Keenly Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Your timeline is completely unrealistic for men in your age bracket. One year to establish a connection? Engaged by 1.5? that's just not going to happen. 23 year old men do not go out looking for instamarriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 I was 39 when I met DH. The event format had everyone in a circle. You had to introduce yourself, say what your company was & what you did. Remember everyone in that room was trying to drum up new business. He & I were checking each other out through the whole thing but both of us were trying not to get caught. We gravitated toward one another when the formal introductions broke up. Other times, I would simply lap a room once or twice and smile at a few people. If somebody looked interesting I'd simply say hi. Most men will take it from there. The ones who didn't I just moved on. Oh. I mean I guess if I go to some event like that I could do that. Don't know when I will be going to an event like that though. I did try a meet up group. I went to two, one was a game group when i lived back home and it was fun (no one was attractive so it was a waste) and then I went to a theology and beer one a month ago and it was ok, the pastor was hot.. and married. Then his wife showed up and I was over it. All the other decently attractive people were coupled up and could barely hear what was being discussed. I might go back because I like beer/wine. I also like God. I feel like there are some cool meet up groups but I feel like people who have to do meet up groups are probably weird, or have something wrong with them or something. Which is awful I know but I just feel like it is weird you know? Unless you have an interest in yoga or beer tastings but you could just do that with friends you know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 You don't have to approach. I am not a big supporter of women doing that, but "chance encounter" is all you'll have as a person that doesn't take matters into their own hand. However, you can at least help it along by being approachable. When I was in college, most of the women I went out with were not women I met in class. Just on campus. Where do you study? Have lunch? Sit to relax between class? Work out? I rarely workout, I thought about taking a yoga class (mostly women so I am not going to). I think I am approachable, I try to smile and be friendly. Maybe I can try harder. I have no idea what I am going to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 Your timeline is completely unrealistic for men in your age bracket. One year to establish a connection? Engaged by 1.5? that's just not going to happen. 23 year old men do not go out looking for instamarriage. I try to date older. I am hopefully going out with a guy who is 37 soon... idk he keeps canceling. I try to either date older or date guys who are my age but have kids. They usually like kids and want more soon. Or just who specifically say they want marriage and babies soon. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Oh. I feel like there are some cool meet up groups but I feel like people who have to do meet up groups are probably weird, or have something wrong with them or something. Which is awful I know but I just feel like it is weird you know? Unless you have an interest in yoga or beer tastings but you could just do that with friends you know? Your attitude is your own worst problem. You have defeated yourself before you even started. I enjoyed my game meetup groups in part because my dear friends either lived far away, had kids so they couldn't just play games or didn't like the games I liked. the fact that the only "pressure" was competition over the game rather than the gender wars made the group I went to very fun & laid back. MeetUp groups are about making friends. They are not some second choice for losers who have no other options. In fact that amount of self confidence & personality it takes to create & maintain a successful group indicates that the organizers are probably very social & and outgoing. Where are all of your friends in this? Don't they have people they can introduce you to? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 This campus is different than my old campus. Like undergrad I could just drive to the union if I wanted and have lunch and it was close and easy parking not a lot of walking. This campus is different. No parking (very limited) so I have to call a shuttle to come pick me up and take me. It just isn't worth it IMO. Especially when I am on campus 2 days a week. I know I sound like I am being soooo difficult. I'm sorry. It is an excuse. I went to the 3rd largest university in the world. Parking on campus was non-existent. Just walk to the student union. You never know who you might meet on that walk. Besides exercise is good for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 (edited) Your attitude is your own worst problem. You have defeated yourself before you even started. I enjoyed my game meetup groups in part because my dear friends either lived far away, had kids so they couldn't just play games or didn't like the games I liked. the fact that the only "pressure" was competition over the game rather than the gender wars made the group I went to very fun & laid back. MeetUp groups are about making friends. They are not some second choice for losers who have no other options. In fact that amount of self confidence & personality it takes to create & maintain a successful group indicates that the organizers are probably very social & and outgoing. Where are all of your friends in this? Don't they have people they can introduce you to? My best friend just had a baby and I moved like 45 mins from her. We talk but not as much, she is busy I'm busy. I also am just having a really hard time with the fact that she has a baby. My other best friend is seeing a guy.. he's like her FWB but he wants to date but she doesn't idk it's a weird situation IMO and we hang out a lot but she is OLD too. Haha we all suck at dating, the difference is that it is important and necessary to me to find someone to date, marry and have babies with in the next 2-3 years whereas my one friend just had a baby and the dad left so she is pretty focused on baby, the other wants to go to Law School and doesn't really care as much about boyfriends or babies or husbands. She says it'll happen when it happens and if it doesn't "oh well". The chance of it not happening is the worst thing ever IMO so I can't just let it go. As far as the meet up groups, I can only speak to the two I went to and in the game group the people just seemed like they might have issues. Some seemed normal, one guy was talking about his wife and how he was just happy to be out of the house for a little but others just seemed like.. basement dwellers possibly. Edited October 8, 2014 by KeepCalmCarryOn Link to post Share on other sites
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Men can probably sense your desperation and low self esteem. Don't be in such a rush. Calm down. It will happen. Maybe not as quickly as you hope. But it will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 Also about the meet ups the games were also hard, not just your regular monopoly and shoots and ladders lol. I just didn't want to go again. I found one at a brewery for early Christmas Ale and I might go! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 It is an excuse. I went to the 3rd largest university in the world. Parking on campus was non-existent. Just walk to the student union. You never know who you might meet on that walk. Besides exercise is good for you. That is where the issue is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 Men can probably sense your desperation and low self esteem. Don't be in such a rush. Calm down. It will happen. Maybe not as quickly as you hope. But it will. But how long? I want to be a decently young mom and I am practically 25. I don't want to end up 35 and single and with no kids while my eggs dry up. I'm getting anxious thinking about it. I just wish I could meet someone tomorrow who is desperate (but attractive and smart and nice) and wants marriage and babies. I know tons of people my age getting married or at least in LTR Link to post Share on other sites
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 But how long? I want to be a decently young mom and I am practically 25. I don't want to end up 35 and single and with no kids while my eggs dry up. I'm getting anxious thinking about it. I just wish I could meet someone tomorrow who is desperate (but attractive and smart and nice) and wants marriage and babies. I know tons of people my age getting married or at least in LTR Would you rather end up 35 with 3 kids and single? To that second part, you are asking for the moon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 But how long? I want to be a decently young mom and I am practically 25. I don't want to end up 35 and single and with no kids while my eggs dry up. I'm getting anxious thinking about it. I just wish I could meet someone tomorrow who is desperate (but attractive and smart and nice) and wants marriage and babies. I know tons of people my age getting married or at least in LTR This reeks of desperation & will make most men run for the hills. Really you have to calm down. As long as you are trying to conceive before 35 you will be fine. If you are so all fired hot on having a baby, go to a sperm bank & have one. At your age, IUF costs about $5000 per try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 Would you rather end up 35 with 3 kids and single? To that second part, you are asking for the moon. No. That would be bad too I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 This reeks of desperation & will make most men run for the hills. Really you have to calm down. As long as you are trying to conceive before 35 you will be fine. If you are so all fired hot on having a baby, go to a sperm bank & have one. At your age, IUF costs about $5000 per try. $5,000 thats so expensive! lol I don't necessarily need a baby today I want the whole thing. The marriage and baby and family. Do you have children? Sorry not trying to be in your business. You said you got married at 39 or met at 39, weren't you worried about finding someone and fertility? Link to post Share on other sites
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Please PLEASE believe me when I tell you DO NOT BRING A CHILD INTO A BAD SITUATION BECAUSE IT MAKES IT WORST WHEN YOU NEED TO GET OUT. don't settle for right now...wait for perfection (your version of perfection, obviously no one is perfect) Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 You don't need a kid right now. Your desperation will make men run. Good luck convincing any halfway intelligent man to be okay with the person with a masters degree forfeiting their income. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 You don't need a kid right now. Your desperation will make men run. Good luck convincing any halfway intelligent man to be okay with the person with a masters degree forfeiting their income. I feel like a man would be happy that his woman wants to stay home and take care of babies Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 (edited) Do you have children? Sorry not trying to be in your business. You said you got married at 39 or met at 39, weren't you worried about finding someone and fertility? No I don't have kids. I was never worried about finding someone. I was a long term serial monogamist before marriage. I always thought if I was meant to have kids it would happen. It didn't. If getting married & having kids is a priority for you, that's fine. Being desperate & scared about it at your age is a sure fire way to assure it never happens. Think of it somewhat like a job search. You have to make an effort, more than just looking on line. You have to open. You have to talk to people & get to know someone to assure that you are compatible. You can't assume everyone you meet is a weird loser who isn't up to your standards. What else are you doing besides thinking about looking on line & trying to date older men who already have kids? That is not a great plan btw. They may not want more kids later in life. In this day & age most men look at SAHM as succubi -- leaches who expect them to earn money while they sit home on their butts doing nothing. Many men resent women who aren't contributing financially. Especially if your masters' degree comes with student loans you probably won't find a guy who doesn't resent having to pay for a degree you are not currently using to make money. Edited October 8, 2014 by d0nnivain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 I feel like a man would be happy that his woman wants to stay home and take care of babies Maybe they would but you gotta let them do it...not force them to do it in your time frame. You may not think you look or seem desperate but strong as it is to us...it as probably even worse in person (even if you try to hide it) Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 It is an excuse. I went to the 3rd largest university in the world. Parking on campus was non-existent. Just walk to the student union. You never know who you might meet on that walk. Besides exercise is good for you. I kinda get where OP is coming from. When you've kinda learned what the campus environment is like, and you know what your past experiences are, it seems pointless to try to go against that grain. I walked to and from campus everyday for 4 years and never met a single person during that time. It just wasn't the way things work. So I know what OP means when she says why bother walking to different buildings, cause she doesn't think she'll get hit on anyway. OP, I never got approached in public IRL, so I realized OLD was the only option for me. No idea whether eharmony is worth it or not, I used POF and it worked. Link to post Share on other sites
michellew Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 I've tried all of them and had the most luck/more dates using Tinder and Match. I met maybe two people in six months on eharmomy and had NOTHING in common with either one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 Try the religious dating websites. Those people -- Christians, Muslims, Mormons -- are into marriage and babies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hellon Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 I am getting a Masters so while I want nothing more than to be a stay at home wife and mother I know that if I can't and I end up in a failed marriage I can support myself. Idk I just don't want to wait for forever. I keep saying it but I am 23 I don't have time to build this connection. I need to meet someone ASAP, date for a year or MAYBE a year and a half, get engaged to them, get married to them that already puts me at 26/27 assuming I meet someone in the next 2 months before I turn 24, that would be lucky and I have a sad feeling that won't happen if I was 18 and had all the time in the world to find someone it would be different but I'm not THAT young anymore. No offense, but I'm super confused by your timeline. Do people where you live get married and have babies really young? Because the reality is, you have about 10-15 years still to have kids. Maybe more. If you're that worried about it, look into having your eggs frozen. Your desperation and single-mindedness is going to scare guys off. You will also make a better parent the more life experience and stability you have. Sorry to not really answer your original question, but you need to chill. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 (edited) Try the religious dating websites. Those people -- Christians, Muslims, Mormons -- are into marriage and babies. I agree. My ex came from a conservative religious background and at 31 was 100% ready and eager to create a family. Within a handful of dates, he had established clearly that we were on the same page about marriage and kids. He was also very good-looking, responsible, and made good money. He said no woman in his family ever had to work if she didn't want to, and no woman of his would have to, either. I also think you're very smart to be thinking about your fertility and desire for a family now. I wish I had been more focused and goal-oriented about things at a younger age. Now I'm late 30s and it's possible I won't end up having kids because I wasn't focused enough. I saw an article recently about how women in their 20s now are being more proactive about the matter and choosing to have children younger. I think it's smart if you know you want to have kids. Edited October 10, 2014 by Ruby Slippers 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts