So We're Separating

[Mr. Lucky]

I've always had a lot of respect for you, and the way you try to help others here. You are a very special soul.

Couldn't agree more. The married person you've described isn't the same person I see work hard here to offer advice and comfort to other posters.

 

I think BH nailed it, you're accentuating the negative. And I understand why. Just hope you get to a better place soon regardless of the outcome of your relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dreamingoftigers]

 

ok, in you case, your issues may never have come on if you had not been confronted with your husband's problematic behavior's. You went into a survival mode, whatever name there is for it, "fix - it syndrome," WHATEVER, these instincts to talk, and talk, and resolve and resolve, and plan and over plan, are symptomatic only of a woman desparately trying to preserve some semblance of a normal household that has been turned on it's head by bizarre and alarming circumstances for God's sake. Of course you have done the only thing you know to do, talk it out, therapy for other of you, trying to fix you and him.

 

Perhaps your only mistake is that you are too generous too sweet too kind too loving. You cannot repair him and create a lovely normal nest. It must be his choice to search methodology to create a functioning mind that is workable in the family. Trying to write theraputic prescriptions for him just failed. That is like telling the attorney to stop your line of work, eating/drinking habits and apply some attention to your wife or you will be dead next year. In general, is that personality type going to believe and act on that advice? He'll no.

 

Can we act on that advice, and shut it? Now that I see my talking problem and denial issue, I know I can do much better. Will that fix anything? Probably too late, and too much water under the bridge from my losing control and loaded mouth. All we can do is go forward, and practice listening. That is what I have leaned.

 

there is nothing you can do about where your propensities have left you - no matter if your husband was the driving force to bring on these propensities. All you can do is go forward with much the advice we give others here.

 

Do not believe his angry words. You are beautiul. You are loved. The most important person in your life in the child. NC, focus on yourself. Happily give him what he asked for. Focus on what areas you believe you can improve on a person. That is all we can do.

 

my goal was to explain how I got this desease and to clarify that I was not saying

 

you had symptoms of this desease. I hope I did that OK. We love DOT. Yas

So much here.

 

Please dont find my brief response as having not taken it in or considered it.

I read it 3 times to be sure.

 

1. I am sorry that happened to you.

I feel your pain over the stress and abandonment.

Even over the feelings of "losing it" under those circumstances.

 

I have been traumatized by this and most of the previous things.

I have even lost track of days.

It makes me fearful that should it come up, he may claim I am mentally ill or unfit. He did that once before. I think it was part legit concern and part anger. But it cost us dearly.

 

2. I know that this monster (the wheel-turning, verbal-spewing, relentless beast) would not have awoken with such fervour if I had not face the initial trauma of what happened with him in Parry Sound. Then after that, the lies following.

It's like it was a fire that kept growing. And I was constantly looking for new sources of water to put it out. And when I would sleep or turn my back, it was like he poured more gasoline on it. I don't know how much of our history is just burned or salvageable.

 

He might call the above statement "negative" or "dramatic."

But it IS how I felt. How I still feel.

 

Like the last nine years of my life produced so many ashes. For so much effort. But maybe some of what I was pouring on that fire was gasoline.

 

There were lots of moments I was so frustrated I just wanted to sleep and let it burn.

 

3. I don't think his words were angry.

I think its what he believes.

I have found out more over this year that he has what I would describe to beva really rigid context in the way he sees me. People are often that way when stressed though.

I had that when I was suicidal when younger.

 

Like no one actually wanted me to survive. I was just a burden to them. I hurt them. And they would say that they cared about me and wanted me to live so that they didn't feel guilty if I died. And that part of why I wanted to die was so that I wouldn't be just a big, annoying weight in their lives. And when they would try to convince me to live and "how awesome ut would be" that I would feel anger towards them because they wanted me to keep being in so much pain so they wouldn't "feel bad." Often i would feel guilted into doing what they wanted.

Even though in hindsight thet may have had invested, genuine feelings in me. It did not feel like that at the time.

 

I see echoes of that with my husband.

He wants out of this life. Largely because he doesn't feel worthy or good about it. Thinks I ant perfection. Thinks I don't want to examine myself. Has very little hope for anything changing. But feels some relief when he runs and hits the highway. I can relate to that. That's originally why I hit the highway and ended up meeting him.

And a big part of why I know that EMDR could help him at least measure this more effectoveky. But if I were back in that state I would only see therapy as a kind of manipulative lie. Like a bandaid that makes you feel a little better for a little bit before "you screw up again and everyone hates you."

As well, you kinda think, "if therapy changes me, doesn't that n that there is something "wrong" with me. And if there's something wrong with me. That means one of two things. 1. If you love me and want to be with me.....then there is something wrong with you. You must not really love me. You must just need me for something. Maybe an emotional crutch. And I cannot do that. I am no good. Or 2. You are faking it because you are "supposed" to care about me. Or actually 3. You are trying to invest in me to avoid your own iissues.

 

I have a bit of 3. But until this last year.

The trauma from the last year actually struck so hard it is like I lost myself and my boundaries got consumed in the fire.

[couchcushion]

DOT,

 

I am really sorry for your pain. I can feel it through your words.

[pie2]

Sorry, dot.

 

Sometimes, there's nothing we can do but pray.

 

Your family is in my prayers. That your husband has a change of heart, and that God can bring some healing peace to the relationship.

 

sending you a (hug)

[whichwayisup]

((DOT))

 

Sorry for all that you're going through. Wish you lived closer, I'd give you a big hug in person.

[dreamingoftigers]

Firstly , I'm so sorry. I can empathize with you .

 

When you love someone and you feel like it's not reciprocated in a similar way, it's frustrating. You react, sometimes badly bad end up feeling guilty. When your in the middle of the situation, it's hard to see it with impartial clarity .

 

I know you love him, maybe though, he's just not right for you . You come across as a warm , loving , empathetic woman . You deserve someone who can love you fully.

 

To my dismay I also sometimes have a lot of words when I'd really prefer only a few. Unfortunately? When I try to curb it I end up saying nothing. (Workingon that one)

 

TY

 

I don't know what to make of so much of this.

A lot of it doesn't make sense.

I just think that we are in so much pain or trying to avoid it too see clearly.

I don't even know which parts of my brain are really functioning right now.

 

Honestly my family has so compounded all of this.

What a bunch.

I am not even certain how on-topic I am staying. I read everything and it just "kinda sticks."

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm sorry. This sounds like a very hard time for you.

 

I agree with others here - I am only reading the things that you think that you did wrong, and while it's important to look at yourself, a relationship is a co-creation.

 

I don't know what to say, but just be easy on yourself now. The most important things you have to do now are to take care of yourself and your daughter, and he can make his choice if he wants to come back and try to work on the family.

 

You're very smart, insightful, and have a lot of strengths. You'll get through this.

 

LPS.

 

Thanks.

And to everyone else......I KNOW this isn't entirely on me.

I KNOW.

 

But there ARE things that we do in relationships that contribute or contaminate.

I can honestly say that with the stress and bullcrap this summer....I probably did more contaminating.

 

It just IS.

[dreamingoftigers]

Just saw this, Dreaming. I'm so sorry you find yourself in that place, and I'm sorry to realize that's probably small comfort. I'd sure take your pain away if I could.

 

You tried. You sure did try.

 

TYVM

 

Yes I did.

 

Probably the part I don't get the most is he says "we tried for five years."

But we never finished one full course of ANYTHING.

Not conclusion with an actual counselor.

We had a marital counselor and we were working through stuff.....then he no-showed twice.

 

He just says stuff like "I can't handle this I'm leaving."

 

But never in.a way that lets anyone else be at peace with that.

 

Like why not go through with the counseling and see if there's anytjing viable before chucking a family? IDK.

[underpants]

TY.

 

But I wasn't happy either.

How does one convince oneself that they are lovable when they feel left behind by everyone that should have truly loved them?

 

 

When you learn to love yourself and truly let go with love.

[gaius]

Sorry dreaming. =/ Breaking up is always tough, can't even imagine what it's like when you're married with a kid.

[dichotomy]

TYVM

 

Yes I did.

 

Probably the part I don't get the most is he says "we tried for five years."

But we never finished one full course of ANYTHING.

Not conclusion with an actual counselor.

We had a marital counselor and we were working through stuff.....then he no-showed twice.

 

He just says stuff like "I can't handle this I'm leaving."

 

But never in.a way that lets anyone else be at peace with that.

 

Like why not go through with the counseling and see if there's anything viable before chucking a family? IDK.

 

 

I am so sorry for what happening. I have always respected you and your posts.

 

I suspect he felt there was no point in trying, it was not going to work, and was only "half assing" the work. I understand how hard it is to get my own spouse to put in the full work and effort.

 

Again I am sorry for this, I think you were willing to put in the work.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am so sorry for what happening. I have always respected you and your posts.

 

I suspect he felt there was no point in trying, it was not going to work, and was only "half assing" the work. I understand how hard it is to get my own spouse to put in the full work and effort.

 

Again I am sorry for this, I think you were willing to put in the work.

What gets me is that the counseling is EFT therapy.

 

So even if he didn't wish to remain with me, he could explore why and be at peace with that decision. And we could have emotionally prepared my daughter and for the fallout with fewer consequences and more awareness of the burgeoning conflicts that could occur.

 

I haven't gotten into the "how" he left. But the way he did, I can't see him being at peace at all with that.

 

Our daughter has gotten so frustrated in the past week.

Just upset and really angry over stuff that would involve him.

He's talked to her on the phone 3 times since leaving and visited her once.

 

And he was an everyday Dad.

They often did teeth and bedtime together.

She's hurting bad and its breaking my heart.

But I also get the feeling that he blames me for that.

Like "I forced him to have to leave like that because I am so relentless."

 

But it wasn't to a point where he would have to leave like that at all.

 

He says the most important thing is "stabilizing himself." So he has to go away and make money

 

But she's hurting NOW. She knows who Dad is. She knowd he's "supposed to be here for her."

 

And yet he doesn't call her. She calls him. She's five.

She doesn't care about "him getting stabilized." She wants to see and hear from her Dad. She wants him to be into her. One night he was drinking down at a regular foot traffic area. He decided not to come home. But I could "stop by and say hi." So retardedly I did. I begged him to just come home. And he flat out refused. Walked away from both of us. I started to follow him. So he kicked me. I forgot about that actually. He kicked me. Then he said "I didn't kick you. I just stuck my foot out and you shouldn't have followed me anyhow."

 

Man I have to get past this.

This is so sad.

[serial muse]

Oh, (((((DoT))))).

 

You have always come across as so thoughtful, wise, and kind on LS - I am positive that you are just the same IRL. I know this has been a really rough time for you, and you have been through so much to try to save your marriage over the years! Sure, nobody's perfect, and it's so tempting to excoriate ourselves to find that slip of control we missed, to see what we did wrong, how we could have "fixed" it, to find the secret ingredient -- but there is no such thing. You tried so very hard and from here at least it really looks like you gave it your all.

 

I know it might seem far off right now, but I wish you and your darling daughter peace and joy, even in the aftermath of this sorrow. And I know that that will come.

[evanescentworld]

You are quite evidently a popular, long-term, much-loved member of this forum, and my heart breaks to see such sadness. It's heart-warming to know so many members here love and respect you, and are reaching out to you...

 

I know your heart is shattered, emotionally, but on a practical level, how are you coping?

Is there anything anyone can do to help you? Who can you call on for support?

[Haydn]

All of this DOT as Serial says. Your posts are always read by me. I hope your situation changes. Dad should not want to miss out. Take care of you and her.

 

 

Oh, (((((DoT))))).

 

You have always come across as so thoughtful, wise, and kind on LS - I am positive that you are just the same IRL. I know this has been a really rough time for you, and you have been through so much to try to save your marriage over the years! Sure, nobody's perfect, and it's so tempting to excoriate ourselves to find that slip of control we missed, to see what we did wrong, how we could have "fixed" it, to find the secret ingredient -- but there is no such thing. You tried so very hard and from here at least it really looks like you gave it your all.

 

I know it might seem far off right now, but I wish you and your darling daughter peace and joy, even in the aftermath of this sorrow. And I know that that will come.

[3blindmice]

Dot,

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

There is a video that may help you to see what happened and how to cope with it. The video on this page and the articles on there can help you as well. I don't think it breaks the rules of LS to post the link and it has helped me. You can get a lot of information free from the page and it can be helpful.

 

Here is the link.

 

HSP?s: How to Say No to Narcissists once and for all

[dreamingoftigers]

So,

 

I skipped over a bunch of responses in the thread, I'll get back to them in a bit.

 

Um.....weirdness over the last couple of weeks.

 

Weirdness.

 

So. he was away for a bit. And no, there was no one else. I wasn't really sure at first. And I am a damn suspicious person.

 

But anyhow. In the last two weeks he wrecked his back very badly.

 

Slipped his L4 and L5 and has been in excruciating pain.

It will take 6 weeks to 3 months to repair itself or there is a 25% chance of him needing surgery.

 

In that time, we have started talking more and although things feel a lot better I think we still need to live apart for awhile.

 

Right now he isn't really able to do that. He loses all feeling in his right leg all the way down to his foot.

 

He has been to three doctor's appointments and the emergency room twice. Until last night he finally got the answers to what was wrong.

 

More fun: my daughter and I have head lice. So.... she has been staying over at another house for the time being because my case of head lice is INSANE. Over 300 eggs pulled out the first treatment. Her hair is much easier to deal with and so she should be clear already. If she stays with me, she will keep getting infested over and over. Ugh. We went over my hair five times the other night before I was clear. And today I have started scratching again.

 

Frigging awful. Stupid lice.

 

I will be replacing my daughter's childcare at the end of this as well. I have had a lot of problems with her the last year, even though she has been with us for 5 years. Now she is refusing to even provide fulltime childcare. And even though the stupid lice came from her house, she has been absolutely indignant about my daughter, which is the last straw for me.

 

I will also be renting out two rooms in my home to help offset the cost of losing my husband's income.

 

So things are changing.

 

For the past week I have actually been working my husband's job since he is completely out of commission. He is concerned that I might take his job. Can't say I haven't thought about it. But I can't work the same hours he could. He doesn't seem to have to provide or pay for childcare.....yet.

 

I do have a lot of resent toward my husband for not only past treatment but the whole way he handled this situation. I can see that he still has the "it was most important to get ME, ME, ME stabilized first. Screw you wife, screw you kid. ME ME ME ME." His situation with his back has made him gentler to me overall. But I wonder how much of that is simply desperation instead of appreciation.

 

Even now he has said "we may just have to set up a TV for me to watch downstairs etc." He didn't even talk to me about moving back in. Just assumed....."hey okay, you brought me to the hospital and tell me you love me.....I can live wherever I want. Instant passport."

 

Truth is, yes he can recover at mine until he is better and back to work. But to just assume after putting us through so much garbage?

 

I cannot tell you folks the kind of thread he left us dangling on over the last two weeks... oh wait, I can. He left us with $0.62. $0.62!!!!!!!

 

He took the last government cheque in my name (Universal Childcare) in its entirety and took off. Just left. Then he told me that "he said he would send me money tomorrow." But he didn't say that at all. And he didn't send any until the following week. In the last two weeks he has given me $110.00.

 

And I have been unemployed since Sept 24th. The church gave me food and some gas money.

 

Yes, I have been hurting.

Yes, I minimized what his issues are.

Yes, I am sick of this marriage being what it is.

and Yes, I am ready to start laying down ultimatums and moving on if there is ZERO progress.

 

Because, yes he may leave.

and yes he may blame "our arguments" which are really almost every single time I want to talk to him about something serious, he runs right out the door. Often after breaking something.

And yes he may say he's "never coming back" like an eight year old kid running away.

 

But he comes back when he wants or needs something. And often when he goes he has NO REAL PLAN.

And the NO LOGIC PLAN when he leaves works as well as the NO LOGIC plan when he is at home.

 

"Hey we need to pay the gas bill but let's order pizza instead.....and ice cream....and Wendy's."

Could we get any fatter? No wonder he slipped two disks. When he leaves I usually drop between 10-15 lbs.

No kidding.

 

I am going out East for a week on Oct 23rd. (My mother's family is paying, it is Grandma's 90th). I am not sure if I should come back. Calgary has been pretty tough on me. I grew up here and the ties I have here have eroded over the years. My parents are INSANE. I miss Ontario.

 

But moving requires me to switch my daughter's kindergarten and put her through move upheaval. I am not sure that's fair.

 

I have a lot of thinking to do.

[dreamingoftigers]

My best quote of last night:

 

We were in the Emergency Room at the hospital and I said to him, "No matter what happens, if there is any permanent damage I want you to know that I love you and I won't see you any differently......

 

......you are still a JackA**"

 

We both laughed.

[dreamingoftigers]

Just realized that I hit 9000 posts.

 

[CarrieT]

Wow, DoT. Just Wow.

 

My gut says, "Go to Ontario and don't come back."

 

Upheaval for a child in kindergarten? She will never remember it... Save yourself and your child will be better off in the long run with your loving family around her than your Deadbeat husband.

[amaysngrace]

Isn't it odd the way he didn't need you...until he did?

 

I think a move sounds like a good idea. Your daughter is young enough that she'll blend into a new school just fine.

 

I think you're doing a fine job in keeping it together. You're making plans and you're moving forward.

 

"A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step" xo

[BetrayedH]

I'm totally voting for a move to beautiful Ontario. The kindergartener will be fine. Be sure to leave $0.64 on the coffee table so your H can get by.

[RightThere]

(Sad face).

 

Stay strong and just focus on your daughter. Mine is 5 too and I can tell you some days it's the only reason I get out of bed.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow, DoT. Just Wow.

 

My gut says, "Go to Ontario and don't come back."

 

Upheaval for a child in kindergarten? She will never remember it... Save yourself and your child will be better off in the long run with your loving family around her than your Deadbeat husband.

 

Thanks Carrie T.

 

But I'll be completely honest..

 

I went through upheaval in Kindergarten and that particular upheaval WAS traumatic and frankly, affected me into my adult life until I had EMDR for it.

 

And it was the second major abandonment I had from a primary caregiver.

 

My husband is generally overall involved with her. (Despite his repugnant behaviour these last two weeks). And not just involved, but very much an invested Dad.

 

Which is why this is so messed up abd really confusing for her.

 

I can't see morally, ethically or developmentally shearing him out of her life completely. But I have begun the procedure for sole custody. I am not messing around.

 

I am also concerned that if I just take her East that it looks like "parental alienation." Which could affect me very poorly.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm totally voting for a move to beautiful Ontario. The kindergartener will be fine. Be sure to leave $0.64 on the coffee table so your H can get by.

 

That's $0.02 than he left me!

 

Interest?