Who pays for the first date?

[jay1983]

I agree that women should step up and ask guys out on dates, it's not the 1950's anymore.

 

But when a woman jumps in there to pay can send the message they are not interested in a second date.

 

True that is a sign that they're not interested, but if they are and also pay their share it really score them some points. this is what I say about women who split the check.

 

"I really like this girl, she's different. She never lets me pay for her, so I know she's not looking to leech off of me. I think this one might be a keeper"

 

If you don't like him that much, please don't see him anymore. You'd be doing him a favor.

[smackie9]

Don't offer to pay if you're going to be mad about it afterward. Seriously! You aren't being fair to the guy because he is going by YOUR actions. If you want to pay why should he be obligated to stop you.

 

Your actions should reflect your intentions. You want him to pay so just let him and stop trying to pretend you're OK with paying. Simple.

 

 

She did it as a test. She was expecting him to step up and insist he pay, thinking that is what a MAN should do. Kind of a chivalry, like opening doors, etc to show her that he values her. Very old skool way of thinking.

[jay1983]

She did it as a test. She was expecting him to step up and insist he pay, thinking that is what a MAN should do. Kind of a chivalry, like opening doors, etc to show her that he values her. Very old skool way of thinking.

 

This isn't 1960. How about not thinking selfishly and considering his POV? How about actually listen to the man has to say and try and impress him?

[Yookie]

She did it as a test. She was expecting him to step up and insist he pay, thinking that is what a MAN should do. Kind of a chivalry, like opening doors, etc to show her that he values her. Very old skool way of thinking.

 

I understand it was her way of testing him. I disagree with her methods. In all relationships and particularly new ones, we should be mindful to say what we mean, and mean what we say. If our actions do not align with our intentions then WE are creating unnecessary conflict and drama.

 

Does she expect this guy to be a mind-reader and just magically know that she's not being sincere about paying but just doing a test???

[smackie9]

I understand it was her way of testing him. I disagree with her methods. In all relationships and particularly new ones, we should be mindful to say what we mean, and mean what we say. If our actions do not align with our intentions then WE are creating unnecessary conflict and drama.

 

Does she expect this guy to be a mind-reader and just magically know that she's not being sincere about paying but just doing a test???

 

That is why I pointed it out. This is an expectation, and feels he should just know, not mind read. It's stupid I know, but so many women are like this.

[Supernatural]

Edited for my response to this scenario. I would leave thinking you're a low-life scam artist lol.

 

My response to her ridiculous response.

 

 

Her: Do you realize that the below minimum-wage waitstaff has to pay out of their salary for people who leave without paying the bill???. If you can't afford it I can pay for us both.

Me: Did you know you're completely incorrect? Waitstaff gets minimum wage, you can't pay someone below minimum wage. That defeats the purpose of MINIMUM WAGE. Did you know servers get tips and don't pay taxes on those? And most servers at a chain restaurant walk with about $120 in tips. Plus their wage.

And at the end of every shift every server puts in 2 dollars to a giant pool to serve against dine and dashers and theft, so the server her/himself doesn't have to pay for something which is out of her control.

All the food you just ate costed virtually nothing to make, yet they hike up the prices to make a profit from the hard working citizen, like yourself, just to make a bank roll. Did you know when you go in to a restaurant their objective is to have you back out of the door in 45 minutes? You're nothing to a business. They use you to gain for themselves and get your return business. They don't care at all about you.

It's okay for a cooperation or businesses to rob us. But heavens forbid we rob them.

 

So, okay... You don't want to live a little and do something you have never done before... That's fine.

 

Let's split the bill.

 

----25 minutes later----

 

Girl logs on to LoveShack and makes thread...

 

*We split bill on first date. Does he like me?*

[Toodaloo]

Guys - being a guy is so much cheaper and so much easier than being a gal...

 

Need new pants? You can get a set of three nice ones for under a tenner... Us gals well we are lucky if we manage to get something that covers half a buttock for the equivalent cost. And we not only have to cover our buttocks but we have bossoms to contend with. Now if we don't want them going south by the time we are 30 we then have to start looking into some serious scaffolding that would work with the latest fashions in Cosmo. Then every month we have to contend with tampons (tampoons as my father once refereed to them as a teenager in the middle of the very busy shop and to be blunt I think he was closer to the mark), sanitary towels, hair products, grips, slides bands, things that look like they should be used to cure piles, boils or other maladies that a young girls has no business knowing about... Hair cut 5 bob for a bloke closer to 50 for a quick trim for a gal... then there is the colour to cover up any grey the stylists all the instruments of torture so it looks full and natural... Natural is covered in grease and un-brushed... Can we get away with that NOOOOOO!

 

Now we have to get ready for the date. Then while you have simply selected a clean pair of pants with no holes, you have just thrown on a shirt and a clean pair of trousers and probably the shoes you wear for work, time to sit down catch up on latest sports results and relax...

 

We have the quandary of spandex pants, mini pants, big pants, french pants, pants that match, pants that don't show and will he think I am a slapper if I show some pantage! Ergo just selecting and putting on pants for this date has cost more in both monetary and time... Should I go with sucky in granny pants (how the hell do I get them off again to pee if I do as its just taken 3/4 hour to get both buttocks in and create that slimline figure - don't breathe or a buttock might just explode from somewhere...). Even if we haven't been shopping that day its a lot more effort. Then you have bra dilemmas... see above as this is getting long but substitute comments for things like mixing bowl and teat popping and strap adjustments... Then you have the sox, bare, tights, hold ups or suspenders quandary... Holy cow the list goes on and on... Meanwhile you have finished your shower and shave, we are still hopping about trying to dry toe nail polish and do the "Veet walk" while brushing our teeth...

 

If you turn up to a first date with out make up - we feel relieved (in general). If we turn up for a first date with no make up you would be wandering how the hell you managed to ask out a lass that looks like Godzilla on a bad day... At least that is what WE are thinking (and we know you will do too so no point saying anything different) so we then have to go through the rigmarole of the trowel and slap. Removing it ten times because it went on uneven or we slipped as we rushed back to the bathroom to remove the veet that we had forgotten about and is now burning our fim fam... or we made a call to a&e for advice on cooling down said fim fam while drying our hair and forgot that we had just put nail varnish on our hands and now a new call to closest friend to help remove hands that are now stuck in hair via "Shimmering satern" or what ever the blinkin' stuff is named because you can be damned sure its not anything as simple as "red" or "blue"... Did I mention all you have to do is have clean hands and neatly trimmed nails? Oh buggar it doesn't look natural so now have to start all over again with a hand glued to my head...

 

Now we have to know should we pay, should we offer to pay, along with meeting some strange bloke that we have probably "met" over the internet and the latest article in the Daily Mail is telling us that we are likely to be found washed up on the shores of Tripoli if we dare to go out with out sowing a GPS tracker into our bras...

 

Seriously dudes! Take some of the damn pressure off and pay for the ruddy coffee! We can't think of everything you know... Now where did I put my handbag with the bitty things that so matches these shoes...

 

Guy logs onto loveshack.org and starts thread "She was five minutes late, should I bother after all I paid for coffee"

 

Happy Mondays all.

[Elias33]

HTF is that the right thing?

 

It's not, it's the "right" thing. Get it?

[acrosstheuniverse]

That article was bullsh*t. So she buys herself some new clothes and gets her nails done, so she doesn't have to pay? Ya...

 

Well I got a rub and tug at "Happy Hour Massage Parlor" before I met her for our first date. I spent $60. I shouldn't have to pay because I got myself in a relaxed state for her...........................

 

A nice trick on every first date... So we don't have to have the dreaded 'who pays?' BS...

 

Me: Have you ever... Dine and dashed?

Her: Haha.. No! I'm too chicken...

Me: Well. I'm not too chicken, I just never have.

Her: Oh?

Me: I know it's wrong... But let's live a little. Whaddya say?!

Her: Mmmm i dunnooo..

Me: You walk out first and I'll sit here for 1 minute. Then I'll meet you outside. It will be exhilarating. Let's be each others first. If we get caught, I'll say it was my idea.

Her: Oh OKAY!

 

She walks out front

 

FADE TO BLACK

 

What!? I can't imagine the kind of quality women who would go for this or be impressed. Yes, let's commit theft on our first date together and risk getting arrested. I would walk out of there instantly, alone, after slapping half of the date's cost down on the table.

[singsparkles]

I met a guy through a friend. I saw him briefly before the first date, but the first date was when we actually talked and got to know each other. Well he turned out to be very shy and actually a bit sheltered but that's perfectly fine with me. I actually thought that was kind of cute.

 

We went to starbucks for our first date, and wow he seemed really nervous but I didn't find that a problem either. This guy sort of held back so I was the first to step up to the cashier. I told her what he and I both wanted, and I gave her my credit card. From my past experiences, the guy has always stepped in and me and him would fight over who gets to pay lol. I thought it would be something similar here, but he just sort of stood back and let me pay. I thought "okay whatever it's fine, he seems super nervous so it's okay" lol. I didn't have a problem paying.

 

We went on a second date to a restaurant, and this time the cashier placed the check right in front of him so he put in his credit card. I said, "Oh no we can split it," and he was like, "Yeah fine. Whatever." So I put in my card too, and we split the bill.

 

I don't have a problem splitting the bill or paying for meals, but is it weird that this guy never offered to pay? I've been on several dates before, and every single time the guy was the first to jump right in and pay. One guy even said to me, "Split the bill? Haha you're crazy!" My most recent ex and I would playfully fight every single time when it came to paying the bill and the cashier would always laugh. This guy is also a few years older than me--28, whereas I'm 23. He's pretty well-established in life compared to me, and he has a great job. In the past, I've only dated guys who were at the most, a few months older than me so I was always on the same page with them.

 

Other than this, the guy seemed nice. Just overly shy though, and so he didn't say much. I'm actually shy myself, but I've never dated a shy guy. He did ask to meet up again, but I'm wondering if his not offering to pay is really a big deal.

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly, this is a hard one. I honestly think it depends on the situation. If you have been talking for a long time before your first date and both of you have made it clear you are both interested in eachother... call me old school, but I just think the guy should pay, whether that sounds sexist or not.

 

If you don't know eachother well and there's not much chemistry going on during the first date, I would just expect to split the bill. As bad as it sounds.

[travelbug1996]

I'm a high quality woman in the sense that men always ask me out and they always pay. Women who end up paying are women who feel less deserving or are trying to prove something to a man.

 

I have never felt a need to ask a man on a first date and surely haven't paid for a man. And never will.

 

These women these days need to get a clue. smh

[d0nnivain]

The person who initiates the date pays / the asker pays.

 

You took charge on the 1st date so it made sense that you paid.

 

As others pointed out, you offered to pay your half on the 2nd date. If you hadn't made that offer he probably would have paid.

 

You have to give the other person a chance & it's not fair to get mad at them for flunking a test they didn't know they were taking.

 

If you otherwise like him on the 3rd date if there is one, either grab the check & pay it saying, I'll get this but you can get the next one. Or, just sit there with your mouth & wallet closed to see if he pays, when given the chance. If he doesn't assume he's cheap & then decide how much that matters to you.

[smackie9]

I'm a high quality woman in the sense that men always ask me out and they always pay. Women who end up paying are women who feel less deserving or are trying to prove something to a man.

 

I have never felt a need to ask a man on a first date and surely haven't paid for a man. And never will.

 

These women these days need to get a clue. smh

 

That is your perspective. I have asked out guys on dates, and it has been a positive experience. Most guys I have talked to find it refreshing and enjoyable. In no way have I ever felt I was devaluing myself or felt I was proving something. In my early 20's I was intimidating to a lot of men, (too expensive looking to date) so I just turned the tables and started asking men out. It was fun and if I was single today, I would have np doing it again.

[sillyanswer]

I told her what he and I both wanted, and I gave her my credit card.

 

Seems like you paid for the first date.

 

That seems to have answered the thread topic.

 

I didn't have a problem paying.

 

Glad to hear it! Otherwise why would you step in and pay? That would be crazy.

 

We went on a second date to a restaurant, and this time the cashier placed the check right in front of him so he put in his credit card. I said, "Oh no we can split it," and he was like, "Yeah fine. Whatever." So I put in my card too, and we split the bill.

 

So you split the bill for the second date.

 

I don't have a problem splitting the bill or paying for meals

 

Good stuff! This is 2014 after all.

 

, but is it weird that this guy never offered to pay?

 

But he did. It's just up there where you wrote "he put in his credit card"

 

What is weird is that you offered to split it when you weren't sincere in your offer. Why would you do that? I suggest that you don't make that sort of offer in future. Either don't offer or do expect to pay.

 

I'm wondering if his not offering to pay is really a big deal.

 

I think that "who pays" is one of the least important things in dating. If it becomes one of the bigger things then that's probably a sign that the dates aren't going well.

[Toodaloo]

The person who initiates the date pays / the asker pays.

 

You took charge on the 1st date so it made sense that you paid.

 

As others pointed out, you offered to pay your half on the 2nd date. If you hadn't made that offer he probably would have paid.

 

You have to give the other person a chance & it's not fair to get mad at them for flunking a test they didn't know they were taking.

 

If you otherwise like him on the 3rd date if there is one, either grab the check & pay it saying, I'll get this but you can get the next one. Or, just sit there with your mouth & wallet closed to see if he pays, when given the chance. If he doesn't assume he's cheap & then decide how much that matters to you.

 

I think I love you... So simple, easy and to the point... I can honestly say that things like this have never been an issue for me. Chap usually does the "first" one then I do next and it gradually goes into a half and half thing... Mind you I haven't dated for a very very long time...

 

I have to confess I am getting a bit fed up with chaps asking if they should pay for a cup of blinking coffee... so tiresome... its coffee and at most a bit of cake... for goodness sake its hardly worth getting your pocket calculator out for is it???

[Emilia]

I'm a high quality woman in the sense that men always ask me out and they always pay. Women who end up paying are women who feel less deserving or are trying to prove something to a man.

 

I have never felt a need to ask a man on a first date and surely haven't paid for a man. And never will.

 

These women these days need to get a clue. smh

It's about social status. The higher it is, the less you have to prove and the more you can do what you like. If you have to prove your value by getting 'paid for' your status is low.

[smackie9]

I think I love you... So simple, easy and to the point... I can honestly say that things like this have never been an issue for me. Chap usually does the "first" one then I do next and it gradually goes into a half and half thing... Mind you I haven't dated for a very very long time...

 

I have to confess I am getting a bit fed up with chaps asking if they should pay for a cup of blinking coffee... so tiresome... its coffee and at most a bit of cake... for goodness sake its hardly worth getting your pocket calculator out for is it???

 

 

 

I never saw a need to go all out on a first date, I prefer going for a couple of beers or lunch. I hated those fancy awkward dinners. I find it a bit over kill to be doing that with someone you are not even sure if you like them or not. I don't understand it either why a guy would even question about paying for a cup of coffee lol....obviously there is a reason why they are still single?

[Joaquin]

Dinner can wait till date 3 or 4.

 

I will offer pay for dinner and if she insists I might suggest she buy the drinks at the bar we head to afterwards.

 

I then pay for the taxi when we head to my place after that.

 

I don't have the head space to be getting all menstrual over who pays for dinner and keeping tabs.

[purplesoccer34]

OP, rather than shame you for feeling entitled, I have some really good advice for you and please take this into consideration.

 

My question. Do you like the guy?

 

If so, why don't you try and impress him? Pay your half of the bill and he will love that. The very few times I've had the privilege of seeing a woman who actually paid her share, I loved it. This is what I said about her.

 

"I really like this girl, she's different. She never lets me pay for her, so I know she's not looking to leech off of me. I think this one might be a keeper"

 

If you don't like him that much, please don't see him anymore. You'd be doing him a favor.

 

This was exactly what I was thinking and so I took the initiative. Also because he sort of just stood there and then later followed my lead, so I was the first one at the cashier.

 

For the second date, the cashier put the check right in front of him so wouldn't it have been weird for him not to put his card in? I offered to split the bill cause I thought it would be a nice thing to do.

[purplesoccer34]

And yeah, he's the one that asked me out both times. We did plan a third date, but I'll just go with the flow next time. I've decided not to think about this too much...All other things considered, I do like him.

[Tayken]

On first date...go Dutch or go home. Imagine if you paid for all your dates, and it never leads to a 2nd

[somedude81]

Didn't we just have this thread?

 

Woman offers to split bill and gets upset when guy is fine with it?

 

My God ladies, just say and do what you actually mean.

 

Don't try to trap the man you are dating.

[jjtr]

This should really not be a complicated thing in dating.

 

On my first date with the girl I've been seeing, the bartender put my second beer on her tab by accident. I offered to pay her for it, she said it was fine. That was the end of the conversation. Next date was dinner, she offered to pay towards it, I told her no, that's fine. Since then, she's bought drinks her and there, I've bought drinks here and there, she's bought ingredients for us to cook, etc.

 

I fail to see why people worry so much about this. I get maybe on the first few dates there is still that unwritten rule, but after that who cares? If you've been on more than a handful of dates it shouldn't be an issue. Neither party should have a problem contributing at that point.

[BlueIris]

OP, Men pay when I go out with them, unless I have said, ahead of time, that I really want to pay for a certain event or activity. My kids in their 20's say it's the same for them. I agree with the article posted- it's about courting and romance. And if it's not about that for the man, I don't want to date him. If I were you, I'd stop offering and just say "thank you" after he pays the bill.

ETA: I used to split and share. Total fail.

[PegNosePete]

Me: Did you know you're completely incorrect? Waitstaff gets minimum wage, you can't pay someone below minimum wage. That defeats the purpose of MINIMUM WAGE. Did you know servers get tips and don't pay taxes on those?

Incorrect. Servers and other tip-worthy professions have a lower minimum wage than those in non-tip-worthy professions because they are expected to earn tips. It's as low as $2.13 in some states, a wage from which it is certainly not possible to make a living. They rely on tips to survive. Source: http://www.dol.gov/whd/state/tipped.htm

 

And they do pay tax on tips. Source: Tax Topics - Topic 761 Tips ? Withholding and Reporting

 

It's a crazy system!

Edited September 24, 2014 by PegNosePete