Wife feels we don't have enough intimacy

[evanescentworld]

Well what we have here is a distinct lack of effective communication.

Unless you resolve this matter, one of two things (or even both!) will absolutely, definitely happen, without question:

 

She will begin to resent your lack of response and input and begin harbouring anger that you seem to not find her attractive, you're going off her, there's something wrong with you...and she will become quietly hostile and distant....

 

And/or:

 

You will resent the pull on your time, and her expectations, you will feel inadequate, put-upon and resentful that she can't see you're not as sexually active or demanding as she is.

 

Either way, your relationship WILL suffer.

 

Unless you effectively discuss this matter openly, and state your case and reach a compromise, it's an absolute guarantee that one of the above two situations - and yes, could be both - will definitely overshadow your relationship.

 

It's not really a question of hurting her. Tackled in front of a counsellor, it could build your marriage and make it stronger. Sometimes feelings do get affected. Hell, dammit, you are affected by it now - or you wouldn't be posting!! It's a risk you NEED to take - because it's something that constructive discussion can repair and encourage.

But leave things as they are, do nothing but soldier on, and both of you will suffer.

 

Trust us - talking this over with her now, will implement damage limitation and avoid much emotional pain in future.

[dsw011]

Of course I want to avoid those scenarios. The question is is counselling extreme? I admit this is becoming an issue for me but I don't want her to think it's some kind of train smash that I am going to be screaming at the heavens over.

 

Well what we have here is a distinct lack of effective communication.

Unless you resolve this matter, one of two things (or even both!) will absolutely, definitely happen, without question:

 

She will begin to resent your lack of response and input and begin harbouring anger that you seem to not find her attractive, you're going off her, there's something wrong with you...and she will become quietly hostile and distant....

 

And/or:

 

You will resent the pull on your time, and her expectations, you will feel inadequate, put-upon and resentful that she can't see you're not as sexually active or demanding as she is.

 

Either way, your relationship WILL suffer.

 

Unless you effectively discuss this matter openly, and state your case and reach a compromise, it's an absolute guarantee that one of the above two situations - and yes, could be both - will definitely overshadow your relationship.

 

It's not really a question of hurting her. Tackled in front of a counsellor, it could build your marriage and make it stronger. Sometimes feelings do get affected. Hell, dammit, you are affected by it now - or you wouldn't be posting!! It's a risk you NEED to take - because it's something that constructive discussion can repair and encourage.

But leave things as they are, do nothing but soldier on, and both of you will suffer.

 

Trust us - talking this over with her now, will implement damage limitation and avoid much emotional pain in future.

[dichotomy]

Sorry. Forgot to answer your question. Yes she is a good wife. More than good. She is the sweetest person. If she could she would do everything for me. I have to literally say no so that I can help her out and she can rest.

 

Everything she says and does males it obvious she is thinking about me.

 

She is also amazing with the kids. They are happy and well adjusted largely thanks to her.

 

She doesn't get upset often ... only about sex if she feels ignored... and never yells.

 

I am very lucky to be married to her.

 

VERY Lucky ...so then its simple then isn't it???... as oldshirt mentions get someone else to help more around home or let it slide a little- and then suck it up/do whatever it takes mentally (Java or C++ coding if you must) and.....give her some good sex every day. Also you might consider morning sex.

 

You poor SOB..... So sorry for you, you have quite the marriage and wife issues.

Edited September 17, 2014 by dichotomy

[evanescentworld]

Of course I want to avoid those scenarios. The question is is counselling extreme? I admit this is becoming an issue for me but I don't want her to think it's some kind of train smash that I am going to be screaming at the heavens over.

 

Look at what you said earlier....

 

I just love her too much to hurt her. I agree with you. I should bring up the subject with her but I do not know how.

 

Anything I say will make it seem like I am not into her. Which isn't true.

You are kind, loving, considerate - and a bit of a push-over.

 

You are currently willing to sacrifice your own comfort, ease of mind, happiness and energy, to keep her happy.

But does she realise this?

No.

Is she aware you feel this issue so deeply?

No.

Did you know that one of the major complaints some women have about their partners is their inability/reluctance to communicate?

I bet you didn't.

Will you begin to resent her inconsiderate, selfish and demanding temperament?

Not yet - because you probably don't see it as such.

But if this goes on, and you say nothing and keep this all to yourself, you will see her that way, and you will resent it.

 

This is already becoming an issue for you, so already, there is a low level of personal angst and distress.

You are also nervous about bringing it up because of the way you fear she will perceive it.

You don't want to hurt her.

You don't want her to think badly of you, or imagine that your love has lessened.

 

Do you still think counselling is excessive?

I think it's high time you investigated it, seriously....

[dsw011]

Counselling... just seems so... far down the line of martial issues. I guess I just don't like to think we're at that point.

 

I do get what you're saying though.

 

We skipped last night and sighed in relief... inwardly of course.

 

The reason we skipped isn't good news but it'll be ok. Our youngest is sick. Seems to be getting better though.

[beach]

Am I being ungrateful?

 

A lot of guys on this forum would probably love to have a partner who wanted sex everyday.

 

Could it be an issue with me?

 

I don't see it being you.

 

I see it being her.

 

She barely does anything for/with her kids.

 

She seems spoiled!

 

When I was home with my kids I did ALL the things for them, for my husband and always cleaned and made dinner. Heck, I even mowed the lawn and tended the yard with the kids helping me.

 

I think you have provided too many luxuries for your wife and she needs to get her hands dirty at home and get to cleaning and handling the kids and animals! So much so that SHE is exhausted at the end of each day.

 

 

Why wait until she has another child? Since she really doesn't care for them very much in a course of each day she should go to work for someone else so she gets busy and tired! It's not about making more money - it's about getting her dog tired!

 

If she's not going to work then...

 

I can never understand why some Moms stay home but don't take care of their kids that much.

 

Stop handling all those daily tasks. Tell her you work at the office and count on her to manage everything at home. When you don't do those tasks at home she will be forced to do them herself. No reason why you do all her job and work at the office. She's there at home to manage the house so make it clear it's her job.

 

When you're tired and she wants sex - tell her no. She needs to put on her big girl panties and act like a grown woman. You have a child as a wife and now she's spoiled. Stop spoiling her. She needs to grow up and consider YOUR feelings for a change.

 

Sex is not the same thing as intimacy.

 

 

To summarize - stop being her doormat.

 

Be honest and schedule sex an agreed amount during the week. Start stating what you need! Sex is supposed to be great - it's not great if you're tired and resentful. Tell her that. If it's more rest then say that!

Edited September 18, 2014 by beach

[giotto]

get someone else to help more around home or let it slide a little

 

 

sorry to disagree with this... his wife needs to be busier... not less busy... she has too much time on her hands. It's the OP who needs to find a way to cut down on his busy schedule and be less tired. As it is, it's too much for him.

 

I can relate to this... a friend of mine was left by his partner because he was working too much. He worked in his family business. They had a small child and his partner didn't do much work. In fact, she had her own business, but she made a loss every year. He was working very hard to provide for the family, but she said she hardly saw him (which wasn't true) and they separated. He was destroyed by this.

 

What I mean is: life is real... you have kids, people work hard, family life suffers. This is normal. The trick is to talk. The trick is to understand. I don't think my friend put his case forward sufficiently. She got fed up and left. I understand her point of view, but separating was a bit harsh...

[dsw011]

She does help a lot and is still the primary caregiver of the children.

 

The only time I will insist she does almost nothing is when she's pregnant.

 

I don't think she's overly spoiled. Maybe just slightly. But she's an amazing person and it's really not fair to call her a child.

[giotto]

sorry, I read it as "get someone else to help her"... which is not the case...

[giotto]

She does help a lot and is still the primary caregiver of the children.

 

The only time I will insist she does almost nothing is when she's pregnant.

 

I don't think she's overly spoiled. Maybe just slightly. But she's an amazing person and it's really not fair to call her a child.

 

I think she is a little spoiled... You need to cut down a bit on your schedule and make her understand that sometimes you are tired... you don't have to have sex every day... I wish I did... Will be difficult, because it seems that's the way she connects with you. But you are having sex every day, so she's hardly starved...

[evanescentworld]

Counselling... just seems so... far down the line of martial issues. I guess I just don't like to think we're at that point.

oh really??

What... you want to actually wait until you get to 'that point' before you do anything?

Don't you see how destructive that is? Surely, the best time to fix the dam is when you perceive the hairline crack, not when the wall is about to explode under pressure....! You need to address this issue NOW, before it has the potential to become insurmountable!

 

I do get what you're saying though.

 

We skipped last night and sighed in relief... inwardly of course.

Goodness me, if this is how it's making you feel - dreading going to bed because she always wants it, and you have to perform.... and you still don't think you're "at that point"....?

 

YOU'RE AT THAT POINT!!

 

The reason we skipped isn't good news but it'll be ok. Our youngest is sick. Seems to be getting better though.

Oh dear. Back to more sex then.... phew, here goes..... must make the effort so as to not hurt her feelings, eh?

 

Oh, please.......

Really, you need to put your foot down and do something about this.

 

Do you really think, if the situation were reversed, she would let you within a mile of her vagina if she didn't feel like letting you in there?

She would withdraw and you would go without.

 

Tragically, it happens a lot, and there are literally countless thousands of celibate husbands suffering a lack of intimacy, passion, love and closeness, because their wives are not interested in being sexually active. For whatever reasons.

If she was like them, she would never be making as much effort, in any measure at all, in the way you do.

And you carry on like this.... well, it will all end in tears....

[veggirl]

She does help a lot and is still the primary caregiver of the children.

 

The only time I will insist she does almost nothing is when she's pregnant.

 

I don't think she's overly spoiled. Maybe just slightly. But she's an amazing person and it's really not fair to call her a child.

 

You said she carts the kids off to grandma THREE DAYS A WEEK and only watches them TWO herself. Sounds like grandmas are the primary caregiver and yes your wife sounds lazy, entitled, and spoiled. To most that would be a turn off. You are complaining that you are so busy and doing so much, yet you aren't willing to tell her she needs to step it up and do her fair share. So what are you hoping for here? It doesn't sound like you are willing to fix this. It will be fixed if your wife gets off her tush and contributes more evenly. SHE should be taking things off of your plate, not the other way around.

 

You really can't see that?

 

If she wants sex more, she doesn't think "oh gosh he's exhausted from working 9 hours and doing chores/cooking after work, maybe I should help out!" I mean really? She's selfish.

[dsw011]

It just sounds so negative.

 

I mean we are trying for a 4th baby and now I'm going to go "we need counselling to deal with our sexual issues". Lol. How could I?

 

oh really??

What... you want to actually wait until you get to 'that point' before you do anything?

Don't you see how destructive that is? Surely, the best time to fix the dam is when you perceive the hairline crack, not when the wall is about to explode under pressure....! You need to address this issue NOW, before it has the potential to become insurmountable!

 

 

Goodness me, if this is how it's making you feel - dreading going to bed because she always wants it, and you have to perform.... and you still don't think you're "at that point"....?

 

YOU'RE AT THAT POINT!!

 

 

Oh dear. Back to more sex then.... phew, here goes..... must make the effort so as to not hurt her feelings, eh?

 

Oh, please.......

Really, you need to put your foot down and do something about this.

 

Do you really think, if the situation were reversed, she would let you within a mile of her vagina if she didn't feel like letting you in there?

She would withdraw and you would go without.

 

Tragically, it happens a lot, and there are literally countless thousands of celibate husbands suffering a lack of intimacy, passion, love and closeness, because their wives are not interested in being sexually active. For whatever reasons.

If she was like them, she would never be making as much effort, in any measure at all, in the way you do.

And you carry on like this.... well, it will all end in tears....

[dsw011]

The grandma issue:

 

Yes on the surface it sounds bad. But it was partially my idea. My mom is stay at home and her mom is retired early. And both of them want to spend time with the kids. From both sides they are they only grandchildren. It just makes sense to let them spend time with them when they are young.

 

As for her being lazy. Not true. She does a lot and at times I actually have to stop her so that I can do the task. Yes I work hard and I'm tired but she has bee pregnant 3 times. That is difficult as well. She deserves a break. Once our final child us 2 or 3 it will be a different game and we will look at setting her up with work. But for now I don't really want to stress her.

 

Sure there are mom's who do more but you know what they also do? Fight with their husbands. Scream in front of their kids. A lot of stuff like that. The

Our children are very happy and it's in no a all part thanks to my wife.

 

She's nothe lazy. I'm just trying to give her and the children the best life possible.

 

 

 

You said she carts the kids off to grandma THREE DAYS A WEEK and only watches them TWO herself. Sounds like grandmas are the primary caregiver and yes your wife sounds lazy, entitled, and spoiled. To most that would be a turn off. You are complaining that you are so busy and doing so much, yet you aren't willing to tell her she needs to step it up and do her fair share. So what are you hoping for here? It doesn't sound like you are willing to fix this. It will be fixed if your wife gets off her tush and contributes more evenly. SHE should be taking things off of your plate, not the other way around.

 

You really can't see that?

 

If she wants sex more, she doesn't think "oh gosh he's exhausted from working 9 hours and doing chores/cooking after work, maybe I should help out!" I mean really? She's selfish.

[evanescentworld]

It just sounds so negative.

 

I mean we are trying for a 4th baby and now I'm going to go "we need counselling to deal with our sexual issues". Lol. How could I?

 

EXACTLY LIKE THAT!!

 

Look, sometimes there are no gentle ways to get the egg out of the shell. Something needs breaking.

You have to take your courage in your hands and tell her - "There are things happening with us which leave me feeling unhappy, put-upon, exhausted, worried, anxious... and I don't know how to approach things in such a way as to make it an easy matter to discuss.

I know we love each other very deeply, and I would die for you in the bat of an eyelid, but something is making me feel pressured, and I want to make sure we're both on the same level, in order to talk about it.

I really think I would value your opinion, and I think I'd like to maybe discuss this with a counsellor - would you do that with me?"

 

(The above makes YOU take responsibility for how you're feeling - AND it asks her to be kind and patient with you. It puts no blame on her, but reveals you feel worried enough to make this a serious issue to address.

 

And no - I'm sorry - and this is just my personal opinion - making another baby is an irresponsible, expensive, and utterly unnecessary thing to do.

WHY??

Why do you need another child? You have 3 already!! And they're a full-time occupation!

Stupid question. of course, you don't 'need' another child.

But neither does this planet. The resources required to sustain yet another human being are unseen and unwitnessed - but every mouth to feed, adds to the burden on this planet to keep its human population happy.

 

The imbalance between the haves and have-nots is increasing, and at the centre core of all these deprivations, are the vulnerable children who are born to those who cannot manage.

To therefore bring another child into a wealthy society and literally spoon-feed it all it needs until adulthood, when there are so many other desperate human causes to address, just makes me weep.

I'm sorry to be so harsh.... Feel free to utterly ignore every word I've put.

I'm sorry for being so rude and in-your-face about it.

But it's a subject I find very emotive.

[veggirl]

You should probably hold off having more children until you and your wife are in a place where you can actually communicate OPENLY about issues. Why are you so afraid to talk to her about this? She really is the "boss" in this marriage, it seems like you are scared of her or something. You can't even be open and honest and you think that's indicative of a good marriage?

[dsw011]

With regards to your Malthusian sensationalist rhetoric:

 

I'm not offend at all, just slightly amused. Inequality is undeniable, but does the hard data indicate that people are better off now or in 1914? 1614? Etc. In many ways even average people today live better than kings in the middle ages.

 

Of course there's poverty that needs to be combated, but having less children won't help with that. Where do you think aid for poor nations comes from? Your taxes. You think having 3 less tax payers is going to somehow produce more money?

 

As for resources. True, resources are finite. But the way they are consumed changes constantly. For example factories today will be replaced by additive manufacturing. Oil heavy transport industries are even now being replaced by digital outlets. Telecommuting is increasing. These all reduce resource usage per capita.

 

People are negative as a result of evolution. Our ancestors had to constantly scan their environments and think of the worst case scenario to ensure their survival. I don't blame you for being negative because it's wired into you. However humans also have the capacity to let logic override base instincts. I'd hope that people would start reasoning in this way.

 

EXACTLY LIKE THAT!!

 

Look, sometimes there are no gentle ways to get the egg out of the shell. Something needs breaking.

You have to take your courage in your hands and tell her - "There are things happening with us which leave me feeling unhappy, put-upon, exhausted, worried, anxious... and I don't know how to approach things in such a way as to make it an easy matter to discuss.

I know we love each other very deeply, and I would die for you in the bat of an eyelid, but something is making me feel pressured, and I want to make sure we're both on the same level, in order to talk about it.

I really think I would value your opinion, and I think I'd like to maybe discuss this with a counsellor - would you do that with me?"

 

(The above makes YOU take responsibility for how you're feeling - AND it asks her to be kind and patient with you. It puts no blame on her, but reveals you feel worried enough to make this a serious issue to address.

 

And no - I'm sorry - and this is just my personal opinion - making another baby is an irresponsible, expensive, and utterly unnecessary thing to do.

WHY??

Why do you need another child? You have 3 already!! And they're a full-time occupation!

Stupid question. of course, you don't 'need' another child.

But neither does this planet. The resources required to sustain yet another human being are unseen and unwitnessed - but every mouth to feed, adds to the burden on this planet to keep its human population happy.

 

The imbalance between the haves and have-nots is increasing, and at the centre core of all these deprivations, are the vulnerable children who are born to those who cannot manage.

To therefore bring another child into a wealthy society and literally spoon-feed it all it needs until adulthood, when there are so many other desperate human causes to address, just makes me weep.

I'm sorry to be so harsh.... Feel free to utterly ignore every word I've put.

I'm sorry for being so rude and in-your-face about it.

But it's a subject I find very emotive.

[2sunny]

What's going to change? Change comes from you.

 

Is she willing to consider how you feel? You need to be honest with her how you feel and how all this affects you.

 

 

Stop coddling her. Her demands should consider your feelings too!

[Sriracha]

I can totally relate to your wife. She is a physical person and needs physical connection to feel secure and loved, and sex is one way to demonstrate that. It's definitely the "easiest" way, but not the only.

 

I don't necessarily think you have to approach counseling with a "we have sex issues" mindset, but rather, I would approach counseling by telling her that you understand how important it is for her to have a physical connection and that you want to give her all the love, reassurance, and intimacy that she needs, but that because of energy levels, sex just can't be the *only* outlet. So tell her that you want to explore counseling together so that you can both come up with other creative ideas and solutions to address her needs for intimacy without putting all the pressure on just one activity (sex).

 

There might be some ways both of you haven't even thought of that could help build this intimacy..perhaps she can help you at work? It's another avenue of being together physically where she can derive pleasure and build confidence because she's helping you and you can show her appreciation and admiration for those times, which is going to make you feel good too.

 

Just some thoughts..

[pteromom]

I'd say she has too much free time and is getting slightly bored. In that emptiness, she's starting to obsess about sex. She has to get back to work.

 

Or do something else that gives her life meaning and purpose... volunteering, starting her company, whatever. Right now, you are the sole focus... so she is unnaturally obsessing over sex and affection.

[bwright42tx]

Hi everyone. I have lurked on this forum for a while but have not found a situation that matches our own, so I decided to start this thread. I apologise in advance for its length.

 

I am 34, my wife is 29. We met in 2003. For the first few years we had an amazing sex life. She worked part time and I was on the road a lot as a pre sales consultant but we were both young and there were no intimacy issues.

 

In 2005 I was promoted to pre sales manager but although my salary increased, my commission did not because I was tied up with both administration and technical work. So I decided to leave and start my own company in 2006. This was also the year we got married.

 

Things went well and the company grew steadily. From 2 employees in 2006 to 18 today. From 2006 my wifeet quit her job and started studying. In 2009 we had our first child, a son.

 

We were still very happy at this stage. In 2011 we had another son. We had hoped for a girl. Last year we had another son. We are trying again for a girl.

 

Now she is complaining that I am not into her enough. We have sex about 5 to 6 times a week. I try to show her I appreciate and love her in a lot of ways.

 

I help with the house most days, and hired someone to clean twice a week.

 

I take over with many of the child care tasks as soon as I get home from work.

 

I make sure I cook at least twice a week to give her a break.

 

I arrange with my family and hers to take the children ato least one week night per week, sometimes 2, so I can arrange a date night.

 

She enjoys it but if we don't have a lot of sex that night and the next day she gets upset.

 

The reality is I'm tired. I am drowning in work and then I get home and do chores and look after the kids, and Ince they are asleep I work for an hour or two in my study most days. After all that sometimes I just want to sleep or watch TV.

 

I know I should be grateful after reading about six starved guys on this site, but I am nit sure what to do. Sometimes I just give in and do it and think about work.

 

She is happier after we are intimate but if I skip a day the accusations that I am not into her start again .

 

I don't really know what to do. Help!

 

Maybe she wouldn't mind shouldering more of the workload around the house if it gives you more time to do what you want in the evening so you have time for her later. I.E. maybe you could work for an hour while she cooks dinner on those two nights you cook now....and maybe she could keep up the kid responsibilities while you watch a little TV? Maybe the sex is more important to her than anything you do to help her.

[BetrayedH]

Am I being ungrateful?

 

A lot of guys on this forum would probably love to have a partner who wanted sex everyday.

 

Could it be an issue with me?

 

I read the first page and found that almost everyone thinks your wife needs to take a chill pill. I have a slightly different angle; my apologies if it's repeating what others may have said later in the thread.

 

Your wife is asking for more intimacy. My first thought is that it's good that she's communicating with you about her needs. Having an affair would be another option but she's not - she's working with you.

 

Beyond that, I'm curious about why you are working so much. In particular, I'm concerned about the evening hours in your study. If your wife is unemployed and doing pilates, getting facials, and planning on another baby then it sounds like you have enough money. My suggestion is that when you're home, be home. Hire someone to rid you of the need for those hours at night. She probably feels like you prioritize everything else in life from 6am til 9pm and she's the final afterthought when you're to exhausted for anything but sleep. She doesn't want to be the last chore you have to do before bed.

 

I don't think you're being ungrateful (you sound like a great and responsible guy that many women would appreciate) but I have to wonder if your priorities are just a little out of whack. If you're working for the sake of your family, it does little good to lose your wife due to work.

 

I might suggest differently if it sounded like you were working hard just to make ends meet and put food on the table. But it sounds like you have options. Why not opt to invest some of that comfort money in more support so you can dedicate those post-8pm hours to your wife? A date night does not a marriage make when she feels like your last priority the rest of the week. Imagine her response when you commit to leaving work at work once you're home. What'a the worst that can happen? More sex?

 

Anyway, it's just an alternate point of view to consider. For what's it's worth, I don't even disagree with the others that say she should be more active. Being more busy might help her to empathize with you. I just know that having deprioritized my own marriage for the sake of career is something I wish my wife and I hadn't done. Building a future together is great as long as it doesn't compromise the present to the point where one of the spouses is really unhappy.

 

Good luck.

[dsw011]

You should probably hold off having more children until you and your wife are in a place where you can actually communicate OPENLY about issues. Why are you so afraid to talk to her about this? She really is the "boss" in this marriage, it seems like you are scared of her or something. You can't even be open and honest and you think that's indicative of a good marriage?

 

I consider myself a guy who is respectful of women without being chauvinist. I believe that women should be treated as equals yet also have less demands placed on them especially when children are involved.

 

I know she may be getting bored after being out if work for so long. But we have already decided that we are going to start a company for her in the next 2 years to fully utilise her talents.

 

I'm not scared of her. Just respectful and cautious. If we start fighting that is really not good for the kids to witness.

[dsw011]

Or do something else that gives her life meaning and purpose... volunteering, starting her company, whatever. Right now, you are the sole focus... so she is unnaturally obsessing over sex and affection.

 

Great post.

 

We are both involved in a charity, a church based soup kitchen and blanket repository. It has brought us closer together. It's also allowed me to become more involved with the church which is important to her. I am not really a believer at all and it was a bit of an issue for us at one point.

 

As for starting a company. We are planning to do this. She has strong organisational skills and cake decorating skills so we are thinking if starting something along those lines. I'm not sure if it will happen before or after the next baby though. (We are hoping for a girl finally).

[dsw011]

What's going to change? Change comes from you.

 

Is she willing to consider how you feel? You need to be honest with her how you feel and how all this affects you.

 

 

Stop coddling her. Her demands should consider your feelings too!

 

I'm not coddling her. I'm just respecting her and giving her a break. Being pregnant 3 tines and having to deal with 3 children is not easy. Once she starts working I will still do my utmost to ensure she is not stressed and can keep raising our children the way she is now ... brilliantly.