cif Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 He knows I'm not sleeping with other guys because I'm very insecure about my body (I'm really tiny, like 0 waist line). I just feel like relationship talk doesn't make sense right now since it's only been a month and a half and we only see each other once a week. But in still going to ask him OK, I just read your other thread as well. Sex trumps number of dates. It's important to chat about where you guys are because this will drive you nuts otherwise. FWIW, I don't think this is FWB.. just that you haven't been offering enough of a challenge. Demand more. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Yep! All of those. We just end back to his place. Which I didn't mind at first because in thought we were friends with benefits but he cooks for me and wants to see me even if we can't have sex, it just really threw me off It's too soon for relationship talk. The issue isn't about whether you are a couple or not but more so the lack of communication that you both just cannot seem to get on board with -- if you want to talk, it should be about your/his communication needs and if that improves, not only does it help signify that both of you are interested and willing to make the effort, it will also then help you both with progression. Seems like you both function by assuming based on perception. Link to post Share on other sites
Author allboys111 Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 It's too soon for relationship talk. The issue isn't about whether you are a couple or not but more so the lack of communication that you both just cannot seem to get on board with -- if you want to talk, it should be about your/his communication needs and if that improves, not only does it help signify that both of you are interested and willing to make the effort, it will also then help you both with progression. Seems like you both function by assuming based on perception. Can I at least ask him what he wants out of this..? And yeah we're just both assuming things. Communication is a big thing for me right now. It would make me feel secure if he would talk to me at least once a day just to say hi Link to post Share on other sites
Author allboys111 Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 OK, I just read your other thread as well. Sex trumps number of dates. It's important to chat about where you guys are because this will drive you nuts otherwise. FWIW, I don't think this is FWB.. just that you haven't been offering enough of a challenge. Demand more. Already driving me insane. But yes tnx for thinking it's not friends with benefits Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 What are your ages? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Can I at least ask him what he wants out of this..? And yeah we're just both assuming things. Communication is a big thing for me right now. It would make me feel secure if he would talk to me at least once a day just to say hi I wouldn't even ask him that. When you talk to him about your communication needs, his follow through as to how much effort he is willing to put forth and how interested he is in keeping with progression will be an indicator to you. If communication improves, maybe then you ask him what he wants out of it. And stop ending up at his home. It's perfectly fine for you to end a date with him dropping you home. And moving forward, stop always going to his home, having sex and dragging yourself home at night. He can sometimes pick you up and he can drop you off. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 (edited) I disagree Zahara...they're sleeping together...that's a relationship...maybe just a sexual one but still a relationship all the same and the OP is feeling used and unhappy with his lack of interest to talk in between dates so she definitely should talk to him to find out his intentions and expectations with her. If she talks to him and comes across as upset that he doesn't communicate as often as she'd like then that could come off as more demanding than anything to him and he could be like "WTF? You're not my gf..." There are guys that would react that way for sure. A lot of them. I'd kind of react the same way too. She doesn't really have any right to get upset with him and "confront him" about it...they're not a couple...and we don't want to recommend starting their first real talk about something important-off on the wrong foot. Do you see what I mean? She's been doing the right thing not being pushy with him because what kind of relationship they have hasn't been established first. That has to be done before they start talking about the lack of communication they are having. You're basically advising to put the cart before the horse. Edited September 19, 2014 by me85 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 (edited) I disagree Zahara...they're sleeping together...that's a relationship...maybe just a sexual one but still a relationship all the same and the OP is feeling used and unhappy with his lack of interest to talk in between dates so she definitely should talk to him to find out his intentions and expectations with her. Having sex together just means having sex together. Most men can have sex with you and it's just sex. Women tend to believe sex must mean something more. If women want exclusivity and commitment, then get that first before sleeping with a man. Then maybe you won't feel confused, used and unhappy. You don't sleep with a man and then fret about what his intentions are. And there is no point in asking where something is going when you can't even manage what you currently have with simple communication. You're excluding the OP's emotions about the lack of communication. If she talks to him and comes across as upset that he doesn't communicate as often as she'd like then that wouldn't be right because she's not his gf. She doesn't have the right to get upset then I never excluded OP's emotions about the lack of communication. All she has to say is that she would like for them to communicate more as they move forward. Why would you assume that she will come off upset and why would you assume that he may miscontrue. You don't have to be a gf while in the process of two people dating to request for communication. Do you see what I mean? She's been doing the right thing not being pushy with him because what kind of relationship they have hasn't been established first. She's passive, not pushy. You don't have to be in a relationship to require communication. Nine dates is quite sufficient to expect that sort of effort. Edited September 19, 2014 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 How long did you guys go on dates first before getting into a relationship? And you're right. There's no point into this if it's going nowhere. And him being all 'mysterious' is different. It's not fun. I'll just put an end to this and ask him About a month. I really hope you decide to talk to him and find out what sort of relationship you guys are in because I know that's what you mainly what to know. You're asking "What are his intentions? Why is he doing this or that?" the best way to know is by seeing where you stand with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrslovely Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 If your feeling guilty about the sex thing... don't. There's no point, it's done and you can't go back so don't bother fussing over it thinking of yourself as a s***, friends with benefits, hoe or any other of the stupid names people call women nowadays. He will sense the shame and feel it too. It's pointless. On a very personal note, are you compatible sexually? If the answers yes then be glad! A woman can wait months only to get dumped or disappointed after they were physically intimate - one of the benefits of having sex early on. There are pros and cons to everything. Like I said he has his own business. Which requires him to work almost everyday. But he said by next month he will have more free time. These are all excuses. For whatever reason, your no longer the girl he originally liked so he's making excuses not to see you, then he's gonna cut contact. That's what I think. Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 OP will not know if he "doesn't care" or is "just using her for sex" until she speaks with him. Up to this point she hasn't asked for anything other than what he has been giving her. Let's not jump to conclusions. Also, I agree with ME85, they are having sex, she has every right to get an idea of where this is going. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 allboys111- since you mentioned being "too skinny" I'd like to add that body image plays a HUGE role in how we allow men to treat us. Get to the gym or buy some weights and put on some muscle.. lucky. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 A woman can wait months only to get dumped or disappointed after they were physically intimate - one of the benefits of having sex early on. There are pros and cons to everything Very true. It's never a guarantee that waiting will provide you with the results you desire but it at least protects you and puts you in a position of being emotionally and mentally balanced with making the decision to become physically involved with someone versus sleeping with a man with very little to go on and then worrying about the why, when, if, maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
mrslovely Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Well I live with my parents and I don't want him to meet them. And he lives by himself. So it's more convenient. Maybe picking me up was my fault. I have told him a bunch of times that he doesn't have to pick me up because it's easier to just meet wherever. Parking is also hard. And we do go on dates outside Why don't you want your parents meeting him? Are you ashamed of his appearance/race/job? What are his positives as a person? What do you like about him? Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 OP will not know if he "doesn't care" or is "just using her for sex" until she speaks with him. Up to this point she hasn't asked for anything other than what he has been giving her. Let's not jump to conclusions. Also, I agree with ME85, they are having sex, she has every right to get an idea of where this is going. Exactly...9 dates, sex, hanging out, cuddling without sex sometimes...it's time for them to talk about what they are exactly...a couple? FWB? She's gota ask him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mrslovely Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 He knows I'm not sleeping with other guys because I'm very insecure about my body (I'm really tiny, like 0 waist line). But he doesn't know you well enough to trust you. Other women will be able to sense that about you, but men probably won't. Link to post Share on other sites
mrslovely Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Very true. It's never a guarantee that waiting will provide you with the results you desire but it at least protects you and puts you in a position of being emotionally and mentally balanced with making the decision to become physically involved with someone versus sleeping with a man with very little to go on and then worrying about the why, when, if, maybe. I just wanna say.... I'm not spreading a bad message and saying "go out and do it early girls!!" I just wanted to make the OP feel secure with her decision to sleep with this particular man early on in an effort to salvage a potentially blossoming relationship.. It's best to wait 2-3 months until sex with a man. Feelings are more intense and things may not get so confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 A lot of great opportunities are missed by lack of communication and by assuming the worst. I'm sure some will see my glass as half empty rather than half full but I digress. Link to post Share on other sites
Author allboys111 Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 I disagree Zahara...they're sleeping together...that's a relationship...maybe just a sexual one but still a relationship all the same and the OP is feeling used and unhappy with his lack of interest to talk in between dates so she definitely should talk to him to find out his intentions and expectations with her. If she talks to him and comes across as upset that he doesn't communicate as often as she'd like then that could come off as more demanding than anything to him and he could be like "WTF? You're not my gf..." There are guys that would react that way for sure. A lot of them. I'd kind of react the same way too. She doesn't really have any right to get upset with him and "confront him" about it...they're not a couple...and we don't want to recommend starting their first real talk about something important-off on the wrong foot. Do you see what I mean? She's been doing the right thing not being pushy with him because what kind of relationship they have hasn't been established first. That has to be done before they start talking about the lack of communication they are having. You're basically advising to put the cart before the horse. I would have to agree with you more. Although zahara makes a good point. It doesn't makes sense for me to be asking more from him if we're not even in a relationship Link to post Share on other sites
mrslovely Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Now that's effort. I see where you're coming from.. Right now all I need to do is talk to him about it Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I would have to agree with you more. Although zahara makes a good point. It doesn't makes sense for me to be asking more from him if we're not even in a relationship I never suggested that you ask more of him. In fact, I suggested just the opposite. I suggested that you talk to him to see where you stand with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author allboys111 Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 Well, I haven't read anything to suggest he doesn't respect/care/concerned for her. She waited to date 5 to have sex They go out on "real" dates and meetup even when no intimacy is involved She wants to go to his place (why he doesn't drive her home) He contacts to see her steadily every weekend He responds to all her texts within 5 minutes In regards to where their relationship stands, she should feel comfortable speaking to him about where they stand. Then she can make a decision about his intentions. Not ask but communicate You guys are all right. I have the same debate about it in my head. I see a lot of pros and cons. He'd always pay for me and all. And so into me when we're together. But I know he could be lying. But it's hard. I could be over thinking all of this. Because he's different from all the other guys Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 (edited) I never suggested that you ask more of him. In fact, I suggested just the opposite. I suggested that you talk to him to see where you stand with him. That's the thing. Communication is not "more". Quite the contrary. It's the basics when two people are into the dating process. You don't have to know where you stand to expect that level of effort. We will just have to agree to disagree. OP, on another note, you said that between date 3 and 4 he was contacting you everyday because around that time you both discussed the topic of when to have sex. Date 5 - sex. Communication dwindled away. I would pay attention to these things. Busy and his business is no more an excuse. Edited September 19, 2014 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
Author allboys111 Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 That's the thing. Communication is not "more". Quite the contrary. It's the basics when two people are into the dating process. You don't have to know where you stand to expect that level of effort. We will just have to agree to disagree. OP, on another note, you said that between date 3 and 4 he was contacting you everyday because around that time you both discussed the topic of when to have sex. Date 5 - sex. Communication dwindled away. I would pay attention to these things. Busy and his business is no more an excuse. I know. ?. Best thing for me to do right now is just talk to him Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 (edited) That's the thing. Communication is not "more". Quite the contrary. It's the basics when two people are into the dating process. You don't have to know where you stand to expect that level of effort. We will just have to agree to disagree.QUOTE] You've misinterpreted what I've posted. Everyone's definition of dating is not the same. Clearly. I certainly agree to disagree with you. But still have something I'd like to add: So she can confront him about his lack of communication with her but not about their involvement and what it means? HUH? OP, do you or do you not want to know where you stand with this guy?? We shouldn't have to tell anybody the right thing to do, they should just know to do it. Yes, in a perfect world. But because people think and feel differently they have to communicate to one another but the only real communication that matters in this situation is knowing where the OP stands with the guy she likes because that's her ultimate complaint: "Is he or is he not interested in me seriously?Is the reason he doesn't talk to me that much during the week because he only wants to see me/hear from me and only sleep with me on the weekends? I think I really like him a lot but I'm going to start dating other people if this is just a waste of my time, etc, etc" Hmmmm...why would she want to see other people unless she felt like this thing with him wasn't leading anywhere? Asking him ONE simple question will answer ALL of her questions. Or let me rephrase, having a conversation with him about one very important subject matter will cover and explain all other subject matters as well. Edited September 19, 2014 by me85 Link to post Share on other sites
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