Does it ever make you feel good or better than the other person?

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

I say this is the most caring way possible:

 

You're coming off as incredibly desperate. I won't say you'll find someone, but I will say you definitely won't find a decent person if you're thinking that you NEED a boyfriend.

 

You're about to graduate and go into the workforce, you'll have money to go out, socialize, meet people. Maybe you can find a decent person this way!

 

I'm a year and a half from graduating. Which puts me at 25 almost 26, then I will be looking for a job because most of the time in my field you don't just get one right after graduation, sometimes you do sometimes you don't. So I'm basically going to likely be 26 and single then what? That's awful. Also like I said above my field is flooded with women. So let me just go twiddle my thumbs and wait on a guy to show up. Waiting until I graduate and have a job is a bad option as far as I'm concerned

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Question, so I read all these responses about how I'm immature and maladjusted and all my flaws basically. But say I did meet someone tomorrow who wanted to date and get married, what happens to people like me who get into relationships or married? I personally feel I can be an awesome gf and wife but you all seem to not think so. I'm just curious what do you think would happen to me if it did happen now?

[Natsu21]

Question, so I read all these responses about how I'm immature and maladjusted and all my flaws basically. But say I did meet someone tomorrow who wanted to date and get married, what happens to people like me who get into relationships or married? I personally feel I can be an awesome gf and wife but you all seem to not think so. I'm just curious what do you think would happen to me if it did happen now?

 

I really do love your open honest about something a lot of women are afraid to admit.

 

If you meet someone you like, then you should date them, however, be prepared for all consequences, good and bad.

 

People are telling you these things from experience. It's their way of being concerned. However, I'd say that the best teacher is experience. You might end up with a long lasting fairy-tale like relationship, or not. Just keep doing you. You'll either learn or stay in a cycle.

 

I feel you. One of my biggest fears is ending up lonely. But truth is, I tried rushing into marriage, but the both of us weren't married. It ended horribly.

 

Even if I like relationships, I have to like myself or my life is going to be miserable.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

I really do love your open honest about something a lot of women are afraid to admit.

 

If you meet someone you like, then you should date them, however, be prepared for all consequences, good and bad.

 

People are telling you these things from experience. It's their way of being concerned. However, I'd say that the best teacher is experience. You might end up with a long lasting fairy-tale like relationship, or not. Just keep doing you. You'll either learn or stay in a cycle.

 

I feel you. One of my biggest fears is ending up lonely. But truth is, I tried rushing into marriage, but the both of us weren't married. It ended horribly.

 

Even if I like relationships, I have to like myself or my life is going to be miserable.

 

I don't hate myself though, I feel like people feel like I just totally hate myself and that's how I got into this situation. I definitely have things I don't like about myself even some low self esteem struggles but I just feel like that's always been there. What causes it will ALWAYS be there so it isn't getting better, I can't just stop my life and dating because of it.

[Natsu21]

Actually, I read your thread, KeepCalm.

 

I shook my head. You're the definition of desperate. You are sleeping with a soon to be married man, and you get a KICK out of betraying his wife, but you're all over the boards wanting a marriage?

 

That's like a porn star's boyfriend expecting to be the only one in the relationship.

 

You do realize that a marriage is a loyal commitment between a man and a woman? One you're outright violating? You think if he leaves you and marries you, you'll have him forever.

 

I've seen girls like you, the ones who get off on having the power and ego stroking of taking a man that is with someone else. It wreaks of low self-esteem, and no self-respecting man you want. I call it "Tori Spelling Syndrome"

 

And from the looks of Torri, she looks a suicidal mess. This is a train wreck waiting to happen. And the truth is, most people love watching train wrecks.

 

You seem like such an intelligent young woman, yet you're more emotionally backwards than the moonwalk when it comes to this guy.

 

We're telling you this because you fail to grasp the reality of your situation. Your fear of being alone is fueling this fantasy in your head of winning the handsome prince from the evil witch that you've portrayed this other woman just like in that Taylor Swift song "You Belong With Me"

 

You're living in a dream...but eventually you'll have to wake up. No man worth his salt is going to commit to someone like you when you act like a desperate woman who gets off being an accomplice to a cheating man, ESPECIALLY when you would hate if a man did the same to you.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

But say I did meet someone tomorrow who wanted to date and get married, what happens to people like me who get into relationships or married? I personally feel I can be an awesome gf and wife but you all seem to not think so. I'm just curious what do you think would happen to me if it did happen now?

 

 

Quite a few members have chimed in and laid out (in several) threads what your future might hold if you follow through with this plan already.

 

What happens to people like you who get into relationships? Well, you've kind of already shown yourself to be willing to settle in terms of how you're treated so that's already not a good sign.

 

Suffice it to say, things will not be all rainbows and sunshine just because you think you'd make an awesome wife and mother. Being a good spouse or parent is more than your ability to receive love from others or give cuddles. Being able to maintain a relationship, let alone a marriage requires emotional maturity and financial stability. What does this dream husband of yours do for work, anyway? Where do you see yourself living and off of what?

 

Judging by the kinds of men you date or are willing to date, it doesn't seem like too much of a stretch to assume he probably won't be a very great catch nor have the necessary maturity/stability to actually provide for a family. At this point it's clear you'd be willing to get with a guy based primarily on the simple fact that he would have you. And if things happen on your timetable you'd be pregnant or even about to give birth shortly after graduation, so at the point when you're supposed to be fully entering the workforce, you'll be taking maternity leave.

 

The sheen of being married will fade rather quickly once you find yourself struggling for money and waking up next to an underemployed man-child every day. With a screaming baby no less.

 

And before you call me "mean" or something again I want you to understand that all this is based solely on your posts. You're in a sexual relationship with an engaged man, you recently had to basically be strong-armed by members here into dropping another, disrespect a*hole from OLD who was verbally abusive and told you you didn't act "black enough". Oh and another guy you previously "dated" was just interested in you for sex. These men are not what good partners are made of yet you keep choosing them. I have little doubt the next guy won't be much different.

[Natsu21]

Quite a few members have chimed in and laid out (in several) threads what your future might hold if you follow through with this plan already.

 

What happens to people like you who get into relationships? Well, you've kind of already shown yourself to be willing to settle in terms of how you're treated so that's already not a good sign.

 

Suffice it to say, things will not be all rainbows and sunshine just because you think you'd make an awesome wife and mother. Being a good spouse or parent is more than your ability to receive love from others or give cuddles. Being able to maintain a relationship, let alone a marriage requires emotional maturity and financial stability. What does this dream husband of yours do for work, anyway? Where do you see yourself living and off of what?

 

Judging by the kinds of men you date or are willing to date, it doesn't seem like too much of a stretch to assume he probably won't be a very great catch nor have the necessary maturity/stability to actually provide for a family. At this point it's clear you'd be willing to get with a guy based primarily on the simple fact that he would have you. And if things happen on your timetable you'd be pregnant or even about to give birth shortly after graduation, so at the point when you're supposed to be fully entering the workforce, you'll be taking maternity leave.

 

The sheen of being married will fade rather quickly once you find yourself struggling for money and waking up next to an underemployed man-child every day. With a screaming baby no less.

 

And before you call me "mean" or something again I want you to understand that all this is based solely on your posts. You're in a sexual relationship with an engaged man, you recently had to basically be strong-armed by members here into dropping another, disrespect a*hole from OLD who was verbally abusive and told you you didn't act "black enough". Oh and another guy you previously "dated" was just interested in you for sex. These men are not what good partners are made of yet you keep choosing them. I have little doubt the next guy won't be much different.

 

KeepCalm, a former friend of mine graduated high school, and then she met a guy. She met all kinds of crappy guys. This guy she "stole" from another woman.

 

She got him to get her pregnant. Lied about having birth control.

 

When I first spoke to her, she had this idealism that they were going to have such a happy marriage and that their kids are going to live great.

 

But when the kid was born, it fell apart. She and him were arguing, he turned to drugs, she became abusive, and their child was taken from them. I want to repeat, KeepCalm, the STATE took their kid because they couldn't support it.

 

She wanted kids soon. She got one, and couldn't keep it. Her husband is now cheating on her as well.

 

It's a hell of a mess that she made look like a fairy tale. You remind me a lot of her too. She's Southern, wanted a traditional marriage, and wanted kids early.

 

She's 20, and her life is in tatters...she lost her kid and is supporting a crying grown man who cuts himself and uses drugs. If you wanna rush things, use this as a reference.

 

The best thing for you is not always the glamorous. But nothing sticks to you like a cold, hard lesson.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

KeepCalm, a former friend of mine graduated high school, and then she met a guy. She met all kinds of crappy guys. This guy she "stole" from another woman.

 

She got him to get her pregnant. Lied about having birth control.

 

When I first spoke to her, she had this idealism that they were going to have such a happy marriage and that their kids are going to live great.

 

But when the kid was born, it fell apart. She and him were arguing, he turned to drugs, she became abusive, and their child was taken from them. I want to repeat, KeepCalm, the STATE took their kid because they couldn't support it.

 

She wanted kids soon. She got one, and couldn't keep it. Her husband is now cheating on her as well.

 

It's a hell of a mess that she made look like a fairy tale. You remind me a lot of her too. She's Southern, wanted a traditional marriage, and wanted kids early.

 

She's 20, and her life is in tatters...she lost her kid and is supporting a crying grown man who cuts himself and uses drugs. If you wanna rush things, use this as a reference.

 

The best thing for you is not always the glamorous. But nothing sticks to you like a cold, hard lesson.

 

She went about it in a dumb way. I'm also not 20 I inow how to take care of kids

[Natsu21]

She went about it in a dumb way. I'm also not 20 I inow how to take care of kids

 

Are you ****ing delusional? What makes you think you're better at taking care of kids?

 

Seriously, most of the OW in relationships I can somewhat understand their position, but your case...I have no words. It's just THAT sad.

 

You're a pretty good example as to why me being single isn't so bad. The alternate would be to date someone like you, which from the way you're treating yourself, would be an absolute nightmare because you're SO DAMN CLINGY!

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Are you ****ing delusional? What makes you think you're better at taking care of kids?

 

Seriously, most of the OW in relationships I can somewhat understand their position, but your case...I have no words. It's just THAT sad.

 

You're a pretty good example as to why me being single isn't so bad. The alternate would be to date someone like you, which from the way you're treating yourself, would be an absolute nightmare because you're SO DAMN CLINGY!

 

First of all workinf with kids everyday is how I know how to take care of them. Devoting a large part of my education to studying children and early childhood development is how I know about taking care of children. Thank you.

 

Actually dating me would be pretty ****ing awesome thanks..

[Natsu21]

Guys will see you as nothing more than a practice girl because you don't make a guy work for it. Time for some tough love.

 

You and the majority of Southern women get on my LAST nerves with your cultural notions that if a woman isn't a housewife she isn't worth anything. It's ALL OVER THE SOUTH.....Country songs always sing about it.

 

It's seriously everywhere here. Girls are taught that nothing is more fulfilling or beautiful than having a husband provide for you and a baby to look after. Many of them fall into this romantic view and then when it actually happens, they realize how tough it really is.

 

Then they cry and wish they hadn't wasted their youth now that they have a kid to look after.

 

You seriously are someone I would actively avoid because you have no ambition, no passion for life. Your goal is clearly to trap a man and that's all you value yourself as. Because of that, all I would see you as is a one night stand, or someone I'd screw conveniently. You're too easy to be wife material.

 

To be honest though, you're really cute but I still would not want to deal with your desperation. Wake up and stop trying to put your life on a timetable. You could die the next day and still not have a kid, or yet, you could end up being sterile and unable to have any. Find something else to aspire to than being married and a housewife.

[purplesorrow]

First of all workinf with kids everyday is how I know how to take care of them. Devoting a large part of my education to studying children and early childhood development is how I know about taking care of children. Thank you.

 

Actually dating me would be pretty ****ing awesome thanks..

 

Well why do you think no one serious is interested in such a ****ing opportunity?

[Natsu21]

First of all workinf with kids everyday is how I know how to take care of them. Devoting a large part of my education to studying children and early childhood development is how I know about taking care of children. Thank you.

 

Actually dating me would be pretty ****ing awesome thanks..

 

Gee, I didn't realize dating a side chick was so amazing.

 

Be right back, I'm gonna take my self-respect and leave it at the door. That is all I'll need to do before I start dating you.

[Natsu21]

I know this is supposed to be a sympathetic forum, but my patience has run out.

 

Please, get help,, and until you get help, please don't breed.

 

A kid needs a mother, not a little girl playing house.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Guys will see you as nothing more than a practice girl because you don't make a guy work for it. Time for some tough love.

 

You and the majority of Southern women get on my LAST nerves with your cultural notions that if a woman isn't a housewife she isn't worth anything. It's ALL OVER THE SOUTH.....Country songs always sing about it.

 

It's seriously everywhere here. Girls are taught that nothing is more fulfilling or beautiful than having a husband provide for you and a baby to look after. Many of them fall into this romantic view and then when it actually happens, they realize how tough it really is.

 

Then they cry and wish they hadn't wasted their youth now that they have a kid to look after.

 

You seriously are someone I would actively avoid because you have no ambition, no passion for life. Your goal is clearly to trap a man and that's all you value yourself as. Because of that, all I would see you as is a one night stand, or someone I'd screw conveniently. You're too easy to be wife material.

 

To be honest though, you're really cute but I still would not want to deal with your desperation. Wake up and stop trying to put your life on a timetable. You could die the next day and still not have a kid, or yet, you could end up being sterile and unable to have any. Find something else to aspire to than being married and a housewife.

 

I do have goals and passions and dreams I am in school pursuing them. At the same time I don't think it is wrong to aspire to more than being a slave in the working world. I understand my timeline is a little rushed and I get it I should chill. Maybe I don't need marriage or babies today but getting a bf would be great, a long term boyfriend, that eventually leads to marriage. Like I know I keep referring to the engaged guy but the way his situation worked out is ideal. He met her in grad school at 23 dated went to the military got deployed she was there, she was pursuing a PHD which took them from kentucky to my home state and now here they are 5 years later, living together, getting married next summer. That's ideal (waiting 5 years isn't but if I just knew it would happen that would be good).

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Well why do you think no one serious is interested in such a ****ing opportunity?

 

Because people are dumb.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

You're a person. Hmmm, maybe you have a point.

 

Dude, I don't see how you (nor anyone else for that matter) continuing to entertain...........this, is in any way productive. This is 17 pages of circular arguments that go nowhere and result in nothing. I personally have written thousands of words to this girl only to be called 'mean' or flat out ignored.

 

It's so maddening it makes me want to tear my hair out because she won't hear a word of it. It's like talking to a petulant child. She wants to be married to a hot guy and get her baby bump. No matter the cost. But that's life and you can't fix everyone. I really think it's just time to let this one go. Lost cause?

 

I must say, Halloween's fast approaching so I've been catching up on my horror films but this thread is by far one of the most terrifying things I have ever seen.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Dude, I don't see how you (nor anyone else for that matter) continuing to entertain...........this, is in any way productive. This is 17 pages of circular arguments that go nowhere and result in nothing. I personally have written thousands of words to this girl only to be called 'mean' or flat out ignored.

 

It's so maddening it makes me want to tear my hair out because she won't hear a word of it. It's like talking to a petulant child. She wants to be married to a hot guy and get her baby bump. No matter the cost. But that's life and you can't fix everyone. I really think it's just time to let this one go. Lost cause?

 

I must say, Halloween's fast approaching so I've been catching up on my horror films but this thread is by far one of the most terrifying things I have ever seen.

 

I have listened to what you have said, what everyone has said. I deleted my dating profiles. I mean that is major for me because I had no intent to do that. I haven't the engaged guy in a few days. I don't know how I will react when he texts me but I will try to just ignore it. I listen. I don't like harshness or being attacked. I get defensive and you said some very harsh and just plain old mean stuff.

 

I am honestly going to make an effort because I do want to get into a relationship soon, so I assume the sooner I do the self work the sooner I will get the guy. It might not be the best motivation but it is why I am doing it. I am honest with myself

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I have listened to what you have said, what everyone has said. I deleted my dating profiles. I mean that is major for me because I had no intent to do that. I haven't the engaged guy in a few days. I don't know how I will react when he texts me but I will try to just ignore it. I listen. I don't like harshness or being attacked. I get defensive and you said some very harsh and just plain old mean stuff.

 

I am honestly going to make an effort because I do want to get into a relationship soon, so I assume the sooner I do the self work the sooner I will get the guy. It might not be the best motivation but it is why I am doing it. I am honest with myself

 

No, because you're really not hearing anything that's being said. You honestly plan to pretty much just plow through "working on yourself" in order to hurry up and get a man. That's....that's not how this works. That's not how any of this works. You need to be working on yourself so you can be okay with yourself. You're supposed to be doing the work so that you don't feel this ridiculous need to trap a man in order to feel like a complete person.

 

You're supposed to be retraining your brain so that you don't feel better about yourself for being a sexual plaything I mean, in your original post you literally admitted to feeling some sense of pride about this. You feel good about yourself by being just barely good enough for a nearly married man to sometimes want to screw . That's really embarrassing and definitely not the kind of damage that gets fixed with a few sessions in therapy and a pottery class.

 

All that work people keep telling you to do, it's not so you can slap on a band-aid over that bullet wound you call a mental state and snag a man. It's supposed to help you become a better person who, while acknowledging it's nice not to have a companion in life, doesn't feel it is the be all and end all to your existence.

 

You have unrealistic expectations and we keep telling you that.

 

You say don't like harshness or being attacked (yet I never once attacked you so....) but what you really don't like is the truth. And the truth is no, with the way you are now, unless you undergo some kind of dramatic shift in attitude, you will never get your happy ending. No decent (and hot! because god knows he HAS to be hot!!) guy is going to marry you. Not now and not ever.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

No, because you're really not hearing anything that's being said. You honestly plan to pretty much just plow through "working on yourself" in order to hurry up and get a man. That's....that's not how this works. That's not how any of this works. You need to be working on yourself so you can be okay with yourself. You're supposed to be doing the work so that you don't feel this ridiculous need to trap a man in order to feel like a complete person.

 

You're supposed to be retraining your brain so that you don't feel better about yourself for being a sexual plaything I mean, in your original post you literally admitted to feeling some sense of pride about this. You feel good about yourself by being just barely good enough for a nearly married man to sometimes want to screw . That's really embarrassing and definitely not the kind of damage that gets fixed with a few sessions in therapy and a pottery class.

 

All that work people keep telling you to do, it's not so you can slap on a band-aid over that bullet wound you call a mental state and snag a man. It's supposed to help you become a better person who, while acknowledging it's nice not to have a companion in life, doesn't feel it is the be all and end all to your existence.

 

You have unrealistic expectations and we keep telling you that.

 

You say don't like harshness or being attacked (yet I never once attacked you so....) but what you really don't like is the truth. And the truth is no, with the way you are now, unless you undergo some kind of dramatic shift in attitude, you will never get your happy ending. No decent (and hot! because god knows he HAS to be hot!!) guy is going to marry you. Not now and not ever.

 

You don't know that I'm a good person and someone could want to marry me. I hate when people say that YOU DONT KNOW! You don't predict the future.

 

I am going to do the work does it matter what the motivation is? It's going to be done.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

You don't know that I'm a good person and someone could want to marry me. I hate when people say that YOU DONT KNOW! You don't predict the future.

 

I am going to do the work does it matter what the motivation is? It's going to be done.

 

> A woman starts a thread bragging about her part in an affair and writes post after post about how good helping some guy cheat makes her feel about herself and how she is justified in these activities because he's getting married to another woman she is jealous of.

 

> Calls herself a good person.

 

There's not enough starch in the world for all this irony.

 

The thing is, you really aren't though. I'm sorry - and maybe no one has told you this - but good people, they just don't do the things you do. You are selfish to your very core. I can't predict the future but I can definitely make an educated guess that yours will be bleak.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

> A woman starts a thread bragging about her part in an affair and writes post after post about how good helping some guy cheat makes her feel about herself and how she is justified in these activities because he's getting married to another woman she is jealous of.

 

> Calls herself a good person.

 

There's not enough starch in the world for all this irony.

 

The thing is, you really aren't though. I'm sorry - and maybe no one has told you this - but good people, they just don't do the things you do. You are selfish to your very core. I can't predict the future but I can definitely make an educated guess that yours will be bleak.

You're just being mean. What would you know? Are you married?

I did get into a bad situation but I'm not a bad person. I didn't do it for the same reason someone who was bad would. You're just mean. You truly are and I'm sorry for you that you have to bully me. If that makes you feel good then ok. You were cheated on werent you? So you feel the need to take it out on otgers who get involved in these situations right?

 

I misread your other post where you said if I don't change I won't find anyone ok that's a little better. I thought you were saying no matter what I won't find someone. I said I was making a change... Didn't you read that.

Edited October 26, 2014 by KeepCalmCarryOn

[peaksandvalleys]

When I first started reading here so many moons ago, there was a young woman who had similar views as yourself. She was I believe mentally ill and had some kind of physical limitation as well. I wish I could recall her name but she made thread after thread about wanting a man so badly.

 

She was jealous of everyone. Talked about how educated, smart, pretty she was but her inside was ugly. She talked about what a great mother she would be if she just had a man young and had children now. That girl was scary. If anyone remembers and can direct this person to her threads maybe it would open her eyes to what others actually see when she posts.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

When I first started reading here so many moons ago, there was a young woman who had similar views as yourself. She was I believe mentally ill and had some kind of physical limitation as well. I wish I could recall her name but she made thread after thread about wanting a man so badly.

 

She was jealous of everyone. Talked about how educated, smart, pretty she was but her inside was ugly. She talked about what a great mother she would be if she just had a man young and had children now. That girl was scary. If anyone remembers and can direct this person to her threads maybe it would open her eyes to what others actually see when she posts.

 

In all honesty I don't care. I'm sorry I just don't. I just want to know how to find a boyfriend I don't care about anything else, so unless you're telling me how to do that... Or how to quickly improve myself and what I'm supposed to do... I don't care. I'm sorry I'm just exhausted with this. Everyone on here just makes me feel so ****ty and worry about everything I hate it. I love the advice but hate everyone making me worry

[peaksandvalleys]

In all honesty I don't care. I'm sorry I just don't. I just want to know how to find a boyfriend I don't care about anything else, so unless you're telling me how to do that... Or how to quickly improve myself and what I'm supposed to do... I don't care. I'm sorry I'm just exhausted with this. Everyone on here just makes me feel so ****ty and worry about everything I hate it. I love the advice but hate everyone making me worry

 

No one can make you worry but have it your way.