Who pays for the first date?

[guest569]

Person who initiates date should pay. Gender and salary or "status" shouldn't enter the equation, as a poor/middle income earner i would be insulted if a guy refused to ever let me pay because he is richer than me.

 

Unfortunately exploitation is a reality and people are paid below the minimum wage (if there is one).

[heartshaped]

Incorrect. Servers and other tip-worthy professions have a lower minimum wage than those in non-tip-worthy professions because they are expected to earn tips. It's as low as $2.13 in some states, a wage from which it is certainly not possible to make a living. They rely on tips to survive. Source: http://www.dol.gov/whd/state/tipped.htm

 

And they do pay tax on tips. Source: Tax Topics - Topic 761 Tips ? Withholding and Reporting

 

It's a crazy system!

 

Sorry OP, off topic, but they are required to earn minimum wage with tips. If the employee does not earn minimum wage after tips the employer is required to make up the difference. But from what I understand, this rarely happens.

[PegNosePete]

Person who initiates date should pay. Gender and salary or "status" shouldn't enter the equation

Right and what percentage of the time does the guy initiate the first date?

 

- Guy always has to ask the girl on the first date

- Whoever asks, pays

 

So basically what you're saying is the guy always pays for the first date.

I'm not saying that's wrong or unfair, I'm just saying, call a spade a spade. All this "ahh the guy doesn't always pay it's whoever does the asking that pays" is a total smokescreen because 99.4% of the time, the guy has to ask.

[Mascara]

I think I've said before, the only time I get irritated about paying is when the man has asked me out and said he wants to go to a certain place. It's rude, because he has no idea if his date can afford that place. And who wants to have a discussion about what they can afford that early? If you can't, you plan accordingly and choose fun but cheap dates.

 

Some examples, different people each one -

 

Second date, he asked if he could take me out to dinner because he knew this great riverside restaurant. It was mid-pricey, but I wasn't a poor student, so when he split the bill I paid but thought it was rude of him to assume. I had planned on sorting out the third date.

 

First date - he insisted he wanted to take me to dinner, I said I preferred just coffee, but he wanted to "take me for dinner". Again, he split the bill. Again I found it rude.

 

Second date - he wanted to go for dinner at the most expensive restaurant I've ever seen, I had no idea until we got there because he didn't tell me where we were going. Hundreds of pounds per head. I sat there not enjoying one mouthful of the meal because I was trying to work out if I could get away with not paying my electricity bill that month. Fortunately he insisted on paying.

 

.... in short, if you ask someone out for anything more than coffee, ensure they are comfortable with splitting - or pay yourself. I have no problem with planning and paying for dates, but I do so within my means.

[guest569]

Right and what percentage of the time does the guy initiate the first date?

 

- Guy always has to ask the girl on the first date

- Whoever asks, pays

 

So basically what you're saying is the guy always pays for the first date.

I'm not saying that's wrong or unfair, I'm just saying, call a spade a spade. All this "ahh the guy doesn't always pay it's whoever does the asking that pays" is a total smokescreen because 99.4% of the time, the guy has to ask.

 

I dont know what the statistics are. There are most certainly times where the woman asks, so she should pay. That is my view.

[SummerDreams]

Oh, they pay. Just not with money.

 

I'm sure there's a word for this....

[BlueIris]

......

All this "ahh the guy doesn't always pay it's whoever does the asking that pays" is a total smokescreen because 99.4% of the time, the guy has to ask.

 

He doesn't have to ask.

[iiiii]

I too think it's usual that the person who does the inviting should expect to do the paying, unless it's clearly stated otherwise before the event.

 

That's true for any situation between friends too - it's just unfortunate for guys that first dates are usually by their invitation.

[Supernatural]

Incorrect. Servers and other tip-worthy professions have a lower minimum wage than those in non-tip-worthy professions because they are expected to earn tips. It's as low as $2.13 in some states, a wage from which it is certainly not possible to make a living. They rely on tips to survive. Source: http://www.dol.gov/whd/state/tipped.htm

 

And they do pay tax on tips. Source: Tax Topics - Topic 761 Tips ? Withholding and Reporting

 

It's a crazy system!

 

I think it's different here in Canada. I used to be a server for a few years. Always made minimum and never payed taxes on tips.

[BlueIris]

OP, this is pretty important and really mucky these days.

 

Every man I’ve known who thinks a woman is beautiful and wonderful, a true prize that completely wows him, wants to impress, charm and take that classically masculine role of treating her. I’ve never seen an exception.

 

Test it. Pick a man’s favorite movie star or model and ask him if he’d want or expect her to pay for a date with him. He’ll say, “well, no” because he highly values her and wants her. Do you want to date someone who doesn’t feel that about you? I don’t.

 

As to the argument that it gets too expensive for men because they’re going on so many dates? Well, then they need to stop going on so many dates and be more selective. They shouldn’t be asking out women they’re not excited about. Or he needs to not get so excited about so many women and pick better. Often women will think a man likes her because he asks her out, but he doesn’t. Maybe he’s on the fence, going on dates to kill time because he’s bored or lonely, rolling the dice that he might get laid, or just wants someone to do some event with… not thinking she’s special or exciting. You see women questioning “mixed signals,” does he really like me, what does he want, we had sex and he disappeared, and so on. If he really likes you, he knows and you know.

 

I did the share and split and all of that for a few years and it was an utter waste of time. It encouraged the ambivalent men and extended things that should have ended or never started.

 

So, OP, don’t “pick up the tab.” Just say thank you. If he REALLY likes you he’ll keep asking you out and won’t care about paying. If he thinks you’re too expensive or doesn’t put the energy into thinking of less expensive things to woo and romance you, he isn’t that interested.

[guest569]

I went on a date with a guy who wasn't interested in seeing me again but he still jumped up and paid the bill no questions asked! I think its rude to ask someone, pick anexpensive place then tell them to cough up.

[jay1983]

OP, this is pretty important and really mucky these days.

 

Every man I’ve known who thinks a woman is beautiful and wonderful, a true prize that completely wows him, wants to impress, charm and take that classically masculine role of treating her. I’ve never seen an exception.

 

Test it. Pick a man’s favorite movie star or model and ask him if he’d want or expect her to pay for a date with him. He’ll say, “well, no” because he highly values her and wants her. Do you want to date someone who doesn’t feel that about you? I don’t.

 

As to the argument that it gets too expensive for men because they’re going on so many dates? Well, then they need to stop going on so many dates and be more selective. They shouldn’t be asking out women they’re not excited about. Or he needs to not get so excited about so many women and pick better. Often women will think a man likes her because he asks her out, but he doesn’t. Maybe he’s on the fence, going on dates to kill time because he’s bored or lonely, rolling the dice that he might get laid, or just wants someone to do some event with… not thinking she’s special or exciting. You see women questioning “mixed signals,” does he really like me, what does he want, we had sex and he disappeared, and so on. If he really likes you, he knows and you know.

 

I did the share and split and all of that for a few years and it was an utter waste of time. It encouraged the ambivalent men and extended things that should have ended or never started.

 

So, OP, don’t “pick up the tab.” Just say thank you. If he REALLY likes you he’ll keep asking you out and won’t care about paying. If he thinks you’re too expensive or doesn’t put the energy into thinking of less expensive things to woo and romance you, he isn’t that interested.

 

Apply this same ideology to yourself and other women. If she really likes the him, she should pay, no? Maybe she should ask him out and court him. This attitude will cause more and more men to stop asking out women.

[BlueIris]

Apply this same ideology to yourself and other women. If she really likes the him, she should pay, no? Maybe she should ask him out and court him. This attitude will cause more and more men to stop asking out women.

 

If I were really crazy about some man, I would. But, you see, I don't look for men and no passive man would or could ever turn me on. The only kind of men I could ever be attracted to already and naturally take the lead. I don't want to be asked out by men who aren't seriously considering me, and I don't want to go out with lots of men, so I think it would be fine if more and more men stopped asking out women. They'll ask you out if they REALLY want to. So it's perfect.

Edited September 24, 2014 by BlueIris

[boilingpoint]

 

So, OP, don’t “pick up the tab.” Just say thank you. If he REALLY likes you he’ll keep asking you out and won’t care about paying. If he thinks you’re too expensive or doesn’t put the energy into thinking of less expensive things to woo and romance you, he isn’t that interested.

 

I'm sorry but this is bull. Dates are about finding out of you like *each other* - it takes 2 to tango. In any case there should NEVER be a problem splitting the bill on drinks/food - even if he asked the girl out. It's called equality.

 

For me if I pay for something and the girl doesn't offer to pay I usually like/respect her less. I say that with complete honesty.

[BlueIris]

I'm sorry but this is bull. Dates are about finding out of you like *each other* - it takes 2 to tango. In any case there should NEVER be a problem splitting the bill on drinks/food - even if he asked the girl out. It's called equality.

 

For me if I pay for something and the girl doesn't offer to pay I usually like/respect her less. I say that with complete honesty.

 

I believe you and it reinforces my point. See how that fits?

 

Bottom line is that people should date people they want to date. If you don't like her not paying, you should date other people.

[boilingpoint]

I believe you and it reinforces my point. See how that fits?

 

Bottom line is that people should date people they want to date. If you don't like her not paying, you should date other people.

 

Huh? No it doesn't fit.

 

Does the guy have to already be head over heels before dating a girl? No...you date people to get to know them. Even if I was already besotted with her, I'd like her to at least offer to pay her half - it'll make me respect her even more, rather than just sit there smiling while I cough up.

Edited September 24, 2014 by boilingpoint

[jay1983]

Miss Iris, would you be okay he took you to subway?

 

Or lets say he wanted to aim toward a cheaper way to have drinks and invited you to his place instead of the bar. Maybe he's getting together with his friends at someones house and invited you.

 

Would that be red flag?

[BlueIris]

Miss Iris, would you be okay he took you to subway?

 

Or lets say he wanted to aim toward a cheaper way to have drinks and invited you to his place instead of the bar. Maybe he's getting together with his friends at someones house and invited you.

 

Would that be red flag?

 

Of course I would go to subway. Wait, not seeing a red flag there- the asking me to his house? He wouldn't and I wouldn't. I wouldn't date a man who did that until we'd agreed to be exclusive. We already talked about that, maybe on the 3rd or 4th date. I don't remember.

 

We went to a flea market and got hot dogs last weekend, then lounged in the pool. He always drives to me. Sure, I'd go to a party with him. One of our best dates was going out for ice cream and strolling and talking.

Edited September 24, 2014 by BlueIris
I was unclear

[CrystalCastles]

I think it's different here in Canada. I used to be a server for a few years. Always made minimum and never payed taxes on tips.

 

Yep, some of my friends worked as servers, never got taxed on tips, and made minimum wage with tips on top. I'm Canadian.

 

I agree and disagree with the responses here. I think that a woman should never expect a guy to pay for her- unless he asks her out to some ridiculously expensive restaurant and she can't afford it, without consulting her. Because that kind of decision is one-sided, who pays for the bill should be one-sided too.

 

I personally don't like to split. I've done it before and it just makes me think of the guy as a friend. That's something I'd do with friends. I prefer to take turns paying, that way I show that I am not in it for his money because I'm contributing too, but its "splitting the bill" that's done in a romantic sense.

 

And for those guys who are saying "well, if the girl never asks out the guy, she never pays then". Well guess what, some girls like to play fair. I ask out my man about as many times as he asks me out. So I end up paying for half the dates. I'd never freeload off anyone because my parents taught me manners, and freeloading off someone, expecting them to pay all the time and never contributing, is looked down upon in my culture and family. You're considered trash if you do that. No self-respectable girl would allow for dating to be that one-sided financially, unless of course she is a tramp and has "goods" to sell. Or she's dating a millionaire and she herself is dirt-poor.

 

Idk what kind of women some of you men have been dating, but maybe your women-pickers are off. I assure you, there are many women who do not freeload off men and behave in such an inexcusable, bad-mannered way.

[BlueIris]

I'd never freeload off anyone because my parents taught me manners, and freeloading off someone, expecting them to pay all the time and never contributing, is looked down upon in my culture and family. You're considered trash if you do that. No self-respectable girl would allow for dating to be that one-sided financially, unless of course she is a tramp and has "goods" to sell.

 

Ouch! Different upbringings and cultures I guess.

My dad also picked up the tab with my mom and my family. They've been married 62 years now, so it couldn't have been all that bad.

[smackie9]

My husband and I have been alternating paying the bill since our first date. Hmmm....it didn't devalue me, nor did it emasulate him. We have been together for over 24 years now. Maybe if some women changed their attitude they might find themselves a husband too lol.

[smackie9]

Ouch! Different upbringings and cultures I guess.

My dad also picked up the tab with my mom and my family. They've been married 62 years now, so it couldn't have been all that bad.

 

 

Dating was a lot different back then. A man's income could support a wife, 4 kids and a mortgage....the wife didn't work. Plus the pill hadn't been invented yet.

[BlueIris]

If I changed my attitude I could get me a husband, and my dad had more money than my mom (he didn’t), and the women in my family are classless tramps “selling goods.” Well, I can support myself, a wife and 4 kids, and so could my mom and so can my daughters. We just don’t date men who niggle over paying for coffee or a hamburger, and we date differently, for our own reasons. We’re unarmed and don’t force any man to date us. OP needn't feel any differently than she does, I just don't advise offering if you don't want to.

 

But to each his own. If you really want the man who wants you to pay too, or disrespects you for not, or you feel as though it means you have greater class to pay, no one is stopping you and many men like it.

[CrystalCastles]

Ouch! Different upbringings and cultures I guess.

My dad also picked up the tab with my mom and my family. They've been married 62 years now, so it couldn't have been all that bad.

 

Sorry.

 

Just a matter of differing opinions. I could never be comfortable allowing my man to pay for everything all the time. Heck, even now, my man has been picking up more tabs than me, and while it feels really nice to be taken care of, I still feel like I want to contribute and pay for something.

 

I'm not one of those bra-burning feminists but I do believe in equality. I want to show a man respect by showing him that I'm not entitled to his hard earned money. I appreciate it when he spends his money on me, and I show my gratitude by thanking him, but I don't expect it. Just like I expect my body to be respected and I don't want to feel like I owe someone sex because they've been paying for my dinners every time.

[BlueIris]

Sorry.

 

Just a matter of differing opinions. I could never be comfortable allowing my man to pay for everything all the time. Heck, even now, my man has been picking up more tabs than me, and while it feels really nice to be taken care of, I still feel like I want to contribute and pay for something.

 

I'm not one of those bra-burning feminists but I do believe in equality. I want to show a man respect by showing him that I'm not entitled to his hard earned money. I appreciate it when he spends his money on me, and I show my gratitude by thanking him, but I don't expect it. Just like I expect my body to be respected and I don't want to feel like I owe someone sex because they've been paying for my dinners every time.

 

Ok. But Crystal, you're gonna love this- my mom was a bra-burning feminist! And I had Gloria Steinem sign a book for my daughters.

I never feel like I owe someone sex. Ew. No one should feel that way- man or woman!