She broke no contact wishing to work out a solution at work, should I reply?

[cdt76]

Yeah, you want to find out how bitter buddy?

[Sam1986]

I have been thinking a lot yesterday over why I might be reacting so negatively to this breakup, and while I took a walk in the evening I found out that it is most likely due to my extreme insecurities with women (I already "knew" this, but I didnt "understand" it before now). So I figured I should do something about it now, and decided that I should contact some exes with whom my insecurities had directly or indirectly hurt our relationship before. Before contacting them, I tried to make sure that I did it for the right reasons, and not as an excuse to get back together. Last night I therefore contacted two exes and I think I did it for the right reasons.

 

I contacted two of them yesterday, one of them who I had lived with two years ago. While I did not really hurt her directly, my anxiety really crushed our relationship indirectly as I either kept her at a distance, and when she started losing interest in me I started to become really unstable. So I told her about this, and she took it really well, congratulating me for my honesty and saying that she had had her own issues at the time which had caused her to pull away from me. She even took most of the blame for our breakup. Wow, that was unexpected. Anyhow, we decided to meet up for a cup of coffee at some point, and I felt really good about having told her after two years.

The other girl however took it less well, as I was really anxious at the time we hooked up last summer studies and due to my last breakup with the girl above. This girl had really been showing a lot of attention to me which I felt I couldn't handle, and I knew at the time that she had also recently lost her father. She did however keep coming strong at me, and finally "assaulted" me head on by kissing me fervently when we were alone at university. I was stupid at the time and entered a superficial affair with her, and while I told her that I could not handle a relationship at that point I shouldn't have slept with her anyway. That was wrong. I knew she also resented me for having dated the current girl later on (which now recently broke up with me), since they were (somewhat distant though) friends. And while I had apologized to her earlier in June, both she and I kind of knew that I mostly apologized in order to date this girl with a clear conscience. So I tried to apologize as much as I could, and make it clear that it was sincere this time and not due to me wanting to hit on another one of her friends, which she suspected I was going to. After a long chat I think she understood what I meant, but it's clear that she still has a lot of anger towards me, which I told her that I understand. Nevertheless, I felt good for having told her.

 

This good feeling then also made me feel more secure in relation to the girl that recently broke up with me, and I felt that I could now somewhat more easily forgive her. I do however feel that no contact should be maintained for a couple more weeks though. Even though I had been kind of harsh to her (which I still think is at least justified on my part), I hope to get in touch with her when I've healed and tell her more about my insecurities as well. I know however that the mere thought of her dating this class"mate" of my currently still sickens me, so I don't think I should do it now though.

 

What still makes me anxious is that I know that I really want this girl, and I hope my hard "no contact"-stance will further ruin my chances with her in the future. Perhaps I should just expect a friendship, and wait until I heal before I contact her in case she is still together with that guy? (If I contacted her now, even if it would improve my chances, I would feel terrible if she kept on dating him)

Edited October 3, 2014 by Sam1986

[ThorntonMelon]

No contact does not hurt your chances with someone in the future.

 

However, she's not interested in a relationship with you, so all your strategizing is kind of irrelevant. You need to completely work on yourself and your issues and only then look forward to something bigger and better.

[Sam1986]

I have no idea how to cope right now. I know that she is going with him to a friday evening beer with the other students from our class, and it really hurts me that she is so open about communicating with him on facebook and doing stuff together and generally being more and more open about whatever relationship they have. I tried my best to get people to join me in doing something else but they all flaked now. I have no idea what to do. I really can't be alone tonight as the thought of them being comfortably together in the open in front of the other students really hurts me, and I don't want to be left without someone distracting my thoughts tonight. I would definitely have gone to the friday evening beer if they weren't there, but I reckon its a horrible idea for me to go there when they are there as well. Right now I'm having a breakdown in the study hall and I know this evening will just get worse and worse.

 

What should I do!?!?

[Chi townD]

Study hall?!?!? I thought you were in University? Any University I've ever been to doesn't have "study hall". Hmmm....I hope there aren't bunnies hopping around here.

 

 

Okay, first and most important, block her on facebook. You're not in NC if you can still see what she's doing day to day.

 

 

Second, go to the computer and punch up things that are happening away from campus this weekend. It's the fall or Autumn. There are festivals happening all over the place. Jump in the car and go. Or jump on the train and go spend the weekend in the next big city around you. Stay at a hostel (they're pretty cheap for a last minute trip somewhere) and just explore! So what if you're by yourself! Meet new people!

 

 

Get away from that Campus this weekend!

[dclan]

I have no idea how to cope right now. I know that she is going with him to a friday evening beer with the other students from our class, and it really hurts me that she is so open about communicating with him on facebook and doing stuff together and generally being more and more open about whatever relationship they have. I tried my best to get people to join me in doing something else but they all flaked now. I have no idea what to do. I really can't be alone tonight as the thought of them being comfortably together in the open in front of the other students really hurts me, and I don't want to be left without someone distracting my thoughts tonight. I would definitely have gone to the friday evening beer if they weren't there, but I reckon its a horrible idea for me to go there when they are there as well. Right now I'm having a breakdown in the study hall and I know this evening will just get worse and worse.

 

What should I do!?!?

 

I honestly think the problem here is that she...doesn't really see your "thing" as a relationship. This is why she probably acts that way, as if she didn't care about hanging out with a new guy infront of you.

 

You were together for like 2 months. That isn't much time to call it a "relationship". Its more close to being casual dating than anything else.

 

Now I see that you both used to be friends. Have you actually tried talking to her about it?

 

If she is a friend indeed, then why wouldn't you just tell her:

 

-"Hey, we are cool, but what you are doing is wrong. You shouldn't just walk around with a new guy infront on me. I do have feelings for you. Be a little bit more considerate, and more mature please."

 

Your situation seems more like a friends with (almost) benefits. So you should solve it the same way you would solve things between friends. By talking.

[Zahara]

Right now I'm having a breakdown in the study hall and I know this evening will just get worse and worse.

 

What should I do!?!?

 

I finally decided to try this Groupon thing and there's so much of things to do with great bargains! Grab a friend. Or go by yourself. Get in your car, or catch a train or bus. Go into the city. Do some activities. Visit the museums. Go to the parks. Check out local events. Stay the weekend if you can. You need to change your surroundings and find a way to distract yourself.

 

Don't sit in the corner like a fearful child. Get up and go about your life.

[Sam1986]

Starting to use this forum as a sort of diary to keep my head more focused on what's happening. Feel free to reply though. :subdued:

 

A ton of things happened the last couple of days. Stupid as I was, I texted her on Friday after I got a recommendation to text her about politely asking if she could be less open with her new relationship as I had feelings for her. I got the strangest reply back, where she said that she had recently been to the acute psychiatric ward due to a breakdown over uncertainties over when I will be starting at her new job (apparently she really dreads the day), but that she would try to keep it less open.

As I replied later that night, it unleashed a hailstorm on my part of anger and things I had wanted to say since she broke the news to me, since I did not understand why she would even tell me about her acute psychiatric illness when it was her choice to risk our friendship to begin with. Even though it might have been inconsiderate of me, I told her that I think her new relationship was really hurtful, especially since she hooked up with him so fast after our breakup. I also told her that I believed her mentioning of the acute psychiatric thing was done out of ulterior motives on her part, as a way to legitimize her relationship with this new guy and blaming me for the distress that has been caused. I also mentioned that I thought I felt that she had betrayed my confidence in her (I have told her about really intimate things that she knew I needed to trust her in before telling her) by how she had handled the situation post-breakup. I didn't receive any reply that night, but regretted it all night.

 

The next morning I sent her a new text, stating that I was sorry about having let my feelings get the best of me and that my response was immature, that I didn't intend to hurt her by her having to end up at the acute psychiatric ward, and that I looked forward to a professional relationship with her.

She later replied that she did not regret our dating, but the drama it had caused, and that she now had received a note from the doctor in order to take a couple of weeks off from work (I begin working tomorrow), and that she hoped we would do better in the coming weeks.

While I did appreciate her reply, I was kind of annoyed that she still had not even vaguely apologized for any of the things she did, and that she had somehow now shifted the "blame" for the post-breakup over to me due to the episode at the acute psychiatric ward that she told me about. So I replied back again that I had myself had some serious tough two weeks, with several breakdowns at university (this is true, I had 3 major ones so far, and a couple of minor ones, some of them happening in the open), especially when her new boyfriend walks into the room full of joy and confidence at my expense. So I told her more about my problems with my anxiety and fear of girls dumping me out of the blue and over someone else, and that I hoped she would understand why I cut her off from my life at this point as I cannot risk getting a major depression now (I have had depressions under similar circumstances before, lasting up to a year). I told her that it wasn't my intention. I told her that seeing them together would just make it worse for me, but that I hoped she would get better and that I love her as a friend. I also said that I didn't intend to put her in a position where she had to choose between me and him, and that I had already made my choice to have no contact with her apart from work-related stuff, and that I needed this time until I could handle the situation. I also wrote that I am trying to work on myself and get some major positive changes done in my life right now, and that I hoped to tell her about it some day.

She didn't reply.

 

Having given the situation a lot of thought this morning, I am starting to believe that she had actually decided to leave me for this guy before our breakup. It all fits so well: Her quick flirting with him within a week, the rapid escalation of their dating, her refusal to give me some sort of apology and instead try to shift the blame (even if just implicitly) over on me and never commenting upon the bad feelings that I have had while she herself has no problem loading her psychiatric problems onto me. Coming to think of it, I remember them having good contact also when we two were in the early dating stages, as they would stand next to each other on group photos and her coming out to comfort me at a party (I was slightly upset one evening for school-related stuff) only first when he had arrived and was standing outside with me talking in the backyard.

I hate myself both now for feeling a bit guilty over any psychiatric problems that I might have caused to her, but also since she might possibly be abusing my feelings towards her in order to shift the blame on me and legitimize her dating. I feel that my choice to go no contact should be my choice alone, and if she did indeed leave me for him and then plays a game at this point to shift the blame, then it just proves how bad of a person that she is. Or, what a bad person that I am.. My head is really messing around with me today.

Edited October 5, 2014 by Sam1986

[Haerts]

I have to admit that I didn't read every single thing in this thread, but I read almost everything, and what I can see here is that you're wanting someone who DOESN'T WANT YOU (caps, bold, underlined and italic, get it now?). You need to understand that you need to move on. Can't you see that she's already dating someone else and not you? Who cares how long it took her to find or start dating that other guy? What matters here is that she's gone and it's time for you to get over it.

 

It's hard, I know it is. I'm going through a break up now too and even though I'm sure of my decision, there are some tough moments, even though the guy wasn't really good for me. But I know I deserve better, that I just need my time for healing and eventually someone else will appear in my life. That's what you need to put in your head. You have to somehow break the idea that you may get her back. You wont.

 

Really, stop contacting her and like others said, find ways to pass your time without thinking about her - find something to do outside, grab some friends and go, if you don't have friends, go alone, enjoy your own company. Work on yourself and yourself only.

 

And please, for God's sake, STOP apologizing. Seriously, you did nothing wrong, yet every now and then it's like you're always saying sorry and wanting the girl to feel comfortable with everything, when clearly you're not. Why put herself in front of you when she's not worth it at all? I never go along the lines of being selfish, but you sure need to think about yourself more than anything now.

 

I really hope you enforce the NC rule for good, don't reply, don't call, don't text, don't talk, leave her alone and let your heart heal. Eventually you'll be feeling good, be sure of that.

[Sam1986]

That f'ing b'tch..

 

Over the past weeks I have started to recover more and more, and yesterday I felt that I made a personal breakthrough by accepting the situation to an extent that I hadn't before by understanding that there's nothing I can do at this point to change the situation. All well so far, I thought.

 

Today me and her have our first day where we are both present at the office, after she got 2 weeks off by the doctor due to our situation. So we had lunch about half an hour ago, and up until then I handled our new work situation rather well, even though she sits in an office space 15 feet away. Even gave her a friendly nod in the hallway earlier today. Then during lunch, someone asked her if she was coming to the christmas party at work, she replied that she couldn't come, and then added that she was going to the christmas party of our student programme instead. Now this f'ing hurts, because we both know that the only reason she is going to the party (she ended her studies there half a year ago) is to see that f'ing "friend" of mine who is of course going to be present at that party also. Really inconsiderate of her to mention it out loud in front of me, especially since I asked her a couple of weeks ago if she could be more considerate by not openly going with him to common events at which I might be present as well, since I feel shut out and unable to attend such events if they are together there. I even told her that I had to block her from facebook since I cannot and don't want to know anything about their lives at this stage (a request that she agreed to back then), so she should perfectly know that this is uncool behaviour. Or is she really that stupid, believing that I wouldn't care about such a remark about where she's going?

 

Thanks a lot for saying it out in the open instead of just saying that you were busy at that time. I know at that at least when it comes to me, I would never have said anything like that in front of an ex out of consideration. That is, unless I really wanted to make someone jealous.. F'ing b'tch..!

 

My day is now officially ruined, as well as a lot of time that I spent healing by trying to detach from their lives. Thanks again.

[Emilia]

I sympathise. You really need to find another job otherwise this will keep tearing at you.

 

My ex and I have this unsaid pact that we don't talk about other people and generally have given each other a wide berth outside office hours. He started going to a different pub and I don't hang out with the others after work anyway so there is very little social contact. No discussion of private stuff.

 

If it was like your situation, it would hurt or would make one of us angry for the other to take the p***. It would cause a lot of problems.

 

Can you find another job?

[Sam1986]

I sympathise. You really need to find another job otherwise this will keep tearing at you.

 

My ex and I have this unsaid pact that we don't talk about other people and generally have given each other a wide berth outside office hours. He started going to a different pub and I don't hang out with the others after work anyway so there is very little social contact. No discussion of private stuff.

 

If it was like your situation, it would hurt or would make one of us angry for the other to take the p***. It would cause a lot of problems.

 

Can you find another job?

 

I really would if I could, but this job is one of the few possible entries that I can pursue in my academic field, and I really need it at this time of my life. The opportunities are great, and any change of job at this point could surely be regarded as trading down.

 

It really angers me what she is doing, since I really feel that despite a set of angry texts three weeks ago, I have handled the situation professionally by stating that we can only be colleagues from now on. Hell, I even apologized to her for the breakdown she allegedly had four weeks ago, even though I am clearly not the person who should be apologizing for this horrible situation she put us in. And then she does this.. WHY!?

 

Edit: At this point I really feel like telling her in a text how uncool of a move that was, but I guess I will just keep shut and pretend like nothing.. (which I also did during lunch, since she wasn't speaking to me directly, but the guy next to me).

Edited October 21, 2014 by Sam1986

[Emilia]

It really angers me what she is doing, since I really feel that despite a set of angry texts three weeks ago, I have handled the situation professionally by stating that we can only be colleagues from now on. Hell, I even apologized to her for the breakdown she allegedly had four weeks ago, even though I am clearly not the person who should be apologizing for this horrible situation she put us in. And then she does this.. WHY!?

 

Edit: At this point I really feel like telling her in a text how uncool of a move that was, but I guess I will just keep shut and pretend like nothing.. (which I also did during lunch, since she wasn't speaking to me directly, but the guy next to me).

Because some people are ***** (insert your favourite insult here) and don't care.

 

No text, no contact. Mainly because that will just get you more emotional. The more detached you pretend to be, the more you will feel that way.

[Sam1986]

I guess you reply makes sense in some way, but I can't really understand why she would just want to be cruel or insensitive, as she is generally a really kind person to everyone.

 

Could it be that she's mad at me after I said I didn't want to be friends anymore? (She told me when we were dating that she has psychological issues over people not wanting to be friends with her, and has a history of cutting herself if she feels anxious over stuff like that)

 

I guess I'm overanalyzing stuff again, but her behaviour really boggles me. I don't get how she could expect me to be friends after she immediately started making out with another guy after our breakup, then kept on seeing him while I clearly wasn't over her (I was stupid and kept preparing and sometimes inviting her for dinner and wine-dates, to which she often took the initiative and where we ended up cuddling at one time even). And then after I said I didn't want to talk to her anymore after she told me she was seeing him, she breaks no contact a week later to me all about her breakdown which resulted in her going to the acute psychiatric ward, asking also if I had the "decency" to tell me when we would start working together so that she could prepare for our work situation.. Yes, "decency" is the word she used.

 

The only answers I have to our situation is that she is:

A. Mad at me for not wanting to be friends with her or talk to her.

B. Seeking attention.

C. Not caring.

 

I really hope I can stop trying to analyze the situation all the time, but she certainly makes it difficult for me to have a professional relationship and otherwise no contact..

Edited October 21, 2014 by Sam1986

[BC1980]

If you are going to work with her, you need to be unemotional about it, at least on the outside. You might end up saying something at a point and end up in human resources or fired. You've got to be careful. If there is any way possible, you need to find a new job. Your emotional health is also at stake here because you will never move on. You will have a constant reminder everyday.

 

I would also stop texting her because you are leaving a paper trail of interactions with her that she could turn over to human resources at some point. If you verbally assaulted her in a text, she could keep that and say you are harassing her. You've got to utterly ignore her at work unless it's unavoidable and no small talk. No personal talk under any circumstances. Only business.

[BC1980]

I guess you reply makes sense in some way, but I can't really understand why she would just want to be cruel or insensitive, as she is generally a really kind person to everyone.

 

Could it be that she's mad at me after I said I didn't want to be friends anymore? (She told me when we were dating that she has psychological issues over people not wanting to be friends with her, and has a history of cutting herself if she feels anxious over stuff like that)

 

I guess I'm overanalyzing stuff again, but her behaviour really boggles me. I don't get how she could expect me to be friends after she immediately started making out with another guy after our breakup, then kept on seeing him while I clearly wasn't over her (I was stupid and kept preparing and sometimes inviting her for dinner and wine-dates, to which she often took the initiative and where we ended up cuddling at one time even). And then after I said I didn't want to talk to her anymore after she told me she was seeing him, she breaks no contact a week later to me all about her breakdown which resulted in her going to the acute psychiatric ward, asking also if I had the "decency" to tell me when we would start working together so that she could prepare for our work situation.. Yes, "decency" is the word she used.

 

The only answers I have to our situation is that she is:

A. Mad at me for not wanting to be friends with her or talk to her.

B. Seeking attention.

C. Not caring.

 

I really hope I can stop trying to analyze the situation all the time, but she certainly makes it difficult for me to have a professional relationship and otherwise no contact..

 

Dumpers usually want to be friends because it makes them feel less like an @ss. They think that if you agree to friendship, you must not be that hurt. She only sees it from her perspective.

[Sam1986]

Dumpers usually want to be friends because it makes them feel less like an @ss. They think that if you agree to friendship, you must not be that hurt. She only sees it from her perspective.

 

I can understand that behaviour (to some extent) during our "friendship" phase (apart from her holding hands with me, and going with this guy to common events even though it upset me, and then asking us both to walk her home, which was really awkward and in my opinion cruel of her since she knew I was upset with her when she brought him along).

 

What I don't understand is her behaviour afterwards, as I made perfectly clear to her that I have feelings for her that are very strong at the moment, and that I cannot be friends with her at this time anymore and need to get a lot of space and time for myself. After this, she hasn't even once said that she was sorry for the situation, other than being "sorry for having dated me in the first place", then telling me about her psychiatric episode and asking me to have "decency" in telling me when I would start working, and now talking about her going to the christmas party with the other students right while I'm sitting there. Oh, and she of course also told her boss about us not being friends anymore on top of that. I clearly feel like the only one taking any responsibility at this point, and that she simply does these things out of some sort of spite..

 

I am trying to act mature here, but it's really hard at the moment.. I feel that she doesn't allow me to feel hurt at this point, considering the way she has repeatedly ignored commenting upon my grievances and breakdowns, yet still texted me all about her own psychiatric episode and how the situation hurt her. This makes me feel really ignored, while she instead makes the whole thing about her even though I was the one who was dumped, led on and made to look like a fool..

Edited October 21, 2014 by Sam1986

[BC1980]

I am trying to act mature here, but it's really hard at the moment.. I feel that she doesn't allow me to feel hurt at this point, considering the way she has repeatedly ignored commenting upon my grievances and breakdowns, yet still texted me all about her own psychiatric episode and how the situation hurt her. This makes me feel really ignored, while she instead makes the whole thing about her even though I was the one who was dumped, led on and made to look like a fool..

 

Here's the thing. She has no power over how much responsibility you take, and she can't decided if you are allowed to feel hurt. This is not a joint effort to grieve. The big problem is that you work together because it keeps you in constant contact with her. You aren't able to get the time apart to grieve and come to terms separately. I mean, it's really hard to work with an ex right after a breakup. I would not wish that on anyone because you never really get a way from it.

 

I actually work with my ex, and I absolutely don't like it. I feel that it makes him relevant to my life when he should never be again. The big differences between our situations is that I haven't talked to my ex in almost a year because he actually worked somewhere else when we broke up. I had the time to come to terms with it and to grieve the ending of the relationship on my own, without him constantly popping up into my life. He only recently returned to the place I work. Also, I don't directly work with him. Case in point, he returned in September, and I haven't even seen him. I'm saying all this to get you to see that if I can't stand working in the same building as my ex, then I can't even imagine how effing awful it is for you.

 

My advice is to treat her as if she no longer exists unless it's absolutely impossible to avoid her for a work related problem. Better advice would be to leave the job ASAP if at all possible. Don't even say "hello" in the morning. Nothing at all.

 

In regards to her taking responsibility, of course she isn't going to take responsibility. My ex did some awful things, and he never even really apologized. It doesn't matter in the end. Just move on from it and take your responsibility. If she doesn't want hers, it's not up to you to make her "see the light."

[Sam1986]

My advice is to treat her as if she no longer exists unless it's absolutely impossible to avoid her for a work related problem. Better advice would be to leave the job ASAP if at all possible. Don't even say "hello" in the morning. Nothing at all.

 

In regards to her taking responsibility, of course she isn't going to take responsibility. My ex did some awful things, and he never even really apologized. It doesn't matter in the end. Just move on from it and take your responsibility. If she doesn't want hers, it's not up to you to make her "see the light."

 

Thank you for your input on this, I really value it.

I have kind of given up on getting any sort of apology of any sort already, which is what I believe was my breakthrough yesterday since I finally realized it. What really upset me today is that I feel that she is kind of kicking me while I'm down now and just trying to stitch myself back together. After all, only half a workday passed before she said that stuff out loud in front of me, which makes me wonder how on earth it all got to this point. Even if she doesn't want to take any responsibility, that's just really unnecessary in my book..

[Chi townD]

Dude, you are over analyzing crap again. Yeah, she said that she's going to the other Christmas party. But, BELIEVE ME, she could have done it in many more hurtful ways. She could have said that she's going to her boyfriends Christmas Party that night. She could be sitting at her desk, knowing you're 15 feet away and talking on her cellphone to this "friend" of yours and you would have to endure hearing her giggling at sh*t he's saying and hear her make plans with him over the weekend and crap like that.

 

 

Believe me, she could be more vengeful if she wanted to be.

[Sam1986]

I'm saying all this to get you to see that if I can't stand working in the same building as my ex, then I can't even imagine how effing awful it is for you.

 

Yeah I can certainly testify to it being awful.. Especially since I made it perfectly and repeatedly clear to her that we are just colleagues right now and that I don't want any information on their dating since I need to heal.. and then she starts doing things like this..

[Sam1986]

Dude, you are over analyzing crap again. Yeah, she said that she's going to the other Christmas party. But, BELIEVE ME, she could have done it in many more hurtful ways. She could have said that she's going to her boyfriends Christmas Party that night. She could be sitting at her desk, knowing you're 15 feet away and talking on her cellphone to this "friend" of yours and you would have to endure hearing her giggling at sh*t he's saying and hear her make plans with him over the weekend and crap like that.

 

 

Believe me, she could be more vengeful if she wanted to be.

 

Just because she could be more vengeful if she wanted to, doesn't mean that it's ok to do it in my opinion though. I was in a similar position like her last year, and I waited 8 months before I starting making moves on the girl I'm currently hurting over, and certainly did my best to cover it up to my last fling as well, even though my last fling was a friend of hers. That's just common decency in my book.

[BC1980]

Thank you for your input on this, I really value it.

I have kind of given up on getting any sort of apology of any sort already, which is what I believe was my breakthrough yesterday since I finally realized it. What really upset me today is that I feel that she is kind of kicking me while I'm down now and just trying to stitch myself back together. After all, only half a workday passed before she said that stuff out loud in front of me, which makes me wonder how on earth it all got to this point. Even if she doesn't want to take any responsibility, that's just really unnecessary in my book..

 

I get it. I felt that my ex coming to where I work was totally unnecessary. I mean, there were so many other options as to where he could work. He actually had a very good job at the hospital he worked at when we broke up. Several large hospitals in the area, and he decides to come back to the one where I work. I have learned that you can't expect people to make the choices you would make. I would have never intentionally tried to work at a place he works. But that has no bearing on how he would act and the choice he would make. That is something I have had to come to terms with. I know he never hurt as much as me, and that makes it worse. I know that working where I work will barely affect him.

 

Anyway, in the end, there is really nothing you can do. She can make her own decisions, and she has that right. My ex has the right to do as he pleases. It's not up to me in the end. I can only control myself. We may think people should act a certain way, but, since we are no longer in a relationship with these people, it's not up to us to chase them down and make them see it our way. I think that's part of your problem. You want her to see if your way and you hold it against her like a debt. You basically have to let it go because there is nothing you can do. You can't control her or what she says/does.

[Sam1986]

Anyway, in the end, there is really nothing you can do. She can make her own decisions, and she has that right. My ex has the right to do as he pleases. It's not up to me in the end. I can only control myself. We may think people should act a certain way, but, since we are no longer in a relationship with these people, it's not up to us to chase them down and make them see it our way. I think that's part of your problem. You want her to see if your way and you hold it against her like a debt. You basically have to let it go because there is nothing you can do. You can't control her or what she says/does.

 

I guess you're right, but if she keeps saying things like these in front of everyone I feel that I sooner or later need to address the issue with her since it would make working there a living hell. Which is something I really don't want to do at this stage, since I already told her numerous times that I don't want any contact or more information about her dating life..

 

I guess that all I can really hope for right now is that this was a one-time slip on her part, and just let it slide this time.

 

Edit: On the bright side, I think she's ending her internship there some time after new year.

Edited October 21, 2014 by Sam1986

[BC1980]

I guess you're right, but if she keeps saying things like these in front of everyone I feel that I sooner or later need to address the issue with her since it would make working there a living hell. Which is something I really don't want to do at this stage, since I already told her numerous times that I don't want any contact or more information about her dating life..

 

I guess that all I can really hope for right now is that this was a one-time slip on her part, and just let it slide this time.

 

Edit: On the bright side, I think she's ending her internship there some time after new year.

 

One thing to consider is that she might not see her comment as particularly upsetting to you. There might be comments in the future that she doesn't see as upsetting. She's coming at it from a different place, and she's not as affected by any of this as you. She's not obligated to be nice to you or avoid hurting your feelings. Of course, it would be decent of her to do so, but there would be no way to ensure it. Do you see what I'm getting at? The crux of your problems stem from not being able to control her actions, words, ect.

 

That's the whole problem with working together. You are not able to remove yourself from her presence, so it becomes unmanageable. You have to basically ignore her. You can't police what she says or does. It's just not possible. I would also be very careful about confronting her because she hasn't done anything wrong where the job is concerned.