Men: Sad we have to worry about being creepy?

[AD1980]

This is totally true; but I'd also warn away from correlating shy with loyal. I can't speak for all women but in my experience the two things are in no way related. Doesn't mean shy guys aren't loyal, just doesn't mean they necessarily are, either.

 

Blanket assumptions in general are probably a bad idea.

 

I agree just like being shy or not great socially doesn't automatically make a guy a creep..unfortunately women seem to judge shy dudes pretty harshly

[Keenly]

With all due respect, I think attraction to certain traits is irrational but not trivial. If you're attracted to certain things and turned off by others, then it might be confusing but still very salient. Just because feelings are difficult to make sense of doesn't mean they're to be cast aside or that they can be rationalized. If shyness is a turn off for someone there isn't much that can be done about it.

 

People can like whatever they like, its no skin off my nose. If people believe others are unnattractive or don't find them to be good potential partners because they are shy, that's fine.

 

Anecdotally, the stories of " confident " men and women being disloyal or bad partners sure seem to outnumber the others, especially on this forum in the OW OM sections.

[Imported]

I don't see the problem here other than it being self-created. You're probably hounding on women that have no interest in you if you come off as creepy. You probably don't know to just let it go and move on if a girl obviously has no interest in you. Guys that try to play the "act like friends and hope attraction grows" are probably the ones that get labeled creepy. And I think they probably are, cause you know.....their actions are underhanded and they are not reading social cues.

 

Some guys dealings with women, the women are silently responding 'no no no' with their behaviour and the guy is still there thinking "if she'll only just give me a chance...'

 

Just stop.

 

Find women that are actually interested in you and will return your flirting with a postive response and you won't be 'creepy'.

[Keenly]

The one time I got called a creep was when I was stopping at a stop sign next to a high school and I saw some young girl doing some kind of wierd dance.

 

I watched her for about 4 seconds before she noticed me and yelled CREEP.

 

 

At least I have rythym

[Imported]

People can like whatever they like, its no skin off my nose. If people believe others are unnattractive or don't find them to be good potential partners because they are shy, that's fine.

 

Anecdotally, the stories of " confident " men and women being disloyal or bad partners sure seem to outnumber the others, especially on this forum in the OW OM sections.

 

 

There's a pretty good chance that most of the women are with men that were at least "confident" enough to do all the leg work in getting those women. That there is less report of "shy guys" have marital problems with women simply because there is less of them.

 

It's not about shy or confident, it's about going for what you want. If you can't even do that, than that is your own problem.

[BlueIris]

Gentleman:

 

This was kind of inspired about the "Good Ol Days of dating" thread, where men have had to struggle with dealing with women when it comes to dating.

 

So often I see on these threads/boards that men are asking advice on here without coming off "being creepy".

 

Isn't it kind of sad that it's come to this? Why do we have to walk on eggshells, seriously?

 

We're so worried about offending someone these days, isn't it a shame? Men, can you list any situations where you've felt like you might be walking on eggshells with a woman?

 

EVERYONE, regardless of gender, is “at risk” of being seen in a way that they don’t want to be seen, by one or many people. It’s a universal human/social issue that starts in primary school, maybe earlier. Either you’re content with how people perceive you, it doesn’t matter what others think, you care about how you’re perceived and you modify your own behavior- or some blend.

 

If you don’t think you’re creepy, don’t worry about whether this one woman thought you were creepy. The only choices are really either (1) walk away from her, or, (2) think about why she or others might view you a certain way, learn and understand rather than getting your hackles up in defense, and change your behavior- if you want to.

 

To me, you don’t seem concerned or worried, you sound as though you think you’re being victimized, and you’re angry about it- and the post comes off as passive aggressive to me. Maybe read about passive aggression.

Passive Aggressive Behavior - Band Back Together

[JuneJulySeptember]

Sucks for women who think this way , since shy guys usually make loyal and attentive partners.

 

It's true!

 

One of my friends who is the nicest guy (and has $ too) would come off creepy to guys. He had a stutter and dressed a little badly. To make up for being shy, he'd come up to women slightly more aggressive than he probably should have. A couple of my friends called him creepy, and these were not Sex in the City types. They were nerdy international grad students. That guy is married now and takes great care of his wife and her daughter. I was like "You think XXX is creepy? What, he's the nicest guy?"

 

Another one of my friends, women love. Confident, smooth talker, and he's the classic player. Married with a kid and still goes after women.

 

Anyway, nothing should really be surprising about what turns women off and on anymore. It's been covered in a jallion threads.

[Woggle]

I see threads by some women asking why men don't approach women anymore and this is a big reason. It just isn't worth getting chewed out.

[Rejected Rosebud]

You guys shouldn't worry about being seen as creepy and walking on eggshells and all of that. Just be yourself. If a girl doesn't like you and thinks you're creepy, I guess you're better off without her because she doesn't appreciate you for who you are, right? Also for the record I ONLY like shy guys and being shy or insecure does not equal creepy to me. If I get a creepy vibe from a guy, I am walking the other way, that's all there is to it. I don't care if he'd think it was fair or not.

[Keenly]

There's a pretty good chance that most of the women are with men that were at least "confident" enough to do all the leg work in getting those women. That there is less report of "shy guys" have marital problems with women simply because there is less of them.

 

It's not about shy or confident, it's about going for what you want. If you can't even do that, than that is your own problem.

 

Pretty exactly what I've said In every " who should ask out whom " thread.

[irc333]

Yeah these were the Sex In the City types.

 

Usually though when women cry stalker...I think "Get over yourself"

 

 

It's true!

 

One of my friends who is the nicest guy (and has $ too) would come off creepy to guys. He had a stutter and dressed a little badly. To make up for being shy, he'd come up to women slightly more aggressive than he probably should have. A couple of my friends called him creepy, and these were not Sex in the City types. They were nerdy international grad students. That guy is married now and takes great care of his wife and her daughter. I was like "You think XXX is creepy? What, he's the nicest guy?"

 

Another one of my friends, women love. Confident, smooth talker, and he's the classic player. Married with a kid and still goes after women.

 

Anyway, nothing should really be surprising about what turns women off and on anymore. It's been covered in a jallion threads.

[JuneJulySeptember]

There's a pretty good chance that most of the women are with men that were at least "confident" enough to do all the leg work in getting those women. That there is less report of "shy guys" have marital problems with women simply because there is less of them.

 

It's not about shy or confident, it's about going for what you want. If you can't even do that, than that is your own problem.

 

And it's a pretty good bet that the guys who are coming off as creepy are going for the women that they want, and thus are able to be seen as creepy!

 

A man who is too wussy to approach a woman cannot be creepy because he doesn't even approach her.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Yeah these were the Sex In the City types.

 

Usually though when women cry stalker...I think "Get over yourself"

 

I expect that from those types. Some of those types don't even like most guys touching them in any way.

 

But no, this was a fairly nerdy international woman.

[xxoo]

Creepy means the woman felt uncomfortable. People who are very shy or socially awkward can easily make others feel uncomfortable. Maybe you're not picking up on the social signals when a woman wants to end a conversation, things like giving very short answers (one or two words, no elaboration), looking around the room rather than focusing eyes on your, crossing her arms across her chest, etc.

 

Charm is the opposite: the ability to make others feel very comfortable. It's really nothing more than that, but those are good skills to read and learn about.

[serial muse]

I expect that from those types. Some of those types don't even like most guys touching them in any way.

 

But no, this was a fairly nerdy international woman.

 

What I don't get here is that you yourself noted that his manner was perhaps overly aggressive and also awkward. Sure, he may be a great guy, but how is a woman going to know that? If a guy comes up to me and behaves the way you described him, I'm not going to find that appealing. That's not because I'm shallow, it's because I'm a human being, like all women. I mean, come on. Seriously? What exactly are we all supposed to see through? You may be the most amazing human being on the planet but I cannot read your damn mind. There's a trope out there that women want men to read their minds...but I'll tell you, reading LS you would think it's the exact opposite! You're asking a hell of a lot.

 

It's great that he found someone, and I'd bet dollars to donuts that he didn't do it by behaving the same way he did to these nerdy international women you speak of. It was probably a friends-first situation, where he could behave more like himself. And, ta-da.

[Imported]

And it's a pretty good bet that the guys who are coming off as creepy are going for the women that they want, and thus are able to be seen as creepy!

 

A man who is too wussy to approach a woman cannot be creepy because he doesn't even approach her.

 

No, not really.

 

You should try for the women you want. You should also realize when they don't want you, accept it and move on.

 

In many cases, you can figure this out without even going up to them.

 

The "wussy" guys behaviour, even if they don't approach, can be very evident that they are interested in the girl and yet those guys do nothing. Kinda like if you say , 'don't touch me' and I were to put my finger in front of your face and repeatedly say 'I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you' over and over.

 

Those "wussy" guys don't actually approach but they hover around and just make things awkward and uncomfortable. They're thinking in terms like months later they're gonna get an oppertunity to be closer to their target of interest and somehow magically things will work out, while writing post and starting threads about how unfair it is women don't take the same risk and approach.

[Imported]

Pretty exactly what I've said In every " who should ask out whom " thread.

 

 

So are you getting what you want?

 

And do you really think the majority of women aren't having guys coming up to them and generally get action from guys?

[xxoo]

You should try for the women you want. You should also realize when they don't want you, accept it and move on.

 

This is where the creepy feeling often comes from. Most guys can discern signs of interest/disinterest from body language and communication cues as I detailed above.

 

Those who can't (or won't) put women in an uncomfortable situation. She's got to be very blunt in a way that feels rude in order for him to understand she isn't interested.

 

We don't always know if a man can't or won't. For those in the "won't" category, they are deliberately making women feel uncomfortable. And in the situation, we don't know if the guy is deliberately making us feel uncomfortable (Red Flag! Warning! Get away from this guy!) or if he is simply socially unaware (in which case he gets more compassion).

[GemmaUK]

I had to quote some of what these folk said....

 

Creepy guys are the ones who stare too long or say overly sexual things right away and seem like a possible danger to women..

 

This is what I see as creepy.

 

 

I don't see the problem here other than it being self-created. You're probably hounding on women that have no interest in you if you come off as creepy. You probably don't know to just let it go and move on if a girl obviously has no interest in you. Guys that try to play the "act like friends and hope attraction grows" are probably the ones that get labeled creepy. And I think they probably are, cause you know.....their actions are underhanded and they are not reading social cues.

 

Some guys dealings with women, the women are silently responding 'no no no' with their behaviour and the guy is still there thinking "if she'll only just give me a chance...'

This is also creepy as the guy is just not getting the obvious signals and women are taught to 'be nice' from when we were tiny so mostly we don't say anything but just try to cut the convo short and get away.

It usually means we have less hassle the less we say too so that is another reason not to say anything as we have to consider safety.

 

 

IMO, the majority of adult men out there rarely if ever creep out women, and interact with them pretty well with little or no effort.

 

Absolutely true!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I work in a company with around 150 staff in the UK office, I think we are pretty evenly split male to female ratio.

There is only one man who creeps all of the women out.

He hasn't even approached them all or flirted with them all but I don't know any woman who is not creeped by him.

FWIW he is pretty secure in himself and confident. He is about average compared to the other guys in terms of confidence and security.

 

IRC, one thing someone else posted is that you do seem to hone in on new females...I can't quite remember what the other poster said but maybe you have a reputation for this?

Also, I know you have met women at meet up and then seen them on OLD and mailed them because you have met them. Did you get the impressions these women were interested in you or did you just mail them?

If it's the latter and just because you met them that can be seen as creepy.

Don't forget, women do talk to each other.

 

If you are being seen as creepy more than twice I would seriously step back and ask what you are doing and why this is happening as the common denominator is you.

[preraph]

It hasn't just come to this, though. Truth is it's getting better, but you can't wipe out milleniums of brutal cave-mannery and the survival instincts that women had to develop to survive within 50 years. There are still third-world nations where rape is a wholesale pasttime, and other brutal acts.

 

Men are overall stronger physically than women and for as long as our genetic chain goes back, women have had to do their best to survive that, learn to avoid it, try to get one man protect them against roving men, get the most capable man they could who wasn't as brutal as the others to keep the others at bay.

 

There's always been those men who were the top dogs in a tribe and got their pick and the men who got little or nothing. That really hasn't changed. Those men who got nothing because they weren't strong enough to be the leader, some of them reconciled themselves to enjoy life anyway, some were pleasant enough that they attracted a woman, and some became sneaky and tried to find ways to get at a woman.

 

Profilers will tell you that it's mainly cowards who hurt or kill women, children and animals. Guys who do surveillance on women do it because they can't deal with them face to face, for whatever reason, are some of the most dangerous men for women. Profilers know that there are men who don't have the courage to take on a lucid alert woman but would rather incapacitate a women with alcohol or drugs because of his fear of dealing with a live, capable women, and that that is more about gus own fear and insecuirty than overcoming hers.

 

Women have every reason to be suspicious of sneaky watchful men, men who can't just be open and up front with them. They have perfectly intact instincts that tell them something is off.

[Phoe]

Shy and awkward is not creepy.

 

The mentally disturbed man roaming outside the back of my work building, making gurgling noises and spitting blood, is creepy.

[Phoe]

I also agree that shy and quiet does not mean loyal.

 

I always dated the shy, quiet, nerdy ones, and they all cheated except for one.

[Haydn]

Very true.

 

When i was much younger and had a peanut for a brain and the only things of any importance talking to me were my hormonal longings to `Score` i missed every single sign. Not long after, i soon put the pieces together and realised `she` was not remotely interested and i must have come across as a bit `weird`. Hence the `creep` theory.

 

Although i must add i am not remotely creepy and i always keep a spare toothbrush primed.

 

Life lessons i guess. (The toothbrush i mean)

 

 

This is where the creepy feeling often comes from. Most guys can discern signs of interest/disinterest from body language and communication cues as I detailed above.

 

Those who can't (or won't) put women in an uncomfortable situation. She's got to be very blunt in a way that feels rude in order for him to understand she isn't interested.

 

We don't always know if a man can't or won't. For those in the "won't" category, they are deliberately making women feel uncomfortable. And in the situation, we don't know if the guy is deliberately making us feel uncomfortable (Red Flag! Warning! Get away from this guy!) or if he is simply socially unaware (in which case he gets more compassion).

[JuneJulySeptember]

What I don't get here is that you yourself noted that his manner was perhaps overly aggressive and also awkward. Sure, he may be a great guy, but how is a woman going to know that? If a guy comes up to me and behaves the way you described him, I'm not going to find that appealing. That's not because I'm shallow, it's because I'm a human being, like all women. I mean, come on. Seriously? What exactly are we all supposed to see through? You may be the most amazing human being on the planet but I cannot read your damn mind. There's a trope out there that women want men to read their minds...but I'll tell you, reading LS you would think it's the exact opposite! You're asking a hell of a lot.

 

It's great that he found someone, and I'd bet dollars to donuts that he didn't do it by behaving the same way he did to these nerdy international women you speak of. It was probably a friends-first situation, where he could behave more like himself. And, ta-da.

 

When I said slightly more aggressive, I meant slightly more aggressive than what society might dictate.

 

I mean, he's a short, chubby, nerdy looking Asian guy who was friends with all of us for many years. And she knew all of us.

 

Her definition of creepy just meant he was 'weird and unsmooth'.

 

My definition of creepy ain't that. It's like a 50 year old guy trying to pick up a 17 year old at a high school or something.

 

If a woman came up to me and was weird and unsmooth, would I talk to her? Yes. Do I care? No. When was the last time I found a woman creepy? I can't recall.

 

But honestly, I don't care. People can be as picky and discriminating as they want and blow people off. Whatever tickles 'em.

Edited October 20, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember

[JuneJulySeptember]

No, not really.

 

You should try for the women you want. You should also realize when they don't want you, accept it and move on.

 

In many cases, you can figure this out without even going up to them.

 

The "wussy" guys behaviour, even if they don't approach, can be very evident that they are interested in the girl and yet those guys do nothing. Kinda like if you say , 'don't touch me' and I were to put my finger in front of your face and repeatedly say 'I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you' over and over.

 

Those "wussy" guys don't actually approach but they hover around and just make things awkward and uncomfortable. They're thinking in terms like months later they're gonna get an oppertunity to be closer to their target of interest and somehow magically things will work out, while writing post and starting threads about how unfair it is women don't take the same risk and approach.

 

I was using the term 'wussy' guys as sarcastic exaggeration.

 

Like I said, write off as many guys as you want.

 

You're right. Guys have to learn to take rejection and not care. #1 lesson to learn.