She broke no contact wishing to work out a solution at work, should I reply?

[Sam1986]

So, this girl that broke up with me about 3 months ago, and which I unfortunately still like a lot (and still kind of want back), texted me this Friday after I had maintained radio silence for about 5 weeks. Long story short, we dated somewhat briefly for about 2 months over the summer (but had a strong connection before that also), before she broke up with me because I (the official reason) had been with a friend of her a year before, and (unofficially) because I was acting somewhat needy and she was unsure of her feelings and wanted to take things more slow in general. She then started dating a "friend" of mine immediately afterwards, while trying to keep me very close as a friend even though I clearly stated that if she really wanted a post-breakup friendship, I would not be happy if she started dating right away (she kept looking me up when I first tried to go NC, as she desperately wanted me as a friend, which I was stupid enough to say yes to on that condition). She has some psychological issues, a history of cutting her wrists, and sent me an anger-filled text after our breakup stating that she had to go to the acute psychiatric ward after I initiated NC and ignored her. We also started working together after the breakup, which is of course unfortunate.

 

Anyway, after about 2 weeks of me ignoring her at work and avoiding contact, we started to get on friendlier terms the last two weeks. We have been chatting briefly at work, and a week ago I baked a cake for Friday lunch which I even baked gluten-free because I didn't want to exclude her (she is allergic). This Friday, we had a longer chat, and even followed each other on the way out before going home, and I did something which might have been a big mistake: Before we parted, I asked if we could have somewhat of a more "friendly atmosphere" from now on, which she said she wanted, and then asked me for coffee sometime soon to catch up. I simply answered "maybe" to that one.

 

Then later that evening, she texted me a long text offering me coffee, to which I first replied today since I was unsure what to answer (I do want her back, but I dont want to be her fall-back option if she is still dating him). Here's the log of our texts, and I hope you guys could give me some advice here:

 

She:

"Hi. Very very nice to talk to you again, I really appreciated it. So much that I in fact dare to send you a text (I know it might be pushing my luck, so feel free to ignore). But to get to the point: if you actually want coffee, then I'm free all weekend. And if you dont want to or arent ready for it, then I guess I'll see you at work next week. At least I thought I'd give you the offer. Have a nice weekend :)"

 

Me:

"Hi. I was first and foremost thinking about a friendlier relationship at work, and I am already doubting whether that offer was a good idea. What are you trying to accomplish by having a cup of coffee over the weekend?"

 

She:

"Sorry, just forget that I asked. Just thought it would be nice to sit down and chat a bit in order to get over the tense situation that has been/still is, but if you think it's a bad idea then let's not. But a friendlier relationship at work is something I still hope we can manage."

 

Me:

"I dont think that's such a good idea. I am currently working a lot on self-improvement after the student-life, and correcting mistakes that I did during this time (I referred to me sleeping with her friend the year before), and I am generally in a good place right now with lots of positive stuff going on in my life. Meeting now would also show a lack of respect towards your new relationship."

 

She:

"All right then. I guess we will see each other at work the next week, either we want to or not. But nice to hear that you are doing fine. But when it comes to lack of respect, in my opinion I think its more a lack of respect to ignore others in the same room as yourself (referring to herself)."

 

 

Question is, why is she saying that last sentence, and what should I do about it?

- Should I just not answer it, seeing as I am in a good place right now and would risk my own healing?

- Or was I too cold with her, and should apologize to her for the distress caused to her after being in NC and not talking to her at work initially? (I apologized to her before when she told me about the acute psychiatric ward-thing, to which she never replied, and which made me angry because I felt that I shouldn't apologize for it to begin with as I just wanted no contact because I was hurting)

- Should I perhaps answer as maturely as possible, saying something along the lines of "It's unfortunate that you are taking this so badly. I wish you a nice weekend"?

- Is there a misunderstanding in place here, where she might think that I retracted my offer of friendlier terms at the office and then lashed out by saying I show "a lack of respect", while I was just referring to the meetup? (I think my text is clear on that point?)

- Is this girl simply "crazy", or is her response warranted?

 

Again, I really do want to be nice with this girl as I really like her, but I do not want to become her close friend while she is still dating him, and I felt that my only option was to make that clear by saying that I felt that meeting up would show a lack of respect towards her new relationship.

Opinions on what I should do?

Edited November 9, 2014 by Sam1986

[lemonsugar]

So, this girl that broke up with me about 3 months ago, and which I unfortunately still like a lot (and still kind of want back), texted me this Friday after I had maintained radio silence for about 5 weeks. Long story short, we dated somewhat briefly for about 2 months over the summer (but had a strong connection before that also), before she broke up with me because I (the official reason) had been with a friend of her a year before, and (unofficially) because I was acting somewhat needy and she was unsure of her feelings and wanted to take things more slow in general. She then started dating a "friend" of mine immediately afterwards, while trying to keep me very close as a friend even though I clearly stated that if she really wanted a post-breakup friendship, I would not be happy if she started dating right away (she kept looking me up when I first tried to go NC, as she desperately wanted me as a friend, which I was stupid enough to say yes to on that condition). She has some psychological issues, a history of cutting her wrists, and sent me an anger-filled text after our breakup stating that she had to go to the acute psychiatric ward after I initiated NC and ignored her. We also started working together after the breakup, which is of course unfortunate.

 

Anyway, after about 2 weeks of me ignoring her at work and avoiding contact, we started to get on friendlier terms the last two weeks. We have been chatting briefly at work, and a week ago I baked a cake for Friday lunch which I even baked gluten-free because I didn't want to exclude her (she is allergic). This Friday, we had a longer chat, and even followed each other on the way out before going home, and I did something which might have been a big mistake: Before we parted, I asked if we could have somewhat of a more "friendly atmosphere" from now on, which she said she wanted, and then asked me for coffee sometime soon to catch up. I simply answered "maybe" to that one.

 

Then later that evening, she texted me a long text offering me coffee, to which I first replied today since I was unsure what to answer (I do want her back, but I dont want to be her fall-back option if she is still dating him). Here's the log of our texts, and I hope you guys could give me some advice here:

 

She:

"Hi. Very very nice to talk to you again, I really appreciated it. So much that I in fact dare to send you a text (I know it might be pushing my luck, so feel free to ignore). But to get to the point: if you actually want coffee, then I'm free all weekend. And if you dont want to or arent ready for it, then I guess I'll see you at work next week. At least I thought I'd give you the offer. Have a nice weekend :)"

 

Me:

"Hi. I was first and foremost thinking about a friendlier relationship at work, and I am already doubting whether that offer was a good idea. What are you trying to accomplish by having a cup of coffee over the weekend?"

 

She:

"Sorry, just forget that I asked. Just thought it would be nice to sit down and chat a bit in order to get over the tense situation that has been/still is, but if you think it's a bad idea then let's not. But a friendlier relationship at work is something I still hope we can manage."

 

Me:

"I dont think that's such a good idea. I am currently working a lot on self-improvement after the student-life, and correcting mistakes that I did during this time (I referred to me sleeping with her friend the year before), and I am generally in a good place right now with lots of positive stuff going on in my life. Meeting now would also show a lack of respect towards your new relationship."

 

She:

"All right then. I guess we will see each other at work the next week, either we want to or not. But nice to hear that you are doing fine. But when it comes to lack of respect, in my opinion I think its more a lack of respect to ignore others in the same room as yourself (referring to herself)."

 

 

Question is, why is she saying that last sentence, and what should I do about it?

- Should I just not answer it, seeing as I am in a good place right now and would risk my own healing?

- Or was I too cold with her, and should apologize to her for the distress caused to her after being in NC and not talking to her at work initially? (I apologized to her before when she told me about the acute psychiatric ward-thing, to which she never replied, and which made me angry because I felt that I shouldn't apologize for it to begin with as I just wanted no contact because I was hurting)

- Should I perhaps answer as maturely as possible, saying something along the lines of "It's unfortunate that you are taking this so badly. I wish you a nice weekend"?

- Is there a misunderstanding in place here, where she might think that I retracted my offer of friendlier terms at the office and then lashed out by saying I show "a lack of respect", while I was just referring to the meetup? (I think my text is clear on that point?)

- Is this girl simply "crazy", or is her response warranted?

 

Again, I really do want to be nice with this girl as I really like her, but I do not want to become her close friend while she is still dating him, and I felt that my only option was to make that clear by saying that I felt that meeting up would show a lack of respect towards her new relationship.

Opinions on what I should do?

 

Stay NC the last text doesnt need a response so dont respond. You are only hurting your self. Try not to think too much into it (easier said than done). Keep your head up and keep moving forward

[Sam1986]

Considering now to answer something along the lines of:

 

"I'm a bit unsure of what's going on now. I thought you wanted a friendlier environment at work, which is what we are trying to do now? You are in a relationship now that you need to take care of, and then it's not fair to him that we are meeting up like this, even if just for coffee."

 

Does anyone think that she is just seeking attention from me by lashing out against the very thing I am offering her (a friendlier atmosphere), and that I should refrain from answering at all?

[Sam1986]

Stay NC the last text doesnt need a response so dont respond. You are only hurting your self. Try not to think too much into it (easier said than done). Keep your head up and keep moving forward

 

Thanks. Yeah it's very hard to think less into it, seeing as she is lashing out against me ignoring her, which is the very thing I am offering that we should fix at work. I am trying as hard as I can to stay mature here, but her response just seems so irrational (lashing out against the thing she wants) that I find it hard to let it slide.

 

Why do you think her last text doesn't need a response if I may ask?

Edited November 9, 2014 by Sam1986

[lemonsugar]

Where is there a question in the below you need to answer

All right then. I guess we will see each other at work the next week, either we want to or not. But nice to hear that you are doing fine. But when it comes to lack of respect, in my opinion I think its more a lack of respect to ignore others in the same room as yourself

I cannot see one personally. Honestly what is there to respond to?

[Sam1986]

Where is there a question in the below you need to answer

All right then. I guess we will see each other at work the next week, either we want to or not. But nice to hear that you are doing fine. But when it comes to lack of respect, in my opinion I think its more a lack of respect to ignore others in the same room as yourself

I cannot see one personally. Honestly what is there to respond to?

 

I guess you have a point there, just wondering why she lashes out like this as it seems really irrational to turn down my offer of friendlier terms if the lack of such is the very thing that she is having a problem with in the first place.

[lemonsugar]

Because she is also hurting and is lashing out to get some amount of attention. Honestly best to try keep as little contact and move forward

[Sam1986]

Because she is also hurting and is lashing out to get some amount of attention. Honestly best to try keep as little contact and move forward

 

Thank you so much for your valuable input on this, as I really cannot make sense of her behaviour on my own at times. The third-person perspective really helps in order to avoid losing the mature and neutral (even if somewhat friendlier) approach that I try to take towards her. I cannot guarantee that I won't text the response I outlined earlier later tonight, but I'll definitely try to keep my head cool and avoid doing it.

 

On the bright side, if I am correct in assessing that she is in fact being irrational right now for the simple sake of attention, then it does at least give me some satisfaction of being the mature one. While I do to some extent want her back again in my life (although on completely different terms than the nonsense she put me through before), she is sure knocking herself further down from the pedestal by acting this way.

Edited November 9, 2014 by Sam1986

[lemonsugar]

Leave it 24 hours and see if you really feel the need to text then. That is the litmus test of do you really need to say anything to them

[Sam1986]

Will do. Thanks!

[lemonsugar]

Im going through the same. Was pretty ill thursday would love to text the ex and say and get a response. But its not worth it

[Sam1986]

If it's relevant, I do suspect that she has been a bit jealous as of lately. There is this pretty girl at work, and we get along great and joke a lot. At first I was being overly nice to her I guess in order to make my ex a bit jealous, but I have started to refrain from that the last week as I genuinely want to become a better person which includes stopping such games. Nevertheless, right before we went from work last Friday (me and my ex), this girl popped by my office just to wish me a nice weekend, which my ex must have picked up since she was sitting in her office 6 feet away. Nevertheless, once me and this new girl started being openly friendly and joking around the office, I do suspect that my ex started to crave my attention a bit more as well, since she was laughing at my jokes during lunch again (something she did before we started dating when she was into me), as well as initiating more conversations with me.

 

Might not mean anything, but on the other hand it might. Either way, I have grown so much over the last weeks now that I begin to genuinely want to stop playing games and just try to become a better person, which ultimately might mean letting my ex go completely (even if I'm not fully there yet).

[lemonsugar]

Walk away from the situation if you can. Just think she doesnt want you in her life why do you want to be there? This is what I keep telling myself about my ex he doesnt want me so im outter there!

[Sam1986]

Wow, this evening ended more differently than I had thought.

 

I did a mistake earlier tonight by typing the text I considered writing to her on my phone (it only said that I was confused to her last text lashing out against me ignoring her at work, which is the very thing I am offering that we change now. I also repeated that a coffee meetup is a bad idea since she needs to focus on her own relationship now, and its not fair towards him if we meet up like that). I felt a little bad for that on the way home, as I didn't want that text to be sent and I wanted to just ignore her venting. Nevertheless, no big harm done I guess as my text was written in a mature and polite tone, without touching upon the topic of our previous dating relationship.

 

Then I got home, and I met this really cute girl that lives across the hall and which I have been chatting with occasionally (she is really nice and we get along well). We chatted a bit like usual, and guess what: She asked if I wanted to come with her to church on Tuesday evening! Wow! Did not see that one coming! Major ego boost, and a big plus that I think she's cute as well!

 

While things have definitely been improving for me the last two weeks (I have retrieved a sense of self-esteem and self-worth, as well as growing both personally and spiritually by forcing myself to go out and seek both new experiences and people), this evening just got that much better. Definitely helps in getting over my ex!

[Sam1986]

New update again:

 

She just entered my office 5 minutes ago, saying that there had apparently been a misunderstanding in the texts as she thought that I did not want to have friendlier relations at the office either. She then continued to say that things had reportedly been tense at university as well (her new boyfriend studies at the same place that I do and has been a victim of my NC), and apparently he was feeling the tensions as well and had wanted to get on friendlier terms with me also. According to her.

 

At first I didnt comment upon that last bit, but simply replied that I was very disappointed in her last text. When she left the office however, I needed to gather my thoughts for a bit as I clearly did not feel satisfied after that brief talk. Obviously, she wishing better relations both for herself and him as well in regards to me was just too over the top, so I went over to her office and made clear that when I offered her friendlier terms at the office, that did not include speaking about our private lives, and that I do not owe either of them anything and that how I choose to relate to them outside office hours is my business alone. I asked her if she understood that message, and she seemed kind of baffled, but I repeated myself and asked if I had made myself clear. Left her office right after, and while my hard stance made me feel somewhat better, I certainly did not like the first talk that we just had. It certainly looks right now like I made a big mistake in offering her friendlier terms to begin with, as she seems to try to take advantage of the situation in ways that I'm not comfortable with and had dragging me into topics I'm not comfortable in discussing in the first place. Also asking me to treat him nicer is just so ridiculous that I simply not have words for this arrogance.

 

While I did tell her that friendlier terms at the office are dependent on the terms that I wrote above, I am now seriously considering full-on NC again as her arrogance really gets to me. Also considering to text her one time to say that my offer of friendlier terms is off after she gave me her ridiculous request. At least it would make things more clear to her than simply flip-flopping by going NC again after I just offered her friendlier terms on strict conditions.

Edited November 10, 2014 by Sam1986

[Chi townD]

 

 

 

 

She:

"All right then. I guess we will see each other at work the next week, either we want to or not. But nice to hear that you are doing fine. But when it comes to lack of respect, in my opinion I think its more a lack of respect to ignore others in the same room as yourself (referring to herself)."

 

 

Question is, why is she saying that last sentence, and what should I do about it?

 

 

Dude, she said that because she wants you in the friend zone. So, she doesn't have to feel guilty about what she did and how she went around doing it. If you two were on good terms, it would ease her guilt.

 

 

I said it before, you don't owe her anything. You are not being disrespectful, you are protecting yourself. Nothing wrong with that.

[Sam1986]

I feel terrible right now, and the whole day has almost been wasted as I cant seem to focus on anything anymore. I feel that I have taken a major step back in my healing..

 

Yesterday I got an advice that I should retract my offer of friendlier terms, without stating my reasons for doing so, so as not to confuse her with my flip-flopping. I did, but now my unconciliatory stance feeds my worst fears that it will instead drive her further into his arms, and that giving no proper reason is flip-flopping by itself.

 

What I want her to really know is that my offer of friendlier terms around the office is just an offer for friendlier terms, and not an opportunity for her to drag me into a friendship that I do not want at the moment, and also not an opportunity to make suggestions of me behaving differently towards her boyfriend. But I also want her to know that in case she really desires a friendship with me, then that is going to have to be a process that will take months (and perhaps in a worst case, years) to fully heal again, and is dependent on her ceasing her outrageous suggestions like me treating her BF nicer.

 

I dont know, I want a friendlier atmosphere I guess because it might allow me to have a shot at getting back together at some point in the future, and I dont want to be so hard that I sever any shot at that in the future. Also, I would to some extent also be willing to have a friendship with her at some point, but that is heavily dependent on her dropping that guy out of the picture and giving me a proper apology, which I suspect is never coming. But on the other hand, I dont want my slow process of healing our relations to be taken advantage of by her making ridiculous claims either. This is most likely an ego-thing, as my ego has really been hurt with her being with that guy without considering my feelings, and I really hate that guy for being my "friend" and then start dating my ex as soon as she became available. Either way, I want my feelings to be recognized at some point and not just ignored anymore.

 

I have no idea what to do right now, and haven't felt this frustrated and desperate in a month. I was close to texting her earlier today but I'll definitely refrain from that until I think more clearly, but right now I just feel that I need to self-medicate or something by drinking this evening. My head is killing me right now, help!

Edited November 11, 2014 by Sam1986

[BC1980]

I feel terrible right now, and the whole day has almost been wasted as I cant seem to focus on anything anymore. I feel that I have taken a major step back in my healing..

 

Yesterday I got an advice that I should retract my offer of friendlier terms, without stating my reasons for doing so, so as not to confuse her with my flip-flopping. I did, but now my unconciliatory stance feeds my worst fears that it will instead drive her further into his arms, and that giving no proper reason is flip-flopping by itself.

 

What I want her to really know is that my offer of friendlier terms around the office is just an offer for friendlier terms, and not an opportunity for her to drag me into a friendship that I do not want at the moment, and also not an opportunity to make suggestions of me behaving differently towards her boyfriend. But I also want her to know that in case she really desires a friendship with me, then that is going to have to be a process that will take months (and perhaps in a worst case, years) to fully heal again, and is dependent on her ceasing her outrageous suggestions like me treating her BF nicer.

 

I dont know, I want a friendlier atmosphere I guess because it might allow me to have a shot at getting back together at some point in the future, and I dont want to be so hard that I sever any shot at that in the future. Also, I would to some extent also be willing to have a friendship with her at some point, but that is heavily dependent on her dropping that guy out of the picture and giving me a proper apology, which I suspect is never coming. But on the other hand, I dont want my slow process of healing our relations to be taken advantage of by her making ridiculous claims either. This is most likely an ego-thing, as my ego has really been hurt with her being with that guy without considering my feelings, and I really hate that guy for being my "friend" and then start dating my ex as soon as she became available. Either way, I want my feelings to be recognized at some point and not just ignored anymore.

 

I have no idea what to do right now, and haven't felt this frustrated and desperate in a month. I was close to texting her earlier today but I'll definitely refrain from that until I think more clearly, but right now I just feel that I need to self-medicate or something by drinking this evening. My head is killing me right now, help!

 

My advice, as a person who works in the same building as my ex, is to never have any conversation with her outside of necessary, work related issues. Understand that her desire to be on friendly terms with you is self-serving. She wants things to be easier for her at work, but she has no idea how that will affect you. She is able to be buddies with you because it doesn't affect her emotionally like it does you. You can certainly be civil with her, but I wouldn't even suggest saying HI to her. Treat her as invisible unless it's absolutely necessary to work, and it's entirely a professional conversation.

 

She's pretty arrogant. I'll give her that. Who in the world would request an ex to be on friendly terms with their new boyfriend? That's pretty ballsy but a good way to alleviate guilt on her part. Trust me when I say that she has no intention of being actual friends with you but merely wants to leave things on good terms to make her day and life easier. It would wound her ego to know you don't agree with her terms.

 

You need to take a hard line on this because it's a slippery slope. Even saying HI in the morning is a path to diminishing your feelings and getting you involved with her. She would probably respect you more if you drew a hard line actually. As it is, you are contemplating bending to what she wants, and she has you feeling guilty for standing up for yourself. Please. No one in their right mind should dump someone, get a new boyfriend, and expect their ex to be on good terms because it will make her day a little easier. She sounds like a child, having a temper tantrum because the breakup isn't going as she wanted it to.

 

You need to tell her or text her that you have no interest in a friendship, and you would appreciate it if she kept any interaction with you strictly professional and only if necessary.

[Sam1986]

The day just became a disaster for me.

 

After I tried to pick myself up from yesterday, I tried to study a couple of hours at the university. Basically at 4 pm, I knew that she would finish her studies and that he would probably go out at that time.. of course in order to meet her. In order for me to avoid the situation I went to the gym before 4pm instead, and I was doing fine until I got up to the breakroom to collect my stuff and study a bit more.

 

When I got up, I found that they were both sitting very close to each other in the sofa, laughing and joking around. I am 99% sure she does this on purpose, because she has absolutely nothing to do up in our breakroom anymore after she finished her master's thesis and even stated to me before that she had been staying away to spare my feelings.. And they both knew I would be present around that time to do some studying, as I'm a schedule-person and had all my stuff laying around.

 

I tried to remain calm, but my head was just racing then. I tried to act like it didn't affect me by staying for a few mins and answering some emails, but right now I'm close to having a nervous breakdown. I'm literally shaking all over, and really don't know how to cope right now. Bought a lot of beer that I'm going to drink tonight, but I really wish I didn't have to see that. Just knowing that it was likely on purpose makes me want to both cry and thrash things with rage.

 

Why the hell does she do this, and how on earth am I supposed to handle this toxic situation now!?

Edited November 12, 2014 by Sam1986