Sexless Marriage - how / when to leave

[Michelle ma Belle]

Your parents had high conflict. In those cases, it may be better to separate. The OP's marriage is not high conflict.

 

You think it would have been better had your parents separated. Well, you could have ended up with a stepfather who molested you. A stepmother who competed with you and resented that you existed. Living in a much worse financial situation and having to move to worse schools. Many things are worse than parents who actually attempt to put their kids first and stay together for them.

 

I'm sorry for what you've been through, sincerely. I am a survivor myself so I understand your pain. However, to think your experience is somehow the norm in most broken homes isn't fair either.

 

*Hugs*

[lollipopspot]

Thank you, but I'm not talking about myself. I'm just saying that parents separating necessarily brings a host of other issues and people into the picture.

[HermioneG]

I've read this book so I'm quite familiar with it's contents. I've also read many other books on the subject with opinions and "stats" that swung from one extreme to the other. Like everything in life, this subject isn't black and white and it's not difficult to argue convincingly on either side of this issue.

 

Personally, I did my research prior to separating from my husband and the information I managed to collect made me feel better about my decision to end my marriage.

 

I am a product of parents who chose to stick it out for the sake of the children. I grew up in a house where fighting and yelling and crying was common place between my parents on a daily basis. Resentment turned to anger turned to detachment. On the surface, we were the "perfect" family but behind closed doors, it felt very unstable and I lived with constant anxiety and feelings of insecurity about what each day would bring.

 

Despite how much my parents loved me and my brother and tried to shield us, it was painfully obvious to both of us how unhappy our parents were. I couldn't understand why they couldn't love each other.

 

Growing up this way had a profound effect on me personally and how I viewed relationships and marriage which was NOT healthy. It wasn't until I found myself in the same marriage my parents had that I came to the realization that I was about to repeat the same mistakes my parents made and put my kids through what I went through.

 

A ton of soul searching and therapy followed which helped me acknowledge a great many things about my past and how those experiences shaped my present including why I chose to marry the man I did (he was oddly similar to my father). I even confronted my parents and had very candid and heartfelt conversations with them about their marriage and how it impacted me and we managed to find closure with all of it.

 

So yes, they chose to stay together but it didn't come without a price of it's own.

 

I think the bottom line is that regardless if you stay in an unhappy marriage or choose to divorce, the feelings and emotional well being of the children must be considered at all times. If you work hard to create a happy, stable and loving environment with room for open and honest communication regardless if it's in one home or two, it is possible to raise happy and healthy children. Period.

 

Of course it is possible. It is just, statistically speaking, harder. And it's good to know all the potential hurdles along the way, which it sounds like you tried very hard to be aware of and proactive.

 

( but very gently? Your described parental situation is not the kind of "stick it out for the children" marriage advocated by research. That's not a low conflict situation- at all. Surely you see the difference, and as well read as you are, you can understand how that situation is what Lollipop was discussing with the comment you objected to? Yes?)

[Got it]

Your parents had high conflict. In those cases, it may be better to separate. The OP's marriage is not high conflict.

 

You think it would have been better had your parents separated. Well, you could have ended up with a stepfather who molested you. A stepmother who competed with you and resented that you existed. Living in a much worse financial situation and having to move to worse schools. Many things are worse than parents who actually attempt to put their kids first and stay together for them.

 

Jeez way to go to the extreme! She could have ended up molested by a priest as well! Didn't mean it would happen.

 

I too grew up in a similar household with parents "who stayed together for the kids". What a farce and a travesty for the children.

 

If you haven't lived it please don't minimize it. It is a hell hole that we are forced to be apart of until we can leave.

 

Most people start off without the conflict but you stay long enough in a miserable marriage and the steam starts working through the cracks.

 

I have never agreed with my parents on their choice to stay together for the kids and we celebrated when they decided to divorce. They actually are now quite amicable and get togethers are far better now then when they were married.

[Turtles]

Your parents had high conflict. In those cases, it may be better to separate. The OP's marriage is not high conflict.

 

You think it would have been better had your parents separated. Well, you could have ended up with a stepfather who molested you. A stepmother who competed with you and resented that you existed. Living in a much worse financial situation and having to move to worse schools. Many things are worse than parents who actually attempt to put their kids first and stay together for them.

 

You are painting a very black and white picture. First of all, not every step father is a child molester. But secondly, their marriage is not "high conflict" in your book simply because the parents are not actively flinging plates at each other. In reality they likely have a more passive, internal form of conflict (evidenced by OP posting here, as he is conflicted himself!). Soon dad is spending all his waking hours at the office and mom with her lovers (or vice versa) because they hate and resent each other's company or they are just too plain frustrated at a situation they feel like there is no way to improve. Now where does that leave the children? You think they are not going to feel their parents are dying inside a little bit more every day? How is that going to affect their view of life, of fighting for what you believe in? Or are they just going to learn to accept whatever life dishes at you? Just bend your back further until it's broken? I am not saying you need to call it quit because things are a bit rough or you don't feel like you got quite the fairy tale ending you think you deserve. But to make a categorical judgement that all non-violent marriages need to be preserved at all cost is very narrow-minded in my opinion.

[lollipopspot]

Most statistics show that children of divorce fare worse in a number of ways. If parents can't manage to stay together without making a high conflict home, probably the lesser of two evils is to divorce. If the parents can agree to stay together and not make a high conflict home, then research seems to show this would be better for the children in general. There is no end to people who want to divorce minimizing and rationalizing the effect of divorce on children, and ultimately people will do what they want.

 

Regardless, if the OP wants to be a truly hands on father and see his kid every day, it would be better not to create two households. Having your kid half the time is obviously not the same as being there every day.

[truncated]

A "good" divorce can happen, but I really believe that for it to be one, both husband and wife have to go in to it feeling like it's he best option for both, and not because some outside influence ( an affair) is making it seem bad.

 

The stereotypical view of the wicked stepmother notwithstanding, most step parents are likely good people, but in many ways , finding a new partner may feel like more of a risk for the ex-wife, as there's always so many stories, true or not, of step fathers who hurt the children.

 

If I was in that situation, i think I'd be very nervous of ever havng anther long term relationship, for that very reason.