Separated at 39 weeks pregnant.

[Candy_Pants]

All I'm going to say is please ask yourself if you really want him to be involved in your child's life.

Do you think I haven't thought about it?? That I haven't asked myself a million times, and in a million ways?? Everything leads back to me making the conclusion I stated above, which is there for you to read.

[somedude81]

Do you think I haven't thought about it?? That I haven't asked myself a million times, and in a million ways?? Everything leads back to me making the conclusion I stated above, which is there for you to read.

 

Will you be able to stand by your conclusion?

[xxoo]

Candy, you'll know if you need to make any changes, just as you knew at this point that you needed to separate.

 

You've got a heart of gold, and a mother's protective instinct. You've got this.

[jay1983]

This very surprising, I had no idea you were having problems.

[Candy_Pants]

This very surprising, I had no idea you were having problems.

Yeah. Major problems since we married. He has PTSD, is bipolar, hypoglycemic, has ADHD, and fits the profile of someone with borderline personality disorder. And of course those things come with other serious issues which made marriage virtually impossible.

 

I tried though. I loved him, but not enough for the both of us, if you understand what I mean. He was never good enough for me in his own mind.

[HPrynne]

You've done the right thing. Strength and love to you. You can do this.

[Downtown]

He fits the profile of someone with borderline personality disorder.

Candy, that would not be surprising, given that he's been diagnosed as having both bipolar and ADHD. A third of bipolar-1 sufferers also have full-blown BPD (see Table 3 at 2008 JCP Study). Moreover, some psychologists believe adult ADHD may be the same thing as -- or perhaps a subset of -- BPD (see, e.g., Adult ADHD and BPD). Further, many of the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, rapid flips between loving and devaluing you, impulsiveness, temper tantrums, and verbal abuse -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

[Candy_Pants]

Candy, that would not be surprising, given that he's been diagnosed as having both bipolar and ADHD. A third of bipolar-1 sufferers also have full-blown BPD (see Table 3 at 2008 JCP Study). Moreover, some psychologists believe adult ADHD may be the same thing as -- or perhaps a subset of -- BPD (see, e.g., Adult ADHD and BPD). Further, many of the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, rapid flips between loving and devaluing you, impulsiveness, temper tantrums, and verbal abuse -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

I saw the list of BPD qualities you named in the other thread and it was as if you'd been right there with me in my marriage, observing these things. I have a big heart, and I have a problem of trying to love someone enough to take all their hurt away, so I was the perfect partner for someone like him. ("Perfect" in a completely unhealthy way).

 

It breaks my heart that he's caused all his fears to come true, but I can't worry about him any longer. A big part of me hopes that he gets his act together for himself and our child. And I would be so proud to see him in therapy and anger management, but I am not holding my breath. Nor am I going to try to "understand" his psyche. I did that enough while we were together.

 

Today I went about getting legal advice so I can get my ducks in a row in case he tries to control the separation, divorce, or custody. I am hoping for civility and reason, but not expecting it.

 

Right now I am just so thankful this happened before the baby came, as strange as that may sound. I just keep thinking how much safer I'll feel knowing she won't have to see me get yelled at and degraded. So that she doesn't end up thinking this is in any way "normal". I might've tried for too long, but I'll be damned if this precious child has to be around that kind of negativity.

[Citizen Erased]

Right now I am just so thankful this happened before the baby came, as strange as that may sound. I just keep thinking how much safer I'll feel knowing she won't have to see me get yelled at and degraded. So that she doesn't end up thinking this is in any way "normal". I might've tried for too long, but I'll be damned if this precious child has to be around that kind of negativity.

 

Doesn't sound strange at all. You want her to be surrounded by love from day one, that's completely normal.

 

Your precious memories of those first few weeks/months will now be just full of love. Exactly how it should be.

[Poppyolive]

CANDY PANTS!!!!!

 

You're in my thoughts friend. You've got lots of love & support here!!!!!!!

[Million.to.1]

Your resolve is commendable CP, and at such a time!.. what an amazing woman you are. Much respect.

 

I hope you can find time to relax and focus on you and baby over the next few days... and best of luck with the arrival of your buddle! Hope it's short and sweet!

[mrs rubble]

Kia kaha. (Stay strong) Sending you love & best wishes from NZ.

Concentrate on you and your baby, that's all that's important right now.

So sorry to hear you're going through this, sux big time!

[TAV]

Candy, what a challenge life has brought on your path! I can only hope that next to your undeniable strength life will treat you relatively kind so that you can raise this child in the way you intended to raise it.

 

You sound very strong now and full of resolve but the birth of a child is a defining and emotional moment in anyone's life and so be kind to yourself when your emotions, hormones and fears overwhelm you during and after the birth. It is only normal; even a woman in the most secure relationship worries and wonders about the future at such moments. You will find yourself again and you are able to do this, I can guarantee that.

 

As for you wanting to keep the father in the child's life; that is commendable. My ex did not treat me very nice before and after our divorce and certainly put himself ahead of his own children but despite the advice of the people close to me I never hindered his access to his children because I understood I'd be hurting those children the most.

 

However, my ex had proven himself as a father during the years we were still married. You know what they say: Having a baby does not make you a parent - raising one does. But I know you will put your child first, always and I hope for your husband that he realises what a chance he has been given and will be the best father he can be.

 

Also realise you will not be hurting the child when you bring another male role model in his/her life. A child cannot have enough people to be loved by. And you deserve to find what you were looking for in your husband. There is nothing selfish in that.

 

The best of luck to you.

[Downtown]

Candy, I suggest you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It was written by the same guy who wrote Stop Walking on Eggshells.

[Candy_Pants]

Candy, I suggest you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It was written by the same guy who wrote Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Thank you Downtown . I certainly will!! We have to be separated for a year to get a divorce in this state, unless he admits to cheating. He said he would do that just to expedite the divorce (as he still claims innocence). But I doubt he will.

[Candy_Pants]

Just a quick search tells me I definitely need that book!!!

[Imajerk17]

Candy_Pants I salute your strength and resolve in moving on.

 

You have more balls than 99% of the dudes on this site. Awkwardly put I know but its a compliment!

[Candy_Pants]

Candy_Pants I salute your strength and resolve in moving on.

 

You have more balls than 99% of the dudes on this site. Awkwardly put I know but its a compliment!

As the amazing Betty White said, “Why do people say 'grow some balls'? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”

 

Maybe some people would benefit from growing a vagina .

 

And thank you. I never wanted this, but now I have to do what is best for myself and my child. Sink or swim. There is no option to not move on.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

He Candy,

 

Your life, your baby, your choice. But as the daughter of a parent with a personality disorder I would be very clear about boundaries with him and any custodial agreement.

 

I have had a gazillion people argue with me for cutting my mother out of my life, but in all honesty, sometimes that's all you can do to protect yourself and kids.

 

My NPD mother was also the master of parental alienation, just as an FYI. I'm sure you will be able to find heap of support around the net somewhere about how to manage and co parent with personality disordered people.

 

Just remember that you cannot change him, and neither can your daughter. And the cruel irony is that people with personality disorders protect it rather than acknowledge they have a problem. It's ok to cut toxic people out ... Even of they are blood.

 

Take care if yourself mama bear. Relax for now... Just worry about the next phase, then deal with the rest. This is a joyous time. Enjoy it as much as you can. Relax, save your energy and prepare for welcoming your new love. Best of luck

[Candy_Pants]

Like I said, I would be willing to cut him out of my life. But cutting him out of my child's life isn't an option right now (legally), and not something I want to do at this point in time anyway.

 

I know how far he'll go to protect his illness. He just kicked us out of our home for ****'s sake.

 

Sick of talking about him.

[ja123]

I'm so sorry to hear about this, Candy.

 

 

You've made the right decision to get out. Good for you! So many people can't.

 

 

Keep fighting. You're going to make it!!!

 

 

All the best to you and your baby.

[mitchell]

Stay strong for you and your baby. I'll be pulling for you CP!

[Yasuandio]

Dear Candy Pants,

 

I read, love and adore your contributions to LS, and am also one of your many fans. I am not as smart about the disorders as Downtown, but I can tell you, I have developed some of these problems. I am medicated for bi-polar 2, adult ADHD, severe Anxiety, and some otheres that come along with it. It is a long story how my disorders worsened from depression/anxiety to the severity they are today, but the first step is to accept that you have disorder - and that is a fact (that was very hard for me).

 

In my field as a professor, students presenting us such "manic-depression" situations were viewed as an at-risk issue (wrongly), and often created their own problems in the program that required which to work with young children. So to have a Ph.D. and be told my mind is disordered really mortified me. But many smart people (especially artistic, as I am) can develop this type of thing, especially if it runs in the family - and a person is put under terrible stressful situations.

 

Once medicated properly, and seeing you pharmacologist/Psychiatriast on a regular basis, you become somewhat close to the normal person - other than the side effects of the drugs (sleepiness, fatigue, short-term memory loss, some cognitive confusion, etc.). Especially with weekly therapy to keep your head in line. If you don't do both these things, can stuff get out of balance - and may go unnoticed. Diet is extremely important too. It is not a mystery, "WE" are tempted to abuse substance. Must be avoided at all costs.

 

There is also treatment for anger management - which I also participate in. My anger is "pent up" anger. But it a misdeed on another's part to make me mad. Nevertheless, a person must be able to contain themselves, and there is not only therapy for this, but also I found two "Meet-Up" groups!

 

My point is, just because someone has these weido disorders - does not mean they are complete write-offs. Of course, people have to want to be as well as possible. And these disorder are not going away - you'll be treated all your life. A person can even end up disabled, as I am. I do still make mistakes, but I strive to be a "Great Woman," that is my final goal in life.

 

I hope all works out best for you Candy Pants. And this story provides another's side to the personality disorder conundrum. Yas

Edited September 15, 2014 by Yasuandio

[me85]

Candy Pants, I'm sorry you are having to go through what you're going through. Especially while pregnant.

 

BUT...You are an intelligent and humorous individual. I really am rooting for you. I feel like I won't have to root to much though because you seem to be very strong on your own. You have great insight and make others on here feel loads better.

 

I just want to say thank you and keep doing the best you can. I know you will.

[Candy_Pants]

Thank you Yas. I never considered him a write-off. Regardless of the events that took plave in our marriage I will always love him. Even if it is not romantic love. I told him that as long as he continued to get help I would stand by his side. He stopped going to anger management and never tried getting therapy. Then the abuse started up. And *he* kicked me out of our home.

 

The timing was perfect. And I mean that in a serious way. He left us before we could've left him, since that's what he was so sure would happen he created the situation on his own.

 

And nearly a week later he has apologized via text but made no efforts besides this. Not that I would respond favorably anyway.

 

I have my own issues. But I can't fathom kicking my pregnant wife out of our home a week before our first child is due. And abusing my pregnant wife. It is inconcievable. And inexcuseable. And cowardly.