how do you handle crazy girls?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by haywood

so sorry to stir up comotion. let's just stick to my problem huh? haha. anyways, i thought about it somemore.

 

it seems as if she does have these "fits" just when i things were going fine. and after these "fits" we'd actually get more emotionally involved. so it's not like it's going nowhere but actually more of a smoothing out some wrinkles.

 

my question is this, could she actually have been so hurt before that this is some kind of subconcious defense mechanism that she's putting on me? i truly believe she can be so much more to me. it's as if she's trying to retract what she said about loving me because it means so much to her. so she's trying to nit pick about anything that would bother her just so she can justify why she shouldn't be with me. could be an explanation. we'll never know.

 

another question. say that this theory of mine is true. that she is putting up these walls. do you think that if and when she finally trusts me, she can finally stop these "fits"?

 

thanks to all who responded. i find it a great form of support.

 

Sorry haywood - you touched a nerve, being that I am a "crazy person".

 

Yes, it is entirely possible that she was so hurt in the past that she is putting up walls, pushing you away - that she really WANTS to be close to you and love and be loved, but (a) doesn't feel worthy of good treatment, (b) is afraid that you will pull away once you really get to know her/make a committment to her, © is frightened of what that committment means in terms of increasing her vulnerability.

[WhereSpiritsRoam]

Originally posted by blind_otter

Sorry haywood - you touched a nerve, being that I am a "crazy person".

 

Yes, it is entirely possible that she was so hurt in the past that she is putting up walls, pushing you away - that she really WANTS to be close to you and love and be loved, but (a) doesn't feel worthy of good treatment, (b) is afraid that you will pull away once you really get to know her/make a committment to her, © is frightened of what that committment means in terms of increasing her vulnerability.

 

What you said precisely describes a girl I was recently interested in. She had all of the above. I just wasn't able to handle the constant insecurity.

[Sckott]

Originally posted by haywood

 

another question. say that this theory of mine is true. that she is putting up these walls. do you think that if and when she finally trusts me, she can finally stop these "fits"?

 

 

Never. These aren't at all about you or what you can do to stop it. It will get worse eventually and you'll end up with a lot of doubt in yourself that is unhealthy. Your theory is correct. She is putting up a wall. Once she starts to do that (also because she's not letting you in) she will not listen to you. I would back off.

 

I wish you luck!

[WhereSpiritsRoam]

Originally posted by Sckott

Never. These aren't at all about you or what you can do to stop it. It will get worse eventually and you'll end up with a lot of doubt in yourself that is unhealthy. Your theory is correct. She is putting up a wall. Once she starts to do that (also because she's not letting you in) she will not listen to you. I would back off.

 

I wish you luck!

 

Walls = Serious Red Flags.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by WhereSpiritsRoam

What you said precisely describes a girl I was recently interested in. She had all of the above. I just wasn't able to handle the constant insecurity.

 

Yeeeeeeeeah. I won't even touch THAT comment with a 10 foot pool in fear of you saying "you want a piece?"......

 

See here's the thing, wouldn't it be nice if we all grew up in emotionally healthy homes with intact families, with no poverty, no traumas, no bad things happening in our past?

 

But this world does not exist. Again, it's about being complimentary. Few people would "get" my Dad, who is a great man - who having fought in 2 wars has "issues", but my Mom does, because she grew up in wartime Saigon....so they have been married 35+ years.

 

Like I said in my first post, if you are strong enough to handle it, haywood, you will be able to. Relationships aren't about love and roses and birds singing - they are hard work. I do hope you find it in you to stick it out and find out what works for the two of you, if that's what you want. My Dad always said anything worth having is worth fighting for.

[Sckott]

Originally posted by WhereSpiritsRoam

What you said precisely describes a girl I was recently interested in. She had all of the above. I just wasn't able to handle the constant insecurity.

 

Same here. She could not (and can't) grow beyond those insecurities. Didn't matter what I said or did. Even with true love feelings...

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Sckott

Same here. She could not (and can't) grow beyond those insecurities. Didn't matter what I said or did. Even with true love feelings...

 

Because it's not about you - it's about her taking the steps she needs to take to get healthy, inside or outside of a relationship. And love isn't what makes a relationship work. It's what makes a relationship START.

[WhereSpiritsRoam]

Originally posted by blind_otter

Yeeeeeeeeah. I won't even touch THAT comment with a 10 foot pool in fear of you saying "you want a piece?"......

 

?

[Sckott]

Originally posted by blind_otter

Because it's not about you - it's about her taking the steps she needs to take to get healthy, inside or outside of a relationship. And love isn't what makes a relationship work. It's what makes a relationship START.

 

Truly.

 

Sad because the 1st instinct is to "help" but....

[Podna]

Originally posted by blind_otter

 

 

Because it's not about you - it's about her taking the steps she needs to take to get healthy, inside or outside of a relationship. And love isn't what makes a relationship work. It's what makes a relationship START.

 

So as I read it, the moral of the story is: you should put up with whatever is thrown at you no matter what, because it’s not about you, it’s about them. Who cares if this becomes a one sided relationship or not. You have to take what is given no matter what otherwise you are weak. Relationships are supposed to be complimentary to both parties as long as both parties are the personalities of the person with schizophrenia. If you can’t take it that means you are, Weak! Weak! Weak!

 

So I guess, stick in there pall. Maybe someday the world will explode and you won’t have to deal anymore…

 

My advice still stands though, Run away Forrest! RUN!!!

[blind_otter]

haywood -

 

maybe she is looking for something bad, because that's what she expects to/wants to find? Like, ok, some people may disagree (including a certain poster who changed his SN because of a tiff) - but alphamale ascribes to the "chicks like bad dudes" idea, and in many ways he is right. My good friend K always says, he is a good guy who has been walked over before, so he does this thing where he treats girls like bitches about 50% of the time (hey, ya know, we are bitches more than 50% of the time, usually so that's funnn-nay)....I dunno, maybe she is purposely looking for something bad about you so she doesn't lose attraction?

 

Honestly sometimes with "good" guys (especially the ones who walk around proclaiming that they are "good" guys) - I get bored. Because "good" guys can also be the guys who "have no idea how to seduce a woman" kinda guys.....just a thought.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Podna

So as I read it, the moral of the story is: you should put up with whatever is thrown at you no matter what, because it’s not about you, it’s about them. Who cares if this becomes a one sided relationship or not. You have to take what is given no matter what otherwise you are weak. Relationships are supposed to be complimentary to both parties as long as both parties are the personalities of the person with schizophrenia. If you can’t take it that means you are, Weak! Weak! Weak!

 

So I guess, stick in there pall. Maybe someday the world will explode and you won’t have to deal anymore…

 

My advice still stands though, Run away Forrest! RUN!!!

 

Wow. Reading....aaaand....

 

Dear Podna, your assertion is off base and kinda weirding me out.

 

Post: 47 | Quote:

 

 

Honestly - you sound like it would be detrimental for someone with mental health issues to date you, so you have the universe's permission to not date them ha ha ha.

 

That said, just because you can't handle it doesn't mean other people can't. So, accepting those differences is fine, right?

 

Hope you find an unbroken person some day.

[Podna]

Originally posted by blind_otter

Wow. Reading....aaaand....

 

Dear Podna, your assertion is off base and kinda weirding me out.

 

 

Go figure..

[d'Arthez]

Podna, if you read blind_otters post (47) well, you would have understood that she meant the person with the personality disorder, and not you. For some people with a personality disorder that is hard to understand, though. You know that, do you?

[blind_otter]

See, what I am reading on this thread is a few posts of useful advice, and a bunch of guys who are bitter about being rejected and therefore projecting their personal issues with their past relationships on this poor guy who just wants advice. Of course only a moron would be like, "hey, a bunch of strangers on a message board told me to stop dating this cool chick I've been seeing, so I'll dump her tonight!"

[Podna]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

Podna, if you read blind_otters post (47) well, you would have understood that she meant the person with the personality disorder, and not you. For some people with a personality disorder that is hard to understand, though. You know that, do you?

So now your diagnonsense is that I have some kind of disorder? Sweet, now I can be in the club and get loads of benefits from my employer!

Originally posted by blind_otter

See, what I am reading on this thread is a few posts of useful advice, and a bunch of guys who are bitter about being rejected and therefore projecting their personal issues with their past relationships on this poor guy who just wants advice. Of course only a moron would be like, "hey, a bunch of strangers on a message board told me to stop dating this cool chick I've been seeing, so I'll dump her tonight!"

 

I’m sorry if I have offended you folks. But the political correctness of today’s society makes me want to puke. What is next I wonder? “I’m not wrong! I am factually challenged!”

 

My problem isn’t with people who have disorders. My father had bipolar manic-depression from his youth until he died. They had him on all kinds of drugs all along. Sometimes he was stable and sometimes not. I watched my mother for years struggle with his mood swings and irrational behavior and she was never happy. It was stressful for me and my siblings and stressful for all involved. Does that mean nobody can be happy under such circumstances? No. But many would be better off to never get involved with someone like that because they are setting themselves up for a potential life of hardship.

 

Now I know we have wondered far from the territory of this thread, but I just can’t stand by and watch people accuse those of us who CHOOSE not to be involved with a person who has a personality disorder, or whatever, as being cowards or weak or somehow morally bankrupt.

 

You may think I am “bitter about being rejected and therefore projecting [my] personal issues with [my] past relationships on this poor guy” but this is untrue and irrelevant. I am simply saying that just because someone chooses not to date someone with loads of emotional baggage does not make them wrong or weak. IMO it makes them smart and experienced.

[haywood]

otter, the fact that you say you are/were one of these crazy girls makes me understand things better. it's not like i'm the super duper nice guy that get walked all over. i say i'm "genuinely" a nice guy. i'm not "the" nice guy that has to constantly beg for some attention. i'd say i'm somewhat confident of myself of how i am with women.

 

it's just that i feel maybe, just maybe, she's just so insecure that she see's this confidence as a threat. where she's afraid that i'll hurt her. so that's probably why she's being so nit picky with my behavior. she's so contradicting. she says she doesn't want any form of pda and when i act like she's just a friend, she takes it as if i don't care about her.

 

i feel like ive gotten to know her enough to try to work it out. honestly i've been with a crazy girl in the past. i ended it before it went anywhere but with this girl, we've already developed deeper feelings for each other. trust me i know there's a limit of what i can take. but just needed some advice as to how to get her to finally realize that she can have some faith in me.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by haywood

otter, the fact that you say you are/were one of these crazy girls makes me understand things better. it's not like i'm the super duper nice guy that get walked all over. i say i'm "genuinely" a nice guy. i'm not "the" nice guy that has to constantly beg for some attention. i'd say i'm somewhat confident of myself of how i am with women.

 

it's just that i feel maybe, just maybe, she's just so insecure that she see's this confidence as a threat. where she's afraid that i'll hurt her. so that's probably why she's being so nit picky with my behavior. she's so contradicting. she says she doesn't want any form of pda and when i act like she's just a friend, she takes it as if i don't care about her.

 

i feel like ive gotten to know her enough to try to work it out. honestly i've been with a crazy girl in the past. i ended it before it went anywhere but with this girl, we've already developed deeper feelings for each other. trust me i know there's a limit of what i can take. but just needed some advice as to how to get her to finally realize that she can have some faith in me.

 

You seem like a real stand-up kinda dude, and honestly, I feel like you may have the personal strength of character to handle this.

 

I am *sure* she is afraid that you will hurt her. And maybe is is spaztic about PDA because you work together, however limited your contact is....have you sat down and been like, well you said you don't like PDA, but when I don't hold your hand you feel like I don't care, so what will work for you?

 

The way you can get her to realize she can have faith in you is to be firm and consistent, and NOT smarmy and overly sentimental. Be strong and sure about what you want, what you need, and be realistic about what you can expect, too. I mean, it's been 5 months, so you can sit down and have "the conversation" - not necessarily like, what are we and where are we going, but maybe "this is how I feel, this is what I want and what I can give, how do you feel about that?" - that kind of thing. Does that make sense?

 

Sometimes I think the most successful way to deal with "crazy" girls is to play "the game" - but it's not really the game that is the issue. If the chemistry is there, if you two are both like-minded in what you want and you both have realistic expectations - well then, I think that is a good sign in and of itself

[d'Arthez]

Podna, you read her comment totally wrong and you had to be confronted with your worst fear to read properly. Suddenly you were able to do just that, as you built heavily on this "misreading."

Furthermore if you understand something of the various personality disorders, you would know that you would:

1) not understand the comment.

2) deny if "guilty", that is deny if diagnosed.

 

Considering you are already declared morally bankrupt earlier in this thread, it was because of the words you used to describe people who suffer from a personality disorder. Not because you chose not to date them, but because you described them as broken, and in the context of your quote "defective." Don't twist your words, it is what you said. If you have to twist my words to believe that what you wrote is true, I might reconsider the negative diagnosis.

 

Hardships and especially potential hardships are part of life. If you can't handle the latter, then you have serious issues. In fact people need some hardships and trouble to learn things in life.

 

I am simply saying that just because someone chooses not to date someone with loads of emotional baggage does not make them wrong or weak. IMO it makes them smart and experienced.

 

If you have no experience and date someone with no experience, that makes you experienced? No.

You admit to a weakness when you exclude certain categories of people, because you cannot handle them. Like the obese, like the people suffering from a personality disorder. That's not necessarily smart. It is smart if you can't deal with it. The way you word yourself, I'd call it prejudiced.

[haywood]

damn otter, thanks so much. you've given me some hope in this. i understand that there's no such thing as a perfect person and you seem to understand that too. actually it has gotten to that point where i do need to have this discussion with her about what we both want. we have both admitted that we're tired of this fighting. but i hope she realizes that she has to take some of the blame too.

 

a lot of my friends tell me that i've taken too much crap from her already. but we all realize it's easier to say than do especially when you're the one involved. i give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

the situation as of right now is that we are not speaking as much as we used to. we make small talk but if and when the discussion is about us, she replies with "i don't know what to say" i'm still playing the pms card but that was from this monday. hahah.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by haywood

damn otter, thanks so much. you've given me some hope in this. i understand that there's no such thing as a perfect person and you seem to understand that too. actually it has gotten to that point where i do need to have this discussion with her about what we both want. we have both admitted that we're tired of this fighting. but i hope she realizes that she has to take some of the blame too.

 

a lot of my friends tell me that i've taken too much crap from her already. but we all realize it's easier to say than do especially when you're the one involved. i give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

the situation as of right now is that we are not speaking as much as we used to. we make small talk but if and when the discussion is about us, she replies with "i don't know what to say" i'm still playing the pms card but that was from this monday. hahah.

 

Yeah, officially we only get "pms time" like at most 5 days out of the month. Unless she has some crazy hormonal issue. And admittedly, when I was on ortho-tri-cyclin I was even crazier than normal, so take that for what it's worth.

 

"I don't know what to say" can sometimes mean "I don't know" (really) or sometimes it means, "I do know what to say but I am afraid of what you will do if I say it"....the thing is, you have to let her know outright - YOU are the one who gets to decide whether you like her, whether she's worth it for you to spend your time working towards a relationship that is harmonious - YOU are the one who gets to decide how you want to spend your time. She can't *think* that she is worthless and therefore make the decision for you, get me?

[haywood]

otter, you are a goldmine. so basically i should give her sorta an ultimatum of whether or not she wants to be with me or not. correct me if i'm wrong or if there's an alternate way of saying this. i have been thinking this was gonna come up next time i talked to her.

 

it's sad but won't she reject the idea of not getting "together" because of her fears? won't she think that since we've argued that the perfect guy wouldn't have argued and so why continue with me?

 

how long does it take for you to get over the issue at hand and try to work on it? or what makes you decide it's not worth working on anymore?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by haywood

otter, you are a goldmine. so basically i should give her sorta an ultimatum of whether or not she wants to be with me or not. correct me if i'm wrong or if there's an alternate way of saying this. i have been thinking this was gonna come up next time i talked to her.

 

it's sad but won't she reject the idea of not getting "together" because of her fears? won't she think that since we've argued that the perfect guy wouldn't have argued and so why continue with me?

 

how long does it take for you to get over the issue at hand and try to work on it? or what makes you decide it's not worth working on anymore?

 

I have spent YEARS on some issues, days on others - it's all about what you are dedicated to addressing at the time. If you are working hard, it is easier to fix problems....

 

I'm not saying ultimatum at all, I'm saying, let her know - even if she feels bad about herself, or insecure, or whatever - you get to decide how to spend your time. She can't just think she is not worth it and FORCE you to not want to be with her - see what I'm saying?

 

So you just need to let her know, she is wanted, desired, you care for her and think she is an awesome-cool chick - but that in the end, she needs to make just as much effort as you do.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by haywood

been dating for 5 months. as soon as things are good, she gets mad at me for no apparent reason. typical drama queen. but the good times far out weigh the bad. we both love each other but i don't know how to keep going on with this. she pushes me away and then grabs me back. it's an emotional rollercoaster and i don't wanna give up on her yet. it feels like just when we're getting close she'll point out some occasion where she felt like i was neglecting her. what should i do?

 

Truly crazy b*tches like to be treated poorly. Treat em mean, keep em keen.

 

I don't think your girlfriend fits that description.

 

 

Instead, I think you're too indulgent. Simply state that if she has a problem with your behaviour to let you know in plain words rather than wait and bring it up days or weeks later when the details might not be so fresh.

 

Asking her if she wants to "be with you" will only give her more power over you. You need to STATE that if things continue like this the relationship is doomed. And then spell out clearly what needs to change.

 

 

People don't respect people who say "do you wanna be with me? huh, huh?"

[haywood]

okay spock, taken that in consideration. as of the moment she's still upset. should i just wait it out and do some nc till she contacts me and then work explain it to her?

 

here's the deal. i just don't know how to confront her with this behavior because she may take it bad and she'll get more upset. understanding that should give me my answer to just leave her but like i said before, i want to try to work it out. i still have the patience right now.