KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Waste of what? I am married and don't have a family. I was 27 when I got married. I have since found there are plenty of points to be married... with or without children. But I am not sure what I have wasted? But I am not as single focused as yourself. Like I said it's just a waste IMO. Just a waste if I didn't want a family I wouldn't get married. The two just go hand in hand. Link to post Share on other sites
ufo8mycat Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Like I said it's just a waste IMO. Just a waste if I didn't want a family I wouldn't get married. The two just go hand in hand. But a waste of what exactly? Waste is a verb. Waste of opportunity? Of skill? of desire? It's a pretty flippant comment. Sometimes - actually, often life doesn't go the way you plan and you need the adaptability to be happy with where you are. That may mean not having children, or it may mean not planning on having kids and ending up with say, step kids. To say it is a waste implies that marriage and partnership have no value beyond producing offspring. Which is simply untrue. For whatever reason if children don't happen - does that mean your life has no value? Often you just have to create that value. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 But a waste of what exactly? Waste is a verb. Waste of opportunity? Of skill? of desire? It's a pretty flippant comment. Sometimes - actually, often life doesn't go the way you plan and you need the adaptability to be happy with where you are. That may mean not having children, or it may mean not planning on having kids and ending up with say, step kids. To say it is a waste implies that marriage and partnership have no value beyond producing offspring. Which is simply untrue. For whatever reason if children don't happen - does that mean your life has no value? Often you just have to create that value. I personally would rather die than find out I can't have kids. My life would be pointless if I didn't get married or have kids. I honestly don't believe it would have value Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Like I said it's just a waste IMO. Just a waste if I didn't want a family I wouldn't get married. The two just go hand in hand. This is really crazy thinking. What about the couples that get married and can't have children. Is their marriage a waste too? Children should be discussed prior to marriage, if you want them, great, if you don't, great. Not every woman (or man) thinks like you do. A lot of couples marry, buy a house, travel, establish their careers, then have the children later, when they are more financially secure and the relationship is solid. Having kids is expensive too, and hard. Is certainly not for everyone, nor should it be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 This is really crazy thinking. What about the couples that get married and can't have children. Is their marriage a waste too? Children should be discussed prior to marriage, if you want them, great, if you don't, great. Not every woman (or man) thinks like you do. A lot of couples marry, buy a house, travel, establish their careers, then have the children later, when they are more financially secure and the relationship is solid. Having kids is expensive too, and hard. Is certainly not for everyone, nor should it be. Which is why I said "IMO" Link to post Share on other sites
ufo8mycat Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I personally would rather die than find out I can't have kids. My life would be pointless if I didn't get married or have kids. I honestly don't believe it would have value Do you realise that this isn't a healthy thought process? It is also an opinion that potential partners would find somewhere between confronting and downright frightening. But mostly, it isn't a healthy perspective or one that serves you well for good mental health. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Do you realise that this isn't a healthy thought process? It is also an opinion that potential partners would find somewhere between confronting and downright frightening. But mostly, it isn't a healthy perspective or one that serves you well for good mental health. I know, I'm in therapy but I don't think it is wrong to want a family. My life will not be ok if I don't have a family. It will be awful. Like it is now. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I'm 23 years old. Since I was like 14 or so, I remember talking and laughing with other girls about how many kids we would have, what names we would call them, the outfits we'd put on in the future, etc, and I always said I wanted 2.5 kids and that I wanted a small family. Then around high school and early college days, I moved it down to just 2 and I really thought I'd stick with it. A couple of years later, though... it moved down to 1, and now I wonder if I even want kids at all. Every time other women talk about the stress and pain of pregnancy, the gory details of it and giving birth, dealing with screaming babies at the wee hours of the morning, dealing with bad tempered toddlers and teenagers, I just want to throw up and tell them to stop talking. It's almost like life keeps pointing the arrow to the "DO NOT HAVE KIDS YOU WILL REGRET IT!" sign but I wonder if maybe it's my young age and lack of life experiences. I just don't understand how I went from being so open to the idea of having children and being a mother, and now I start shaking in my boot when I hear my little sister inviting her school age friends over, or dealing with moody teenagers walking around the mall, or babies fidgeting and crying while I'm shopping. Could it just mean that I'm not meant to be a mother after all? Sorry OP as I contributed to the thread jack. When you're a teenager most girls fantasize about their weddings, husbands and the children. What teenagers don't get is all the WORK, sleepless nights, the illnesses, the teen years, etc., because all they are thinking about is dressing the baby up, making cute facebook posts and having "someone to love them". Of course that's all a big trap, just watch a season of the MTV show, Teen Mom. You sound very mature to me, because you're not living in some fantasy world, rather being an adult and realizing that being a wife and/or a mother is hard work. And really, you're 23, there is no rush. You may find as you get older, marry a man you love, that having kids is something (or not) that you want to do. And you'll be ready, because you're clued in to the good and the terribly difficult that comes with parenthood. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blade96 Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 (edited) I have a problem with married women who don't want kids who are in the pwrfect age to have kids." Um, excuse you, Judgey McJudgerson. The only problems I have are with people who have kids KNOWING they aren't in the best position to have them. I don't have a problem with couples - married or not, who weighed their pros and cons and decided they just don't want kids. (They know if they aren;t really interested in it or invested in it, that will not be a good environment for a child) Nor do I have a problem with parents who have weighed their pros and cons and actually can take care of a child. They know they can raise a child in a decent environment. If you want to look for problems, you're looking in the wrong places. Vent your problems towards humans who spend more time deciding what car to buy than they do about bringing a whole new living breathing being into the world, not towards the married couple who most likely thought about this carefully and made their decision. Edited October 19, 2014 by Blade96 Link to post Share on other sites
KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I have a problem with married women who don't want kids who are in the pwrfect age to have kids." Um, excuse you, Judgey McJudgerson. The only problems I have are with people who have kids KNOWING they aren't in the best position to have them. I don't have a problem with couples - married or not, who weighed their pros and cons and decided they just don't want kids. (They know if they aren;t really interested in it or invested in it, that will not be a good environment for a child) Nor do I have a problem with parents who have weighed their pros and cons and actually can take care of a child. They know they can raise a child in a decent environment. If you want to look for problems, you're looking in the wrong places. Vent your problems towards humans who spend more time deciding what car to buy than they do about bringing a whole new living breathing being into the world, not towards the married couple who most likely thought about this carefully and made their decision. It's just such a waste of your body and eggs and stuff to me. Like ew if you don't want kids donate your eggs to help someone else, don't just be selfish and kidless. It seems like an awful life Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I know, I'm in therapy but I don't think it is wrong to want a family. My life will not be ok if I don't have a family. It will be awful. Like it is now. Sorry for your issues..hopefully they get resolved... Look....Ive led a pretty fulfilled life, full of plenty of ups and downs..Nothing compares to my kid..I mean NOTHING...and her mom is equally as dedicated..Best thing that ever happened to me ...not even close..That being said. its such a tremendous responsibility and unfortunately not enough people truly consider everything when they decide to bring a child into this world..From the moment she was born I realized that my life was no longer my own...She will need me for at least 20+ years..Thats a long time...Evrything I do has some ramifications to consider for her..Lots of time, lots of money...Lots of attention.etc.. You shouldnt approach it the way you are...It seems too idealistic and immature...Look at it very pragmatically...I dont care what anyone says...Kids arent as resilient as people like to think they are..Divorced people with little kids throw this around because it makes them feel less guilty..Nothing is guaranteed, but to think you can just bring a kid into the world and hope everything else falls into place is just doing it ass backwards... I hope you get what you want....just do it sensibly-NOT emotionally..... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 OP, all I'll add from the other end of life is, until you're REALLY SURE you want kids, make sure you stay on BC and have your lovers wrap it up. It's fine to not want kids and it's fine to want kids; when in doubt, or not being absolutely sure that kids are an exigent want, take all reasonable steps to prevent another life from reaping the effects of what you've sown in the pleasures of sex. As you age, as you've noted, your perspective changes. It will likely continue to throughout life. Having children is the hardest and most rewarding career you'll never get paid for. You, and I, and everyone here, have reaped the benefits of what our parents have sown; their choices. Each circumstance and result is different, and so will yours. It'll be unique to you. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Because it is just a waste. I mean what's the point of getting married if you don't want a family. Because you found the person you love and want to share a life with them? Whats the point of having kids if you don't want them? Link to post Share on other sites
KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Because you found the person you love and want to share a life with them? Whats the point of having kids if you don't want them? Ok whatever I don't even care. I think people who don't want kids are mean people Link to post Share on other sites
ufo8mycat Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Ok whatever I don't even care. I think people who don't want kids are mean people Why are you so emotional about what other people do? Envy is another really pointless emotion. That is a really nasty thing to say about one aspect of other people. There is no fertility pie. If I don't have my slice it doesn't mean you get to have it. If I want to waste my eggs, fabulous genes and epic kindness by not having kids then that is my choice. It doesn't affect you at all. I really hope these are the issues you are discussing with your therapist. What have they said about this? sorry for the thread jack OP - maybe we can split this discussion off if more appropriate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Why are you so emotional about what other people do? Envy is another really pointless emotion. That is a really nasty thing to say about one aspect of other people. There is no fertility pie. If I don't have my slice it doesn't mean you get to have it. If I want to waste my eggs, fabulous genes and epic kindness by not having kids then that is my choice. It doesn't affect you at all. I really hope these are the issues you are discussing with your therapist. What have they said about this? sorry for the thread jack OP - maybe we can split this discussion off if more appropriate. It's just wrong. Like there are people out here who can't have kids and you Have the ability to but won't. It's wrong. Don't patronize me like "oh maybe you should talk to your therapist". That's the least of my issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author intricate Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 (edited) It's just such a waste of your body and eggs and stuff to me. Like ew if you don't want kids donate your eggs to help someone else, don't just be selfish and kidless. It seems like an awful life Okay, I think I need to explain myself because you seem confused with my situation. At this time, at my age, I am uncertain whether I truly want to be a mother since I am just about to finish college (Don't ask, I started late!) and I am about several months into marrying the man of my dreams, and while I do have a new job, it is CERTAINLY not enough to raise a child in a healthy, suitable environment. I'm sorry, but seeing children raised by a mother who has to work 3 different jobs just to make the bare minimum requirement is just sad and I don't want that for my child. I want to have the financial means, the emotional maturity, and the mental strength needed to take care of a baby, because it's not easy. In terms of fertility, I'm sorry, but have you seen mothers these days? I've met mothers as young as 16 and pregnant, to as old as 40 and pregnant for the first time. The babies from both came out perfectly healthy and they are both quite happy. My mother had me at 25, my brother at 27, my other brother at 31, and my youngest sister at (gasp!) 37 years old! She ignored the whole "Being pregnant after 35 is risky!" bullocks and had a healthy girl in the end. Women got pregnant earlier in history because men had the means to take care of his entire family without much education to get ahead in life. In the 50's, all you had to do was finish high school and you can get a respectable job as a man without a degree. The only way a woman can do to survive was to marry and have his children, and that's it. Things have changed, and I'm kind of glad I have more choices in life than back in the day. I want a degree, I want to buy a first home, I want to travel a bit with my husband, I want to enjoy our marriage for a few more years before having a child together. I do have hesitations now because I don't want to screw up my kid's life. All I know is, when I'm in my late 20's/early 30's, I will be more ready and mature and able to take care of someone else besides myself. It's not selfish, in fact, I'll be daring enough to say that I am being extremely selfless, because I don't want a baby just because they're adorable (They are!) or I want to take them out shopping- I want a child because they enrich my life, because they'll teach me hardships and how to cope, and because I'm ready to take on the challenges. I'm not ready yet. I'm only 23. Sorry! PS - I am sure that in several years, I'll want children. I have no problems with babies and children in general, and my fiance and I both agree we'll have one or two. We just want to wait. What's wrong with waiting? Edited October 20, 2014 by intricate 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 You're doing great OP! I certainly didn't have your insight and maturity at 23. Your mom must be very proud of you! Good luck and congrats on your upcoming marriage! P.S. I had my first baby at 25 and my last at 42. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 If you want to be old when you have kids then whatever. We are in different places I have my degree if I got pregnant Im sure I could support myself. I personally am not grateful for the ability to go to school I really would much rather be in the 50s when I could easily just be a housewife and mother and not be forced into school Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 If you want to be old when you have kids then whatever. We are in different places I have my degree if I got pregnant Im sure I could support myself. I personally am not grateful for the ability to go to school I really would much rather be in the 50s when I could easily just be a housewife and mother and not be forced into school I agree with the others. You need more value in your life than just kids and your husband. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author intricate Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 If you want to be old when you have kids then whatever. We are in different places I have my degree if I got pregnant Im sure I could support myself. I personally am not grateful for the ability to go to school I really would much rather be in the 50s when I could easily just be a housewife and mother and not be forced into school Being in your 30's and 40's is not old, I'm sorry to inform you. I have no idea how being a mother in her late 20's/early 30's is considered "old". You know what's the cool thing about gender equality and women's rights? That you can DECIDE to stay home with children if you desire to do so! You already have that freedom! All you had to do is to find a man who supports you in making those life choices too! My fiance, he supports me wanting to wait a bit while I make something of myself before bringing a tot on the ride. We have different values, yours isn't any better than mines and vice versa. I hope you find it in your heart to accept that people are going to have different lifestyles, morals, and values than you do. Good day to you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 If you want to be old when you have kids then whatever. We are in different places I have my degree if I got pregnant Im sure I could support myself. I personally am not grateful for the ability to go to school I really would much rather be in the 50s when I could easily just be a housewife and mother and not be forced into school Wow! Thanks for the insult. My daughter is certainly thankful for this "old" mother. Perhaps you should start your own thread about your needy, desperation to become pregnant, and stop jacking this one. The OP is nowhere close to your desire to procreate right this minute. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Wow! Thanks for the insult. My daughter is certainly thankful for this "old" mother. Perhaps you should start your own thread about your needy, desperation to become pregnant, and stop jacking this one. The OP is nowhere close to your desire to procreate right this minute. Sorry you're offended but I'm sure realistically you didn't think 42 was a young mom I mean let's be honest. There are risks after 35 so at 42 it's like risk city. Anyways I gave my opinion. I don't agree about women rights or equality, it's crap as far as I'm concerned but hey that's me. Don't act like you're better because you're in school with a fiance.. So are a lot of people so what Link to post Share on other sites
ufo8mycat Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Don't act like you're better because you're in school with a fiance.. So are a lot of people so what Where did you get this from? The OP asked a question and everyone answered. There are lots of people in school with a fiance! Although not at my school. I am 35 and just starting on the rounds of first babies. But just like the OP I wish them all the best during a super exciting time. New jobs, new houses, new family - just the two of you. It kinda doesn't come around like this again so enjoy this time OP, there is no disadvantage to waiting a few more years... or even another decade. You will make the best decisions for your family and when the time is right. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Didn't I just say that being in school with a fiance isn't that special? It really isn't Link to post Share on other sites
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