snappytomcat Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 I am sure he would be jealous if his wife was with another. I have no idea of their dynamics in that manner. These are all his choices. I cannot make him care for me. I cannot choose for him. yes lovelysweet,its all about him and only about him,you and his wife deserve way better I know that for sure,again im sorry for your pain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 MM has always said that he won't stand in my way if I ever find someone else. He won't be leaving his M not because of his W but because of their child with special needs. As I am separated, he believes it will be me who will leave this relationship eventually. So I tried meeting other guys and had some coffee dates. I tell MM about these meet ups and he will try his best to mask his true feelings - yep, he gets upset about them, and he would be distant in the next couple of days. The last time I went out and told him about that, took me a couple of hours to convince him that there was no chemistry, etc and that I still want him. The thing is, I find it hard to see other guys as potential future bf because all I really want is MM, somehow he finds that hard to believe sometimes. I think for LT APs like us OP, sure MM loves us in their own way, but its not going to be anything more than that, we know it and our MMs know it, how much they love us doesn't change the relationship status though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 Are you okay with this? I wrestle with all the excuses why they stay. I care so much for him but am tired of being the band aid that keeps them glued in such a dysfunctional relationship. She took off for New York to go to dental school, 800 miles away, leaving him working hard over 60 hours a week, taking care of the young children. I am his therapist to all this dysfunction, like a second wife, giving advice, comfort, and care. I am a free therapist, what kind of food will be quicker and faster than spaghetti every night for the kids, advice for schooling. But, you are so right, all this and they will continue the farce, the fake happy union, FB pics, the charade will continue. I am his shoulder to land on. I know he cares for me deeply, but it will never be enough, never turn into something I will be comfortable with. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Are you okay with this? I wrestle with all the excuses why they stay. I care so much for him but am tired of being the band aid that keeps them glued in such a dysfunctional relationship. She took off for New York to go to dental school, 800 miles away, leaving him working hard over 60 hours a week, taking care of the young children. I am his therapist to all this dysfunction, like a second wife, giving advice, comfort, and care. I am a free therapist, what kind of food will be quicker and faster than spaghetti every night for the kids, advice for schooling. But, you are so right, all this and they will continue the farce, the fake happy union, FB pics, the charade will continue. I am his shoulder to land on. I know he cares for me deeply, but it will never be enough, never turn into something I will be comfortable with. I don't understand the "poor MM mentality" here. Do you know how many women every day are the ON!y parent while their spouse is deployed overseas for months and months? Women do what this MM is allegedly doing all the time! So what that he has to be the parent while his wife is taking charge if her career! I'm sure she played that role while he was doing that when the kids were little. Additionally, there are fathers all over the world who have custody of their kids. It's called being a parent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
curiousGeorge2 Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 I do think he is selfish. He is making himself happy at the expense of your happiness. While I am a cheater not a saint, I do sometimes encourage my much younger AP to seek other opportunities. When her hubby came into town, I would minimize our contacts even though I was hurt that I was just a plan B or a plan C. I hope she would work out with him eventually if it makes her happy. I guess there is an element of parental love because of the huge age difference. My AP has relocated to another city, and I just wonder if she even wants to see me again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 I don't understand the "poor MM mentality" here. Do you know how many women every day are the ON!y parent while their spouse is deployed overseas for months and months? Women do what this MM is allegedly doing all the time! So what that he has to be the parent while his wife is taking charge if her career! I'm sure she played that role while he was doing that when the kids were little. Additionally, there are fathers all over the world who have custody of their kids. It's called being a parent. The children are little, everyone has there own opinion, but if you decide to have young children at middle age, then leave them 800 miles away while they are still young to go to school, that is not the norm. Link to post Share on other sites
Pinklotus Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 I am not familiar with your whole story. We had a huge Dday, his wife left him, they reconciled and he mended it with me the same week of their reconciliation as in our own reconciliation, weird stuff. A difference is he never blamed me, even through all our turmoil and deconstruction. Now that is truly unbelievable. This guy has it made! He gets caught, and gets to keep both women. Why is it that you want to be with him again? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 Now that is truly unbelievable. This guy has it made! He gets caught, and gets to keep both women. Why is it that you want to be with him again? A good question I do not know the answer to. Link to post Share on other sites
Pinklotus Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 A good question I do not know the answer to. There is your answer. If you don't know why you want to be with him, then you shouldn't be with him. He's a selfish user. Get him out of your life. I don't care how nice or cute or charming he is. Look at the facts, for crying out loud. What would you advise a friend to do in the same situation? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 There is your answer. If you don't know why you want to be with him, then you shouldn't be with him. He's a selfish user. Get him out of your life. I don't care how nice or cute or charming he is. Look at the facts, for crying out loud. What would you advise a friend to do in the same situation? I wish I could say how I feel about him, but I cannot, because my feelings are probably so far removed than what is the real situation. What is the real situation? That is a better question, but cannot have a sound and reasonable answer as long as MM is not forthcoming and honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Pinklotus Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 I wish I could say how I feel about him, but I cannot, because my feelings are probably so far removed than what is the real situation. What is the real situation? That is a better question, but cannot have a sound and reasonable answer as long as MM is not forthcoming and honest. If he's not forthcoming and honest, that's two more reasons to get rid of him. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 The children are little, everyone has there own opinion, but if you decide to have young children at middle age, then leave them 800 miles away while they are still young to go to school, that is not the norm. She didn't abandon them at an orphanage, she left them in the care of their father. Lots of men leave their wives alone with the kids while they go off to further their careers. Why all the sympathy and drama over this guy having to take care of his freaking kids? If you feel so much pain and sympathy for single parents maybe you could volunteer to help out some single mothers, many who have it much worse than your MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 She didn't abandon them at an orphanage, she left them in the care of their father. Lots of men leave their wives alone with the kids while they go off to further their careers. Why all the sympathy and drama over this guy having to take care of his freaking kids? If you feel so much pain and sympathy for single parents maybe you could volunteer to help out some single mothers, many who have it much worse than your MM. There is no sympathy, but I have been adopted into the role of therapist to the situation. It is not at all an easy happy-happy situation. Please refrain from rude passive aggressive smart ass comments of volunteering when you do not know me. I am a single mother. Thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 I do agree MissBee, that jealousy does not equate love, but often possessiveness. MM is not the jealous type or shown envy, possessiveness, is very mature and often is too conservative in expressing his emotions. In saying this, his reaction surprised me. He was quite shaken up with this prospect. So what? Did you notice he didn't offer to divorce his wife? You've wasted 3 years with him - he's NEVER leaving her! And your happy he seems a bit "emotional" that you might date real, available men? Start dating NOW! You might meet a real man that makes you happy! One that can make himself available to you all the time! What are you waiting for? You DONT need your MM approval to get busy living!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 There is no sympathy, but I have been adopted into the role of therapist to the situation. It is not at all an easy happy-happy situation. Please refrain from rude passive aggressive smart ass comments of volunteering when you do not know me. I am a single mother. Thanks. Didn't mean to be rude, but it does sound like your MM has sucked you into believing that his life is hard and long suffering because he doesn't know what to feed his kids besides spaghetti or how to handle school problems. Those are things that all parents have to figure out as they go along. If your MM needs a therapist he should go get himself one. He is selfish and self entitled and it seems that he has you completely believing whatever yarns he is spinning for you. His jealousy isn't a show of love, nor is his relying on you for parenting skills he should already know. He just doesn't care about anyone else but himself. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 Didn't mean to be rude, but it does sound like your MM has sucked you into believing that his life is hard and long suffering because he doesn't know what to feed his kids besides spaghetti or how to handle school problems. Those are things that all parents have to figure out as they go along. If your MM needs a therapist he should go get himself one. He is selfish and self entitled and it seems that he has you completely believing whatever yarns he is spinning for you. His jealousy isn't a show of love, nor is his relying on you for parenting skills he should already know. He just doesn't care about anyone else but himself. Thank you and I apologize if I came across as crass myself. I do not think badly of his BS, I have of course my own opinions on certain topics, raising children of my own. There is much more to it than what I chose to share. I am starting to believe he does not care for anyone, maybe he is missing that chip. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 You've wasted four years. How many more are you willing to waste? Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 The children are little, everyone has there own opinion, but if you decide to have young children at middle age, then leave them 800 miles away while they are still young to go to school, that is not the norm. I guess you feel the same way towards military men and women who get deployed while third partner is pregnant or just after having a baby. Even though they defend their country, they are wrong for going when told to go. That's a shame you feel that way. I wonder if you still have this opinion on divorced parents She didn't abandon them at an orphanage, she left them in the care of their father. Lots of men leave their wives alone with the kids while they go off to further their careers. Why all the sympathy and drama over this guy having to take care of his freaking kids? If you feel so much pain and sympathy for single parents maybe you could volunteer to help out some single mothers, many who have it much worse than your MM. Agree. Fathers are parents too, not babysitters. He has as much of a responsibility to the children as the mother does. He must be okay with their decision since he is still married to her. You should stop being his therapist. How long are you going to stay in the affair? Do you think if you hang around long enough, he will chose to divorce his wife? If so, why do you feel that is a good idea? You said you are a single mother....I hope you haven't allowed your kids to be around him or tell them MM is mommy's boyfriend. MM can't have girlfriends, they have wives. And it's not fair to your kids to get attached to a MM. Wish you the best and hope you made a change in your life to give yourself and your kids the opportunity for a decent single man in your lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 I refuse to compare apples and oranges with you. There are many circumstances to it. far more, and I will not share. I will just respect our differences of opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 You've wasted four years. How many more are you willing to waste? I am not willing. I cannot. I wish I was never in this mess. My choice. I have to figure out a healthy way to move on. Thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Is this a clue he may care much more about me then I know or he leads me to believe? Thanks. It could be. Or it could be his first realization that you could go on to a life without him and you're not going to be the place he can hang his hat forever. Maybe it stung a little and he's questioning if he means as much to you as he thought. Who knows? When I told my AP during one of our breaks when he was trying to work on his marriage that I was going to start dating, he freaked out. He ended up showing up on my doorstep at 10pm in tears saying he never thought that I wouldn't be there and it scared him. It was one of those defining relationship moments that made him realize he was more pushing to going than staying. It isn't that way for everybody. If he's bothered by the notion, did you ask him just exactly what he expects? That you'll be around for him just indefinitely? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 It could be. Or it could be his first realization that you could go on to a life without him and you're not going to be the place he can hang his hat forever. Maybe it stung a little and he's questioning if he means as much to you as he thought. Who knows? When I told my AP during one of our breaks when he was trying to work on his marriage that I was going to start dating, he freaked out. He ended up showing up on my doorstep at 10pm in tears saying he never thought that I wouldn't be there and it scared him. It was one of those defining relationship moments that made him realize he was more pushing to going than staying. It isn't that way for everybody. If he's bothered by the notion, did you ask him just exactly what he expects? That you'll be around for him just indefinitely? A hot redhead, thank you for replying. I am confused. I have known we are close, we are good together, but he has never shown this side to him. He has always been even keeled, very controlled with emotions. He was physically and emotionally displaying he was upset. I usually try to keep a cool head and remain logical, not looking into ridiculous signs into insignificant mannerisms and actions of another. I try to not read into what is not there. He was upset. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 I am not willing. I cannot. I wish I was never in this mess. My choice. I have to figure out a healthy way to move on. Thanks. You make it seem like its all out of your control. You move on by doing it. Stop looking for excuses and do it. So what he is upset, he is a married man after all. Why wouldn't he be upset? Another man in the picture means he is or can be losing his grip or power/control over you thus ending his extra on the side. Does it mean he cares about you a great deal or even at all really? Absolutely not. More importantly, if you want out why does it matter? If he is in love and he is upset because of it does it change that you claim to want out? Would that be enough to keep you engaged knowing you would likely continue to be on the side? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 It could be. Or it could be his first realization that you could go on to a life without him and you're not going to be the place he can hang his hat forever. Maybe it stung a little and he's questioning if he means as much to you as he thought. Who knows? When I told my AP during one of our breaks when he was trying to work on his marriage that I was going to start dating, he freaked out. He ended up showing up on my doorstep at 10pm in tears saying he never thought that I wouldn't be there and it scared him. It was one of those defining relationship moments that made him realize he was more pushing to going than staying. It isn't that way for everybody. If he's bothered by the notion, did you ask him just exactly what he expects? That you'll be around for him just indefinitely? yes this. My XMM was paranoid about me seeing other men too. I learned quickly to not talk about that and even comfort him about it. I wasn't dating though so I was being truthful. Privately, if you really do want to move on then you have to make a decision, and yes, he will expect that he can be hypocritical. True Emotions are not always fair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelysweet2 Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 yes this. My XMM was paranoid about me seeing other men too. I learned quickly to not talk about that and even comfort him about it. I wasn't dating though so I was being truthful. Privately, if you really do want to move on then you have to make a decision, and yes, he will expect that he can be hypocritical. True Emotions are not always fair. Yes, I wish it was easy. I have all these expectations, and am strictly staunch with these, but I am not applying this to our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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