Everything was great and then he dissapeared.

[clia]

He responded with:

 

"I've had fun too. I understand. I think highly of you in so many ways. I really can't hope for anything but the best for you. You deserve it."

 

I can't help but think this is just nice b***sh*t.

But at least I got my answer.

 

What did you say in your text?

 

Sounds like it was more than just "Hi, I'm back in town!"

[writergal]

I agree with venus. At least you stood up for yourself HATG and you got the answer you needed to hear. Take care of yourself. Dating is such a numbers game, a game of chance. Like the cliche goes, "you have to kiss a lot of toads (even rock musician toads) before you find your prince." So, this guy was a toad. Next!

[HereAndThenGone]

I said:

 

"Hey. I've had a lot of fun with you these past few months and I enjoy spending time with you. I think at this point, we want different things. I'm not looking to casually hookup and need something more than that at this point. I hope you're well."

 

I didn't really ask him anything but he hasn't talked to me in 5 days.. it would just be establishing what I already really knew.

 

If he felt different he would have retorted what I said but he didn't, so that's that...

[clia]

It sounds to me like you dumped him.

 

Look, I'm the first person to point out when a woman is being blown off or ignored by a guy or when he isn't pursuing. I'm the first person to encourage a woman to move on. I'm just not convinced about what happened here. Your going out of town threw everything off kilter. I don't even think going a few days without talking is that huge of a deal, given that you were out of town.

 

I wonder what would've happened if you would've just texted him on Monday or Tuesday and said "Hi, I'm back in town! My trip was great!"

 

Oh well...

[writergal]

Hmm I agree with everything you said clia but that she dumped him. I don't think her text dumped him. I think her text created boundaries. Maybe that was the problem to start with -- neither of you really discussed what you expected from your connection. You hadn't discussed exclusivity before you went out of town. Doesn't mean you couldn't have discussed it when you'd got back into town. But you did let him know you were back in town, right? Or he knew the day you'd be back, yet he didn't reach out to you. Never pay attention to someone's words, as much as to their actions. He didn't reach out to you the day you got back. Had he done that, this would be a different thread.

 

HATG wanted something long term and he didn't. So yeah, I think you did the right thing texting him because you found out he had different expectations. He wanted more of a hookup with you, something casual and you didn't. C'est la vie.

 

He's a toad.

 

Now go find your prince.

[clia]

Not to overanalyze everything, but the reason why I say that it sounds like a dumping is:

 

"Hey. I've had a lot of fun with you these past few months and I enjoy spending time with you. I think at this point, we want different things.

 

This is a nice way of dumping him.

 

I'm not looking to casually hookup and need something more than that at this point. I hope you're well."

 

In my experience, a lot of men will interpret statements like the bolded to mean that you want Commitment with a Capital C, and you want marriage and all of that, and it will send them running for the hills if said too early on in the relationship. These two are still early on, and haven't even discussed the status of the relationship. Even though I know she didn't mean that, a lot of men will interpret it that way. It's pretty ridiculous, but I've had it happen several times.

 

So, in my opinion, he might've just let it go because he wasn't ready to get Serious, even though she may not be ready to get Serious yet either.

 

Does that make sense?

[venusishername]

I don't think her text dumped him. I think her text created boundaries. Maybe that was the problem to start with -- neither of you really discussed what you expected from your connection.

 

HATG wanted something long term and he didn't. So yeah, I think you did the right thing texting him because you found out he had different expectations. He wanted more of a hookup with you, something casual and you didn't. C'est la vie.

He's a toad.

Now go find your prince.

 

 

^^^ so agree with the above!!! ^^^^

I spent the past month in a very similar situation (I have a long ass thread on here about it) but you know what? What you did is what I would have SO MUCH have LIKED to do, and hear in response! I never got to that point. As much as it hurts you, consider yourself at an advantage because you DID establish your boundaries verbally and he responded with kindness and understanding, while letting you know that he respects you. At least now you know clearly, and not all is lost.

Like Writergal says: now you know he's a 'toad' and now you can find your prince! I'm with you, girl!

[writergal]

That makes total sense clia.

 

I still think on a deeper level though, that they both had different expectations that hadn't verbalized to each other yet, which they probably should have. I know after about 4 dates if I just want to date one guy and no one else. For some it takes longer I think. When to discuss exclusivity is a personal preference.

 

HATG wanted something more, and her text was a way to let him know that. So in essence, that was her way to ask him for exclusivity. And he turned her down, based on his text response. I don't think HATG scared him away. I think she found out that she was more of an option to him, rather than a priority. And who wants to be some guy's option?

[amkxoxo]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Men ugh. I totally understand what you are going through. I myself went through hard times with a guy in similar ways. Guys may sometimes not even know what they are doing or how you are reacting. They don't think like women do. We worry about others more than males. Some times its good to sit back and just chill. Be cool as a cucumber. I would have texted him a simple, "hey i'm back" and then let him lead from there. Someone not responding for hours isn't a sign he doesn't like you. It could be any thing. I would have probably freaked out too though, heck, I have with my old guy. Someone on this site told me something a long time ago and I never forgot it.

 

 

A guy who truly values you and cares about you (prioritizes you) will never make you feel uneasy about you and him. He wouldn't want you to be questioning everything and he will want you to feel secure and happy not confused and upset over him. No guy would want this. Now I am not saying that every guy is like this. Some guys may truly genuinely not know how he is affecting you, but most will want you to know where you stand after a while of dating. Unfortunately maybe this guy isn't totally into pining you down for a relationship, which is what you really want. Guys suck. Trust me. I "dated" someone for 8 months on and off hoping for a relationship, that he lead me to believe 'might' happen in the future. We had many conversations together about "us" and being together and every time he would rail me into him and weeks later I was left confused, concerned, and wanting more from him, which would lead to more conversations and me looking like a crazy emotional basket case. One time he even told me he didn't realize how deeply I cared because I never showed it. I was like you must be off your rocker because me calling all the time and wanting to spend all my time with you wasn't a clue? Then got hurt and couldn't walk for a while and at first he was my biggest fan. Then as I was trying to heal, we had an intense conversation. It was rough. He was emotionless. I needed him to feel sorry for me, think of me, miss me, want to help me. He was MIA. He left me when I needed him most. I miss him everyday because of the moments we shared. Take that as you heal. You had good moments with this man. Hold onto them and never forget them, but realize that someone can give you other good moments too and not leave you high and dry. I am in the process of healing like you. And an fyi, maybe next time don't have sex with him right away. Any good guy would respect you more if you wait a while. It does mean a lot to good men. Heal your mind and spirit. This experience will hopefully not make you bitter, but more knowledgeable about men.

 

To add to the above statements, I think that the guy may have interpreted her text as she needs more, or she needs someone else. It may have been a bit strong. It might have been good to get back in touch with him first and then talk to him in person about what you expect out of it. He may have seen it as a breakup and it may have scared him away. Especially where he thought you were just coming back from vacation and then you throw that at him. Either way though he doesn't seem like he wanted exclusivity anyway, in my opinion.

 

 

Good Luck!

Edited October 3, 2014 by amkxoxo

[HereAndThenGone]

I don't feel like I broke up with him, we were never officially together. We never had "the talk" anyways.

Whenever I'd say something that could be considered "cutesy" or "lovey" he'd either back off or respond with something sarcastic.

 

Here or there he'd throw things in though, which was confusing.

I sent him a song and said something like "It's soooo amazing" and he responded back "you're soooo amazing". So, it was confusing...Ugh =(

 

So sad right now. I know I'll get through this because I've been here before. I really liked this one though and I liked that he was older than me. I felt that maybe he was more "ready" for a relationship.

 

We've both been married and divorced once before. I have two kids and he has none. He knew about my kids before pursuing me though, but this could have been a factor in him not wanting to get serious with me.

 

I just don't get it. The last time we were together before I left, we had a really great night, he took me to dinner, we slept together, he asked to see me when I got back and now here we are. Just like that. It blows my mind how quickly things change.

[venusishername]

I just don't get it. The last time we were together before I left, we had a really great night, he took me to dinner, we slept together, he asked to see me when I got back and now here we are. Just like that. It blows my mind how quickly things change.

 

 

It's amazing to me how common this seems to be with men. I don't understand how it could be one way and then so different in such a short period of time either. It's totally beyond me.

I think it was very forward of you to say what you did to him without prompt, but you were simply expressing your expectations that he hadn't met while giving him an opportunity to meet you halfway. I think what you were trying to say between the lines was, 'hey, I'm not ok with not hearing from you for this long, and that you're not making plans to see me now that you know I'm back from my trip!' (again, been there recently). In my situation, I played it cool and aloof and said 'hey, I'm back from my trip! We should get a drink soon' (I swear, this is why I'm relating a lot to what you are writing!) I wish I had the balls to say what you did, because you got a clear answer, and I didn't. I got a half assed answer that left me scratching my head.

 

I always think it's good idea to have a 'what are you looking for' conversation prior to becoming intimate if you really like the person; and holding off on that for awhile. I agree, the good men will respect you more if you wait a bit. Also, I think that it speaks volumes as to someone who is clearly not making you a priority, it's true that if you are to someone, you won't have to wonder. Hang in there, and keep smiling (or trying to).

[SunnySide0418]

I don't know if it's worse to contact him and hear why (if he responds) or not do anything. Ugh, my heart hurts. Don't know if I can handle what he could possibly have to say to me right now. I don't know what to do.

 

I would contact him and ask him what's up. Why let him get off easy. He's not contacting you because he's being a coward. I'd text (once) and see if he responds. You could say something like, "what happened to you"..

[HereAndThenGone]

I think it was very forward of you to say what you did to him without prompt, but you were simply expressing your expectations that he hadn't met while giving him an opportunity to meet you halfway. I think what you were trying to say between the lines was, 'hey, I'm not ok with not hearing from you for this long, and that you're not making plans to see me now that you know I'm back from my trip!' (again, been there recently).

 

Yes, I agree. I was slightly forward but that was purposeful.

I'm 29 and have dated my fair share and I can tell you right now the last relationship I was in was a doozy.

I was totally pathetic; I cried, begged him not to leave. He of course disappeared and I've never heard from him since.

 

I was a mess. I was on here looking for answers. Subconsciously hoping I'd see him post on here about us, that he secretly wanted me back.

Does anyone else do this?

I refresh hoping it'd be a post by him asking something like "I really like this girl but I'm scared to tell her how I really feel".

 

In a perfect world, right?

 

I never thought I'd get over him, but I did. I didn't think I'd be completely attracted to a guy like I was the last one, again. But then this guy came along.

 

I'm really upset and I'm going through the same feelings I was having with my last relationship. I'm at work and I have to leave every 30 minutes to go cry in the bathroom. The only thing that's different this time around is that I know I've gotten through this before.

 

I know I'm going to hit a point tonight, tomorrow, and the next day, etc. where something will pop in my head and I'll wonder if he'll ever want me back. I know I'm going to go to bed tonight and the thought of him sleeping with another girl is going to enter my mind and I'm going to cry.

But I also know that I matter too, and that I can't make someone love me and that doesn't make me unloveable.

 

Easier said than done, right?

 

I think most of us have a similar feeling going on right now, or have in the past. I appreciate everyone's insight and responses.

[Adele0908]

DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR BEST FRIEND!!

 

Oh, dang it seems like you already did.

 

I think this situation could have been salvaged, if you were able to let go and TRUST. You mentioned being too stubborn to contact him, but at the same time, too impatient to wait. Lol, I know this very feeling. But sometimes, we as women have to challenge ourselves to move past our personality traits, so we can grow.

 

You talked about your last relationship ending with you crying and begging your ex to stay. So what I see in your last situation and this one is a fear of abandonment. A lot of people, including myself, deal with this, but the first step to not letting this fear sabotage all your relationships, is to acknowledge the fear, so that you are aware. Because it looks like this situation could keep repeating, unless you go beyond just blaming the guy for his behavior, and take more ownership of the things you are doing.

 

You may always have this fear, but if you are aware of it, you will not let it control your actions, and you'll learn to relax more.

[HereAndThenGone]

DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR BEST FRIEND!!

 

Oh, dang it seems like you already did.

 

I think this situation could have been salvaged, if you were able to let go and TRUST. You mentioned being too stubborn to contact him, but at the same time, too impatient to wait. Lol, I know this very feeling. But sometimes, we as women have to challenge ourselves to move past our personality traits, so we can grow.

 

You talked about your last relationship ending with you crying and begging your ex to stay. So what I see in your last situation and this one is a fear of abandonment. A lot of people, including myself, deal with this, but the first step to not letting this fear sabotage all your relationships, is to acknowledge the fear, so that you are aware. Because it looks like this situation could keep repeating, unless you go beyond just blaming the guy for his behavior, and take more ownership of the things you are doing.

 

You may always have this fear, but if you are aware of it, you will not let it control your actions, and you'll learn to relax more.

 

How could it have been salvaged? I told him I wanted something more. He didn't respond saying he did too. He responded with "I understand".

 

The conversations got increasing further apart and he's leaving to go on tour and didn't contact to see me.

 

I don't see how waiting around would have changed anything.

 

Anyways, I'm definietly having a hard time right now, now that it's a night I would typically see him and he's not here. I miss him.

[Adele0908]

Well personally....I think that text you sent was a complete cop-out.

First of all it was a text format. Huh? Something that significant through a text?

 

Second, the message was actually rude. You didn't even give him a chance to explain. Honestly it comes off like you never even cared about him to begin with.

 

Third, you never really let him know how you felt. Did you tell him that you missed him or that it hurt your feelings that he didn't call?

 

I mean seriously, you catch more flies with honey, ya know?

 

 

 

I never thought I'd get over him, but I did. I didn't think I'd be completely attracted to a guy like I was the last one, again. But then this guy came along.

 

I'm really upset and I'm going through the same feelings I was having with my last relationship.

 

This is what happens when you don't get the lesson the first time. That's why you keep attracting the same situation. I had to go through situations like this a few (very painful) times before it clicked that I needed to do something different.

[Conners]

Well personally....I think that text you sent was a complete cop-out.

First of all it was a text format. Huh? Something that significant through a text?

 

Second, the message was actually rude. You didn't even give him a chance to explain. Honestly it comes off like you never even cared about him to begin with.

 

Third, you never really let him know how you felt. Did you tell him that you missed him or that it hurt your feelings that he didn't call?

 

I mean seriously, you catch more flies with honey, ya know?

 

 

 

 

This is what happens when you don't get the lesson the first time. That's why you keep attracting the same situation. I had to go through situations like this a few (very painful) times before it clicked that I needed to do something different.

 

That's a bit harsh.

If he really liked her enough he would of been like "what are you talking about!?!?, I do want to be with you etc" in other words he would of at least fought for her a bit..

It sounds like he was relieved that she had worked out he wasn't after anything serious.

The tone of the message definitely suggested she doesn't care as much as she really does though.

[Adele0908]

O

That's a bit harsh.

If he really liked her enough he would of been like "what are you talking about!?!?, I do want to be with you etc" in other words he would of at least fought for her a bit..

It sounds like he was relieved that she had worked out he wasn't after anything serious.

The tone of the message definitely suggested she doesn't care as much as she really does though.

 

True, he may not have been invested, but it was still in the beginning stages. I am just pointing out that she could have done things differently to influence the relationship and help it grow, using trust and vulnerability. Maybe he sensed that she would be a difficult woman to make happy and that's why he didn't fight for her. Of course, I don't know the whole story so this is all speculation.

[Diezel]

#1: He's in a band.

 

#2: Had you sent me that text, I would have thought you had dumped me... NOT "standing up for yourself".

 

#3: Why would you text that hoping to trigger some emotional response? We don't work like that.

 

#4: Why not just ASK, "Hey, what's going on with us lately?"

 

It's a lot of running around in circles, poor communication, and overthinking that probably could have been avoided with a simple phone call. I'm not saying he is a saint, but you didn't have to go 4 days without any communication.

 

Regardless, he's in a band.

[Haerts]

I really have to agree with what was said regarding the text sounding like you were dumping him. It's like you tried to tell him you were looking for more than an affair, but at the same time you didn't give him room to explain. I could see your text like "I'm looking for something serious, which you cannot give me. It was awesome, but I'm done. Bye". Sorry, I know that wasn't your intention, but that's how I see it. That's how I'd read it.

 

HOWEVER, if I had interest, I would reply asking what's up and saying that I'd like to see you again. Then again, that's me. But according to his reply and considering he didn't really try to talk to you during these days and didn't say he was interested on seeing you again, it's very clear that he's not interested anymore, which is awesome in a way, 'cause you shouldn't feel confused right now. I understand you're upset, but at least you know you can heal and move on now. Easier said than done, but you'll get through this. I promise.

[HereAndThenGone]

#1: He's in a band.

 

#2: Had you sent me that text, I would have thought you had dumped me... NOT "standing up for yourself".

 

#3: Why would you text that hoping to trigger some emotional response? We don't work like that.

 

#4: Why not just ASK, "Hey, what's going on with us lately?"

 

It's a lot of running around in circles, poor communication, and overthinking that probably could have been avoided with a simple phone call. I'm not saying he is a saint, but you didn't have to go 4 days without any communication.

 

Regardless, he's in a band.

 

The texts got further and further apart. He completely stopped reaching out to me.

 

I guess I could have asked him what was going on but to me it felt like a fade out.

 

Going from texting a girl everything day to nothing in 5 days. It seemed obvious to me. I can see one or two days but 5 days without thinking to reach out? And the five days before I was the one that reached out and he took hours to respond each time.

 

I don't know. I guess I don't think I want to know. You're right, obviously we didn't communicate well but when I tried to talk about certain things he shut down. I feel like he was keeping me casual because he didn't want to commit to anything. Which probably means he's persuing other girls.

 

Part of it was, I didnt have the strength to ask I guess.

 

The thing I'm having a hard time with right now is that it was really good right before j left on my trip. Something happened during the time I was gone. Either he thought about it got freak out and didn't want to commit to me, or he has other interests.

 

I hate wondering what the reason really is.

[Diezel]

The reason doesn't matter. And that's the problem most people can't face. They want the "WHY" when the WHY isn't what matters, it's the effect.

 

Forget the cause.

 

You have the answer right in front of you.

Life is doing you a favor by having him not be in it right now.

 

Even if you asked him, even if you knew, it probably won't help. Whatever it was, that's on him, not you and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can move on. I think you need to start thinking of your trip as your saving grace.

[HereAndThenGone]

The reason doesn't matter. And that's the problem most people can't face. They want the "WHY" when the WHY isn't what matters, it's the effect.

 

Forget the cause.

 

You have the answer right in front of you.

Life is doing you a favor by having him not be in it right now.

 

Even if you asked him, even if you knew, it probably won't help. Whatever it was, that's on him, not you and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can move on. I think you need to start thinking of your trip as your saving grace.

 

 

Thank you, I know. It's just hard because I miss him and this all just happened 24 hours ago.

 

It's been awhile since I've had feelings for someone and it sucks that Im back going through these sad feelings again.

[smackie9]

He responded with:

 

"I've had fun too. I understand. I think highly of you in so many ways. I really can't hope for anything but the best for you. You deserve it."

 

 

This is a total blow off....seriously what a coward.

[Diezel]

He took her "out" on it, that's why. I'm pretty sure as soon as he saw that message, he felt relief that he was now "off the hook" officially by her.

 

Either way, that chapter of her life is done and onto the next one.