Author Lovelysweet2 Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 You make it seem like its all out of your control. You move on by doing it. Stop looking for excuses and do it. So what he is upset, he is a married man after all. Why wouldn't he be upset? Another man in the picture means he is or can be losing his grip or power/control over you thus ending his extra on the side. Does it mean he cares about you a great deal or even at all really? Absolutely not. More importantly, if you want out why does it matter? If he is in love and he is upset because of it does it change that you claim to want out? Would that be enough to keep you engaged knowing you would likely continue to be on the side? It is wishy washy, I do not want out, but realistically I cannot stay his mistress. His wife gave him that gift of reconcilliation under no terms is he to be with me, but who came running back. There are feelings involved. I am in the wrong and need to figure this life of mine out. Link to post Share on other sites
GettingOver Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 It is wishy washy, I do not want out, but realistically I cannot stay his mistress. Lovelysweet, untill you WANT out, like really-really want out, I guess it might not work to walk away. I am not in a position to give an advise, and I do not know how much you love this man, but from what I've seen here and from my own experience - if you are not ready to walk away you will keep coming back even if you try to do it. Rebounding is dangerous, really, because even if you meet someone that you like your feelings to MM may resurface later and you will suffer even more. I coud suggest you to have a break. Not a break-up, but a break. I did that and it is easier. Talk to your MM, tell him that you feel frustrated by the situation and need a PAUSE, maybe a month or so. Do not date and see how you feel. Maybe it will not be that bad without him, if you realize that you really need this man no matter what you can come back. We do not chose who we fall in love with. I never wanted to fall in love with a married foreigner 15 older than me. But I did and I just have to accept it. People are very judgemental from time to time, they just say - move on, you don't need that in your life! But it is very hard when you love a person with all of your heart. Noone wants to be a mistress forever. Try to do small steps to begin with - make a break and see how you feel. Hugs!!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 No one else is expected to look out for your best interest - except for you. Make decisions and take action on decisions that are best for you. Another 4 years could fly by and if you don't change things for yourself - then expect that things will be the same as they are now. Change comes from you. Is change difficult? Yes, usually. Is change worth it? Most definitely! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 You are not obligated to tell him anything you plan to do or not do. His reply will always be for selfish reasons. Consider making decisions all on your own- in YOUR best interest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 It is wishy washy, I do not want out, but realistically I cannot stay his mistress. His wife gave him that gift of reconcilliation under no terms is he to be with me, but who came running back. There are feelings involved. I am in the wrong and need to figure this life of mine out. This looks like you take NO responsibility in it - by the way you participate. When taken men attempt to "come back" to me - by engaging me in conversations - I quickly remind them that they aren't available to me. I don't participate! That is the way to end it! And if THAT doesn't do it - then inform him clearly that you will tell his wife next time he communicates with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 The jealously shows he cares, but the question should be: why does he care? Most MM want to keep the marriage. They want to keep OW, but not to the extent that they will leave the marriage. So I think if he is that type of MM, he will be upset because he wants to keep you to himself. He doesn't want any competition because he can't offer you what a single guy can. He doesn't want you to have other options. He wants you to tolerate his marriage and be faithful and available, with you being driven by the feelings he inspires in you. Another guy in your ear means you will have another influence. When a MM gets jealous it shows he cares- but this doesn't mean has OWs best interests at heart. Its a self centered care- stemming from what he's going to lose, not what the situation must be doing to OW or how she feels. He cares because he wants both BW and OW, and he doesn't want to lose either. But the presence of care, or love , for OW doesn't mean he is going to leave. I think a lot of these MM don't value romantic love/ connection enough to think it is worth leaving their wives over. Many OW think "Did he love me?". It is a valid question, but I think OW should tell themselves "Yes he did love me, but it wasn't the kind of love I need. I need to be with a better person than him". You will grieve the loss, but you'll be OK. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 (edited) The jealously shows he cares, but the question should be: why does he care? Most MM want to keep the marriage. They want to keep OW, but not to the extent that they will leave the marriage. So I think if he is that type of MM, he will be upset because he wants to keep you to himself. He doesn't want any competition because he can't offer you what a single guy can. He doesn't want you to have other options. He wants you to tolerate his marriage and be faithful and available, with you being driven by the feelings he inspires in you. Another guy in your ear means you will have another influence. When a MM gets jealous it shows he cares- but this doesn't mean has OWs best interests at heart. Its a self centered care- stemming from what he's going to lose, not what the situation must be doing to OW or how she feels. He cares because he wants both BW and OW, and he doesn't want to lose either. But the presence of care, or love , for OW doesn't mean he is going to leave. I think a lot of these MM don't value romantic love/ connection enough to think it is worth leaving their wives over. Many OW think "Did he love me?". It is a valid question, but I think OW should tell themselves "Yes he did love me, but it wasn't the kind of love I need. I need to be with a better person than him". You will grieve the loss, but you'll be OK. You nailed it! Yes this is the answer to my question I could not see clearly. I must add, the only connection is the one I am making up in my head. I wrote him a nice note about our other evening. Guess what? Again, no respectful timely reply, no response, the excuses will yawn come later,(he knows I take kindly to those), BUT (as it should be) I bet he is sure immediately and responding timely to his wife. He mentioned they speak every night. He should, but I just can't be on the back burner! It is time for me to shine, find love. This is not it~! Thank you! He is an empty investment. Edited September 30, 2014 by Lovelysweet2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted October 2, 2014 Author Share Posted October 2, 2014 I shot off a series of terrible emails, and texted, was depressed and drank a bit too much. The MM is too high maintenance, nothing about the relationship makes me grow as a person, or adds happiness into my life. I also could not put my finger on it, but also think he was doing more on the side than just me, and think it would be done in a way that was devious and a subconscious way to play me, his games. I am going to block him every way in which is possible. He has marred my life in so many ways, stemming from the beginning. He never suffers any consequences, but this is not anything that is worth it for me. I am hurt, hurting, but in time, things will get better. Thanks. Oh, yes, and of course silence from him, why? My answer is I am not important to him, for him to extend himself emotionally. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Hope you're doing okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 Thank you Minnie. Your caring means so much to me, albeit a stranger. I thought of calling this evening to hash and figure it all out, but it is way different this time, I hate him, despise. I can't. This is good, I suspect. Hurts but good. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 So you said you'd block him. Did you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 Yes I did. I had a small moment of weakness, but it very soon passed over and the hate set in, thankfully. He has not tried to reach out since i sent the spark of emails..I think there was a bit more, not sure. We have been through a large Dday, and he came back, he knew and knows I am not prepared to be a OW, so it was his gamble. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Maybe he did try to conatct you. You blocked him, so you won't know. I know it's hard not to obsess, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 Maybe he did try to conatct you. You blocked him, so you won't know. I know it's hard not to obsess, though. Very sweet, but no, I blocked email, he is brilliant, he could make a new email address if he was desperate to contact. He has not attempted. He is a conflict avoid er, plus I believe I went overboard again. It has been too many years of this...I believe it is dead. I would usually call by now, and I cannot, I won't. Thank you though. I am hurting, but am equally angry. I believe this is good. Link to post Share on other sites
GettingOver Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 I also could not put my finger on it, but also think he was doing more on the side than just me, and think it would be done in a way that was devious and a subconscious way to play me, his games. What makes you think that you were not the only one?... I also suspected my MM... I saw some weird correspondence but refused to believe... I hope your anger remains with you as long as possible. It helps not to contact them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 What makes you think that you were not the only one?... I also suspected my MM... I saw some weird correspondence but refused to believe... I hope your anger remains with you as long as possible. It helps not to contact them. I chose to believe it, and I never spoke in detail of my suspicions with him, partly because I think I had checked out, I do not care about it, I do but not enough to speak clearly about it, but am stubbornly staunch in I will not think twice about putting up with it. Done. Clearly he has problems with boundaries, being a MM in an affair, but I believe his are too far out there to have a true loving relationship. Instead of making me jealous, a need to know, I checked out. I am hurt about the entire situation, but my passion died out. Link to post Share on other sites
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