Is there a correct reason to want to have kids?

[aussietigerwolf]

There is no answer/s to that question that will satisfy everyone. ESPECIALLY if these people don't want kids themselves. Btw when you become a parent these same people will become parenting experts that tell you everything you're doing wrong.

[lollipopspot]

4) to feel I've offered something important to the society by raising a person who will help make it better

 

I find this such a weird reason. It's like people who say, "Maybe my kid will cure cancer!" Well, if curing cancer is that important to you, then you try to cure cancer, not put it on someone else who may or may not share that desire. If what you're doing with a considerable amount of time and resources is bringing someone on the planet in order to make it better, what if it's just an endless cycle of people who are fairly average just bringing more fairly average people onto the planet in the hopes that some day one of them might do something good? It's a much more efficient use of time and resources for YOU to try to make society better than to bring someone here who you hope might make things better.

[thefooloftheyear]

Yes....Kids are a mountain of work(if you actually are a proper parent)...and no one should judge anyone for not having kids...

 

Im just thrilled every day that I wake up-when I think of my kid....Knowing that I have someone who is truly a part of me and I really dont care that she is counting on me...Im up to the task...In many ways it gives me purpose to going out and working every day...I have been fortunate..Through hard work I have all of the "small things" in life...This is much bigger...None of that other shyt really matters at the end of the day..

 

Most of the reason people wind up on this site,,its because they have had their heart broken in some way...Strangers are just that-and will do that. ...They are random people you meet on the street, family is totally different...Without procreation there is no family...(relatives, etc)..I am glad and fortunate to have a nice and loving family...

 

I can never repay my mother for what she did for us...It was incredible...

 

Some people live their lives with holes in their hearts..People with kids, never really have those "holes"..

 

I guess I am just rambling here...let me see my beautiful daughter on to her day..

 

TFY

[Lipitor11]

Those are good reasons. Also passing down the family name and having someone take care of you/visiting you in the nursing home are good reasons too.

[hellon]

Those are good reasons. Also passing down the family name and having someone take care of you/visiting you in the nursing home are good reasons too.

 

Nope. "Good for yourself" does not equal "good."

[pink_sugar]

Nope. "Good for yourself" does not equal "good."

 

I agree. You cannot guarantee the passing of family names anymore. What if you don't have any sons? Or what if they don't have children? Or in my husband's case, his dad was his grandparent's only son and he passed away. My husband's brother may not have kids and my husband and I will most likely hyphenate when/if we have kids since I kept my maiden name. So there is a possibility the name won't be passed down. As for someone to care for you, it's better to remain in good health so you can care for yourself as long as possible. (Husband's grandma is 93 and cares for herself just fine..most of the family lives out of town, but she keeps busy with her neighbor friends). Even if you do have kids, there's no guarantee they will visit you all the time.

[dichotomy]

why?

 

Because I wanted to experience unconditional love ....just like my late parents had for me.

[pteromom]

I find this such a weird reason. It's like people who say, "Maybe my kid will cure cancer!" Well, if curing cancer is that important to you, then you try to cure cancer, not put it on someone else who may or may not share that desire. If what you're doing with a considerable amount of time and resources is bringing someone on the planet in order to make it better, what if it's just an endless cycle of people who are fairly average just bringing more fairly average people onto the planet in the hopes that some day one of them might do something good? It's a much more efficient use of time and resources for YOU to try to make society better than to bring someone here who you hope might make things better.

 

I get what you are saying, and agree, but raising a good person who will make a huge difference isn't necessarily the only way to look at this. It also could just be bringing someone into the world who is kind, giving, and happy. Maybe not going to be in the history books, but made a positive impact on those around them and brought a little more light into a world that has more than its share of darkness.

 

As far as the person who talked about "no such thing as pure altruism", that's not what I am talking about. Of COURSE you get something out of being a parent. Love, laughter, and lots of adventure. Your child teaches you as much as you teach them.

 

But you can't go into parenting with this expectation that by having a child, someone will finally love you unconditionally; that finally this hole will be filled; that they will need you and love you and therefore you will feel needed and loved. Because that's just not always the case, so you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

Not to mention putting a huge burden on your child. (If I don't feel loved and needed, it's YOUR fault. You are disappointing me. You aren't the child I expected. Etc. etc. etc)

[preraph]

I have to say that kids don't always love you unconditionally and if they do, it rarely lasts past the tweens. You certainly can't count on them taking care of you when you're old. If that were the case, we wouldn't have nursing homes on every corner. No one can afford to quit their job to take care of someone. And the reality is once a person really needs a caretaker, one person won't do. It takes at least two people to turn you or change you or pick you up if you fall.

[Million.to.1]

I have to say that kids don't always love you unconditionally and if they do, it rarely lasts past the tweens. You certainly can't count on them taking care of you when you're old. If that were the case, we wouldn't have nursing homes on every corner. No one can afford to quit their job to take care of someone. And the reality is once a person really needs a caretaker, one person won't do. It takes at least two people to turn you or change you or pick you up if you fall.

 

I think unconditionally loving THEM, is what dictocomy meant... Not being loved unconditionally. A parents love is Always (usually) stronger than a childs for the parent. That's life too.

I remember my mum always telling me I would never understand how much she loved me and would sacrifice for me untill I had children of my own.

 

...as for nursing homes... of course. That doesn't mean people don't care about their elderly family members...

I'm perfectly fine with being in a nursing home.. I'm sure my family will visit me regularly. I wouldn't expect them to give up their lives to care for me... but I do want people around who care.

 

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to die alone in this world.

[FitChick]

why?

 

Because I wanted to experience unconditional love ....just like my late parents had for me.

 

There is no guarantee your kids will love you. They might not even like you. Then what will you do?

[thefooloftheyear]

There is no guarantee your kids will love you. They might not even like you. Then what will you do?

 

Unless you were a total douche, that doesnt happen...Not that I have ever seen, anyway...

 

Most people, in general, appreciate others that are committed to them and give of themselves...kids are no different...

 

When you hear of the stories of kids that alienate their parents, there are usually factors that you never hear of..

 

Even if all of what I said is bullshyt, (which it isnt), then your logic is still flawed..

 

I mean, do you go through life avoiding possible good things, because they might go bad?....Thats just a ridiculous way to live..

 

.02

 

TFY

[evanescentworld]

Unless you were a total douche, that doesnt happen...Not that I have ever seen, anyway...

 

Most people, in general, appreciate others that are committed to them and give of themselves...kids are no different...

 

When you hear of the stories of kids that alienate their parents, there are usually factors that you never hear of..

 

Even if all of what I said is bullshyt, (which it isnt), then your logic is still flawed..

 

I mean, do you go through life avoiding possible good things, because they might go bad?....Thats just a ridiculous way to live..

 

Read this post, then read your signature, and the correlation just made me laugh a little....

[littleplanet]

Of course it's all about logic, OP.

It's built right into the fabric.

If people didn't have kids (and good reasons for having them) we'd soon become as redundant as dinosaurs. An afterthought.

 

On the other hand, these days - people can also have excellent reasons for not wanting to have kids.....but those reasons are not much connected to any natural order of things, and sometimes those reasons are connected to other things that are horrifically wrong with this world.

Hence: comes the myriad of astonishingly wonderful rationalizations for deferring the pleasure.

 

But I think wanting kids is about as primal an urge as a human being ever feels.

As a boomer, I grew up in an era where people didn't so much 'prepare' to have kids.....they just had them. It was the most powerful social definer of the era.

 

Now you will note that most developed nations of the world are deeply immersed in zero population growth. Hence, the massive immigration influx to beef up the numbers.

 

In developed nations, kids have become huge expenses (and also huge liabilities.) They didn't used to be. They were just small humans.

I recall being a small human, actually.

It was quite something to be.

Living right in the lap of a most luxurious freedom. It was wonderful.

 

We may think this is all about the heart. (And that's not a bad thing in the mix.)

But it is also buried deep within our need to provide a personal vote of confidence to our future on this planet. As good productive citizens.

 

The strength of a nation is in its clans. And the strength of those clans stands squarely on the institution of the family. It is foundational.

No other model or design will ever replace that, or do as good a job.

To believe otherwise, is pure science fiction.

Kids do not thrive on fiction.

They thrive on familial love. (which is the most obvious thing they ever needed.)

But yes, of course - love is not science.

But it is very....very.....human.

 

God bless the Child.

[evanescentworld]

Of course it's all about logic, OP.

It's built right into the fabric.

There is nothing 'logical' whatsoever, about making children. That it's "built into the fabric" is also debatable, but that in and of itself does not align with logic, necessarily.

 

If people didn't have kids (and good reasons for having them) we'd soon become as redundant as dinosaurs. An afterthought.

 

On the other hand, these days - people can also have excellent reasons for not wanting to have kids.....but those reasons are not much connected to any natural order of things, and sometimes those reasons are connected to other things that are horrifically wrong with this world.

How about just not wanting to have kids, because you don't want them? I think that's a pretty sound decision and actually, quite 'right' for this world.

At one point in the perhaps not-too-distant-future, feeding humans is going to become an unsustainable process....

Hence: comes the myriad of astonishingly wonderful rationalizations for deferring the pleasure.

"Pleasure"....? For some, and not even always, for others....!

 

But I think wanting kids is about as primal an urge as a human being ever feels.

I disagree. It's an urge driven by hormones, but I personally wouldn't call it 'primal'... many women do not have the urge, at all, in any way whatsoever....

As a boomer, I grew up in an era where people didn't so much 'prepare' to have kids.....they just had them. It was the most powerful social definer of the era.

Why? In what way?

 

Now you will note that most developed nations of the world are deeply immersed in zero population growth. Hence, the massive immigration influx to beef up the numbers.

That's not the reason for immigration. primarily, the reason is financial exploitation of foreign nationals who don't know their rights... But this is straying into off-topic political arenas....

 

In developed nations, kids have become huge expenses (and also huge liabilities.) They didn't used to be. ......

And why do you think that is?

I recall being a small human, actually.

It was quite something to be.

Living right in the lap of a most luxurious freedom. It was wonderful.

I'm sorry, you really sound as if you live in an Ivory Tower.... Far too many people in abject poverty are having far too many children in far from luxurious freedom....

 

We may think this is all about the heart. (And that's not a bad thing in the mix.)

But it is also buried deep within our need to provide a personal vote of confidence to our future on this planet. As good productive citizens.

I'm sorry, that's just tosh. I have yet to meet anyone who truly has a child for the good of the future of the planet (hah!!) or to be 'productive citizens'....

 

The strength of a nation is in its clans. And the strength of those clans stands squarely on the institution of the family. It is foundational.

No other model or design will ever replace that, or do as good a job.

To believe otherwise, is pure science fiction......

 

To believe otherwise is to take those rose-tinted spec's off....

 

They thrive on familial love. (which is the most obvious thing they ever needed.)

and which sadly, an altogether too vast a number of them do not get.

But yes, of course - love is not science.

But it is very....very.....human.

And it's not enough, and it's certainly not the driving factor.

 

God bless the Child.

God help us all if we don't slow down the birth rate Vs. the death rate, soon....

Edited September 11, 2014 by evanescentworld

[thefooloftheyear]

Read this post, then read your signature, and the correlation just made me laugh a little....

 

 

well....That quote does not refer to family or close friends.....everyone else? Absolutely...

 

TFY

[beatcuff]

children will drain your money, time and emotion. they want all you have and then demand more. the stress is off the charts.

 

then the teen years arrive: those all go up exponentially. seriously when was the last time 'childless adults' were staring out the window at 1 am wondering where your --------

 

then you see those childless couples: and their toys and their leisure time and they talk about their latest vacation adventure.

 

which leads to ----- i wouldn't change it.

 

BTW i have 4.

[serial muse]

There is no guarantee your kids will love you. They might not even like you. Then what will you do?

 

As Million.to.1 pointed out, I think the poster was saying she would feel the unconditional love for her kids. Like her parents did.

 

OP, I don't think it's much worth asking everyone else what's a "good" reason to have kids. There's no moral absolute in the question; it's just a matter of opinion. And any person's choices are always going to be a combination of selfish and unselfish reasoning, whether it's to have kids or not. There is no absolute right answer.

[central]

People want children due to a biological urge. Any reasons are rationalizations, but that's not bad unless your conscious motives are unhealthy or delusional.

[Atticus9292012]

I agree with Central. It is in our biological nature as animals to further our species. Some people make a rational decision to not have children. For many years I "wanted" children, but could I explain logically why? No. I then went through a phase where I decided not to because I had such a traumatic upbringing I was scared to repeat history. I got pregnant by mistake, which honestly in this day and time was ridiculous, but I kept the baby and I love being a mother. I don't think I'll have any more of my own. There are so many unwanted children in this world I'd rather foster or adopt. I would like to do that because I want to help them. It's hard to explain logically.

[thefooloftheyear]

People give all kinds of reasons for not having kids..

 

The world is overpopulated and there isnt enough food....

 

Well....considering that I have never asked anyone else to feed me or my kid-then how the hell does that pertain to me or the millions of others that do the same..?

 

There are no guarantees your kid will love you..

 

Well, helloooo....outside of taxes and dying, what is guaranteed? Should that stop you from doing things you'd like to do or might perhaps become something very special..?

 

It costs too much...and takes too much time.

 

Ask any good parent..theyll likely tell you that its all worth every penny..

 

 

I could go on and on...

 

No one is saying dont have kids...Thats anyone's right...but at least be honest about why you wont instead of making up ridiculous scenarios...

 

My opinion is that we are now living in an ususual time...Many guys are too immature or irresponsible to deal with the responsibilities of being a proper father...And many women are too self absorbed and into themselves, their careers, or whatever to be able to give of themselves what will be needed to be a proper mother..

 

So what you have is a bunch of people that either wont have kids, or if they do they treat the kids like a cat or dog, dumping them off at any given moment so that their formerly childless lifestyle isnt compromised...

 

And then people scratch their head at why kids are so effed up??? Huh??

 

TFY

[littleplanet]

There is nothing 'logical' whatsoever, about making children. That it's "built into the fabric" is also debatable, but that in and of itself does not align with logic, necessarily.

 

 

How about just not wanting to have kids, because you don't want them? I think that's a pretty sound decision and actually, quite 'right' for this world.

At one point in the perhaps not-too-distant-future, feeding humans is going to become an unsustainable process....

 

"Pleasure"....? For some, and not even always, for others....!

 

I disagree. It's an urge driven by hormones, but I personally wouldn't call it 'primal'... many women do not have the urge, at all, in any way whatsoever....

Why? In what way?

 

 

That's not the reason for immigration. primarily, the reason is financial exploitation of foreign nationals who don't know their rights... But this is straying into off-topic political arenas....

 

And why do you think that is?

I'm sorry, you really sound as if you live in an Ivory Tower.... Far too many people in abject poverty are having far too many children in far from luxurious freedom....

 

I'm sorry, that's just tosh. I have yet to meet anyone who truly has a child for the good of the future of the planet (hah!!) or to be 'productive citizens'....

 

 

 

To believe otherwise is to take those rose-tinted spec's off....

 

and which sadly, an altogether too vast a number of them do not get.

 

And it's not enough, and it's certainly not the driving factor.

 

 

God help us all if we don't slow down the birth rate Vs. the death rate, soon....

 

 

 

 

Well that was about as much fun as getting an English Lit essay graded.

 

We may be indeed, very grateful that the natural universe and all its machinations are quite logical. The last time I checked, gravity still held my feet to the ground. Just as all organisms are born to procreate, one way or another. Whether they do or not remains moot.

 

The problem with feeding humans is that we're silly enough to commodify food. Beyond its affordability. But that is economics, politics, and greed.

Nothing to do with our inherent ability to actually feed ourselves.

 

And hormones are not primal? Oh my. Hormones rock the free and not-so-free world. Always have.

 

If rich nations weren't practising ZPG like billy-ho, what do you suppose would happen to that flow of people around the planet?

 

We are free to leave off and just have cats, I suppose.

Humanity's problems are not served or solved by turning off the switch.

Good sex was never a divine substitute for good brains.

 

If you don't actually hate people, it becomes apparent that many are actually born to grow up and benefit the cause of the human experiment....and to become productive citizens. Parenthood invites unique opportunities for the teachable and the taught. My children verify that, well enough.

[pink_sugar]

People give all kinds of reasons for not having kids..

 

The world is overpopulated and there isnt enough food....

 

Well....considering that I have never asked anyone else to feed me or my kid-then how the hell does that pertain to me or the millions of others that do the same..?

 

There are no guarantees your kid will love you..

 

Well, helloooo....outside of taxes and dying, what is guaranteed? Should that stop you from doing things you'd like to do or might perhaps become something very special..?

 

It costs too much...and takes too much time.

 

Ask any good parent..theyll likely tell you that its all worth every penny..

 

 

I could go on and on...

 

No one is saying dont have kids...Thats anyone's right...but at least be honest about why you wont instead of making up ridiculous scenarios...

 

My opinion is that we are now living in an ususual time...Many guys are too immature or irresponsible to deal with the responsibilities of being a proper father...And many women are too self absorbed and into themselves, their careers, or whatever to be able to give of themselves what will be needed to be a proper mother..

 

So what you have is a bunch of people that either wont have kids, or if they do they treat the kids like a cat or dog, dumping them off at any given moment so that their formerly childless lifestyle isnt compromised...

 

And then people scratch their head at why kids are so effed up??? Huh??

 

TFY

 

This seems like the classic argument that people have bad reasons for choosing not to have kids or they must be self absorbed or selfish to have kids. There is truth to discrimination against working mothers...less likely to get a raise, less likely to get promoted...especially if you're taking more time off than your childless peers who have to work more to make up for your absence. What's wrong with wanting to focus on growing your career or lead a fulfilling life by volunteering to help society? Some people want to put more energy on raising children to feel fulfilled that way and others want to lead a fulfilling career. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not about being selfish, it's just about some people choosing not to have kids. And yes, finances are a huge factor. The reality is that kids do cost a lot of money and if you're living check to check...it's very difficult to have a child on top of that adding to all that stress. IMO, if you can barely feed yourself, you should not be having children. I had someone at work ask me yesterday why my husband and I don't have kids yet. I'm only 25, why do I need to rush into having kids right now just because I'm married? Maybe we want to wait awhile until we're more established.

Edited September 12, 2014 by pink_sugar

[dichotomy]

There is no guarantee your kids will love you. They might not even like you. Then what will you do?

 

 

It was meant (as some figured) as one way unconditional love for my child, like my parents had for me.

 

As a parent of two children - one young and one older, I know its often very one way, and even hostile from the other side. Does not matter, that's the joy and pain and amazing state of unconditional love for your child.

 

It also frankly brought me (if a bit too late) to a greater love for my late parents who I was a PITA many times, but they never waivered in their love for me and to be there for me, and it is my joy to do so for my own.

 

and when the kids are little - their love and admiration for you is a joy among the highest feelings - even if fleeting- I will still take those times.

 

I also would like to add to the reasons.... family connection, family legacy, what ever you call it. Perhaps sentimental, perhaps some sappy "circle of life" crap......but as much as my family members have had their faults - they have also had greatness. With my parents gone - I see them in my daughter, and nieces and nephews,..i feel connected to past, and future. To feel part of an ongoing tapestry of my family to be a part of something.

Edited September 12, 2014 by dichotomy

[Got it]

I think unconditionally loving THEM, is what dictocomy meant... Not being loved unconditionally. A parents love is Always (usually) stronger than a childs for the parent. That's life too.

I remember my mum always telling me I would never understand how much she loved me and would sacrifice for me untill I had children of my own.

 

...as for nursing homes... of course. That doesn't mean people don't care about their elderly family members...

I'm perfectly fine with being in a nursing home.. I'm sure my family will visit me regularly. I wouldn't expect them to give up their lives to care for me... but I do want people around who care.

 

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to die alone in this world.

 

"make no mistake about it, we all die alone". Up In The Air

 

[as Ryan and Natalie enter the Hilton Miami Airport Hotel]

Natalie Keener: How about just not dying alone?

Ryan Bingham: Starting when I was 12, we moved each one of my grandparents into a nursing facility. My parents went the same way. Make no mistake, we all die alone. Now those cult members in San Diego, with the sneakers and the Kool-Aid, they didn't die alone. I'm just saying there are options.