How long should you be chatting with someone on OLD before you mention exchanging num

[quidproquo89]

I sent an old prospect a message today attempting to arrange a date that we spoke and agreed we both wanted to go on. But she hasn't replied and has been on OLD.

 

I guess I'll wait till tomorrow for a reply? if not message tomorrow?

[insert_name]

I sent an old prospect a message today attempting to arrange a date that we spoke and agreed we both wanted to go on. But she hasn't replied and has been on OLD.

 

I guess I'll wait till tomorrow for a reply? if not message tomorrow?

 

Just my opinion, but I would keep my dignity and not chase, I'm sure shes perfectly capable of reading a message and deciding whether she wants to meet. If she has been on OLD since then she's either taking time to craft a response (totally plausible) or just moved on. I'd move on too- if you do hear back then it will be a bonus.

[quidproquo89]

Just my opinion, but I would keep my dignity and not chase, I'm sure shes perfectly capable of reading a message and deciding whether she wants to meet. If she has been on OLD since then she's either taking time to craft a response (totally plausible) or just moved on. I'd move on too- if you do hear back then it will be a bonus.

 

I will always keep my dignity. I'm hoping that I'm not being rejected before we've met - doesn't give one much of a chance especially as you don't know somebody until you do meet

[MissBee]

For me, I like that to happen as soon as possible. I like to talk to a man on the phone, hear his voice and have a conversation versus text all day so if we talk online and exchange a few messages and it's going well I'll usually offer him my number, he doesn't always have to ask, or if he asks I don't mind.

 

If I ignore the number request it's because I'm not interested. However, if I'm not interested I generally won't go back and forth with messages either.

[quidproquo89]

For me, I like that to happen as soon as possible. I like to talk to a man on the phone, hear his voice and have a conversation versus text all day so if we talk online and exchange a few messages and it's going well I'll usually offer him my number, he doesn't always have to ask, or if he asks I don't mind.

 

If I ignore the number request it's because I'm not interested. However, if I'm not interested I generally won't go back and forth with messages either.

 

I will see what happens tomorrow. Doesn't make sense to go through a week or so of back and forth simply to drop someone just before a date.

 

We'll see...

[Ruby Slippers]

I would say that if you try to move it beyond messaging and she doesn't reply, let it go. If I'm interested in a guy, I definitely respond.

 

Now, sometimes I just quickly check my messages on the go from my phone and don't have time to reply right then. But if I'm interested, I'll definitely reply by the end of the day, or at least within 24 hours, to keep things moving forward.

[IronZ]

Don't worry, its not verbatim. I have a very unique style of writing (my vocabulary is often commented on as being very impressive) and if I were to write what I actually say it would be easily googleable so I'm goin to keep it up my sleeve.

 

The principle however is still the same. The way I see it, they are on a dating site to date people so provided you can get more than two replies from them you have to assume that at some point in the very near future they are going to be expecting to be asked on a date and exchange numbers - so it makes sense to do the two at once. From what I have read on here women usually are very wary about giving their number out early, so this approach is all about testing them early on by giving them a day to meet on and then offering them the chance to confirm if they want by giving out their number. If they don't then they probably just wanted a pen friend- so nothing lost and time saved.

 

So I don't see the need to build up to it. Of course its a lot neater to pose the question at the right time and that should be fairly intuitive anyway. But again, doing everything in stages seems to be dragging things out to me

Its also very upfront and very honest. It makes me cringe when people say about using the whole "I hate to message via OLD, we should text, here's my number!!1" stuff as its really contrived. You are better off just being blunt and upfront and if it doesn't pay off well you have to ask why they are there if you have to jump through so many hoops to get them to accept a number and arrange a date.

 

I have to disagree with that. When you meet someone on a dating site and you start chatting, there's always that thought up in the air that the purpose of it all is to eventually date. You're talking to each other to see if you can click together. Dating sites are terrible with communication though as it's easy to get lost in the herd, so you want to give them your number so you can move to texting as it's a bit more personal.

 

Once you get to texting, you can talk for a little bit and gauge your interest before finally making the move. I think if you ask for their number and to go out in the same breath it's too much too soon. Patience is a virtue.

[quidproquo89]

I would say that if you try to move it beyond messaging and she doesn't reply, let it go. If I'm interested in a guy, I definitely respond.

 

Now, sometimes I just quickly check my messages on the go from my phone and don't have time to reply right then. But if I'm interested, I'll definitely reply by the end of the day, or at least within 24 hours, to keep things moving forward.

 

yesterday it was ' i'd love to meet' today - nothing.

 

I've deleted the texts as not to remind me of her and if she pops up again it will be a pleasant surprise. If not the deleting was a process of moving on. Annoying though

[quidproquo89]

I would say that if you try to move it beyond messaging and she doesn't reply, let it go. If I'm interested in a guy, I definitely respond.

 

Now, sometimes I just quickly check my messages on the go from my phone and don't have time to reply right then. But if I'm interested, I'll definitely reply by the end of the day, or at least within 24 hours, to keep things moving forward.

 

me mentioning meeting and then messaging the next day couldn't be seen as being too eager could it - I was just trying to be efficient and get a date locked in place?

[quidproquo89]

I've deleted my pof account now, big waste of time. Saw that girl on there this morning whilst ignoring my message and its all the same faces. I spend way too much time on there so I've cut loose from it

[quidproquo89]

I've deleted my pof account now, big waste of time. Saw that girl on there this morning whilst ignoring my message and its all the same faces. I spend way too much time on there so I've cut loose from it

 

so ironic, shes just text me, haven't read it yet lol

[Ruby Slippers]

me mentioning meeting and then messaging the next day couldn't be seen as being too eager could it - I was just trying to be efficient and get a date locked in place?

I don't think so. After being back on an OLD site for one week, I'm already realizing that it's better to meet soon, rather than spend a bunch of time getting to know someone, only to find there's no connection in person.

 

Now my preference is:

 

1. Handful of messages, enough to establish you have common interests and communication style
   
2. Little bit of texting to reinforce the above
   
3. Phone call to gauge intellectual and conversational connection
   
4. Brief, no-pressure meet-up, which can be extended if you hit it off
   

 

I cancelled my second date yesterday, because the guy was asking me to travel further to meet. Fail!

[quidproquo89]

I don't think so. After being back on an OLD site for one week, I'm already realizing that it's better to meet soon, rather than spend a bunch of time getting to know someone, only to find there's no connection in person.

 

Now my preference is:

 

1. Handful of messages, enough to establish you have common interests and communication style
   
2. Little bit of texting to reinforce the above
   
3. Phone call to gauge intellectual and conversational connection
   
4. Brief, no-pressure meet-up, which can be extended if you hit it off
   

I cancelled my second date yesterday, because the guy was asking me to travel further to meet. Fail!

 

how much further did he want you to travel?

[Ruby Slippers]

how much further did he want you to travel?

More than halfway. It would have been a 15-minute drive for him and 30-minute drive for me. And he suggested some generic place, so it's not like we were going to a fantastic attraction. I'm used to the man offering to come somewhere close to me to make it easy on me, and I strongly prefer that kind of guy. I would have been fine with halfway, but asking me to travel further was a huge turn-off that immediately killed any interest I had. I was very clear in communicating to him what turned me off. And then he offered a compromise, but I was already completely turned off that he would even make the lazy suggestion he did, so game over.

[quidproquo89]

More than halfway. It would have been a 15-minute drive for him and 30-minute drive for me. And he suggested some generic place, so it's not like we were going to a fantastic attraction. I'm used to the man offering to come somewhere close to me to make it easy on me, and I strongly prefer that kind of guy. I would have been fine with halfway, but asking me to travel further was a huge turn-off that immediately killed any interest I had. I was very clear in communicating to him what turned me off. And then he offered a compromise, but I was already completely turned off that he would even make the lazy suggestion he did, so game over.

 

that sounds a bit harsh. Granted the man makes the effort to travel - but I wouldnt ditch somebody because of it.

 

We are meeting next thursday and are meeting at a pub that is generic - but it was her choice of venue. We joked about taking a walk around the cliffs in the dark could be a bit dangerous lol.

 

But still the date idea is quite a simple one.

 

What was his suggestion - or was it rather how it was delivered?

[quidproquo89]

I should have seen the red flag with someone I dated a month ago when she said she dislikes dates, normally chickens out and almost needed convincing to 'man up' and turn up.

 

You shouldnt have to persuade somebody

[Ruby Slippers]

that sounds a bit harsh. Granted the man makes the effort to travel - but I wouldnt ditch somebody because of it.

This told me he's not willing to make much of an effort. I'd rather be single than be with some lazy, halfhearted guy. The guy for me would never be so lame.

[quidproquo89]

This told me he's not willing to make much of an effort. I'd rather be single than be with some lazy, halfhearted guy. The guy for me would never be so lame.

 

do you mind if I ask how exactly this came about? You were meant to meet and then he said what? I can't travel as far or something?

[Ruby Slippers]

We agreed he would pick the place and check in with me about it. He suggested a place that was closer to him. I thought, "Seriously? Eww, huge turn off," and lost interest. I told him I didn't want to meet anymore, told him why, and then he suggested a place closer to me. But my heart had already sunk, interest was obliterated. And then he kind of got on my case about it, so that was really the nail in the coffin. I've learned that dating should be easy and fun - if it's not, move on. He was too argumentative in general, and that was one more example. I would have felt much better about him coming closer to me, but if he had picked a place that was halfway between, that would have been OK and I would have gone.

Edited October 22, 2014 by Ruby Slippers

[quidproquo89]

We agreed he would pick the place and check in with me about it. He suggested a place that was closer to him. I thought, "Seriously? Eww, huge turn off," and lost interest. I told him I didn't want to meet anymore, told him why, and then he suggested a place closer to me. But my heart had already sunk, interest was obliterated. And then he kind of got on my case about it, so that was really the nail in the coffin. I've learned that dating should be easy and fun - if it's not, move on. He was too argumentative in general, and that was one more example. I would have felt much better about him coming closer to me, but if he had picked a place that was halfway between, that would have been OK and I would have gone.

 

fair enough. As a rule I travel to the woman, out of courtesy so I do understand. Travelled an 1 hr and a half last month. Luckily only a half hour next week .

[insert_name]

I have to disagree with that. When you meet someone on a dating site and you start chatting, there's always that thought up in the air that the purpose of it all is to eventually date. You're talking to each other to see if you can click together. Dating sites are terrible with communication though as it's easy to get lost in the herd, so you want to give them your number so you can move to texting as it's a bit more personal.

 

Once you get to texting, you can talk for a little bit and gauge your interest before finally making the move. I think if you ask for their number and to go out in the same breath it's too much too soon. Patience is a virtue.

 

I guess it depends how you view texting. For me, it's purely a way to arrange a date and give them a way of getting hold of me if they are gonna flake/cancel. It's not for further rapport building because you run the risk of running out of things to say or getting too invested.

 

I can illustrate this with a couple of examples:

 

The best result of OLD that I have had was with a girl who I exchanged 3 long messages with, she dropped a hint that she was free at the weekend so I gave her my number and told her we should meet. She texted me we arranged the date and then she went radio silence til the date. I was a bit sad about this as I enjoyed talking to her. But come the date we had lots to talk about, there was a bit of a spark and it went on from there.

 

Then just the last week or so i got talking to another girl, we exchanged a few long messages, I mentioned meeting up and she offered me her number. I text er to arrange a date and she kept up the correspondence. We would chat in real time via text a lot and I got more and more certain that she was going to be right for me. Then we met and she was not how she had represented herself. I was disappointed but still tried to make the best of it as I was invested now. Then she ditched me as she didn't feel any spark between us. So now I'm wondering how I'm going to meet someone who I have that same level of connection with and I feel a bit low as a result. This depressing mood could have been avoided by cutting out the fuss, getting to the date ASAP and finding out the score as it was in real life rather than in my head.

 

So from now on, my approach (unless I learn better) is to get some initial messages via OLD to establish the other person is roughly on my level, then arrange th date via text then leave the rest to chance and see how the date goes. Real life will always be the true test so messaging anymore than necessary is a waste of effort (IMO).

[insert_name]

Well there we go. Tonight my hit em with the phone number and run approach claimed another victim.

 

The lady in question followed up shortly after via text to say it woukd be great to meet next week so I'm now sorting out the finer details.

 

What i take from this, ultimately, is that i think you guys are overthinking things.

 

I have no doubt that me and this girl would have gone back and for for months otherwise. You, as the man, have to take the next step. It really doesnt matter how you do it, so long as you do and you do it before she loses interest. Thats the key, from what i can see. Its about timing rather than sentiment. If shes into you she will be only too pleased to get an invite to meet IRL whatever form it takes.

 

Or maybe its just my wit and charm as always, your mileage may vary (but im confident that its about timing more than anything!).

Edited October 23, 2014 by insert_name

[IronZ]

Hey man do whatever works for you. In my experience though things don't work out too well that way. Could be a regional difference or an age difference, I don't know. Good luck with your date!

[Mister Zen]

I don't think so. After being back on an OLD site for one week, I'm already realizing that it's better to meet soon, rather than spend a bunch of time getting to know someone, only to find there's no connection in person.

 

Now my preference is:

 

1. Handful of messages, enough to establish you have common interests and communication style
   
2. Little bit of texting to reinforce the above
   
3. Phone call to gauge intellectual and conversational connection
   
4. Brief, no-pressure meet-up, which can be extended if you hit it off
   

 

I cancelled my second date yesterday, because the guy was asking me to travel further to meet. Fail!

 

I don't do phone calls before the first meeting.

[quidproquo89]

I don't do phone calls before the first meeting.

 

I don't tend to either. That's what the date is for in my opinion