So many questions - is it over? Should I end it?

[beach]

She's seeing a social worker now - but it's going to be a long hall. I am STILL with her - though we are "seperated" in the same house.

 

It's rough folks. The books are helping. Helping me learn a great deal about me as a caregiver, fixer, helper, etc.

 

Not the best way - one person taking all the burden of caring for two or more people.

 

Why isn't she working? Why are you also carrying all that burden too?

 

She has said she wants out. Well... Give her that. She can learn how difficult her life will be without your "help".

 

Let her fall. She seems ungrateful and spoiled. She needs to struggle in order to have a reality check that her life hasn't been difficult until now.

 

I'm amazed when some men spoil their wives so much - that the wife gets entitled and bitchy. Demanding and ungrateful.

 

Stop bowing down to her and let her fend for herself for a long while - she might wake up and attempt to be decent.

[AffairsRBad]

Not the best way - one person taking all the burden of caring for two or more people.

 

Why isn't she working? Why are you also carrying all that burden too?

 

She has said she wants out. Well... Give her that. She can learn how difficult her life will be without your "help".

 

Let her fall. She seems ungrateful and spoiled. She needs to struggle in order to have a reality check that her life hasn't been difficult until now.

 

I'm amazed when some men spoil their wives so much - that the wife gets entitled and bitchy. Demanding and ungrateful.

 

Stop bowing down to her and let her fend for herself for a long while - she might wake up and attempt to be decent.

 

I sympathize with you Mr. OP. I have no idea about the BPD part of things, but now that your wife has decided she wants out of the marriage, the part of her BPD is moot unless you feel it will endanger the well-being of your kids if they are in her custody. Then, you do have a responsibility for your children to do everything in their best interest. I would be very surprised if you could convince her to see a psychologist or other medical professional that could try to diagnose her with that. It is unfortunate relationships end, especially when children are involved. You seem like a caring father, which probably means you will still have to deal with her for the rest of your life. That said, keep in mind while you feel "responsible" to care for your wife in sickness and health, you are powerless to help anyone who does not wish that assistance or care. She is an adult, and you owe it to yourself to make sure you are happy regardless of the actions or decisions that she takes.

[Jrdinvt]

Well - this weekend I got the spare room all set-up for her to be in. This was basically taking an unfinished bedroom and finishing it - paint, woodwork, furniture, etc.

 

She did pat me on the back. Three pats - and said thanks for the work I did. Mind you, this was all done with the kids home as she shopped Saturday and some of Sunday.

 

I am getting more angry, and I hate that. However, maybe it's time I do. I'll always be "in-check", but it's time I focus on my feelings and desires.

[Downtown]

She did pat me on the back. Three pats - and said thanks for the work I did.

Three pats for two days work??! You work so cheap I want you to PM me, JRD. I have a kitchen renovation for you to do. If it turns out well, I may even through in a hug!

[Jrdinvt]

Three pats for two days work??! You work so cheap I want you to PM me, JRD. I have a kitchen renovation for you to do. If it turns out well, I may even through in a hug!

 

Haha! Yeah! Setting some real good limits and boundaries for myself now. Plus I am really concentrating on telling myself I deserve much better.

[GirlStillStrong]

Whose idea was it that she move into the spare bedroom? Why didn't SHE paint it and furnish it herself? Isn't SHE the one supposed to be living in there?

[Jrdinvt]

Because I am a sucker for doing kick ass work. it was therapy for me to do it - plus if we sell the place there is more value. That's how I look at is.

 

Update: she said she wants to move forward with the divorce...and I said ok. Sounds good. I think that got her thinking. But I don't care. I am done. Meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. What a pain in the ass. I just hope our children fair well - I love them so much. hell - I hope she finds the person who can make her dreams come true.

 

As for me - I'll take some time off to get to know me more. .

[Downtown]

Junior, thanks for taking time to give us another update. Am glad to hear you are still holding firm and enforcing your personal boundaries. And, as you say, getting to know yourself better is a wise path to follow.

[Jrdinvt]

Thanks downtown! Good advice from you has helped me a great deal. The floor that was caving in below me freaked me out. You helped me see that I just needed to reach up for the handhold to safety.

 

Attorney discussion went very well today. A good guy - I hope it works out in the long run! Whoo!

[Jrdinvt]

Well here is a quick update into my happy little situation

 

1) I met with a lawyer this week. He's ready to do a divorce (I know him) and he suggested mediating for us both. We could be done by April.

 

2) I met with my therapist and she is the same who had done couples work for us (before my wife gave up) and she pointed out how my wife was pretty narcissistic. I am learning so much about what I was dealing with. Sadly, I still have feelings for her and that will not go away for a long time I bet.

 

3) I went to dinner with her last night and the whole dinner was setup to speak about divorce plans, living arrangements, kids, etc. right now it's about 50:50 on everything. She was very mature, and I even brought up the lawyer I spoke with.

I gotta say - it was hard looking at her and knowing she was no longer mine. No longer my wife. No longer someone who love and cares deeply for me. That was hard. I had to fight off anger. I had to fight off pain. I tried to remember all the bs I've put up with and that was very helpful.

 

Right now - it is what it is.

 

Jr

[Downtown]

I met with a lawyer this week.... he suggested mediating for us both.

I learned during the divorce that, in my state, reaching a financial settlement during mediation has the great advantage of being a DONE DEAL. Whereas a judge's decision can always be revisited 5 or 10 years later if the W's health gets worse, the out-of-court settlement is final and cannot be revisited. I therefore had a strong incentive to reach agreement in settlement to avoid the risk of being dragged back into court years later by an angry exW who decides she wants to try for more money. My divorce, however, did not involve any dependent children. I therefore don't know whether this advantage of a financial agreement holds when young children are involved.

 

I met with my therapist and ... she pointed out how my wife was pretty narcissistic.

As I noted earlier, a person having strong traits of BPD likely has strong traits of one or two other PDs as well. As to the NPD traits, a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that a third of the BPDers also had full-blown Narcissistic PD. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. That said, I doubt that your STBXW has full-blown NPD because it would mean she is incapable of ever loving you or the kids. Hence, your therapist's comment that your STBXW is "pretty narcissistic" likely was intended to mean she has moderate to strong NPD traits, i.e., is on the upper half of the NPD spectrum.

 

Sadly, I still have feelings for her and that will not go away for a long time I bet. ... I had to fight off anger. I had to fight off pain.

JR, your ability to "fight off" your anger and pain is evidence of your being emotionally healthy. In contrast, a BPDer is so emotionally ill-equipped to deal with those strong mixed feelings that she will avoid experiencing them by "splitting off" her loving feelings for you. Although those feelings are still there in her mind, they have been put out of reach of her conscious mind. If she is a BPDer, her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality.

[Jrdinvt]

Thanks again Downtown.

 

In therapy we spoke about two different things that may happen.

 

1) what do I do if she says I screwed up? Let's get back together.

 

2) what do I do if we end it and I see her with another man.

 

 

Answer to #1)

Suggest she seeks help first for her issues. I'll talk after that happens, and she's in a better place with herself.

 

Answer to #2)

I am sure that would be hard. But, it ma not be as hard as staying with her. Way easier than staying with her in this state of being.

 

 

In my first post I mentioned that not too long ago she went to a club and hooked up with a woman? I guess it was to third base to keep this discussion short. Well that happened on on her many trips (solo). She was really upset with herself after, and even came to me crying hoping I'd not leave her.

Well she wants to go on another trip, and I told her that was the first thing that popped into my mind. She laughed it off in a "give me a break" way, until I asked her how'd she feel if I did that. She said it would bother her - duh.

[Downtown]

Well she wants to go on another trip, and I told her that was the first thing that popped into my mind. She laughed it off in a "give me a break" way, until I asked her how'd she feel if I did that. She said it would bother her - duh.

Junior, does it even matter what she does on the trip? On 11/19 you said that you both had agreed to proceed with the divorce. If I understand you correctly, you both are still firmly on course for the D.

[Jrdinvt]

Correct - but can your turn off all your feelings? I don't think so. I sure can't.

 

The quick answer is, No. It does. It matter. It's not easy either.

[Downtown]

Junior, you are right, of course, that you cannot turn your feelings off like a light switch. Hence, knowing she is having sex with someone else doubtless will continue to hurt until you have far more time to heal. Sorry, I did not mean to imply otherwise.

[Jrdinvt]

No worries. Mad at myself for these moments of weakness. I'm sure I'll be having them from time to time. Hard to close a relationship down as one would a business relationship.

[Jrdinvt]

AHappy Thanksgiving!

 

Sent a message to a lawyer who will do mediation for her and I to divorce. Should be OK if we keep the kids as a major priority and don't get angry/selfish.

 

Another step forward. Now I just can't wait to put this all behind me. I am so done living this crappy part of the relationship. I am a good guy - I'll prove it with this damn divorce. However, I can't wait to just be me. No more tip toeing around issues, and me just saying that it's her being her.

 

Boom. Bring it on!

Edited November 26, 2014 by Jrdinvt

[Downtown]

I am a good guy - I'll prove it with this damn divorce.

Junior, please keep in mind that, if she is a BPDer, it is impossible for you to build up a store of appreciation on which to later draw during the bad days. A BPDer typically has a strong feeling of entitlement to whatever sacrifices you make. Moreover, even if she does momentarily feel appreciation toward you, that feeling will be washed aside by the very next tide of emotions flooding her mind. Hence, any generosity you show during the settlement process likely will have no long-term effect on her view of you.

[Jrdinvt]

I agree. I just mean I'll be taking the high road. She may not see it - but everyone else will. I can live with that!

[Jrdinvt]

Today it seemed like the steel shell began to rust. I've been having a great time and playing with the kids - cracking up and just enjoying the holiday. Thanks giving with her and my family went well - then today (after she was gone all day shopping for Christmas gifts yesterday) had to go get some last minute things and "clear her head".

 

Now - there is no way I am sure that meant her and I - but I imagine it was. My first reaction to myself was, "God I hope she's not thinking of staying together".

 

 

Feeling good guys/gals! Feeling strong! I know that crack in the light is nothing to run at.

 

Bring on the single life! :-)

[Downtown]

Junior, glad to hear you're feeling better about the separation. Sounds like you've got a plan and are holding strong, enforcing your personal boundaries. Must feel good to be getting off the roller coaster ride.

[Jrdinvt]

It feels great! I know I am mountain-top right now, and I am sure I'll run into a valley or two on the way - but it feels great to step forward.

[Jrdinvt]

Crrrrrrazy train pulled into the station again!

 

Today we had a sick child (cold) and my wife had one too. So I blew off some meetings to help get our other child to school and back. No biggie. Love to do it.

 

However, after a super crappy day I come home to drop our child, and needed to go back (3:30) to finish out the day. Like a fart in church. I went anyway. I had to tie things up. I got verbally assaulted - but I just said "bye!" I HAD to go!

 

Then when I come home she's staying mostly in her bed (with the cold) and texts me (downstairs with the kids) she feels sick and all alone. Um...I took the high road on that - but what the hell!?

 

Then she comes down to get some water and tells me shes worried she may not feel good enough to go anywhere this weekend. I do the whole - whats this weekend look thing - and she reminds me she's going away for ladies joint birthday party.

 

She read my "remembering look" as "disapproval look" and freaked. She walked away and shut the door as I was asking what they planned to do.

 

I got this crazy text - f this and f you - not more mediation plan - I am getting my own attorny - and we will do this the HARD WAY. My sister made this plan and now she's going to tell you off. we all know the truth - it's all about you and your f'ing job/school. Etc etc etc.

 

I just said I will talk more later when cooler heads are in the room. Got some "no thanks" type of thing to that. I was SO professional. I am so proud. Boundaries are working!!!!!

 

Two minutes later she's texting being nice asking me to check on our sick child and wondering when the last time I gave him Advil and if I can get up with him if need. Well - sure I will. I'll do anything for them.

 

Wow!!! Really? Whiplash!!

[Downtown]

Junior, sounds like you are still doing a find job with enforcing your boundaries. As to the "crazy train," expect that to get worse until the D is finalized. Again, I suggest you take a look at Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. An article that may be helpful is Leaving A Partner with BPD. At that same website, article #9 (which I suggested earlier) is good too for breakup tips.

[Jrdinvt]

Well ladies and gents - Monday we met together with an attorney. This attorney would act as a mediator for our divorce. Seems like a great guy.

 

So far it looks like we will use him. My wife needs to make up her mind. He's very a matter of fact - and I love that.

 

He gave us the run down of law in my state and filled us in on how the state works.

 

First we will begin with kids - we want 50/50. So that should be straight forward. Then comes money (state makes that simple around calculations). Looks like I will be going down the spousal maintenance pathway because I make 3 times more than her - though he's thinking that should only last 5 or so years. However, he said all is negotiable.

 

Whoo! Can't wait to put all this behind me. He said he could have us done in 3 months (we've been seperated for 6 months.

 

Crazy crazy