mightycpa Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I just wanted to make someone with the person I loved so much. Our children are OURS, and every once in a while, we still marvel at that. We have 4 of them, all different, all are huge pains in the ass, and every single one of them is a blessing. Usually. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SummerDreams Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 All this conversation going on in this thread about this matter verifies that I was right in the first place; so many reasons to have or to not have kids, so many different opinions, but for me it all comes down to this: Thousands of people get pregnant and have kids every day by mistake, without even having given a little thought to it. Do they regret? No. Do they think about all these thorough thoughts we think here in this thread? No. They just do it and they manage good or bad. So what makes me sad and mad sometimes is the fact that I'm the one person who's actually given this matter a lot of thought, who has identified and accepted her weaknesses and her flaws, who is willing to make sacrifices for her future kid, who has 110% consciously decided that this is what she wants to do, and still I'm being "judged" by people about this decision, while others just get pregnant and there is no room for regrets or judgements. So the question remains: what will be the reason to want to have kids that will satisfy these people? I know I don't need to satisfy strangers or people I don't care much about, but I just want to know what would satisfy them. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 All this conversation going on in this thread about this matter verifies that I was right in the first place; so many reasons to have or to not have kids, so many different opinions, but for me it all comes down to this: Thousands of people get pregnant and have kids every day by mistake, without even having given a little thought to it. Do they regret? No. Do they think about all these thorough thoughts we think here in this thread? No. They just do it and they manage good or bad. So what makes me sad and mad sometimes is the fact that I'm the one person who's actually given this matter a lot of thought, who has identified and accepted her weaknesses and her flaws, who is willing to make sacrifices for her future kid, who has 110% consciously decided that this is what she wants to do, and still I'm being "judged" by people about this decision, while others just get pregnant and there is no room for regrets or judgements. So the question remains: what will be the reason to want to have kids that will satisfy these people? I know I don't need to satisfy strangers or people I don't care much about, but I just want to know what would satisfy them. Just do what you want/desire and dont worry about it.... There probably isnt anything you can say or do... Many people will generally crap on essentially good things that they dont want or cant have...Call it "sour grapes" or maybe "misery loves company"..???.I dunno... Look at how many people that shame or put down wealthy people...They say "yes, but money. cant buy happiness" or "must have got an inheritance"...etc,, They will display this behavior to feel better about themselves and not feel "left out"....classic defense mechanism.. Have kid(s)...Take it from us that do...It will be the most rewarding thing that you will ever experience and you sound like you would make an excellent mom! TFY Link to post Share on other sites
NGC1300 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 No one is saying dont have kids...Thats anyone's right...but at least be honest about why you wont instead of making up ridiculous scenarios... My opinion is that we are now living in an ususual time...Many guys are too immature or irresponsible to deal with the responsibilities of being a proper father...And many women are too self absorbed and into themselves, their careers, or whatever to be able to give of themselves what will be needed to be a proper mother.. So what you have is a bunch of people that either wont have kids, or if they do they treat the kids like a cat or dog, dumping them off at any given moment so that their formerly childless lifestyle isnt compromised... And then people scratch their head at why kids are so effed up??? Huh?? Sounds a lot like you're insinuating people who don't want kids are immature, irresponsible, or self-absorbed by default. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Thousands of people get pregnant and have kids every day by mistake, without even having given a little thought to it. Do they regret? No. Sometimes they do regret it. I've met people who do. So what makes me sad and mad sometimes is the fact that I'm the one person who's actually given this matter a lot of thought, who has identified and accepted her weaknesses and her flaws, who is willing to make sacrifices for her future kid, who has 110% consciously decided that this is what she wants to do, and still I'm being "judged" by people about this decision, while others just get pregnant and there is no room for regrets or judgements. So the question remains: what will be the reason to want to have kids that will satisfy these people? I know I don't need to satisfy strangers or people I don't care much about, but I just want to know what would satisfy them. You put your thoughts out there and asked for judgement. To be "sad and mad" about having your thoughts analyzed when you asked for it is a bit silly (and perhaps even ungrateful), no? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Don't forget about having someone that will cut the grass I don't think one needs to have "reasons".. if you want children then that is perfectly okay.. if you don't then that is also perfectly okay. Having a child has been the ride of my life..it has been trying at times on our marriage but the positives outweigh the negatives... I would do it all over again.... Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Sounds a lot like you're insinuating people who don't want kids are immature, irresponsible, or self-absorbed by default. Many are....some arent... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Author SummerDreams Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 Sometimes they do regret it. I've met people who do. They just get frustrated, but if you ask them "would you prefer you would't have your kid?" they'd say "NO" in a second. You put your thoughts out there and asked for judgement. To be "sad and mad" about having your thoughts analyzed when you asked for it is a bit silly (and perhaps even ungrateful), no? I wasn't talking about people in this thread, just people I know in real life. In the contrary, I very much appreciate the posts in this thread, they make me think. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 They just get frustrated, but if you ask them "would you prefer you would't have your kid?" they'd say "NO" in a second. It's not the norm, but I have met someone who is very clear that she wishes she hadn't had children. It's quite possible that more people feel this way than would admit. And Does anyone else regret having children? | Mumsnet Discussion The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life | Mail Online Joy in parenting is a range for different people. Not everyone feels it. My parents certainly didn't. But some people love parenting. There's no one size fits all. Why are you attached to what people think about your reproductive choices and if they're good enough? Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 I don't want to have kids, EVER. But that's my reason. I don't need a child to take care of me when I am young, I have better chances of affording a caretaker than risking a kid that sees me as a burden. Seriously, listing that you get to have someone who does house chores for you... really? With the money you save on schools, clothes, food, etc, etc, etc... you could easily afford a landscaping service. I've yet to see a single person who wanted children (specially women) give me a GOOD solid NON-selfish reason for having them. BUT, in the same vein, I've yet to give a good solid NON-selfish reason for ME NOT wanting any kids at all. It goes both ways and just like I don't care what parents tell ME about how to live my life, neither should you. You don't NEED reasons to have kids. If you want them, you want them and that should be good enough for anyone else. Also, as a man with no kids, I can tell you, I've met PLENTY of people with them who have told me that I am better off, just as I've met PLENTY of people who tell me I am missing out. But never have I allowed anyone influence my train of thinking, selfish or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 @ OP...sure there is and people seem to be doing it a lot. That is not wanting to work, and collecting child support Link to post Share on other sites
hellon Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 All this conversation going on in this thread about this matter verifies that I was right in the first place; so many reasons to have or to not have kids, so many different opinions, but for me it all comes down to this: Thousands of people get pregnant and have kids every day by mistake, without even having given a little thought to it. Do they regret? No. Do they think about all these thorough thoughts we think here in this thread? No. They just do it and they manage good or bad. So what makes me sad and mad sometimes is the fact that I'm the one person who's actually given this matter a lot of thought, who has identified and accepted her weaknesses and her flaws, who is willing to make sacrifices for her future kid, who has 110% consciously decided that this is what she wants to do, and still I'm being "judged" by people about this decision, while others just get pregnant and there is no room for regrets or judgements. So the question remains: what will be the reason to want to have kids that will satisfy these people? I know I don't need to satisfy strangers or people I don't care much about, but I just want to know what would satisfy them. There will be people who judge you and tell you that you're wrong regardless of if your decision is to have kids, or to not have them. Having an opinion either way and expressing it invites judgement. And while some of your reasons for wanting to have children are thoughtful and valid, some of them are unrealistic (i.e. wanting to be taken care of when you're old), and if the people judging you may just want to make sure you're seeing the whole picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 Multiple kids = bigger home, bigger car, lots of mouth to feed, clothing, sports activities fees, gadgets these days, vacation costs, feeding the whole group, college fees, etc As Judge Judy mention in one episode to a young couple, "you are 27 and have 3 kids already. Stop having kids and get you wife to work". Having more kids is NOT the solution to living a better life. As we all know, the most crazy scenario is the one where a mother has numerous kids by different dads. Funny how 'most' very rich people who can really afford it, do NOT end up having lots of kids. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 Multiple kids = bigger home, bigger car, lots of mouth to feed, clothing, sports activities fees, gadgets these days, vacation costs, feeding the whole group, college fees, etc As Judge Judy mention in one episode to a young couple, "you are 27 and have 3 kids already. Stop having kids and get you wife to work". Having more kids is NOT the solution to living a better life. As we all know, the most crazy scenario is the one where a mother has numerous kids by different dads. Funny how 'most' very rich people who can really afford it, do NOT end up having lots of kids. True.....unfortunately there is no "competence test" for parenthood...two people that can barely fog a mirror can join this club.....and thats pretty sad... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 True.....unfortunately there is no "competence test" for parenthood...two people that can barely fog a mirror can join this club.....and thats pretty sad... TFY And yet, you know, there is: But only for people who truly want children. They truly want the opportunity to have a child, raise it, love it, give it a good home, and education and wonderful possibilities the child may not otherwise have. These parents specifically, are those seeking to adopt. They have to dance a merry dance, go through hoops and fight hell and high water to pass tests, undergo examinations, evaluations and critiques, to prove they can cut it, and are entitled to be parents. It's nothing short of criminal that those truly dedicated to having a child and doing the best they can by it, have to work so hard, and prove so much, to be considered worthy of the task - even though (perhaps) they cannot have biological children of their own, but those who, as you say, can't even fog a mirror, can have one, after the other, after the other, and the only thing they have to contribute is where they're going to pop the sprog... It's just wrong.... Link to post Share on other sites
Darren2013 Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 (edited) It seems that more and more people these days choose not to have kids in order to pursue their careers, live their lives as they want it or simply cause they disagree with having kids in this world. In the contrary I do want to have kids more than anything else in my life, but whenever I talk about this need I have with people, they tend to tell me that my reasons for wanting to have kids are wrong. My reasons are: 1) I feel I have much love to give to a kid, to teach them things, help them become good people, 2) for me to feel important and needed, have a person who is as close to me as nobody else, have a good purpose in life, 3) become accepted and respected by relatives older in age who think your life is meaningful only when you have kids, 4) to feel I've offered something important to the society by raising a person who will help make it better, 5) (selfish reason) to have someone take care of me when I get old. My issue here is that people who don't want kids reject all these reasons as being wrong, thoughtless and/or selfish and I'm wondering, is there any good or correct reason to want to have kids? What do you think? Reason 1 is a good reason. The rest are rather selfish and more about you. As for having someone to take care of you when you get old? There's not a guarantee that will happen if you have kids. There's a chance that they may die before you. We would like to believe that parents always die before their kids because that's the natural order of things but life doesn't always work out that way. We can't always predict who is going to die next in the family. If they die before you then who will take care of you then? You are back to square one. We can't control who lives and does next. Edited September 14, 2014 by Darren2013 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 And yet, you know, there is: But only for people who truly want children. They truly want the opportunity to have a child, raise it, love it, give it a good home, and education and wonderful possibilities the child may not otherwise have. These parents specifically, are those seeking to adopt. They have to dance a merry dance, go through hoops and fight hell and high water to pass tests, undergo examinations, evaluations and critiques, to prove they can cut it, and are entitled to be parents. It's nothing short of criminal that those truly dedicated to having a child and doing the best they can by it, have to work so hard, and prove so much, to be considered worthy of the task - even though (perhaps) they cannot have biological children of their own, but those who, as you say, can't even fog a mirror, can have one, after the other, after the other, and the only thing they have to contribute is where they're going to pop the sprog... It's just wrong.... Thats a good point and I hadn't thought of that....Yet, there are also foster parents that dont give a flying fck for those poor kids-they just do it for the money... But(and I am not sure if this is the direction of your thoughts), there are people like us...We consciously wanted a kid, waited until we were truly comfortable financially, and never complained about the work and effort...All worth it..I can pretty easily afford to bring 10 kids to adulthood comfortably, but had 1...I am happy with my decision..She has, in most ways, given my life some meaning...There was a lot of other crap that absolutely made no sense and gave me a lot of grief. There hasnt been a single moment in time that I have any regrets over it. Ill defend anyone's right to abstain from the process of having kids...Its not for everyone...I get that...Im just glad for every day that I can look at that kid and be proud to be her dad... I got her results from the state standardized testing yesterday..She scored in the top 5% nationally...We are going to spend this perfect weather day doing some stuff she loves, then see her grandma(my mom) for a great Sunday dinner.. I do some good things at work and am proud of those accomplishments...But at the end of the day, nothing comes close to these times...It makes it all worthwhile. Sorry to get sappy... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 No, never apologise for loving someone as strongly as you obviously do. I would just point out that I mentioned adoption, but I understand fostering is a different kettle of fish, financially, which is why I didn't refer to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts