Author C00kie Posted October 2, 2014 Author Share Posted October 2, 2014 About the reasons for not being able to contact him, it's none of the above (however I do think you made some good points). I don't really want to give in the details as to why I can't block him. But I'm not talking about my phone, he always communicates via facebook. Why can't I block him? Because we are related in a way that I could never ever block him without other people realising it and that would look very weird to them. I really don't want to expose the nature of my connection to xMM but it all comes down to this. However, I have to consider if the risk of having him unblocked isn't after all greater than blocking him. I have to take in account all possible consequences and the fact that I would be creating suspicions on other people really isn't something I want to do and could delay my healing.And they WOULD notice. But I might not care about this anymore in a few months. I still do now. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 About the reasons for not being able to contact him, it's none of the above (however I do think you made some good points). I don't really want to give in the details as to why I can't block him. But I'm not talking about my phone, he always communicates via facebook. Why can't I block him? Because we are related in a way that I could never ever block him without other people realising it and that would look very weird to them. I really don't want to expose the nature of my connection to xMM but it all comes down to this. However, I have to consider if the risk of having him unblocked isn't after all greater than blocking him. I have to take in account all possible consequences and the fact that I would be creating suspicions on other people really isn't something I want to do and could delay my healing.And they WOULD notice. But I might not care about this anymore in a few months. I still do now. Do one of those posts, cleaning up friends list! Or something like that. That way you can just delete and block him. Change your settings so only you can see your friends list, no one else. Nobody will wonder why he got deleted. Plus, I'm sure there are people who you don't speak to much on fb, so delete them too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HBIC Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 If he uses FB to poke you with a stick to see if you twitch, follow WWIU's advice. If by blocking him and making it obvious "something "happened" between the two of you causes more harm than his pokes, then grow the inner strength to not care about his pokes and ignore them. Being connected to an ex you had an unhealthy relationship with through FB is like ripping off a scab every time it is close to healing. Everyone could use a little FB friends "spring cleaning" from time to time. Remember that life is about life and FB is about marketing (and poking people with a stick for jollies). Link to post Share on other sites
Bootsie Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Do not EVER tell someone to involve children in an affair situation!! They are not adults and do not have the life experience to handle it. No therapist worth their salt would recommend telling a child. Not to mention if you threaten to tell someone's kids you don't know what he may do to protect them. He could hurt her rather than let her tell his kids. What a ridiculous thing to say. Sorry; I meant his adult children. Unfortunately the English language has no single word to describe a person's children (or kids) once they are adults, so sometimes it sounds like one means minors. My own children are all adults but they're still my kids. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Sorry; I meant his adult children. Unfortunately the English language has no single word to describe a person's children (or kids) once they are adults, so sometimes it sounds like one means minors. My own children are all adults but they're still my kids. Still none of their business for the exact reason you said... even when they are adults they are still HIS kids and have a parent child relationship. Also, it is not her right to tell his kids anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 He insists, in spite of me not replying. I know, I should block him, but as I explained it's not so easy for me to do so. Not because I like him, not because I am getting en ego stroke - no. I just wish he'd go away. But blocking him is not a safe bet for now and could result in everyone suspecting something weird. So, another message today: "hi. how are you? send me some news... i don't mean to bother you, but I'd like to hear from you. i like you" Really. I just wish he went away. I almost, almost feel guilty for not replying. Poor him, trying to communicate with me after 8 months not seeing me and barely hearing from me (we would still briefly communicate in the beginning). I almost feel so unpolite for not replying. My heart almost melts. Almost being key word. Because he's still the same. I don't deny that in some wicked way in his heart he may hold a special place for me. But he's still that same selfish careless man who put me through hell. Who adds on facebook multiple women he doesn't even know. Who cheats over and over again. Who's messed up, broken and lacking important values. It's like he wants no consequences for his actions. He strung me along for two years, made me go through hell (I take myself responsible too), and then when it's over, he stays married AND expects everything to be fine with me. That just can't be. He should know that. He should understand that. By now he should have realised that my silence means I am either hurt, or broken, or have moved on, and either way don't want to talk to him, which is only natural after all we went though. So if he cared that much, I'd think he would try to reach me with a completely different approach rather than empty "i miss you" and "i care about you". He would take the next step. And he never will. Thanks. Just venting I guess. I just wish he'd go away. I think I should not reply at all. Because if really was interested in knowing how I am, he'd just get my reply and go away. But no...if I ever write him back, he'll just continue more and more and make me feel obligated to reply more and more. Is this just my head? Yes. I am not replying. I mean, I could just send something like "please respect my wish to stay away" but even that is too much for him. I don't want him to write back, causing me to want to write back with possibly harsh words, and so on, and so on. I just want peace. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Cookie, nobody has to know you blocked him unless you tell them. Nobody scrolls thru others friends list looking to see who they are not friends with. And if someone actually says something about why aren't you and X friends on FB, say "we are, why" they say cause he is not on your list. You say, "well, i did delete a few the other day and maybe deleted him by accident, Ill check and why are you going thru my lists?" Trust me, they will no longer care because they will be back pedaling. Stop looking at his FB to see who he is adding. Your actions do not match your words. Block him unless you enjoy this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 And we are living in different continents now. So he's not trying to get in my pants. I think he wants and misses the emotional connection. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 He insists, in spite of me not replying. I know, I should block him, but as I explained it's not so easy for me to do so. Not because I like him, not because I am getting en ego stroke - no. I just wish he'd go away. But blocking him is not a safe bet for now and could result in everyone suspecting something weird. But you are still reading his messages. You can and should just delete them without reading anything he sends you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 Cookie, nobody has to know you blocked him unless you tell them. Nobody scrolls thru others friends list looking to see who they are not friends with. And if someone actually says something about why aren't you and X friends on FB, say "we are, why" they say cause he is not on your list. You say, "well, i did delete a few the other day and maybe deleted him by accident, Ill check and why are you going thru my lists?" Trust me, they will no longer care because they will be back pedaling. Stop looking at his FB to see who he is adding. Your actions do not match your words. Block him unless you enjoy this. Lol. Very understanding and non judgemental too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 But you are still reading his messages. You can and should just delete them without reading anything he sends you. well, on facebook you can not delete a message without reading it. You have to open it, right? Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Cookie, I have had to block people on FB, I didn't do it for them, I did it for me. I even blocked a good friend of mine because she has frequently posted picts of someone that upsets me. So I told her to preserve our friendship, I was blocking her. She understood and appreciated I didn't try to make her change her page. We are still great friends. Nobody has ever asked me why we are not FB friends. And we are very public with our friendship. Trust me, nobody will know or care that this guy has disappeared from your feed. You are trying to find reasons to maintain the connection. Maybe not consciously, but you are. Block him and you will be able to move on. Hanging on to him is holding you back. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 well, on facebook you can not delete a message without reading it. You have to open it, right? Well, if you click on his name then immediately go the top, gives you an option to delete conversation, you do that without reading what he's written. I will double check this to see if it is possible to delete without reading. Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 Lol. Very understanding and non judgemental too. I actually want to apologise because it was a rude reply from me. But the thing is, I wrote in the beggining of the post that there were good reasons for me not to block him. I am not trying to mantain contact unconsciously. I am very aware of that. But please understand that there are certain circumstances that I don't want to talk about here that make it very hard to block him without being noticed. Maybe in a while, but I probably couldn't do it now. I don't want to risk someone finding out. Ending with him was difficult enough as it was. I didn't need more trouble and confusion and people talking and asking me. Now, I do know you are trying to rule out all the possibilities but it's not that my actions don't match my words. I have been firmly standing by my decision to break up and nothing I do or say goes against it. I've been consistent. I see that he added those women on facebook because, as I explained, I can not block him right now. Sometimes I would check his profile, yes (because we're not robots that simply switch off our urges and feelings, although I do fight it) and sometimes it would just appear in my timeline. These may sound like excuses to you, but they're not. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Another option right now, is to deactivate your facebook for a few weeks or a month. Give yourself some space from it all. Trust me, life goes on and you won't miss fb! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 lol Cookie, no worries about your reply. If you don't want to block, then can you hide his feed? He would still be listed as a friend and could still message you but unless you go to his page you wouldn't see anything from him and this would be completely invisible to everyone else. As far as messaging you, I would tell him one more message and you are going to carpet bomb him. Tell his wife and anyone else that will cause him to suffer. Sometimes you need to be a b1tch to make things happen or in this case stop happening. Be cruel, tell him you are tired of his whining to you when it is obvious that you have moved on and are no longer interested in him. Tell him to show some pride and knock it off. You might need to burn a bridge to keep yourself from going back. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 And we are living in different continents now. So he's not trying to get in my pants. I think he wants and misses the emotional connection. If you give in you'll never move past this. You'll never be able to have another man in your heart. Don't you want that? Block him. Even for just enough time for him to realize it. A month? Try it. No one will notice. Play it off if they do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 Another option right now, is to deactivate your facebook for a few weeks or a month. Give yourself some space from it all. Trust me, life goes on and you won't miss fb! This is a good idea. I have been considering it. I didn't want to give him that power because I do use facebook for other purposes, but I think it's worth considering. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Don't worry about his power. Worry about yours. You taking an action to improve your life is giving you power. Improve your life and power up! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 Don't worry about his power. Worry about yours. You taking an action to improve your life is giving you power. Improve your life and power up! You know...it's this stupid feeling of guilt I get. I feel bad and guilty for not replying. Yet I haven't been replying because I know it's the right thing. Funny because he never seemed to feel much guilty over his actions. And yet I very easily feel like I'm in the wrong. But I know it's my brain or heart playing tricks on me. Always on the insecure side. Link to post Share on other sites
I'mNotYours Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 You know...it's this stupid feeling of guilt I get. I feel bad and guilty for not replying. Yet I haven't been replying because I know it's the right thing. Funny because he never seemed to feel much guilty over his actions. And yet I very easily feel like I'm in the wrong. But I know it's my brain or heart playing tricks on me. Always on the insecure side. I understand you. I had the feeling of guilt too, when my XMM contacted me and I didn't reply (and I did reply after a few days, because I felt guilty). I think if it's REALLY hard for you not to reply and it feels wrong not to, maybe you should reply. Just say something like "thanks for asking, my family is fine, but I don't want you to contact me anymore and I wish you well". That would be a nice goodbye and after that you don't have to reply anymore if he contacts you again, and maybe you won't feel guilty about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 He decided to stay married. He's had it all his way. When he contacts you it's all about him - "I dreamed of you today", "I miss you". He asks a couple of basic questions designed to get a reaction - "How is your family?". He is just trying to get your attention for HIM. None of this shows that he cares about you and your feelings. Why should he have it all and you too? He's a weak, manipulative man who wants everyone around him to be dancing to his tune. If he cared about you, he'd think about the situation you were in, how desperate you must have been to cut off from someone you loved. He'd know it is best for you to move on to someone who is free to be there for you. His texts are not those of a caring man. You and he have split up. He has no right to contact you or have any say in your life any more. He should grow up and accept that. You should not feel guilty for cutting this guy out of your life as he's clearly toxic to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted October 17, 2014 Author Share Posted October 17, 2014 He decided to stay married. He's had it all his way. When he contacts you it's all about him - "I dreamed of you today", "I miss you". He asks a couple of basic questions designed to get a reaction - "How is your family?". He is just trying to get your attention for HIM. None of this shows that he cares about you and your feelings. Why should he have it all and you too? He's a weak, manipulative man who wants everyone around him to be dancing to his tune. If he cared about you, he'd think about the situation you were in, how desperate you must have been to cut off from someone you loved. He'd know it is best for you to move on to someone who is free to be there for you. His texts are not those of a caring man. You and he have split up. He has no right to contact you or have any say in your life any more. He should grow up and accept that. You should not feel guilty for cutting this guy out of your life as he's clearly toxic to you. That's exactly what I think. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Facebook needs an option to block such that only the blocker and blockee knows what has happened. It appearing the same as usual to others. But I'm sure you could block him Cookie and just feign ignorance. "I'm not very good with Facebook, I'll figure out how to use it one day" should do, if anyone notices. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) So, almost one year after breaking up with xMM, he's contacting me more than ever. I haven't been replying at all and I can't block him in that specific address. He used to send me a message every month or so but lately it's been very frequently, weekly or sometimes every other day. He says random stuff as if nothing had happened. He actually once wrote "I hope you understand I never meant to hurt you" and added true feelings don't die overnight. I'm not replying, and he seems to be getting desperate. However, he never even said "I'm sorry". Everything he says is to trick me into writing him back. He's still married, still taking vacancies to paradise islands and playing happy families. May I also add we do not live in the same country. They never go away. But I have moved on. In a way, for someone like me it feels rude not to reply to his message. Ans he probably knows that. In normal circumstances I would never do that to anyone. But what he did to me was far worse and these are not normal circumstances. So we should always stick to our guns. Staying NC. Edited February 1, 2015 by C00kie 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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