I think I am the other woman, I don't know how I feel

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Why would he do that? I mean why me? He obviously has to think something about me, like I am pretty or funny or smart.

 

Or just..you know, available?

[CarrieT]

It is really sad because I have been in that situation before. I got totally thrown under the bus and it was awful.

Which begs the question - WHY ARE YOU DOING IT AGAIN?!?!?

 

You know how awful it is. You have experience in how it all ravels apart and destroys people. Why are you involved in yet the same scenario???

[Zahara]

It is really sad because I have been in that situation before. I got totally thrown under the bus and it was awful. That was years ago, the funny thing is he married the girl he cheated on (they also had a kid). Another example of bad, undeserving people who still manage to find someone to date and marry. Not saying the fiancee in this situation is bad or undeserving but she would marry him regardless. At 27 after being with someone for 4 years would you really leave over 1 indiscretion?

 

And you are doing it again? You're going for therapy to work on your self-esteem, but what would be the point of that when you are making conscious decisions to keep damaging it. It's counter productive.

 

You justify being with a man that treats you like rubbish because you can't find anyone else to date. It's so hard to grasp your mindset.

 

And no, it's not because you are smart or funny -- it's because you're available. Men like him aren't looking for value in a woman, they're looking for what's easy.

[Natsu21]

And you are doing it again? You're going for therapy to work on your self-esteem, but what would be the point of that when you are making conscious decisions to keep damaging it. It's counter productive.

 

You justify being with a man that treats you like rubbish because you can't find anyone else to date. It's so hard to grasp your mindset.

 

And no, it's not because you are smart or funny -- it's because you're available. Men like him aren't looking for value in a woman, they're looking for what's easy.

 

Actually, most men are looking for what's easy.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

And you are doing it again? You're going for therapy to work on your self-esteem, but what would be the point of that when you are making conscious decisions to keep damaging it. It's counter productive.

 

You justify being with a man that treats you like rubbish because you can't find anyone else to date. It's so hard to grasp your mindset.

 

And no, it's not because you are smart or funny -- it's because you're available. Men like him aren't looking for value in a woman, they're looking for what's easy.

 

Why can't I find someone like him? (a non-cheater though). I just want a relationship like their's I mean they seem happy, other than this. I hate seeming easy, I'm not a slut or anything

[Zahara]

Why can't I find someone like him? (a non-cheater though). I just want a relationship like their's I mean they seem happy, other than this. I hate seeming easy, I'm not a slut or anything

 

I almost want to knock you upside the head to wake you up from your fantasy.

 

You want a relationship like their's -- so you want a relationship where a man cheats on you? You're in some lalaland -- minus the cheating? Focus on the reality of who he is not on a pretty image you have created in your head. And even if you can't find that type of relationship, the alternative is to sleep with a douchebag?

 

You hate seeming easy, then don't present yourself to be easy. That's just how he sees you. Easy and available to his needs.

 

To Add: I don't mean "easy" as slut but easy as in he doesn't have to put any effort into you for you to be available for him.

Edited September 10, 2014 by Zahara

[Pinklotus]

This guy is no prize, and his fiancée is NOT lucky. Anything but. I don't care how many degrees he has or how cute he is or what. He's a d$4k. He's cheating on her and not even married yet. What will his excuse be when he is married? What a jerk. You are so young, you shouldn't even be worried about getting married yet. Find yourself, live your life. Keep up the therapy and find out why you are attracted to men who clearly don't value you and are even abusers. You deserve better.

 

There are good looking, successful men out there who are also faithful, and they are worth waiting for. Be picky. It's not like your biological clock is ticking yet!!!

I had my first child at 36, for goodness' sake. You have plenty of time.

 

Get away from him NOW. No contact, no talking, ever. Done.

[veggirl]

Honestly you sound so desperate and it's sad. You are friggin 23, you are SO YOUNG. Having this random timeline of "kids and husband by 30" is so ridiculous and will set you up for failure. You need to seriously address your self-esteem issues and put dating IN THE TRASH for now. You will end up in another abusive relationship, a relationship where you are cheated on, etc, until you sort out what the REAL problem is. You are not emotionally or mentally healthy and you will not attract guys who are until you are too!

 

Seriously forget dating, concentrate on therapy. This is your SECOND time being a side-chick?! Your posts are soo sad, guys smell that desperation a mile away. This guy did!

[whatatangledweb]

I just don't know what to do at this point to meet someone.

He and I haven't seen each other in a year. It is an odd situation because I feel like he is torn too. He doesn't want to cheat on her but he does. Like he will say "no we can't do anything no we aren't going to have sex again" but then he will ask me to come to his job for a quickie (which I haven't done because thats trashy) or he will tell me that he can only talk in the mornings because he is at work or something. I don't want to settle and be treated badly or used but at the same time having someone interested feels better than no one.

 

Now I am really confused. You have not seen nor had sex with him in a year? And he only contacts you in the morning at work? This not a relationship that is going anywhere. It sounds more like he is pulling away slowly hoping you go away on your own. That way you don't get ticked and tell his GF/F.

 

Look you are 23 and desperate to hurry and get married. That is a huge turn off. Relationships don't turn into getting married over night. Men your age are not just looking to get married. Mainly finding someone to contact with and slowly build a relationship. You start talking kids and marriage right away and they will run, no matter how old they are.

[jellybean89]

I wish I could just easily find someone

 

Why are you so obsessed with finding someone at 23???????

 

Why would he do that? I mean why me? He obviously has to think something about me, like I am pretty or funny or smart. The thing is I don't love him or anything. I mean if he actually wanted a relationship I would love to be with him but I know there are other guys out there. I just can't get them to date me either lol

 

Quite bluntly, because you were easy. He saw how easy it was to get you into bed, even after knowing he was committed to someone. You have shown him that you don't care if you are a one night stand or an affair person, you do not value yourself nor respect yourself...so why should he?

 

It is really sad because I have been in that situation before. I got totally thrown under the bus and it was awful. That was years ago, the funny thing is he married the girl he cheated on (they also had a kid). Another example of bad, undeserving people who still manage to find someone to date and marry. Not saying the fiancee in this situation is bad or undeserving but she would marry him regardless. At 27 after being with someone for 4 years would you really leave over 1 indiscretion?

 

Yes, a person will dump another person over 1 indiscretion. I do t even understand your mentality - as if cheating is no big deal. It IS a big deal. His fiancée would probably dump him quick if she knew. Women don't like sharing their men, although it seems like OW don't mind. You know NOTHING about her - you have no idea if she would marry him if she knew. Stop judging people based on your views...because he is good looking, you think that equates to being a good guy. BS. From what you have posted, he is NOT a good guy, he's a douche. Yet you want this douche cause.....you don't want to be alone? Come on...wake up and realize being with someone doesn't equal happiness. Happiness comes from within YOU.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Now I am really confused. You have not seen nor had sex with him in a year? And he only contacts you in the morning at work? This not a relationship that is going anywhere. It sounds more like he is pulling away slowly hoping you go away on your own. That way you don't get ticked and tell his GF/F.

 

Look you are 23 and desperate to hurry and get married. That is a huge turn off. Relationships don't turn into getting married over night. Men your age are not just looking to get married. Mainly finding someone to contact with and slowly build a relationship. You start talking kids and marriage right away and they will run, no matter how old they are.

 

He and I had sex last year this time. Then he contacted me a few months ago. Most of the time I never initiate with him. He texts me during the day mostly in the morning but a few times at night I assume his fiancee was away idk. I don't mention my desire to be married or have kids with guys. I usually downplay it. I mean this guy was 23 when he met his gf and now she is his fiancee and soon to be wife, obviously some guys I want to be married.

[Zahara]

I mean this guy was 23 when he met his gf and now she is his fiancee and soon to be wife, obviously some guys I want to be married.

 

FFS, at 23 he met someone and now she is his fiancee and soon to be wife. At whatever age SHE is, HER LIFE is f***ed. You have ZERO perspective.

 

Until you get your life in order and that means being able to sufficiently exist on your own, self-esteem intact, without needing a man to fulfill you and keep you happy, without having marriage and kids define your life, you will forever be running around in circles.

 

It's unbelievably weak and desperate to hear you moan about being 23 and needing to settle down. You either have no goals in your life to focus on or you're just so dependent and in need of having man fill the void in your life. At 23 I was backpacking, traveling the world. The only reason you want what you want is because you are dependent on others to fulfill you.

Edited September 10, 2014 by Zahara

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

FFS, at 23 he met someone and now she is his fiancee and soon to be wife. At whatever age SHE is, HER LIFE is f***ed. You have ZERO perspective.

 

Until you get your life in order and that means being able to sufficiently exist on your own, without needing a man to fulfill you and keep you happy, without having marriage and kids define your life, you will forever be running around in circles.

 

It's unbelievably weak and desperate to hear you moan about being 23 and needing to settle down. You either have no goals in your life to focus on or you're just so dependent and in need of having man fill the void in your life. At 23 I was traveling the world backpacking.

I mean I just moved to a new town alone and I live alone and that is kind of cool, I am in grad school which I like. I do have goals, I just think being a wife and mother is more important.

[Zahara]

I mean I just moved to a new town alone and I live alone and that is kind of cool, I am in grad school which I like. I do have goals, I just think being a wife and mother is more important.

 

Of course it is important. But it isn't something that should cripple you and make you feel less than at 23.

 

You moved to a new town. Get on meetup.com and meet people. Be in the company of healthy and like minded people involved in activities you are passionate about. You open yourself to the possibility of meeting someone versus sitting around moaning about a douchebag and fantasizing about his life.

 

You're pursuing your education. At 23, let that be your focus for now.

 

Marriage and kids will find their way to you, and if it doesn't, it is not the end of the world. But if this goal makes you so dependent and weak, and most likely when you keep chasing it blindly, you're probably going to settle for a lot less in your obsession to get what you want.

 

Get your mind and heart healthy first. First step -- remove this clown from your life.

Edited September 10, 2014 by Zahara

[whichwayisup]

I do have goals, I just think being a wife and mother is more important.

That's fine, just stay away from men that have girlfriends, wives or are engaged. You are setting yourself up for that big hurt...I said that earlier too.

 

Anyway, don't you want to be independent and self sufficient? Rely on just yourself and not on a man to provide for you? You're young, 23, marriage should be the last thing on your mind. Many people are just starting out in life, new careers and saving money before getting married and having kids.

[endingpage]

I am usually a silent reader but I want to chime in and say: you will only feel like this now. A few weeks from now (or maybe months vs years, depending on how attached you are), you will look back and be ashamed that you ever thought so lowly of yourself and that you would ever settle for this kind of pseudo-relationship.

 

Don't think his fiancée is lucky bc she isn't. Don't think he is amazing and awesome and you will never do any better. You sound very desperate in all of your posts; if I can sense that as a complete internet stranger, then you better believe he can sense that and is preying on it. Don't let him. You are still young and have loads to live for and you will find someone that loves you as much as you him. I am 28 (so I am more or less ancient to your 23 years) and I was in your position a few months ago, full of self loathing and wondering if I could do better or if I could ever find someone else that liked me that much. I felt like this for a long, long time. It didn't help that he was my first sexual experience. Then I just snapped one day and realized, of course I can-- I am young, I am financially independent, I have my ***** together, I am fit and active, I have cool hobbies, I am friendly, I have friends who genuinely like me and want to be around me, etc. I sat down and made a list of all the things I liked about myself. Then I said I am my own harshest critic, so if I liked these things about myself, then I could find someone that really loved all these things about me.

 

Your feelings are raw and you seem to suffer from a crippling self esteem. It's okay. I felt this way too. But you should run away from this as fast as you can and allow yourself to heal. And you will. The thing you have to do FIRST is work on yourself. Workout, get in shape, buy some nice clothes, go for a massage, get some hobbies (or join an intramural sports league - great way to meet people), go for a spontaneous trip with good friends, treat yourself!

 

I lived through this so I know how hard it is, but you have to stop talking to this guy if you are ever gonna feel better about yourself. You can do it! Good luck.

[beach]

I mean I just moved to a new town alone and I live alone and that is kind of cool, I am in grad school which I like. I do have goals, I just think being a wife and mother is more important.

 

Ya...I used to think being a wife and mother was so important too.

 

I was married 23 years and have kids who are now grown. I divorced my exH because he wouldn't stop cheating.

 

So now that I am older and sacrificed most of my adult years to my husband and kids - and that season of my life has ended - guess what fulfills me now? WORK.

 

Stick with your goals to better yourself!

 

When you're busy with your goals then you will meet a man that adds a bit to your life.

 

Being his OW? Blah, it's just settling for nearly nothing.

 

If you lower your standards - you will disappoint yourself.

 

None of the blame is on him - you participated. You can stop participating and that creates room for a decent man to enter.

 

Most cheaters will always cast their line into the water to see IF you might be willing to bite - don't bite. They go looking elsewhere after a long while - for another person who makes it easy for them to cheat.

 

Cheaters cheat. All they do is look for someone to cheat with. If you bite - he will hang around. But that just short changes your chance of being open to available men.

[endingpage]

Also I cannot over emphasize how important it is to be financially independent. Being in love is great and all but being realistic, 1/2 marriages end in divorce and do you really want to find yourself divorced, without any work skills, and without some savings? You don't.

 

It also puts you at the mercy of the guy, which is just no way to live. Read stories about women who stay in abusive marriages just because they have been out of the work force for years and are now completely dependent on their spouses. Are you really going to be willing to put up with an abusive or serial cheater spouse just because you depend on him financially? What if he just decides to leave you for another woman? What will you do then? I understand it is important to you to be a good wife and mother, but think really hard about this.

 

Also, a lot of good men are drawn to and admire smart, driven women that pull their own weight. Work on yourself and they will come. I promise.

[bathtub-row]

Also, a lot of good men are drawn to and admire smart, driven women that pull their own weight. Work on yourself and they will come. I promise.

 

I'm not sure it's necessarily about pulling your own weight because women who stay at home are more than pulling their own weight. However, I do think it's about wanting to be with someone who has control over their own life, who can take care of themselves.

 

I totally agree with about being financially independent. It's never a good idea to be in a position where someone depends on another person for happiness or money.

[endingpage]

I'm not sure it's necessarily about pulling your own weight because women who stay at home are more than pulling their own weight. However, I do think it's about wanting to be with someone who has control over their own life, who can take care of themselves.

 

I totally agree with about being financially independent. It's never a good idea to be in a position where someone depends on another person for happiness or money.

 

Absolutely agree. Sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like stay at home moms don't pull their own weight or have tough jobs (I can't think of a harder job than taking care of young kids to be honest), but I meant pull your own weight as in being in control, self sufficient, reliable, etc. All those good things. Not someone that completely relies on someone else. That is never an attractive quality.

[Ruffian1]

"He is a good guy anyone would be lucky to be with him"

Ahh . . .no, he is not a good guy, he is a cheater and user, he is using you.

 

 

She would be lucky if you clued her in on what he is doing, especially before she marries him.

 

 

Stay away from him, he will only hurt you more.

[OffRail]

OP, it appears that you lack self love and are seeking another person to fill that void and make you whole again. Well, another person cannot make you whole, you have to do that yourself.

 

You are in no position to be in a relationship, or have kids. You need to work on yourself for now, and fix your issues first. Focus on your studies / career, then think about starting a family with someone you can love. Can you even afford a family now, or are you expecting a husband to support you ?

 

What happens, if for any reason, said marriage does not work out ? Now you would have children and no source of income, except child support ? Jobs aren't exactly falling off of trees, and being at an-home Mom (technically unemployed) is a huge risk, especially if the marriage should go south. And the longer you have stayed at home, the more unemployable you become. It is a sad fact that "displaced housewives" are a poverty stricken lot, especially if the ex-husband isn't too conscientious about keeping up with alimony and child support. Plus, what if he remarries and starts another family to support ? What if he is a serial adulterer ? With no financial independence, you will be in a bad place and have to tolerate his straying rather than leaving with head held high.

 

Being an at-home Mom IS NOT ALL THAT. It does not always end "happily ever after". Sorry but you seem to be living in some sort of a fantasy and out of touch with reality.

 

I suggest that you first finish up your education, go to work, save up $$$, work on your self - esteem and self - love issues, THEN look for a man to start a family with. You have until your early 40s to produce your offspring -- that is a good 2 decades of time on your side. You can easily save a boat load of cash in 20 years' time with a steady job, good saving and investing habits, and living a frugal lifestyle. And, for some reason, confidence, financial independence, and a great self-esteem seems to really attract the guys !

 

This is JMO. Good luck !!!

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

OP, it appears that you lack self love and are seeking another person to fill that void and make you whole again. Well, another person cannot make you whole, you have to do that yourself.

 

You are in no position to be in a relationship, or have kids. You need to work on yourself for now, and fix your issues first. Focus on your studies / career, then think about starting a family with someone you can love. Can you even afford a family now, or are you expecting a husband to support you ?

 

What happens, if for any reason, said marriage does not work out ? Now you would have children and no source of income, except child support ? Jobs aren't exactly falling off of trees, and being at an-home Mom (technically unemployed) is a huge risk, especially if the marriage should go south. And the longer you have stayed at home, the more unemployable you become. It is a sad fact that "displaced housewives" are a poverty stricken lot, especially if the ex-husband isn't too conscientious about keeping up with alimony and child support. Plus, what if he remarries and starts another family to support ? What if he is a serial adulterer ? With no financial independence, you will be in a bad place and have to tolerate his straying rather than leaving with head held high.

 

Being an at-home Mom IS NOT ALL THAT. It does not always end "happily ever after". Sorry but you seem to be living in some sort of a fantasy and out of touch with reality.

 

I suggest that you first finish up your education, go to work, save up $$$, work on your self - esteem and self - love issues, THEN look for a man to start a family with. You have until your early 40s to produce your offspring -- that is a good 2 decades of time on your side. You can easily save a boat load of cash in 20 years' time with a steady job, good saving and investing habits, and living a frugal lifestyle. And, for some reason, confidence, financial independence, and a great self-esteem seems to really attract the guys !

 

This is JMO. Good luck !!!

 

I'm just tired of being so lonely lol I guess that is the thing. I just watch everyone around me get into relationships and I still cannot get into one.

[Zahara]

I'm just tired of being so lonely lol I guess that is the thing. I just watch everyone around me get into relationships and I still cannot get into one.

 

Being lonely and wanting a relationship doesn't justify allowing yourself to be used by a douchebag. That is so indicative of you having no self-love.

 

I'd rather be alone and single than diminish by self-respect and value by picking up scraps from a user.

 

You really need to get your head straight. Your priorities and boundaries are all skewed.

Edited September 11, 2014 by Zahara

[2sunny]

He and I had sex last year this time. Then he contacted me a few months ago. Most of the time I never initiate with him. He texts me during the day mostly in the morning but a few times at night I assume his fiancee was away idk. I don't mention my desire to be married or have kids with guys. I usually downplay it. I mean this guy was 23 when he met his gf and now she is his fiancee and soon to be wife, obviously some guys I want to be married.

 

So STOP texting him... Like, never again!