Letting her know where I stand on fifth date: Good idea or not?

[mightycpa]

Dating exclusively doesn't mean marriage or serious relationship. It means committing to actually getting to know this person ONE ON ONE without the distraction of other dates and love interests.

 

jjtr, looks like we're veering off again!

 

veggie-girl, you're right, it doesn't. But the idea that you can't get to know somebody well unless you don't spend your time with anybody else is ludicrous.

 

Let's take making friends for example. You have a job, and you live in a new apartment complex. At work you meet someone you click with, and at home, there's this neighbor that you really get along with. I guarantee you're not going to go to one, and say "You know, I'm making friends with this other person I just met, so I can't really spend any time getting to know you." How weird would that be?

 

No, what you'll do is make friends with both of them. Of course, the end result is different, but the point is that you can get to know more than one person at a time. And in matters of the heart, this gives you some perspective on each of them. You will make a choice eventually, but why rush that choice, and why not afford yourself every opportunity to make your best choice?

 

I'd bail if a guy couldn't agree to that after 5 dates. I mean if you aren't interested enough to JUST date me after 5 dates, you aren't interested in me enough for me, period. After 5 dates you should be excited and giddy about someone. If you are still wanting to see others, you just aren't that interested.

 

There's some truth to that, but I will counter with the reality that the heart is a big place, and so is the world. Maybe you're just really young, or maybe you never gave that a chance, and you don't know. I'm telling you, multi-dating can be a lot of fun, and you don't have to be insincere to do it. You can genuinely enjoy your time with each person while you get to know them all.

 

Take it from someone who knows.

[PegNosePete]

I don't know, it just seems like your way shrinks the available pool of qualified candidates and is inefficient. I'm not criticizing, I'm just wondering what aspect of this I haven't considered.

Well, the aspect that I want to find someone who thinks similarly to me. I find it quite tacky and distasteful that someone could be going on a date, kissing me, then going on a date and kissing some other dude the next night. I would not want to get involved with someone who does that. Maybe it's less efficient or whatever but that's just how I feel. What can I say, I'm British, it's just the way we do things over here

[mightycpa]

We're at once a week and I don't want to push for more knowing how busy her schedule is and how much she has to get done. I've been sensitive to her time and just enjoying the time we do spend.

 

I think pretty much everybody agrees, whether we like multi-dating or not, that if you want to step it up with this girl, that the frequency of dates must increase.

[R3d]

Isn't trying so hard to not come across as needy, needy in and of itself?

[PegNosePete]

I think pretty much everybody agrees, whether we like multi-dating or not, that if you want to step it up with this girl, that the frequency of dates must increase.

Yes definitely you have to escalate the relationship.

[doeblin]

We're at once a week and I don't want to push for more knowing how busy her schedule is and how much she has to get done. I've been sensitive to her time and just enjoying the time we do spend.

 

 

 

Well then what if you were exclusive? You'd only see your girlfriend once a week?

 

 

 

 

 

 

ps.: OP, this thread is getting theoretical. Don't overthink it. Be intuitive.

[mightycpa]

Well, the aspect that I want to find someone who thinks similarly to me. I find it quite tacky and distasteful that someone could be going on a date, kissing me, then going on a date and kissing some other dude the next night. I would not want to get involved with someone who does that. Maybe it's less efficient or whatever but that's just how I feel. What can I say, I'm British, it's just the way we do things over here

 

I have fond memories of London. I would take girls to the top of the PriceWaterhouse building (1 London Bridge) and "show them the view" before heading to some nearby pub. I didn't know about that custom, so maybe I violated some of the local ordinances.

[R3d]

@veggirl...you wouldn't bail if the guy didn't agree to be exclusive with you after 5 dates. Not if you really liked him...and if you didn't really like him and wanted to bail...why would you want to be exclusive with him at all...especially so soon?

 

I've never in my life, ever met someone who cut someone off that they were crazy about, just cause they wouldn't be exclusive after only 5 dates. That's just too soon. 5 dates is absolutely nothing.

 

I would say exclusivity after a month or maybe even more like 2 months. No need to rush in. Besides, when you really like someone...there is an unspoken exclusivity.

 

Well, if you are going on a date a week let's say...that's 5 weeks or a little over a month...so you contradict yourself there...

[jjtr]

I think pretty much everybody agrees, whether we like multi-dating or not, that if you want to step it up with this girl, that the frequency of dates must increase.

 

I don't disagree.

 

Well then what if you were exclusive? You'd only see your girlfriend once a week?

 

 

 

 

 

 

ps.: OP, this thread is getting theoretical. Don't overthink it. Be intuitive.

 

Overthinking it is what I do best

[mightycpa]

ps.: OP, this thread is getting theoretical. Don't overthink it. Be intuitive.

 

Yes, no doubt she's sending you signals, like the one where she's licking your tonsils on that most recent date.... always a positive sign.

 

And Crila16 makes a good point that when two people really like each other, mutually, then they tend towards exclusivity even though they haven't spoken about it. But in those cases, the frequency of contact rises organically, and she's also right about "busy or not, you make the time". Crila16 is also right about if you just take her out more, you'll move in the direction you want.

 

So far, that's not happening with you, so that is either both of you are awfully cautious, or you haven't become the alpha male in this relationship.

 

So get off this board, and ask that girl out before mini_mightycpa convinces her that multidating is a great idea.

[jjtr]

Also, I am definitely in the camp of not wanting to get intimate with someone who may or may not be doing the same with someone else. I think that is my biggest hang up.

[Crila16]

@R3D...true. My math is bad. Let me clarify...I was thinking a month or two, seeing each other more than once a week. Let's just say 10 dates a month.

[doeblin]

Also, I am definitely in the camp of not wanting to get intimate with someone who may or may not be doing the same with someone else. I think that is my biggest hang up.

 

 

If that's the way you feel about it, then that's the way you should do it.

 

 

I myself wouldn't say "we are exclusive" to a woman, unless I know that we are compatible in bed. I mean what if she frowns on my gimp costume, right?

[jjtr]

I guess this will be the fifth date. If she wasn't interested, she probably wouldn't still be around, texting daily and making out.

 

Maybe I will just go with, "I know we haven't really discussed what either of us is looking for out of this, but I'm really enjoying spending time with you. I know you have a lot going on, but what do you think about trying to get together more often?"

 

See where that goes, where the night goes, and then worry about the other comment at a different time. We'll see how the evening flows, I guess.

[jjtr]

If that's the way you feel about it, then that's the way you should do it.

 

 

I myself wouldn't say "we are exclusive" to a woman, unless I know that we are compatible in bed. I mean what if she frowns on my gimp costume, right?

 

I feel like compatibility in bed is something that develops over time. Yeah, it can start off great, but I don't think it's something that's a deal breaker.

[mightycpa]

Also, I am definitely in the camp of not wanting to get intimate with someone who may or may not be doing the same with someone else. I think that is my biggest hang up.

 

I think I understand. There's this EEWWWW factor you feel, and I suppose you assume she does with everybody AT LEAST as much as she's doing with you.

 

Interesting. But it doesn't bother you, I presume, that she's been twisted like a pretzel by some other guy before you met her? It is a matter of timing, not a matter of conduct, as in:

 

How could she possibly do this with two people AT THE SAME TIME?

 

Yeah, unless I've already grown to really like someone, I don't really think about that.

[mightycpa]

Good luck.... let us know how it turns out. When's your next date?

[jjtr]

I think I understand. There's this EEWWWW factor you feel, and I suppose you assume she does with everybody AT LEAST as much as she's doing with you.

 

Interesting. But it doesn't bother you, I presume, that she's been twisted like a pretzel by some other guy before you met her? It is a matter of timing, not a matter of conduct, as in:

 

How could she possibly do this with two people AT THE SAME TIME?

 

Yeah, unless I've already grown to really like someone, I don't really think about that.

 

For me, it's just sort of distasteful. I would never sleep with multiple women at the same time if I was trying to find a serious relationship. Especially if it's something where she could be doing it one night with you and the next with another guy.

 

Good luck.... let us know how it turns out. When's your next date?

 

Tomorrow night.

[jjtr]

Scenario (though this is probably thinking too far ahead and putting the cart before the horse):

 

Say I bring up wanting to see her more, the night goes great, and things escalate to a sexual level. For those saying I should not bring up the exclusivity thing, would it still be unreasonable after that?

[mightycpa]

Scenario (though this is probably thinking too far ahead and putting the cart before the horse):

 

Say I bring up wanting to see her more, the night goes great, and things escalate to a sexual level. For those saying I should not bring up the exclusivity thing, would it still be unreasonable after that?

 

Here's where the multi-dating rubber meets the road.

 

What would you think of her if she DOESN'T bring it up?

 

I believe you used the word "distasteful". That's a pretty strong word. What level of sexual puts you into "distasteful"? 2nd base? 3rd?

 

I hope you're American and understand that.

[jjtr]

Here's where the multi-dating rubber meets the road.

 

What would you think of her if she DOESN'T bring it up?

 

I believe you used the word "distasteful". That's a pretty strong word. What level of sexual puts you into "distasteful"? 2nd base? 3rd?

 

I hope you're American and understand that.

 

Sorry. Should have clarified by meaning the whole shebang.

 

If she didn't bring it up, I would want to. If you are going to have sex with me and indicated through our early correspondence that you were looking for a relationship, you should be able to commit to table dating other people while we see where things between us go.

[d0nnivain]

It doesn't matter if you are the guy or the girl in a relationship. If you have standards that require exclusivity before intimacy you lay those cards on the table when intimacy is looming as a real possibility. 5 dates is a bit fast for me but if you are comfortable with it, put it out there. You have to be true to yourself before you can manage a healthy relationship with someone else.

[mightycpa]

Sorry. Should have clarified by meaning the whole shebang.

 

If she didn't bring it up, I would want to. If you are going to have sex with me and indicated through our early correspondence that you were looking for a relationship, you should be able to commit to table dating other people while we see where things between us go.

 

So some guy can fingerbang your girl, or she can give him a BJ and you don't mind either of those? I'm mystified.

 

I can at least understand PNP when he says that if she's even kissing somebody else, he's immediately disinterested.

 

You've drawn the line in a pretty weird place, IMHO. That said, it sounds like it would go like this:

 

HER: **** me, **** me hard right now!

 

YOU: Wait. I only do this with people I'm exclusive with.

 

HER: WHAT?

 

YOU: Yep. I'd find it pretty distasteful if I knew you were doing this with somebody else. Want to talk about it now?

 

HER: NO. I want you to **** me!

 

YOU: I'd really love to do that but... I have my rules, and this is one of them.

 

HER: You really know how to kill the mood, don't you?

 

HER: Could you at least go down on me?

 

YOU: Sure! In fact, let's 69!

 

 

I don't know... I don't know how that works. But you're right, it's probably a little early for this discussion.

[jjtr]

So some guy can fingerbang your girl, or she can give him a BJ and you don't mind either of those? I'm mystified.

 

I can at least understand PNP when he says that if she's even kissing somebody else, he's immediately disinterested.

 

You've drawn the line in a pretty weird place, IMHO. That said, it sounds like it would go like this:

 

HER: **** me, **** me hard right now!

 

YOU: Wait. I only do this with people I'm exclusive with.

 

HER: WHAT?

 

YOU: Yep. I'd find it pretty distasteful if I knew you were doing this with somebody else. Want to talk about it now?

 

HER: NO. I want you to **** me!

 

YOU: I'd really love to do that but... I have my rules, and this is one of them.

 

HER: You really know how to kill the mood, don't you?

 

HER: Could you at least go down on me?

 

YOU: Sure! In fact, let's 69!

 

 

I don't know... I don't know how that works. But you're right, it's probably a little early for this discussion.

 

Perhaps I was not clear enough on my stance.

 

If she were to come to me today, after our pretty intense makeout session, and say, "hey, by the way I'm dating a few other guys" I would absolutely be upset and would need to reevaluate things.

 

However, I'm saying that if, after five dates AND foreplay/sex for the first time, she wasn't ready to at least to table other dates while we persued things, I would highly question what she wanted and would probably duck out.

 

I think if you cannot commit to at least putting other things on hold after a handful of dates and sex, you are not looking for a relationship.

[mightycpa]

Ok, I was just teasing you a little... my way of getting you to think about it a little bit.

 

So, it sounds like to be true to yourself, you need to ask her if she's seeing anybody else, because you've had that makeout session and she might be seeing other people, and it sounds like you'd want to know.

 

If she says yes, then it sounds like you need to ask her to stop, or go steady, or however you say that at your age and in your region.

 

In the end, you're basically interviewing people who need to be compatible with you, not the other way around. You forced yourself into a decision point because you chose to make out with her like that. Now you have to know. That's right, isn't it?

 

Good luck, I mean it.

 

I will say that if it doesn't work out, then you might do well for yourself to think about what assumptions and judgments you're making about a person who will make out with you and still go on a date with somebody else after. Be specific about that and then be devil's advocate, and ask yourself if they are all fair. You might be tossing some very nice fish back into the sea, because you think they don't measure up, but you haven't actually taken the time to measure them. Not a sermon, just a thought that might help you.