Wife feels we don't have enough intimacy

[2sunny]

I'm not coddling her. I'm just respecting her and giving her a break. Being pregnant 3 tines and having to deal with 3 children is not easy. Once she starts working I will still do my utmost to ensure she is not stressed and can keep raising our children the way she is now ... brilliantly.

 

So nothing will change. You don't plan to participate differently.

 

Why don't you tell her that YOU are doing too much and you're just too tired to have sex that often. That would be honest.

 

Really, you're playing the martyr by doing too much but unwilling to allow her or others to do more.

 

If you keep this up you're likely to end up really sick so that you're forced to slow down.

 

If it's too much - then it's too much and life become no fun. Is that what you want? I wouldn't think so.

 

Get honest with her and adjust so you can have your own down time. Honestly she sounds high maintenance but you're unwilling to worry about yourself but worried she needs more of a break.

 

Life gets more complicated with another child. Soon you'll have 4 teenagers going with sports in all different directions. It's like being in a tornado. It gets crazy busy and rest is essential.

 

If she keeps up the demands then go to counseling. Especially if you can't tell her how you really feel.

 

Have you looked into codependency? It may enlighten you.

 

There's nothing wrong with a disagreement. Talking calmly through them to get to compromises and resolutions is very healthy for kids to see/experience.

Edited September 19, 2014 by 2sunny

[evanescentworld]

I'm not scared of her. Just respectful and cautious. If we start fighting that is really not good for the kids to witness.

Rubbish. You don't have these kinds of discussions in front of the children. Furthermore, as you are two intelligent, cogent, articulate adults, there is no reason whatsoever why this should turn out as a 'fight' other than in your apparently hesitant and fearful mind.

 

I entirely second the above post, from 2sunny.

sadly, 'martyr' was a word which passed through my mind too.

It's really not a role you should be happy to continue playing.

However much you may think you're doing it the right way, most members on this thread (whose advice YOU sought, remember!) are urging you to reconsider.

[dsw011]

Admittedly I spend a lot of time working.

 

Why in the evenings?

 

During the day I am focused on travelling to clients or prospects and generally having a lot of meetings. If I am in the office I am generally dealing with technical issues or support issues that have been escalated beyond my staff.

 

This doesn't really give me time to focus on actual proposals, business planning, administration and also working on custom plug ins for clients. Before you suggest it, I have tried delegating these tasks but it has always ended up a disaster.

 

Pre sales is tricky and I really prefer to do it myself. I do have technically competent people but they aren't good at drawing up proposals and presentations.

 

 

 

I read the first page and found that almost everyone thinks your wife needs to take a chill pill. I have a slightly different angle; my apologies if it's repeating what others may have said later in the thread.

 

Your wife is asking for more intimacy. My first thought is that it's good that she's communicating with you about her needs. Having an affair would be another option but she's not - she's working with you.

 

Beyond that, I'm curious about why you are working so much. In particular, I'm concerned about the evening hours in your study. If your wife is unemployed and doing pilates, getting facials, and planning on another baby then it sounds like you have enough money. My suggestion is that when you're home, be home. Hire someone to rid you of the need for those hours at night. She probably feels like you prioritize everything else in life from 6am til 9pm and she's the final afterthought when you're to exhausted for anything but sleep. She doesn't want to be the last chore you have to do before bed.

 

I don't think you're being ungrateful (you sound like a great and responsible guy that many women would appreciate) but I have to wonder if your priorities are just a little out of whack. If you're working for the sake of your family, it does little good to lose your wife due to work.

 

I might suggest differently if it sounded like you were working hard just to make ends meet and put food on the table. But it sounds like you have options. Why not opt to invest some of that comfort money in more support so you can dedicate those post-8pm hours to your wife? A date night does not a marriage make when she feels like your last priority the rest of the week. Imagine her response when you commit to leaving work at work once you're home. What'a the worst that can happen? More sex?

 

Anyway, it's just an alternate point of view to consider. For what's it's worth, I don't even disagree with the others that say she should be more active. Being more busy might help her to empathize with you. I just know that having deprioritized my own marriage for the sake of career is something I wish my wife and I hadn't done. Building a future together is great as long as it doesn't compromise the present to the point where one of the spouses is really unhappy.

 

Good luck.

[dsw011]

You're right.

 

I did come here for advice and it is wrong of me to dismiss much of it.

 

I'll go through all the advice again and try to consolidate it into one plan.

 

Rubbish. You don't have these kinds of discussions in front of the children. Furthermore, as you are two intelligent, cogent, articulate adults, there is no reason whatsoever why this should turn out as a 'fight' other than in your apparently hesitant and fearful mind.

 

I entirely second the above post, from 2sunny.

sadly, 'martyr' was a word which passed through my mind too.

It's really not a role you should be happy to continue playing.

However much you may think you're doing it the right way, most members on this thread (whose advice YOU sought, remember!) are urging you to reconsider.

[giotto]

You don't need counselling... just tell her what you told us here. She will understand. You are having sex everyday... if you miss a day or two won't be the end of the world. She'll come around.

 

As far as having a fourth child, is that a good idea? You are already under a lot of pressure. Make sure you don't "break"... I know, I have 4 myself...

[evanescentworld]

You're right.

 

I did come here for advice and it is wrong of me to dismiss much of it.

 

I'll go through all the advice again and try to consolidate it into one plan.

Thank you, and good on you for your gracious response.

Please know that even within the criticism, veiled or otherwise, we really ARE trying to help you here.

It may be a case of your not being able to see the wood for the trees.

 

Of course, we know nothing about the remaining 99% of your life.

We can only go by what we see here, and read of your own account.

But even that, is simply YOUR perception. It's YOUR point of view, and while you have bent over backwards to be fair to your wife (it's abundantly clear how much you love her) you have given us your interpretation of how she is living life at the moment. It's your perspective, of her side.

 

Do you see what I mean?

 

You may find that speaking with her on this issue, will actually open your eyes to what she REALLY wants, feels, yearns for, lacks or misses.

Women are notorious for giving their men an idea of what is making them feel in a particular way - but we DO expect a degree of intuition and telepathy on your part ('your' collective, not 'your as in you, specifically)...!

So what she's saying, may not necessarily be the whole sum of what she means...

Another reason why counselling may be beneficial.

Opening up in front of an "arbiter" is much easier, because the couple bounces off this third person.

The Counsellor - among other things - is there to 'keep the peace', keep the subject 'on topic' and get you both to open up, express what you truly wish to articulate and get you BOTH to come to a conclusion and solution yourselves.

They will never (or certainly should not!) solve the problem for you. They will lead, suggest, offer options, encouragement and introspection, but you two get to talk things over openly, honestly and lovingly.

[giotto]

I wish I had to get counselling for too much sex...

[evanescentworld]

I know you say it in jest, but he's not being urged to 'get counselling for too much sex'. He's being urged to get counselling for the lack of communication, understanding and the anxiety the issue is causing him.

 

(There is no such thing as 'too much sex' but sadly, there is such a thing as 'too little'.... My heart goes out to you Giotto. )

[giotto]

I know you say it in jest, but he's not being urged to 'get counselling for too much sex'. He's being urged to get counselling for the lack of communication, understanding and the anxiety the issue is causing him.

 

(There is no such thing as 'too much sex' but sadly, there is such a thing as 'too little'.... My heart goes out to you Giotto. )

 

He doesn't need to involve his wife in counselling... he needs IC... then he will be able to talk to his wife about it...

[evanescentworld]

You may well have a point there. It's certainly a consideration as a first step.... However, I think at some stage soon, she MUST be involved in his process.

 

[HermioneG]

I read the first page and found that almost everyone thinks your wife needs to take a chill pill. I have a slightly different angle; my apologies if it's repeating what others may have said later in the thread.

 

Your wife is asking for more intimacy. My first thought is that it's good that she's communicating with you about her needs. Having an affair would be another option but she's not - she's working with you.

 

Beyond that, I'm curious about why you are working so much. In particular, I'm concerned about the evening hours in your study. If your wife is unemployed and doing pilates, getting facials, and planning on another baby then it sounds like you have enough money. My suggestion is that when you're home, be home. Hire someone to rid you of the need for those hours at night. She probably feels like you prioritize everything else in life from 6am til 9pm and she's the final afterthought when you're to exhausted for anything but sleep. She doesn't want to be the last chore you have to do before bed.

 

I don't think you're being ungrateful (you sound like a great and responsible guy that many women would appreciate) but I have to wonder if your priorities are just a little out of whack. If you're working for the sake of your family, it does little good to lose your wife due to work.

 

I might suggest differently if it sounded like you were working hard just to make ends meet and put food on the table. But it sounds like you have options. Why not opt to invest some of that comfort money in more support so you can dedicate those post-8pm hours to your wife? A date night does not a marriage make when she feels like your last priority the rest of the week. Imagine her response when you commit to leaving work at work once you're home. What'a the worst that can happen? More sex?

 

Anyway, it's just an alternate point of view to consider. For what's it's worth, I don't even disagree with the others that say she should be more active. Being more busy might help her to empathize with you. I just know that having deprioritized my own marriage for the sake of career is something I wish my wife and I hadn't done. Building a future together is great as long as it doesn't compromise the present to the point where one of the spouses is really unhappy.

 

Good luck.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking as well.