Separated at 39 weeks pregnant.

[Yasuandio]

Thank you Yas. I never considered him a write-off. Regardless of the events that took plave in our marriage I will always love him. Even if it is not romantic love. I told him that as long as he continued to get help I would stand by his side. He stopped going to anger management and never tried getting therapy. Then the abuse started up. And *he* kicked me out of our home.

 

The timing was perfect. And I mean that in a serious way. He left us before we could've left him, since that's what he was so sure would happen he created the situation on his own.

 

And nearly a week later he has apologized via text but made no efforts besides this. Not that I would respond favorably anyway.

 

I have my own issues. But I can't fathom kicking my pregnant wife out of our home a week before our first child is due. And abusing my pregnant wife. It is inconcievable. And inexcuseable. And cowardly.

 

You are good girl, hon. I didn't mean you would write him off - I said that because so many of the armchair diagnogitians say how impossible it is to turn "US" disordered folk around. I'm happy to hear he applogized at least that shows some semblance of emotion.

 

You are smart to draw the line - I admire that, big time. I've tolerated the inexcusable, inconceivable myself for way too many years. I think it has very much to do with character ((as much as we want to pin the donkey with Narcissism and other jargon)). The real illness causes you to actually be really ill, with phisical symptoms as well - that I attest to. Ill to the point where you cannot function, think straight - must have extra sleep, IBS, - the list goes on.

 

You are strong, and you're gonna be fine. Yas

[GorillaTheater]

Holy crap, Candy. I haven't been here in over a week, and just saw this.

 

I am so damned sorry. I skipped to the end as soon as I read the first post, so forgive me, but what kind of support do you have?

[melodymatters]

Candy, you come across as such a great woman on here and you help so many others, I am devastated for you !

 

My first husband had many problems and I'm sure I was codependent for the first 5 yrs of my marriage, before my pregnancy. Once that little 6 lb 7 oz pink baby girl was in my arms though, it was like a switch flipped. I had been taking care of HIM for so long, but now there was someone who really DID need me to take care of and prioritize her.

 

He continued his dysfunctional behaviors and the marriage was over within the first year.

 

It is quite clear what you need to do and once you have your child in your arms, the thought of staying with him and putting your child in harms way will seem about as sensible as setting up her nursery in the lions den at the local zoo !

 

There is no way but forward and you of all people seem completely equipped to handle the changes ahead. GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND !!!

[pteromom]

I am so sorry, Candy. You have a beautiful heart and a logical mind, and you deserve to be loved and respected.

 

Unfortunately, some people who come from an abusive background learn who they don't want to be, and consciously choose a completely different path, and others lack the capability to learn and just repeat the patterns.

 

Your husband had no control over his body or actions as a child, so he is asserting himself by attempting to control and power over you. Both directly (through abuse and making you fearful) and indirectly (through proving he can cheat and do what he wants with no concern about you.)

 

You will be ok. Make sure you keep that baby safe. Because your husband WILL be abusive toward the baby. Being abusive toward a child is even easier, because they are powerless to do anything about it.

[No Limit]

Being a divorce kid myself, I'd just like to tell you - if you ever decide to cut him out of both your and your childs life, do it early on. Humans have the great ability to forget over the years, and I don't think I've taken much damage from growing up without a father figure - but gosh, I'm 18 years old and just today we found out my father has sent the entire child support from 2006. My mother was happy for the extra cash, but I only feel some emotional turmoil in me now - and I'd just started college today, wonderful timing.

 

I don't even want to know what kids must feel like who get triggered like this every day. I know 2, and it nearly smashed both of them.

 

Just set a line. Don't give him too many chances at playing father, raising a child is not a game, even though it might be in his little world.

 

Best of luck nonetheless. I do hope you'll share baby photos!

[Priv]

So I guess the whole poly thing is off the table? No pampering an exotic Dutch man in the morning? Maybe just as well as becoming bi was weighing heavy on me .

 

 

Seriously f*cked up Candy. I am sorry for you and I believe you surely did the right (and only) thing to do...

[Pyro]

We're volunteering to babysit when needed.

[whichwayisup]

I'm really sorry that you've gone through this, how awful.

 

You're very strong and I'm glad you're safe now.

[michellew]

Stay strong, CP! I know you've said he doesn't get anymore chances, but when that baby comes, it's going to be 100x harder NOT to take him back. The reality of it is that your hormones, lack of sleep, and postpartum are going to come crashing down, weakening your abilities to resist.

 

I know it's hard, but instead of seeing this as "how could he do this to me right before our baby is due?", try thinking of it as a blessing in disguise. You and your beautiful baby are now free to live a healthy, stable, loving life together, free of the inevitable abuse that will eventually resurface from your husband.

 

You deserve so much better and so does your baby.

[Candy_Pants]

Holy crap, Candy. I haven't been here in over a week, and just saw this.

 

I am so damned sorry. I skipped to the end as soon as I read the first post, so forgive me, but what kind of support do you have?

I am staying with my sister and her family. She's got two kids and was a stay at home mom but just got a job, so now she's got free childcare with me around!! Kinda worked out perfect since I'll need free childcare once we can get the baby bottle fed and not just breastfed so I can start working and get my own place for my precious baby and I (silver lining and all that ).

 

@Melody Thank you sweetheart, your comments mean a lot .

 

@PteroMom I am hoping and praying very very very hard that he will not be abusive towards our child. And if he EVER is I will remove him from the equation. I have seen him with other people who he is never abusive towards so I don't think he's just an "abuser". He obviously has many redeeming qualities but his behavior isn't something I am going to tolerate any longer. My baby deserves a peaceful home, and a happy mama.

 

@NoLimit I don't think things are so black and white as "well maybe one day I might cut him out so I should just do it now." First of all I cannot predict the future. Secondly I still have hope for her having a relationship with him. And lastly, I cannot legally cut him out, not that I want to anyway.

 

And YESSS I will share baby pictures once she comes . I will add people I trust to my contacts and upload them to a private album.

 

@Priv No poly bi relationship but I am single now .

 

@Pyro I might take you up on that offer. Or I might just leave you with my baby and take your wife out for some fun!! :bunny:

 

@WWIU Thanks. I don't think it is a matter of strength. I am simply done. I forgot that I was worth more than how he treated me at times. And when the honeymoon phase came around again I was lured back into the lion's den. He sealed his fate by kicking us out the week before I was due to deliver. I would've walked by his side through hell, that's how much I love him, but I wasn't going to be dragged through it BY him.

 

I know I might seem "strong" and "capable", but I am ****ing scared. And I cry thinking about the good times, and the bad times. And I have passing moments where I think, "I just want one more kiss, one more hug, or to cry in his arms and maybe he'll see how he has to change", I cannot give in to these thoughts. It is not about him anymore. It is about my innocent child. And about me. I have to take excellent care of myself so my baby can be taken excellent care of.

[Citizen Erased]

I know I might seem "strong" and "capable", but I am ****ing scared. And I cry thinking about the good times, and the bad times. And I have passing moments where I think, "I just want one more kiss, one more hug, or to cry in his arms and maybe he'll see how he has to change", I cannot give in to these thoughts. It is not about him anymore. It is about my innocent child. And about me. I have to take excellent care of myself so my baby can be taken excellent care of.

 

I think people mean that despite that you've got to be hurting in an unimaginable way, you're still taking care of business. Your focus is on your little girl when most people wouldn't even be able to leave their bed right now. That shows how strong and capable you are, not just how smart and sassy you are in general.

[Candy_Pants]

I think people mean that despite that you've got to be hurting in an unimaginable way, you're still taking care of business. Your focus is on your little girl when most people wouldn't even be able to leave their bed right now. That shows how strong and capable you are, not just how smart and sassy you are in general.

I didn't realize staying in bed was an option!!!

 

I'm nesting so hard right now.

[HeavenOrHell]

Sorry to hear about this CP, just wanted to wish you and your little one all the best.

I was with a man years ago who turned out to be abusive, I ended up in a refuge so I could escape the situation, he ended up being the loser though in a variety of ways after my solicitor saw the bruises.

I hope things will turn out well for you

[Quiet Storm]

Candy, I just saw this thread and wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and the little one. I'm glad you have your sister for support right now.

 

My sister has BPD, and unfortunately life events like having a kid, losing her husband, getting older, alienating friends & family, etc. have not made her any less self centered. Her feelings are more important than anyone's, even her sons. I have learned that I can detach and still love her. I can empathize with her (she was raped as a child), but still keep my distance. It's good that you realize love is not enough sometimes, and that no matter how much love, support & dedication you give to him, he won't appreciate it or reciprocate because of his own issues. Hurt people, hurt people.

 

I'm sorry he disappointed you and let you down. No matter how hard we try, we can't make another person want to help themselves. My BPD sister explained it like this "I have no motivation to try because I know I won't change. It's pointless. I am such a messed up person. I'll always feel like this, and I'll always hurt the people that love me, even if I don't mean to." Some people just accept that they are "messed up", and instead of trying to change, just wait for people to get fed up with them. They have no hope for themselves. It's sad, but love, kids and personal growth are not enough to motivate them. They'll never get better if they won't even try.

 

Being a mom is the most rewarding part of my life, and you will be an awesome mom. You sound like you are a really fun person, and kids love that! You are also compassionate, smart, strong, loyal and insightful. When you hold that sweet baby in your arms, your worries will fade away. In a few days your life will be a constant blur of baby, diapers, breast milk, sleep deprivation, onesies, spit up, along with much love and amazement (I made this awesome human being!). You will feel content and happy just holding her & watching her sleep. My youngest is ten now, and I miss that baby stage. Enjoy every moment & don't let him spoil it for you. These next few weeks are all about bonding with baby, and it will be one of the shortest, but one of most important chapters in your life. Savor it. Cherish it. It goes by so fast.

 

I wish you the best, Candy. Prepare yourself for more drama. Have a plan for how you will respond to it (detach, distance). Stay safe!