Well, I'm back.

[xUnknown]

You know, I'm confused here.

 

He asked her to simply clarify that they were going to work on it together. She refused.

I wouldn't say she refused, she just said she is confused about her life and everything. (again, I thought the same thing as you did Melon - I took that as rejection)

She has made it clear she wants to be broken up but wants you waiting if she wants you back.

She said she didn't want to be broken up. Stressed that several times.

 

No ultimatums, leave friendly, but make it clear you both need space and your follow up conversation should only be an attempt to rekindle things should it be possible in the future. Show her respect and expect it from her.

 

I already issued the ultimatum.

Good luck.

 

 

I spoke with my therapist this morning. He asked me what do I need (we talk about wants and needs a lot). I told him, what I DO NOT need, is regret, which I have. I told him I feel like I jumped the gun. I was subconsciously "testing" her when I called her Friday and told her if she wanted to break up that she could do it herself. Her anger and shock was the reassurance I needed. The Ultimatum was another test I gave her. To see if she was going to fight for me. She didn't give me the one I wanted.

 

He too thinks I should reach out, try and calm the storm that was Saturday, and see how receptive she is to my apology to overreacting and wanting to talk again. We discussed how a lot was going on with the loss of my brother and some of the reactions and feelings of loosing him, was displayed on how I reacted. He said all I can do is take her word for what it is - and it sounded like, as she said, she is confused and knows the problem is with her and wants to be with me and doesn't want to loose me.

 

I plan on calling her tonight after work, seeing if she wants to meet up Tomorrow. At least I know that I wouldn't regret NOT reaching out. So I'd be right where I am now if she denies. (my therapist also mentioned making himself available to see if both of us want to go in. He said throw the idea out at her, but keep an open mind that I cannot get disappointed if she rejects)

[DrReplyInRhymes]

You seem like a nice fellow, but I can't understand,

Why fight for a relationship where she doesn't know if she's happy you're her man!

I know you have feelings, that's evident enough,

But don't you think you're deserving someone who is sure of her stuff?

 

I don't think you should give up just yet,

But I don't want to see you put your eggs in one basket and then lose the bet!

Maybe if you backed off just a little bit,

She would miss you immensely, and try harder instead of quit!

 

I do understand she has stated you make her happy,

But at the same time, her actions seem like she doesn't like you being sappy.

It seems that maybe she's trying to drop a hint?

Like "What's our future, are you going to marry me or split?"

Edited October 8, 2014 by DrReplyInRhymes

[ThorntonMelon]

Good luck x - for the life of me I can't tell where you over-reacted in the least, but I wasn't there, so I'm sure there's something I am missing.

 

I wish you well.

[xUnknown]

I feel like all my guy friends think I did nothing wrong. Yet, all my women friends (and therapist-male) think I overreacted and should have just listened to what she was saying.

Edited October 8, 2014 by xUnknown

[Itspointless]

Hey man, I am sorry you have to face so many things at this time. She seems confused. It is easy to make yourself confused when you see people showing of there supposed to be great life's.

 

On the other hand with everything happening in your life it would not surprise me if you are a bit confused too. Perhaps you should refrain for now from testing her. She may be confused, but that does not say that she wants a life without you. It is a shame though that she has not the mental space to be there for you emotionally at this moment. Perhaps that is a deal-breaker for you?

[xUnknown]

Hey man, I am sorry you have to face so many things at this time. She seems confused. It is easy to make yourself confused when you see people showing of there supposed to be great life's.

 

On the other hand with everything happening in your life it would not surprise me if you are a bit confused too. Perhaps you should refrain for now from testing her. She may be confused, but that does not say that she wants a life without you. It is a shame though that she has not the mental space to be there for you emotionally at this moment. Perhaps that is a deal-breaker for you?

 

I was not testing her, at least consciously. My therapist mentioned that I was just looking for reassurance, for her to show me how much she cared - this was the tests I was doing, unknowingly.

 

My therapist and I discussed the same thing - about me being confused with all my things going on in my life. He too thought it was surprising that she would question things when I'm having some sort of PTSD from my brother's death. However, she has a lot going on too in her life.

 

*** I called her today after work. I mentioned that I let my emotions, anxiety and insecurities get the best of me and reacted. She mentioned "now do you understand why I asked for a few days to calm down?", also, that her plans had changed and was not going to be home tomorrow. However, she was the one that suggested that she may be around Sunday for us to talk. I told her to keep me posted. ***

 

- I'm not sure what is going to happen from here on out. I figured I'd lay low and let her come to me. I think if we were to get back together "officially" it would seem somewhat "forced" - in a sense that after a blowout like that, its hard to pretend that nothing happened.

 

- I think perhaps the best option is staying "separated" and just seeing what happens. I'm not sure, I'm going to try to talk to my therapist again Friday sometime to talk some more.

[Itspointless]

Well the only thing I can say is listen to your gut as your head may be clouding things. You are the only one to know if this is the way she always acts if she is stressed: by distancing. If that it is the case I don't know if it is smart to wait. Your therapist seems to be a smart guy/gal, so yes I think it is wise to further work on it with him/her. Good luck man.

[xUnknown]

Well the only thing I can say is listen to your gut as your head may be clouding things. You are the only one to know if this is the way she always acts if she is stressed: by distancing. If that it is the case I don't know if it is smart to wait. Your therapist seems to be a smart guy/gal, so yes I think it is wise to further work on it with him/her. Good luck man.

 

Thanks pointless. I have a meeting with him tomorrow to discuss my anxiety. Frankly, I don't think its best that I wait at all. I'll just leave my hopes up. I think all I can do is tell her, "go find yourself, look me up if you decide you want me in your life romantically" (maybe not those words, but something like that. She knows it isn't fair to keep me waiting. She knows this is in her head. It would be wrong for me to be there and support her - while, not being WITH her. I don't deserve that.

[Phoe]

Sounds like she was liking the familiarity and comfort of this relationship, but questioned whether she wanted this forever.

 

I think she was looking for an out, and sort of prodded you into giving an ultimatum that she would refuse.

[BC1980]

Thanks pointless. I have a meeting with him tomorrow to discuss my anxiety. Frankly, I don't think its best that I wait at all. I'll just leave my hopes up. I think all I can do is tell her, "go find yourself, look me up if you decide you want me in your life romantically" (maybe not those words, but something like that. She knows it isn't fair to keep me waiting. She knows this is in her head. It would be wrong for me to be there and support her - while, not being WITH her. I don't deserve that.

 

She might make your anxiety worse. With my ex, I was uneasy because of several instances where words did not match actions, he denied promises he had made or would go back on what he promised. So as time went on, I became more anxious in the relationship. Being with him would often put me in edge, and it was a relief to be out of the relationship. That might be what has happened here. She broke your trust once, and it's more difficult to put the pieces back together the second time around.

 

He did something major to break my trust two years into the relationship, and I now think that was the beginning of the end. It just went to hell from there because I never trusted him after that.

[xUnknown]

She might make your anxiety worse.

 

 

I thought about this as well. However, due to my recent life events, I've been through a lot. It's been a very difficult (to say the least) year for myself and my family. The anxiety I've been having started up since then. I don't think it is related to her - but you're right, she could be causing it to get worse. She mentioned on Saturday "I don't make you happy and I'm hurting you..." I rebutted and said "she did, except the past month or so she's been off and not treating me fairly". She followed up with a comment on my anxiety.

 

I have a meeting tonight with my to discuss my anxiety and hopefully start making progress on it.

[xUnknown]

Sounds like she was liking the familiarity and comfort of this relationship, but questioned whether she wanted this forever.

 

I think she was looking for an out, and sort of prodded you into giving an ultimatum that she would refuse.

 

My cousin (female) said the same. She said, her bff getting engaged made her question if she wanted to marry me. Before we got together, I told her, this is what I want, this is where I see things (marriage down the line) and to end it now if she didn't want the same. She took some time to think then agreed she did and as she mentioned several times before, she could see me in her future like that.

 

Cousin said "that at that time, it was more hypothetical, now, its real. She's confused. She didn't want to end it completely until she was 100% sure she could NOT see me as a husband".

 

I guess its http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/497025-time-some-soul-searching#post5941978

[Itspointless]

My cousin (female) said the same. She said, her bff getting engaged made her question if she wanted to marry me. Before we got together, I told her, this is what I want, this is where I see things (marriage down the line) and to end it now if she didn't want the same. She took some time to think then agreed she did and as she mentioned several times before, she could see me in her future like that.

 

Cousin said "that at that time, it was more hypothetical, now, its real. She's confused. She didn't want to end it completely until she was 100% sure she could NOT see me as a husband".

 

I guess its http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/497025-time-some-soul-searching#post5941978

There are other hypotheses that are just as probable: you scaring her having emotions over your brother, its not all about her; the oh boy my life is not as controllable as it seems with others; what if there is another person who is even better than xUnknown; I can't handle others emotions, stay away; I dont't know who I am, I thought I did, but I didn't; etc.

[xUnknown]

There are other hypotheses that are just as probable: you scaring her having emotions over your brother, its not all about her; the oh boy my life is not as controllable as it seems with others; what if there is another person who is even better than xUnknown; I can't handle others emotions, stay away; I dont't know who I am, I thought I did, but I didn't; etc.

 

Don't worry, I'm picking up what you're putting down...

 

One part stood out to me. She said she was hurt because I didn't go to her to vent/cry/grieve after his death, like I couldn't talk to her about it. I understand why she would be hurt, but she did make it about herself right there. Sounded kind of selfish when she mentioned that to me. I just handled it differently and now my anxiety is ramping up because I didn't deal with his death properly - it wasn't about her at all, but it seemed like she made it about her. She said she wants to help me through this.

[Natsu21]

Have you ever thought of the real reason a woman in a relationship is having doubts when things aren't all that bad?

 

I've been through these conversations before...I want you to consider something, and consider this well: She's approaching a time where she's feeling like she's settling for you, and wonders if she can get better, be happier, be more fulfilled. It's a thing lots of young people do around your age and the media feeds into that to sell merchandise.

 

Truth is, you may not be able to prove it, but she's confused for this reason: she knows, or believes that you're a secure choice, and would welcome her back with open arms, she believes, but she's bored with you and wants to see if you're the best she can get, or is there another guy out there who will make her happier. If not a guy(though mostly, a guy IS involved) she may feel like you're an anchor to what she wants to pursue. But at the same time, if her hunch is wrong, she would come back to you, with open arms, say she loves you and not have to be alone.

 

She may LOVE you, but she's no longer IN love with you, and unfortunately, she may be too young and inexperienced to make a rational decision on your behalf.

 

I'd suggest to leave friendly, but I don't think she's going to come back. She's interested in someone or something else, but doesn't want to completely let go of you. You may not be able to prove it but if she's got it so good with you, what does a career or a dream stop that? The answer:

 

Only if it prevents her from being with someone better.

 

Time to let this one go buddy. I'd think you should just listen to the cues, however painful, and just go off the radar. If she wants to talk about getting back together...she knows where to find you.

 

You deserve to be with someone who wants you, no doubt.

[xUnknown]

So, I'm done trying.

 

Saturday night around 11pm I got a text from her "Hey, I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to stop in town this weekend". (the plan was to meet and sort of smooth things over since last Saturday where I issued the ultimatum and tell her "As long as you're not interested in or seeing anyone else, we're good. I need some more time myself to figure out what is best for me" then drop contact a little bit). I replied with "Ok". That was it.

 

 

My close guy friend said, "dude, that's your answer right there. She's out. If she had any interest at all, she would have stopped to visit."

 

However, a close girl friend said, "so it sounds like she still isn't sure. Take some time and date other people while she figures her **** out."

 

In either scenario, I think I'm just going to let it drop off and let her wonder. I made my efforts (again, like I always have), she didn't do anything.

 

I hate the though of unfriending her from Facebook. I don't know why - but it just feels immature? I'm not exactly sure why I can't. Each time I go to go do it, I go and look at her profile pictures and noticed she still has all of the ones we were together in that album. Also, all her other pictures of us are still there. She hasn't deleted or untagged them.

 

I really want to ask her close friend's boyfriend if there is another guy involved. Or, text her and ask her if there is so I know weather I need to get an std test. I don't think there is (considering she was away for 3 months and we were together during that entire trip)...but who knows now.

 

I don't know. I'm still so confused at the situation. I often swap back and forth between acceptance and being pissed off about it. It just sucks having someone you care about push you away.

[Natsu21]

You know what's really immature? Pretending to be a friend when you wanna be a boyfriend. Deleting her from your facebook so you can move on is actually pretty mature of you, rather than building up anger and hate.

[lauri]

Don't worry about unfriending her man. It's for your own health / benefits.

 

Do you think, after your recent experience, it is possible to regain an ex's interest level in you?

[xUnknown]

Don't worry about unfriending her man. It's for your own health / benefits.

 

Do you think, after your recent experience, it is possible to regain an ex's interest level in you?

 

-I'm going to do it when I feel like I'm ready. I'm not there yet.

-I don't know. She was away for a few months, when we saw each other during that time, it was great. It was great before. It doesn't seem like her interest dropped (per-say). It just seemed like something happened and her mind went B*llsh*t on her.

 

You know what's really immature? Pretending to be a friend when you wanna be a boyfriend. Deleting her from your facebook so you can move on is actually pretty mature of you, rather than building up anger and hate.

 

You're right. I honestly hadn't thought of it that way before. I know I will. But right now I feel like maybe I need some of that hate to push me through the next level in the grieving process. I don't want to do anything I'm going to regret - like I did when I issued the ultimatum. I'll do it when I'm comfortable doing it.

[xUnknown]

So, as I'm sure many of you have gotten from this thread or from my prior ones (for those that have been following me). It has been a very difficult year.

 

We just had to put our dog down last night unexpectedly. She was 11 (not terribly old) and in the past week-week and a half, her health dropped considerably.

 

Part of me wishes she(ex) saw it in Facebook. I'm sure she did - she's friends with my family and I know they all posted about it. Again, there's that bit about getting your hopes up. Obviously, I didn't intend to.

 

A number of people (friends/family) and here on LS say that eventually she'll reach out. For reconciliation or just to check up, who knows. We didn't end on terrible terms, and as of last Wednesday (when she suggested maybe meeting Sunday), she seemed receptive of meeting me. Again, I can't cling on to that hope - and even if she did, I'm not so sure I could trust her again.

 

--

She texted me "I'm so sorry to hear about Shadow's passing away. I hope you're doing ok."

 

I'll most likely respond with a simple "Thanks" and take the high road.

Edited October 14, 2014 by xUnknown
text from her

[lauri]

So, as I'm sure many of you have gotten from this thread or from my prior ones (for those that have been following me). It has been a very difficult year.

 

We just had to put our dog down last night unexpectedly. She was 11 (not terribly old) and in the past week-week and a half, her health dropped considerably.

 

Part of me wishes she(ex) saw it in Facebook. I'm sure she did - she's friends with my family and I know they all posted about it. Again, there's that bit about getting your hopes up. Obviously, I didn't intend to.

 

A number of people (friends/family) and here on LS say that eventually she'll reach out. For reconciliation or just to check up, who knows. We didn't end on terrible terms, and as of last Wednesday (when she suggested maybe meeting Sunday), she seemed receptive of meeting me. Again, I can't cling on to that hope - and even if she did, I'm not so sure I could trust her again.

 

--

She texted me "I'm so sorry to hear about Shadow's passing away. I hope you're doing ok."

 

I'll most likely respond with a simple "Thanks" and take the high road.

 

Seriously dude, even if she does try to meet up with you I would just cancel on her. Tell her something came up and go NC. I'm afraid that when you show commitment to her she seems to run for this hills (kind of like my ex girlfriend). Its sad to say that I think that they only want us when they can't have us...not a good situation to be in if you ask me.

[xUnknown]

Seriously dude, even if she does try to meet up with you I would just cancel on her. Tell her something came up and go NC. I'm afraid that when you show commitment to her she seems to run for this hills (kind of like my ex girlfriend). Its sad to say that I think that they only want us when they can't have us...not a good situation to be in if you ask me.

 

That's just it, she knows I would too. That's why last time she drove 3.5 hours and showed up at my place unannounced.

[movingonnow1]

That's just it, she knows I would too. That's why last time she drove 3.5 hours and showed up at my place unannounced.

 

To me, like in my situation, I would assume that means she wants you back and finds you worth it if she drove over 3.5 hrs.. Sometimes I just don't get people man - so selfish and don't care about the effect that they will have on you.

[xUnknown]

To me, like in my situation, I would assume that means she wants you back and finds you worth it if she drove over 3.5 hrs.. Sometimes I just don't get people man - so selfish and don't care about the effect that they will have on you.

 

Oh, I completely agree. That's what happened when we split up (not recently, but last year). Clearly that did have a big impact on me which is why I took her back. Honestly, I would have done the same thing too had the roles been reversed.

[xUnknown]

I did just what the title said. I checked her FB. First time since early Nov.

 

Anyways, she looks good, has been running a lot and lost some weight. I'm sure that had done wonders to her self confidence.

 

I'm not sure how I feel. Obviously jealous because I know someone is going to enjoy her (physically and mentally/relationship wise) the way I used to. Sure, I've reminisced about how we broke up, all the good times, all the bad times. Sure, I miss her, and I'm sure she'll always hold a special place in my heart.

 

 

I've been doing well. I was actually in the hospital from NYE - Jan 8th for a Knee infection (pretty serious matter). Up until that point I was doing quite well. Then I would think about her a lot. I had her help after my ACL surgery, so I think not having her there to help me or care for me was like a punch in the face.

 

I was a bit irritated she never texted me to see how I was doing. Even if I had a falling out with an ex, I'd still check up on them if they were in the hospital, especially for an extended period of time like I was. Her mom works at the hospital, she did stop by to see how I was doing - which was nice (neither of us ever brought up how the ex was doing).

 

I think that's why I looked. I'd started thinking about her more, missing having an SO in my life - especially with V-Day the other day.