Looking to date other women while married

[MissBee]

The main question is: what does your wife say about you dating other women?

 

Some couples agree on an open marriage where they can do this and set the boundaries and parameters.

 

 

Have you guys discussed this or are you planning to go behind her back, i.e. have an affair?

 

You say you didn't push counseling...maybe you should. Time to talk again about you missing doing stuff with her and not being happy just doing it with groups and see how she feels. Sometimes it is HOW we say something that makes a difference in how the other person hears it and responds. If you love your wife and everything is good otherwise, including sex, I'd really EXHAUST all options to work on it before potentially doing something irreversible like having an affair.

[Michelle ma Belle]

The main question is: what does your wife say about you dating other women?

 

Some couples agree on an open marriage where they can do this and set the boundaries and parameters.

 

 

Have you guys discussed this or are you planning to go behind her back, i.e. have an affair?

 

You say you didn't push counseling...maybe you should. Time to talk again about you missing doing stuff with her and not being happy just doing it with groups and see how she feels. Sometimes it is HOW we say something that makes a difference in how the other person hears it and responds. If you love your wife and everything is good otherwise, including sex, I'd really EXHAUST all options to work on it before potentially doing something irreversible like having an affair.

 

He doesn't want to "push" which says to me he doesn't want to really try to improve things in his marriage.

[stillafool]

He doesn't want to "push" which says to me he doesn't want to really try to improve things in his marriage.

 

I agree. OP wants to complain about his situation, fantazise about other women but is to afraid to actually make a move to do something about it. He may be surprised to find that his wife may not even care if he has other female mates. I think the problem is he is angry that his wife doesn't care enough about him to go to these outings. He is thinking if she realized some other woman was out there enjoying his company she would get jealous and would want to join him. His feelings are hurt that she doesn't feel this way. It is alarming that his wife doesn't want to join him sometimes which also makes me think she may not mind another female out with him afterall. OP, tell her what you want you may be very surprised at the answer.

[Mascara]

A decent person would recognise that they have the following choices -

 

1. Tell your wife what you intend to do

2. Don't do it

3. Divorce

 

There is no fourth choice of "do it and not tell her". That should not be one of your options.

 

Do you know why? Because by not telling her, you are essentially saying "I have choices, but you don't". You are denying her the right to not be married to an unfaithful man. She should be able to make that choice.

 

The home comforts you talk of not wanting to lose.... that might not be your decision if you deny your wife the right to make a decision on whether she wants to be married to you.

[SummerDreams]

I don't understand why men can't understand that people change throughout the years. When I was 20 I could stay up all night partying etc and then go to work. Now I want my 8 hours sleep pr else I get sick. Things change, desires change, needs change. Your wife who used to have a lot of hobbies now wants to be dedicated to your kid and her family. You, on the other hand, don't. This is something you should discuss with her. In my opinion you can't blame her for being loyal and dedicated to the family you have rather than yourself who isn't. Didn't you want a family? Don't you want to spend time with them? I'm not saying you should quit your hobbies, but you obsessing with finding a female company for them shows me you are not a family man. Don't you think your wife should know that?

[truncated]

I wonder what your wife would say she feels she is missing out on from you? Are you just as willing to happily do the things she's interested in?

 

So you want a woman on the side to do activities while you leave your wife at home with your child? How often do you want this companionship? Every day,once a week? Once a month?

 

I've got a thought for you. Why don't you ask your wife to go on outings with you that involve your child too, you know, the way a FATHER would do?

 

Or perhaps you could strike a deal where you get to find a woman who would willingly have an affair with you ( as you didn't say " anything sexual would be off the table, I just want a friend") and she gets to find a man who is filling all the voids in her life and the life of your child that you aren't filling because you're more interested in these outside activitites than anything else. I'm saying that because they're important enough to you to throw your marriage away over.

 

Look, I'm not saying you should never do anything fun outside the home, but rather, you should talk to your wife and find out why she doesn't want to do them. See if you can come to a compromise where you can find activities outside the home that you both enjoy; maybe you could do something like taking a wine tasting course, cooking lessons, getting season tickets for your local theatre or a concert series, volunteer together to help out with different community projects, go antiquing, etc.

 

Surely, there is something you can find to do together hat you both enjoy?

[iiiii]

Wow, OP, this thread makes me feel almost physically ill.

 

I agree with the other posters. You only have three honourable choices.

1. Leave your wife.

2. Put up with your situation.

3. Communicate with your wife to see if she will meet more of your needs - as well as finding out if she has any needs that you may need to work harder to fulfill.

 

The fourth option (set yourself up to have an affair while your wife is at home looking after your child) is dishonourable, plain and simple. And unless your wife is a really terrible person - and from what you say, she actually sounds really kind and accommodating - she doesn't deserve that.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Married life has ebbs and flows, changing interests and needs, and lots of give and take. I get that your wife has less interest in "going out" than she did, but are we examining why?

 

My husband loves going out, he's just go-go-go all the time. Loves it, lives for it. I used to be the same way. Going out every night of the week sounded like (and was) a total blast.

 

Now, it doesn't hit me as fun like it used to. With kids, a business that I run (that takes up well over 60 hours a week of my time, supporting him in his 50-60 hours a week of working by maintaining the house (cooking, cleaning, laundry), ex wife drama, I literally have about maybe an hour of my day that's doesn't belong to something or somebody else. When the end of the day comes, I'm either too tired or just dying for an hour where I can do something I want to do for myself. Go to the gym, go for a run, take some pictures, do some scrapbooking... It's like standing in a really loud room all day and when it's finally quiet, you just want to enjoy quiet.

 

If so much of her day is devoted to something or somebody else, hearing that you want to go out probably just sounds like the last sliver of a packed day now being shuttled away to do something for somebody else.

 

For me, sometimes that's fine, sometimes it's not. Usually the chance of it being fine increases dramatically when my husband gives me that time somewhere else or supports me in helping clear my plate a little. I'm more willing to go on a road trip if he takes the kids for the morning so I can rest, or if he pulls up a box of envelopes and helps me stuff them for my businesses multiple big mailing events. Have you tried giving time to her or helping her instead of inventorying the ways she's let you down over the last few years? Because years of "you're messing up by not doing this" weighs on somebody.

 

If you're serious about pursing an affair, then understand it means you are throwing away your marriage with both hands. It will never, ever be the same. If the goal is that you're doing it to keep from hurting her, you're only saving her from hurt now to inflict a bigger one later. Your life will change and you will be put in the position where you may be opting to hurt yourself, your wife, your child, and the other woman over simply confronting this head on. I promise you, as somebody who's been there and done that, genuinely working on your marriage is easier than compartmentalizing your life so that you can have an affair.

 

After evaluating all of that you still think having an affair is the way to go, you should probably check out the OW/OM forums to see a sliver of what day-to-day life is living in an affair. At least you'll need support, at worse when it goes bad there will be people to help you. There are people who believe the risk is greater than the reward, and if that's you, best to know what you're getting into before actually getting into it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

For me, sometimes that's fine, sometimes it's not. Usually the chance of it being fine increases dramatically when my husband gives me that time somewhere else or supports me in helping clear my plate a little. I'm more willing to go on a road trip if he takes the kids for the morning so I can rest, or if he pulls up a box of envelopes and helps me stuff them for my businesses multiple big mailing events. Have you tried giving time to her or helping her instead of inventorying the ways she's let you down over the last few years? Because years of "you're messing up by not doing this" weighs on somebody.

 

Excellent point.

 

Frankly, I'm tired of hearing and reading about men (at least for the sake of THIS argument anyway) who bellyache about how much their wives and mothers to their their children have changed and no longer seem to have the time or energy or inclination to cater to them like they did early in their relationship YET most of these same men do VERY little (if anything at all) to ease the burden or work in tandem with their partners to help change things for the better.

 

Give me a f*cking break.

 

I mean, who's to say their wives don't want to be more attentive or spontaneous or be more fun but secretly feel just as trapped and frustrated as they do? It's another case of double standards I think. It seems like we almost expect men to complain about marital life and crack jokes about it while wives/mothers cannot without being labeled cruelly. Just doesn't seem fair.

 

Let this be a warning to all men who think they're the only ones who feel like they've been forsaken. You don't have exclusivity on marital abandonment.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Welcome to the marriage forums Adrian19 lol...I see you've met the pitchforks.

 

Look, nothing you're going to say is going to make any difference here...you've opened up the door to infidelity, therefore no matter what point you make, no matter how you feel, how you justify it, what you lack, what you need...NONE OF IT is going to be heard or recognized.

 

People will simply say to "talk to her about it"....sometimes I wonder what in the hell people are thinking when one person is with another person such as yourself for 7 years and the solution is simply going to be resolved to "talking about it"....I can assure you that NOTHING YOU WILL SAY WILL MAKE ANY DAMN DIFFERENCE for very long at least.

 

It's not going to change, it won't improve, she won't get it, she won't listen...the only time she will react is if you're about to step out the door, that's when a fire will light under her to try and save her marriage because that's the one thing she probably does really care about at this point...therefore in a way you will inevitably force her hand at making changes, but it'll feel the same as when you want to have sex and then feel like you are "forcing" her to do it.

 

This is one major reason why marriage is simply a bad deal...you get locked in without any guarantees and when people remember vows they remember the "for better or worse" with an extremely strong emphasis on the last word, which in many a woman's mind justifies anything you are going through as appropriate and everything you desire or need will simply be mocked and swept under the marital rug of obligation.

 

It's really that simple...so in short, YOU ARE SCREWED. This is your life, she's not going to let you cheat or be with another women, your relationship could be as cold as cold can be and she will STILL not let you find happiness with another woman, because you are obligated to your marriage...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT OR NEED, it's about the "family" now that you have an child which is always a great excuse to subject a man to feeling extremely guilty for any kind of "selfish" desire...after all, you are in their eyes officially dead to the world of other women, and however they feel they have "changed" will make no difference, they will not look in the mirror, they will not take you seriously, it will go in one ear and out the other and if you point at them for any reason...justified or not, the finger will immediately get pointed right back at you like a brother and sister fighting, there's no winning the argument and justifying your piece or being right..no matter what you say you will always be wrong for wanting to be with another woman...do you get it now? is it making any sense? it's not logical, it's a rule for most women...it doesn't matter what else is going on.

 

So this will be your life, this is your life, this is marriage. Accept it and be a slave to it, or face the consequences...because whatever else you choose, you can bet it's going to cost you, you just got to decide which part of your body (metaphorically speaking) you want to "sacrifice" to escape the jaws of the tiger...because if you think you're just going to get up and skip right out the door with no problems, you're dreaming.

 

Wait till your wife hears about this, you're going to stir up the hornets nest...your best option is to just leave, you will be the bad guy no matter what you do, you can't justify your feelings to women, they do not account for anything, and they believe you should just deal with your issues and suck it up and "be a man"...that's just how they think, and once they get a whiff of infidelity you're doomed, they won't even listen after that.

[truncated]

Welcome to the marriage forums Adrian19 lol...I see you've met the pitchforks.

 

Look, nothing you're going to say is going to make any difference here...you've opened up the door to infidelity, therefore no matter what point you make, no matter how you feel, how you justify it, what you lack, what you need...NONE OF IT is going to be heard or recognized.

 

People will simply say to "talk to her about it"....sometimes I wonder what in the hell people are thinking when one person is with another person such as yourself for 7 years and the solution is simply going to be resolved to "talking about it"....I can assure you that NOTHING YOU WILL SAY WILL MAKE ANY DAMN DIFFERENCE for very long at least.

 

It's not going to change, it won't improve, she won't get it, she won't listen...the only time she will react is if you're about to step out the door, that's when a fire will light under her to try and save her marriage because that's the one thing she probably does really care about at this point...therefore in a way you will inevitably force her hand at making changes, but it'll feel the same as when you want to have sex and then feel like you are "forcing" her to do it.

 

This is one major reason why marriage is simply a bad deal...you get locked in without any guarantees and when people remember vows they remember the "for better or worse" with an extremely strong emphasis on the last word, which in many a woman's mind justifies anything you are going through as appropriate and everything you desire or need will simply be mocked and swept under the marital rug of obligation.

 

It's really that simple...so in short, YOU ARE SCREWED. This is your life, she's not going to let you cheat or be with another women, your relationship could be as cold as cold can be and she will STILL not let you find happiness with another woman, because you are obligated to your marriage...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT OR NEED, it's about the "family" now that you have an child which is always a great excuse to subject a man to feeling extremely guilty for any kind of "selfish" desire...after all, you are in their eyes officially dead to the world of other women, and however they feel they have "changed" will make no difference, they will not look in the mirror, they will not take you seriously, it will go in one ear and out the other and if you point at them for any reason...justified or not, the finger will immediately get pointed right back at you like a brother and sister fighting, there's no winning the argument and justifying your piece or being right..no matter what you say you will always be wrong for wanting to be with another woman...do you get it now? is it making any sense? it's not logical, it's a rule for most women...it doesn't matter what else is going on.

 

So this will be your life, this is your life, this is marriage. Accept it and be a slave to it, or face the consequences...because whatever else you choose, you can bet it's going to cost you, you just got to decide which part of your body (metaphorically speaking) you want to "sacrifice" to escape the jaws of the tiger...because if you think you're just going to get up and skip right out the door with no problems, you're dreaming.

 

Wait till your wife hears about this, you're going to stir up the hornets nest...your best option is to just leave, you will be the bad guy no matter what you do, you can't justify your feelings to women, they do not account for anything, and they believe you should just deal with your issues and suck it up and "be a man"...that's just how they think, and once they get a whiff of infidelity you're doomed, they won't even listen after that.

Is this intended to be a sarcastic response?

 

If no, the why aren't you asking what HE is doing/not doing to make his marriage as good as it can be. Right now, it sounds like "my way or the highway", and his wife is open for shame and ridicule if she doesn't want to be cheated on.

 

I don't recall one time where he said he spoke to her and asked her what she would like to do with him outside the home without it being something he already liked. I didn't see one place where he said "honey, I am sick of sitting around the house all the time. Why don't we find something we can do together that we both like? Let's see what we can find".

No, it's all whining about how she doesn't do what he wants, how she doesn't like what he wants to do how he doesn't feel he gets enough time doing things away form home, how he wants to be with other women.

 

You feel his wife should be okay with that? That she should welcome the opportunity to have him scr@w around, when even he says they are still having sex?

 

By this logic, he should be A-okay with her having some studly guy come over and give her what she is sore sorely lacking, as, after all, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for he gander. Maybe she misses having a real man to talk to, to actually have a conversation that isn't about how he wants to do outdoor activities with another woman. Maybe she needs some intelligent conversation and isn't getting any from him. Maybe he's just plain boring to be around, but everyone is too polite to say so.

 

More than likley, he's just an average guy, not good/ not bad, same as her and they have gotten into a rut. Since they both got in to it, they both need to get out of it. When you think about it, it could be said he's in just as much of a rut as she is, since he only wants to do the same activities he's always enjoyed and not try new things beyond what he would consider 'interesting".

 

Why can't they each come up with things they both want to do, and the alternate between them. They might just find new things they both enjoy, and that spark could come back.

OP, as someone who's been married 20 years, these cycles can come and go, but if you both work at it and communicate, things can and will improve.

Edited September 26, 2014 by truncated

[SummerDreams]

In my opinion I don't really care about the wife's or the husband's needs all that much. They had all the time in the world to have fun and enjoy life before they became parents. Now that they have a kid they purposely brought in this world they should suck it up, pull their selves together and find a solution for the sake of their kid. I'm not justifying the man or the woman as a gender, rather than the one who seems to care less about their pleasure than about their kid, in other words I'm not cutting any slack to the bad parent, and this person here seems to be the OP and not his wife. We can't turn everything to man - woman war. A bad parent is the one who is always at fault.