I won't rehash what others have said, but something you posted definitely caught my attention:

 

A lot of my frustration with the situation comes from feeling like when I allow my emotion and feelings to develop naturally about the relationship he sees it as an inconvenience. We were mountain biking around New Mexico last week, and I "let it slip" that "This would be a cool place for us to live." When he complained, I found myself apologizing for it. Another friend of mine in med school has been dating a guy for a similar length of time, and they are already discussing moving to Denver.

 

Yes, in a way this thread is about my exit strategy... I told a friend last night that it feels like he has already broken up with me. It just so happens it isn't today or this week, but instead, it's two years from now. If that is indeed what he is planning to do, then I think I owe it to myself to protect myself from any more emotional involvement and hurt and just get out as soon as I can, as best I can. But in addition to all of that, I was sort of curious about people's interpretation of his behavior, and mine for that matter... I'm definitely not perfect.

 

You don't need to be perfect, no one is... and no one will ever be. But you apologized to him for being YOU and NO ONE should ever apologize for being themselves.

 

I saw a show once where a quote just resonated with me: Disappoint others, hell disappoint everyone but NEVER disappoint YOURSELF.

 

If he finds your emotions and feelings to be an inconvenience then he just finds YOU to be an inconvenience. He wants you to be an extension of himself and you've molded yourself to be more like what he wants you to be and less like what you NEED to be in order to move on in life.

 

We all progress, mature, and develop in ANY relationship, even in the bad ones. But in the relationships that don't suit us for long-term, there will be a plateau, and I believe you have already gone past the plateau stage. He no longer fits your emotional needs.

 

That card is the kind of card I'd give to my girlfriend... on a Tuesday, for no reason. NOT on an anniversary. And I know her well enough to know that if I wrote that she'd simply ask, "Okay, where is my real anniversary card?"

 

Maybe it's time you stop apologizing for being yourself and just be yourself. If he doesn't like it, if it doesn't fit his schedule... he can go pound rocks.

 

As far as your friends are concerned, the hell with them. They aren't in that situation. They can go pound rocks too.

 

Fulfill your exit strategy. Your legacy is greater than this one guy, so don't let him get in the way of that. You owe that much to yourself.

[married2school]

Thanks you guys. I like all the different analogies and ways everyone is approaching this because it gives me different ways to think about it and process it.

 

Later one of my friends actually said that she thought I needed to do all of this on Monday. I think I might have misinterpreted our initial conversation. Another friend I was texting said she just thought I needed to ask him questions and talk to him to get a sense of closure - not to give him an opportunity to work it out.

 

Then I finally called my mom. I'm the liberal black sheep of the family so we've really grown apart over the years so I was hesitant to call her for advice. I was stunned by how amazing she was. She said she was very sad because she loves him and that she feels sorry for him because at this point he is just going to be a very lonely unhappy old man. Despite everything that we've said in this thread, he's not really an awful person, and believe me, my mom would see that. I think he's very confused and somewhat immature person for his age, and he treats people poorly based on that. At 34, he's still trying to find himself - I mean he did a complete career change to come to medical school. She sees a lot of the good the relationship has done for me - I used to be a really selfish brat of a kid, and to this point, I was unrelenting and behaved that way in my relationships. She said she saw a completely different person who was willing to communicate with people and consider their point of view. It makes me excited for the prospect of future relationships because I think I finally have a better handle on myself. But we also talked about how this has been a one-sided compromise, and he hasn't really compromised at all. It shouldn't be THIS much work, and when it feels like you're the only one working (and when you are the only one working), no one wants to stay in that. I wrote down this morning that it felt like pumping gas into a tank with a hole. She said maybe at some point he will regret what he's doing - it could be in six months and it could be in six years - but I can't sit and wait on him. I deserve better. Maybe someday he will work out his crap, but I don't think he will as long as he is being enabled. I can't stay in the relationship with the hope of that ever happening.

 

I texted him last night about meeting for lunch on Monday, and he has agreed to do that. I really want to be able to say my piece, and I don't know... it be really eloquent. I think part of me is concerned about that because I can be a better writer than I am speaker, but I guess regardless I'm coming out of this with a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders, so however it goes down, it can't be a bad thing.

 

Also, when I came home from the library at 1 AM this morning, I took down all the pictures of us and put them in a box so I don't have to look at them, and regardless of everything that has happened, doing that just feels sucky.

Edited October 25, 2014 by married2school

[SoleMate]

This man does not cherish you. He seems very cold-hearted. He's a poor bet to stake your life's hopes of a happy marriage and family on. I doubt if he has any long-term intentions toward you at all......but if he did, I would advise you to decline them. He just doesn't love you enough; he uses you like a practical convenience. ALL the data points that direction.

[married2school]

Oh, totally agreed.

 

I guess my thing is... I can choose to be angry about what has happened and let it affect my happiness. Or I can pity him for his inability to have any semblance of a normal relationship, shake my head, and move past what has happened and focus on making myself happy. Feeling angry isn't healthy for me, and it almost feels like I'm blaming myself. But I guess in a way I feel like pitying him removes me from this and makes me realize I very much couldn't fix this if I tried, and he simply isn't worth any effort to fix anyway.

[stillafool]

Stop feeling sorry for him, trust me he WILL be okay. He's going to be a single doctor for goodness sake, and will have no problems getting women. You deserve better and he could do better by you but he is his number one priority. Please don't waste your time pittying him. I agree with others to find a man closer to your own age who will treat you the way you deserve. This guy has issues, starting with his mother.

[married2school]

Point taken. It isn't my intention to waste time pitying him. I don't want to waste time feeling anything when I can acknowledge he is ****ed up and that I need to be happy and move on to someone that I deserve to have. But I think to some degree there is probably going to be a transition of emotions that I have, and I'll work through that as it comes. I've got a good enough head on my shoulders to realize I deserve better - or I wouldn't be doing this on Monday.

 

Just curious, did you read another thread I posted about his mom issues or did you gather that from this one? I don't remember alluding to his mother issues too much on this one which is why I'm curious. (Cause it's a pretty weird situation that definitely contributes to my getting out of this.)

[Diezel]

Be very prepared to not be able to say everything you want to or envision. Be very prepared for him to either get up and walk out or drown your words out with his own.

 

Like I keep telling a lot of people... closure is a relationship fallacy. Sometimes closure is the illusion of being able to tell people what you think you want to say or what they should hear, but that only works if they have nothing to say back.

 

There are few people who can sit there and just take someone else's version of closure and as human beings we will get defensive when feeling threatened, whether that's physically or emotionally.

 

I know you probably envision the Hollywood version of this "closure session", but do not be surprised if it doesn't go down that way.

 

Best of luck on Monday.

[BC1980]

Oh, totally agreed.

 

I guess my thing is... I can choose to be angry about what has happened and let it affect my happiness. Or I can pity him for his inability to have any semblance of a normal relationship, shake my head, and move past what has happened and focus on making myself happy. Feeling angry isn't healthy for me, and it almost feels like I'm blaming myself. But I guess in a way I feel like pitying him removes me from this and makes me realize I very much couldn't fix this if I tried, and he simply isn't worth any effort to fix anyway.

 

Anger is very normal to feel after a breakup. I would say it's unhealthy to let it fester and judge yourself for feeling it. It's completely okay to feel angry, and, often times, there is a very valid reason for the anger we feel (at ourselves or at our ex). I don't believe that you can choose how to feel. I believe that you can choose how you allow that emotion to affect you, but I don't buy into the notion that we can control our emotions.

[married2school]

Anger is very normal to feel after a breakup. I would say it's unhealthy to let it fester and judge yourself for feeling it. It's completely okay to feel angry, and, often times, there is a very valid reason for the anger we feel (at ourselves or at our ex). I don't believe that you can choose how to feel. I believe that you can choose how you allow that emotion to affect you, but I don't buy into the notion that we can control our emotions.

 

That's true. When I'm saying I don't want to be angry, I mean I don't want to let it affect things in my life. I don't want to let if affect moving on, doing well in school, and being happy.

[BC1980]

That's true. When I'm saying I don't want to be angry, I mean I don't want to let it affect things in my life. I don't want to let if affect moving on, doing well in school, and being happy.

 

Okay. Gotcha. Yeah, you don't want it to consume you and hold you back.

[stillafool]

Point taken. It isn't my intention to waste time pitying him. I don't want to waste time feeling anything when I can acknowledge he is ****ed up and that I need to be happy and move on to someone that I deserve to have. But I think to some degree there is probably going to be a transition of emotions that I have, and I'll work through that as it comes. I've got a good enough head on my shoulders to realize I deserve better - or I wouldn't be doing this on Monday.

 

Just curious, did you read another thread I posted about his mom issues or did you gather that from this one? I don't remember alluding to his mother issues too much on this one which is why I'm curious. (Cause it's a pretty weird situation that definitely contributes to my getting out of this.)

 

Sorry, I've been away a few days and just reading this. No I haven't read anything else but I think you mentioned his mother ordering him around as if he is still a child; that's why I wrote that. I think he is looking for a weaker woman to marry; someone unlike his mother but he won't be happy nor satisfied.