I think I am the other woman, I don't know how I feel

[2sunny]

I'm just tired of being so lonely lol I guess that is the thing. I just watch everyone around me get into relationships and I still cannot get into one.

 

Just because people are in a relationship doesn't mean that it's happy or healthy.

 

Take a look at Ray and Janay Rice.

 

Better to find out how you can be happy on your own first before meeting any guy. That way you make a healthier choice for yourself.

[whichwayisup]

I'm just tired of being so lonely lol I guess that is the thing. I just watch everyone around me get into relationships and I still cannot get into one.

 

Then stop making 'relationships' your highest priority. You're young, so LIVE LIFE!

 

Take a trip somewhere, go to Europe with friends, or some other destination.

 

For whatever reason, the timing isn't right..Maybe that means a great guy is waiting in the wings when you truly are ready. Your actions and getting involved with someone who is engaged isn't helping, it's harming and doing damage to yourself.

[Natsu21]

I'm a blunt person, my opinion usually isn't popular but I'm going to speak my mind. Judging by what this woman said about this man having a country accent, I can almost bet she's from the Southern United States. Probably a country girl. Why is that significant? Culture. Most of said culture is a modernization of Biblical principles, especially in my state: Alabama.

 

The small town(or even big city) country culture discourages women from being independent and views them as ugly or undesirable if they can not find a country man to provide for them financially while they settle down and have kids. For that culture, it's the ultimate goal: finding a man.

 

This woman might just be a warped result of the culture she grew up in. I'm surrounded by it, and here, girls will fall apart if they can't find a country guy with a steady job, so many of them will go after married men just for the financial security alone, because they are either too scared to work on their dreams, or they don't believe they can and are looking for someone to take care of them instead. They want to have a baby before they get older, for some convoluted fear that in their 30s their child will have multiple health problems.

 

Clearly, OP is lacking ambition and purpose in her life, and views landing a man of his financial and social status a high priority. He's a major challenge, which turns women on, but the pursuit could ultimately kill her self-esteem and ruin her chance at a future. Chances are she isn't going to listen to us because she doesn't know what to do with herself.

 

Truth is, people come and go. She COULD have landed him, but trust me, if he would do that to his future wife, he'll do it to her. Ask Tori Spelling. Go on, ask her.

 

 

It's not the guy OP wants, it's the pure idea of being a housewife with a financially secure and desirable man. Status be damned in her eyes. She doesn't think she'll land a guy of similar repertoire. A woman would put up a LOT of crap for a man with looks and money. Not all, but sadly, most of them will. And that is ESPECIALLY true here in the South.

 

OP needs to stop trying to fit the standards on her culture and try to find out what she really wants in life, because trust me, even if she were to marry him, she wouldn't have an out. She'd be so financially dependent on him that he'll have free reign to cheat and treat her like absolute crap, and he'll know she'll never leave him.

 

Trust me, I've seen women stay for that very reason, and a few of them committed suicide. Their children watch this and they end up repeating the cycle.

 

Let him go. You'll be thanking yourself in the future for fighting your desire and settling for a cheater.

 

Natsu21.

Edited September 11, 2014 by Natsu21

[jellybean89]

A person does their most growing and changing during their 20's. Look around at late 30- early 40 year olds...many are on 2nd marriages. Know why? Cause those that marry too young tend to out grow their partner because of maturity issues. One is a partner who won't grow up, one can't keep a job, doesn't know what to "be" for a living.

 

Right now, you should be focusing on YOU, not having some dude to make babies with. I am guessing you truly have no idea how demanding and draining it is to raise a child....thankless years of your life, stress over not having financial stability, stress of losing your partner to parenthood.

 

Once you really understand priorities, you will laugh at how ridiculous it sounds that you are so lustful over a committed douche. Yes, being a parent is an important priority for some people. But a person should be mature enough to handle the responsibilities that come with parenting - for the child's sake. Too many people are having kids without knowing what the heck their purpose in life is about. Too many young females think getting pregnant equals a stable life...look around..look at how many people are divorced and raising kids alone. So many single parents barely live above the poverty line. Too much focus on having a kid without a solid foundation for that child. How is that fair to a child?? So many women having multiple children with multiple men, looking for someone to take care of them.

 

Some of the sexiest traits a woman can have are independence, stability, reachable goals and determination. I don't know any guys who want to share a future with desperate, needy, immature women who have no idea who they are. Men will have sex with them, but they won't plan a future with them

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

A person does their most growing and changing during their 20's. Look around at late 30- early 40 year olds...many are on 2nd marriages. Know why? Cause those that marry too young tend to out grow their partner because of maturity issues. One is a partner who won't grow up, one can't keep a job, doesn't know what to "be" for a living.

 

Right now, you should be focusing on YOU, not having some dude to make babies with. I am guessing you truly have no idea how demanding and draining it is to raise a child....thankless years of your life, stress over not having financial stability, stress of losing your partner to parenthood.

 

Once you really understand priorities, you will laugh at how ridiculous it sounds that you are so lustful over a committed douche. Yes, being a parent is an important priority for some people. But a person should be mature enough to handle the responsibilities that come with parenting - for the child's sake. Too many people are having kids without knowing what the heck their purpose in life is about. Too many young females think getting pregnant equals a stable life...look around..look at how many people are divorced and raising kids alone. So many single parents barely live above the poverty line. Too much focus on having a kid without a solid foundation for that child. How is that fair to a child?? So many women having multiple children with multiple men, looking for someone to take care of them.

 

Some of the sexiest traits a woman can have are independence, stability, reachable goals and determination. I don't know any guys who want to share a future with desperate, needy, immature women who have no idea who they are. Men will have sex with them, but they won't plan a future with them

Maybe that is why he is with her and not me. It isn't that I have no direction. I am in grad school in a program that I love and can't wait to start a career in. I just like the stability of having someone. I was in a really short relationship a year ago and it was amazing, I loved every minute of being with him. I wanted so much to just be together and get married one day and have babies with him. He didn't have the same goals. I just don't want to be old when I have kids. I want to be a young mom but at 23 I am already passing the young mom age.

 

I will take the advice though because I don't want to be someone who would do that. I wouldn't want it done to me.

[georgia girl]

Keep Calm,

 

 

Can an old lady give you some advice? You're lonely at 23 and that's a little tough to take. Especially when your friends are getting into relationships, getting married, having babies... it's tough. How do I know? I had to do the same thing.

 

 

But here's the deal - the very thing you want the most - you are deliberately sabotaging by pursuing a relationship with this man. Why? Because you have chosen someone unavailable. In your heart (and in your mind), you are thinking, "Maybe he'll choose me," "At least he wants me for now," "I'm in love, isn't that enough?"

 

 

The answer is that no, it's not enough and you are sacrificing a long-term goal - meeting the man of your dreams - with a short-term aim - having someone you can be infatuated with now.

 

 

I was a lot like you. While I never got involved with a married man, I did fall for the emotionally unavailable. If you were a commitment-phobe, I found you irresistible. And I did this not until my 30's but through my 30's. When I turned 42, I met my Mr. Now. He was simply my Mr. Now. Not my Mr. Right, not my Mr. Right Now. Just my Mr. Now.

 

 

We spent time together and I enjoyed that time. But, I never invested in this guy any more than I felt like he was investing in me. We had a very good casual relationship. Then, one day, we suffered a tragic event together. I realized that I loved this man more than life and he realized he loved me. We are now married and I have never been so happy.

 

 

So why share this story? Because I want you to avoid my mistake. I could have found Mr. Now years prior. But no, I went for the unavailable men and I wasted time. I can't regret it now because I honestly have never felt so blessed. But, when I see someone like you - someone desperate to be in love and willing to sacrifice who she is for some semblance of a relationship, I have to say something.

 

 

It can be so hard to wait for the right guy. To go about your business and wait for the guy who you like and who will invest emotionally in you first. But if you do, I promise the right guy comes around. Not always in your timeframe. And yes, you'll be going to some weddings by yourself, you'll buy baby shower gifts and wonder if you'll ever have that experience. Try not to run out of hope and be so very true to yourself. If I could give you any advice - never settle for less. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. In my book, that's a man who can come to you free of encumbrance and willing to invest in you and your relationship as much as you are willing to do. It's worth the wait.

 

 

Hugs, GG

[bentleychic]

The sooner you get out, the better. If you can't/don't, at least don't let yourself fall in love with him.

 

A's rarely turn out well and someone gets hurt almost every time...normally the OW or OM.

 

Good luck.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

The sooner you get out, the better. If you can't/don't, at least don't let yourself fall in love with him.

 

A's rarely turn out well and someone gets hurt almost every time...normally the OW or OM.

 

Good luck.

 

It's so unfair. Not having to give him up. Just that she gets him.

[whichwayisup]

It's so unfair. Not having to give him up. Just that she gets him.

 

This is ego and sour grapes talking. Come on, you don't want this guy. He has you roped, you think he's the King and he ain't all that. He's a liar, a cheater and no prize.

[bentleychic]

It's so unfair. Not having to give him up. Just that she gets him.

I do understand that sentiment. But she had him first and he's obviously not leaving.

 

Also, sweetheart, if you're lonely, being with a MM does not make it better. It actually magnifies those feelings, IMO. Especially when you see/hear about him and her going out and doing things together, etc.

 

It's one of the f****** hardest things I've ever done and I think it will be my biggest regret of my life, no matter how it turns out. (B/c I'm still in after 2 years and I love him, but I wish the current me could have told the old me what I know now.)

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

I do understand that sentiment. But she had him first and he's obviously not leaving.

 

Also, sweetheart, if you're lonely, being with a MM does not make it better. It actually magnifies those feelings, IMO. Especially when you see/hear about him and her going out and doing things together, etc.

 

It's one of the f****** hardest things I've ever done and I think it will be my biggest regret of my life, no matter how it turns out. (B/c I'm still in after 2 years and I love him, but I wish the current me could have told the old me what I know now.)

 

I just have to get over it. I want a family so much and I don't want to do something to hinder getting that.

[OffRail]

I just have to get over it. I want a family so much and I don't want to do something to hinder getting that.

 

Exactly ! If you want a family - which includes a stable husband for you and a father for your children - let this one go. He isn't for you.

 

And as for his girlfriend "getting" him, sorry, she doesn't get him, she had him first before you poked your nose into her relationship and tried to steal him from her. Too bad for you, he isn't interested in you as anything but a source of orgasm. Yes, I know that sounds harsh, but it is what it is. And the more time you spend pining for him, the more time you lose working on yourself, bettering yourself, and preparing yourself to meet the great love of YOUR life.

 

Most of his attractiveness for you stems from his unavailability. And it is astounding that you are jealous of his girlfriend... This guy is scum who trolls the Internet for vulnerable women, uses them for sex, then runs out and gets engaged to the woman he has been cheating on for who knows how long ? Sounds quite the catch to me !

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Exactly ! If you want a family - which includes a stable husband for you and a father for your children - let this one go. He isn't for you.

 

And as for his girlfriend "getting" him, sorry, she doesn't get him, she had him first before you poked your nose into her relationship and tried to steal him from her. Too bad for you, he isn't interested in you as anything but a source of orgasm. Yes, I know that sounds harsh, but it is what it is. And the more time you spend pining for him, the more time you lose working on yourself, bettering yourself, and preparing yourself to meet the great love of YOUR life.

 

Most of his attractiveness for you stems from his unavailability. And it is astounding that you are jealous of his girlfriend... This guy is scum who trolls the Internet for vulnerable women, uses them for sex, then runs out and gets engaged to the woman he has been cheating on for who knows how long ? Sounds quite the catch to me !

 

He said he had never done it before which I know seems dumb but I believe him. She had him, yes, but obviously he doesn't give a crap about her or he wouldn't cheat on her. I didn't try to steal him I just slept with him 1 time.

[OffRail]

He said he had never done it before which I know seems dumb but I believe him. She had him, yes, but obviously he doesn't give a crap about her or he wouldn't cheat on her. I didn't try to steal him I just slept with him 1 time.

 

EXACTLY !!! This guy is a selfish jerk who only cares for himself and his own needs. Is that the kind of guy you want to be married to and have children with ? Think about it and you will be over him in a snap.

 

As for not trying to steal him, well, had he left her for you, would you have felt happy or not ? You still want him - a man who belongs to someone else - and well, that is stealing him from her in my books.

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER !!!

[2sunny]

I just have to get over it. I want a family so much and I don't want to do something to hinder getting that.

 

And how do you expect to fulfill that dream when you're focused on an unavailable choice in this man?

[PreciousOne]

This girl is lucky she gets to marry him and be happy. I mean she doesn't even know! So right now she gets to be happy. He is a good guy anyone would be lucky to be with him. I am just not sure what to do. I am not going to lie I like sex with him too, at least I don't have to worry about a higher number. Any advice for me?

 

 

He has been cheating on her with you but she's lucky because she is marrying a piece of **** and is obviously in the dark about it. How does that work. If that's luck I wonder what it is to be unlucky. He may have good characteristics but he's not a good guy. Men are aware of the pain they cause women by cheating but that doesn't stop them.

 

 

Please just walk away from him read the endless posts about people who have been the OTHER and see that that's no way to live.

 

 

I wish I would've had someone to warn me about the hurt that came along with being the OTHER. It's terrible loving someone,wanting someone who feels that way about someone else. \

 

 

SPARE YOURSELF THE PAIN AND CUT TIES NOW!!!!!!!!

[goodyblue]

I was OW and Bentleychic is correct in her sentiment that it amplifies feelings of loneliness. He will only be available to you when he can/wants.

 

I don't usually agree with disclosure but in cases like these when they are not even married yet, I think you should find her and tell her. You could be a real blessing and stop her from making the biggest mistake of her life. Not even married and he is cheating. Finding women on the skeeziest dating site on the web.

 

I have several children. I had my first at 20 and my last at 39, and I will tell you I am a MUCH better mother now than I was in my early 20's. Maturity and life experience are wonderful things.

 

Work on yourself. Make yourself someone that a man would want to spend bis life with, but do it for you. He will show up when you least expect.

 

Chin up.

Edited September 17, 2014 by goodyblue