Ex passed by when I was on a date

[LifeNomad]

well he pretty much told you he would tell you when hes ready so the ball is in his court.

 

 

maybe in a week or 2 a simple "hi hope your feeling better" short message wouldn't hurt.

[Bella2]

Yes, that's a good idea. Just a little message like that in a couple of weeks. Thanks

[Bella2]

And then OF COURSE it had to happen. I had told here that the best friend of my ex had sent me an invitation for the big birthday fiesta-party-thing, that he organised with my ex (birthdays around the same date). When I got that invitation I felt miserable, deleted it and was doing very well on not knowing when it was. Did Not Want To Know.

 

My best friend and I were planning to go out tomorrow. We had some plans, she just sent me a message: "Hey, it's also the birthday-thing of xxxx and xxxxx tomorrow night. Maybe you feel ready to go there? Or maybe you're not and I would totally understand that".

 

WTF?

 

My best friend, I love her to death, but sometimes.... she talks too much (I had already once said I didn't want to know the date). I haven't been talking about my ex to her at all lately, just because I don't want to. So maybe she thougtht: "Hey, maybe she is over him and we can go to this birthday!"

 

So, yippee yay, I know that he's having his night tomorrow night and I so did not want to know

[evanescentworld]

Yeah, and now you do. Don't sweat it.

Otherwise you're just doing this to yourself.

 

Why do you insist on clinging to pain, so?

Does it feel good?

Does it make you feel better?

 

Then fer goodness' sake, quit focusing through the wrong end of the telescope, woman!!

[Bella2]

I'm not clinging on to pain. I'm overall doing fine. I'm moving on.

 

I just did NOT want to know about this bloody party. Now I also understand that another friend was thinking of going. She knows my ex through me. Why the hell would she want to go? Apparentely, because I'm doing better, they think I'm over him. But I'm doing better doing the NC and trying not to know to much about his life.

 

So, yeah, whatever.

[evanescentworld]

That's the right attitude... but the fact you posted indicates it's still getting to you, and I am honestly of the opinion you are so much better than that!

 

Work towards genuine BENIGN indifference.

That's the aim, here.....

[Bella2]

I think I'm over it all. I just ran into a picture of my ex and his new girlfriend on Facebook (once again through some contact that has nothing to do with him). There they are in a cinema, it was a première or something, snuggled together and holding hands.

 

I hardly felt a thing

 

I guess I have healed!

[Bella2]

Yes, I'm still doing fine. Single life isn't that bad (seriously, it has it advantages!). Last weekend I ran into my ex TWICE. Both times there was no escape. I saw him coming down the street with his girlfriend (arms around her and all). I noticed them, I saw that he was feeling very uncomfortable, and so was I, but I just smiled and said in a happy voice: "Hello!!!" He did the same and then we walked on. Did feel a bit shocked after this, but was able to shake it off quite easily.

 

 

Two days later, I was with a friend to visit a book fair and there he was again, without the girlfriend. "Hello!" I said again, smile and all, and walked on. My friend - who knows him - talked with him for a minute while I waited for her a bit further on.

 

 

Stupid thing I did yesterday: I was on somebody elses FB-account. Suddenly I was feeling very curious. I snooped. Found a picture of my ex and his new girlfriend. I have to admit, it was a beautiful picture and they look really great together, two very good looking people. The picture had 90 likes!!! A lot of people I know liked the picture. That sort of hurt. Knowing that all these people I know are now liking him and "the new one". Also the comments: "Ooooh, you are so so beautiful together!" "Oooh, stunning!!!!" And then they both liked the comment, of course. I can just imagine my ex saying to "the new one": "O, we look sooooooo great together!"

 

 

I'm not depressed over it or anything, but I've been seeing this picture in my head since then, been thinking about them, how they are now the official couple loved and adored apparentely by all these people I (used to) know. So why did I look? Curious, still some self torture, I don't know....

 

 

Word of advice: do not snoop on social media!!! (really, do not do it, especially when you're still feeling very fragile)

[BC1980]

Don't take these people liking and accepting them as a couple as an insult to you. I promise it's not. They don't have the same experiences with him and don't care as deeply. To them, they're just any other couple. My ex is well liked by our peer group, and that's been hard for me at times. By peer group, I mean people we work with. Sometimes, I think, if they only knew. . . . But the thing is that these people only have a superficial relationship compared to what I had. So they aren't as involved and don't care as much. It's not an insult to me that many of them like him. You're doing great by the way.

[Michael 93]

Yes, I'm still doing fine. Single life isn't that bad (seriously, it has it advantages!). Last weekend I ran into my ex TWICE. Both times there was no escape. I saw him coming down the street with his girlfriend (arms around her and all). I noticed them, I saw that he was feeling very uncomfortable, and so was I, but I just smiled and said in a happy voice: "Hello!!!" He did the same and then we walked on. Did feel a bit shocked after this, but was able to shake it off quite easily.

 

 

Two days later, I was with a friend to visit a book fair and there he was again, without the girlfriend. "Hello!" I said again, smile and all, and walked on. My friend - who knows him - talked with him for a minute while I waited for her a bit further on.

 

 

Stupid thing I did yesterday: I was on somebody elses FB-account. Suddenly I was feeling very curious. I snooped. Found a picture of my ex and his new girlfriend. I have to admit, it was a beautiful picture and they look really great together, two very good looking people. The picture had 90 likes!!! A lot of people I know liked the picture. That sort of hurt. Knowing that all these people I know are now liking him and "the new one". Also the comments: "Ooooh, you are so so beautiful together!" "Oooh, stunning!!!!" And then they both liked the comment, of course. I can just imagine my ex saying to "the new one": "O, we look sooooooo great together!"

 

 

I'm not depressed over it or anything, but I've been seeing this picture in my head since then, been thinking about them, how they are now the official couple loved and adored apparentely by all these people I (used to) know. So why did I look? Curious, still some self torture, I don't know....

 

 

Word of advice: do not snoop on social media!!! (really, do not do it, especially when you're still feeling very fragile)

 

 

 

Quite ashamed to admit I did EXACTLY the same thing yesterday. And the EXACT same outcome. Not sure whether its the time of year or what but I'm feeling and thinking about her a lot more at the moment.

 

Pictures of them, lots of likes, mutual friends liking it (not close friends, but enough to say hello)

 

That's crazy how the exact same happened to me on the same day!

 

She looks incredibly happy with him. She has since become kind of Facebook famous and is a lot more popular since our B/U.

 

How do you feel on the situation Bella?

[Jimmyjackson]

Having sat on both sides of that table, I will answer that question for you as a dumper. You probably still won't identify, but it is the truth, and it could be you one day. We have very little control over how we feel.

 

There are generally two scenarios:

 

1) You are so toxic that leaving you is total freedom relief. We never want to think about you again, and probably never will, unless it is with regret. The next person is a breath of fresh air.

 

2) Someone else sparked our interest before we did the dumping. Just like when we felt an interest in you, there was no particular reason.. they say you don't choose love, love chooses you. It's pretty true. And sometimes what happens is IT (love, infatuation,etc.) chooses us again, even when we're with you. It is the same feeling of hope and excitement and desire we felt with you, except now it is directed at someone else.

 

When that happens, it becomes very important to make things "right" with the current love interest, you. We don't want to cheat. We don't want to lie to you, but we don't want to tell you the whole truth either, because we think that it is unnecessary to hurt you like that. So, we're vague, or we offer some bull**** reason that really doesn't make sense, and doesn't satisfy you, or worse, we tell you half the truth - "I don't feel that way about you any more." That is if we're not a coward, and not a total a$$hat.

 

Also, because everything was fine up until the moment we met the new person, it comes right out of the blue... no warning whatsoever. This makes it worse for you because it is important for you to know why. The dumper doesn't care why his/her feelings have suddenly changed, because new feelings have replaced the old ones. The dumper feels the same... just about somebody else. The dumper can't explain it, because we haven't even thought about it.

 

How do we do it? Our motivations are different... you're clinging, and we are pursuing someone else. We feel totally different, because our heads are in a completely different place already.

 

I've never been the dumper who soon gets dumped, so I don't know about the breadcrumb or rebound variety of dumper. That seems like a pretty insincere and insecure person.

 

But that's how it is. All that history suddenly doesn't mean so much any more. It is a fond memory, but no longer a compelling one.

 

Don't hate us for that. We can't help it. All we can control is how we give you the news.

 

The second point you made is exactly what happened to me, she went away and met someone else. She said she didn't cheat on me and ended things with me once she returned. However, she won't ever see this guy again either.

 

Got the "I don't feel the same way anymore" speech but she didn't tell me about the other guy until I asked if there was anyone else.

 

Just a quick question; if dumpers who leave you for someone else, once that spark dies; do they realise what they've lost and regret?

[evanescentworld]

....

Just a quick question; if dumpers who leave you for someone else, once that spark dies; do they realise what they've lost and regret?

 

No. Generally, they ask themselves why they always seem to pick 'wrong 'uns". I'm not saying you are. I'm just saying that is what they think.

[Jimmyjackson]

No. Generally, they ask themselves why they always seem to pick 'wrong 'uns". I'm not saying you are. I'm just saying that is what they think.

 

Yeah, I'm definitely not a wrong un. I was great to her but I got a little needy towards the end so can see why she might've lost interest. Before that I used to be a bit more of a challenge and she was basically obsessed with me.

[jphcbpa]

NC means no FB snooping.

 

Please know that FB is all BS. No one puts photos of themselves up crying, sad and depressed. Nothing anyone does on FB should be taken personally.

[RedButton]

When my ex broke up with me, she said it was just that she realised we were incompatible. I felt the same way, and was actually considering breaking things off a few weeks prior.

 

I don't think either of us got to the point where we hated the other or 'needed to get away', nor do I think there was another person involved. I even told her 'I hope you do find someone that's more compatible' after she told me I deserve someone amazing. She told me she thinks she'd just going to do her own thing for a while, and not look for someone else right now.

 

Even after all that, I feel like my heart would break if I saw her with someone else (1.5 months of no contact/breakup right now). Thankfully we've been good with keeping space, and I won't contact her again until I feel much better and confident so I can return a few things she forgot to take with her and be able to chat without getting myself hurt.

[Ganz7]

Bella

 

You are doing the same thing I've been doing for the last few weeks: still wanting to talk about my ex and so on. My friends bumped into my ex last Saturday and I was like: who was she with; where were they going; did she say anything; what was your take on it.. etc. The reality is the ex is not even thinking about you unless it is for an ego boost.

 

My take on the dumpers using one of my crappy analogies would be like getting a new car. It is exciting and new and you can't wait to drive it every morning. After a period of time you take it for granted and don't even notice it anymore. It just performs a function: getting you from a to b, which after all is it really does best. After a period of time it will deteriorate and become as worn out as your last car. Now, you can do one of two things: a) either wash and polish and look after your car (nurturing it) and it should last you for many years or b) trade it in for a different or newer model. I guess the dumper isn't a nurturing type - although I'm no real expert on these matters. when my ex left me she dumped not only me but all her personal stuff (clothes, toiletries) for me to sort out. Her response was: just throw them away. Clothes aren't meant to last forever. Funny as I've got clothes I've kept in good condition for 20 years!

 

Think of all the good people in your life: family and friends, they wouldn't break your heart in this way. They are worth spending time with. Don't dwell on your ex he is not worth it. I found out my ex had a new bf by looking at her fb page. Wasn't nice to find out that way and it set me back in terms of healing.

Edited December 10, 2014 by Ganz7

[Bella2]

Quite ashamed to admit I did EXACTLY the same thing yesterday. And the EXACT same outcome. Not sure whether its the time of year or what but I'm feeling and thinking about her a lot more at the moment.

 

Pictures of them, lots of likes, mutual friends liking it (not close friends, but enough to say hello)

 

That's crazy how the exact same happened to me on the same day!

 

She looks incredibly happy with him. She has since become kind of Facebook famous and is a lot more popular since our B/U.

 

How do you feel on the situation Bella?

 

I think I snooped, because he was in a way "triggered" after i ran into him twice a couple of days ago. He walked past me, holding his girlfriend. I didn't get a good look at her... Curiosity got to me, and when I was on somebody else's FB-account, where he is not blocked, well.... there I went

 

Thinking about him more since I ran into him, and after seeing The Picture With 90 Likes, but I'm fine, really. I don't miss him, I don't want him... Just it sometimes still stings a bit that he immediately found someone else, who's absolutely gorgeous and they seem to really hit it off. But, that's The Ego talking.

 

He's Mister Popular around here. He's very good looking, a published artist, he knows everyone in town and around. When I was with him, I entered his world of hip & happening people. One of his best friends is a known fotographer here, and so I was also often in pictures on FB etc. People I had never met before would recognize me because they had seen me in pictures.

 

But, I didn't really feel comfortable around these people (my problem, they were nice and everything). I can feel really insecure around people I find intimidating, but that's something I bring on myself. I think I have nothing interesting to say, that they will find me boring or so. Must be something left over from childhood or something, dunno. I feel at ease around "my kind of people".

 

Anyway, I have now been "replaced" by some woman who is beautiful and also known and popular around here. I guess they go well together. But in a way I don't care so much. I've had several serious relationships in my life. So has my ex. And I do think they won't last forever and - yes, childish and horrible - that makes me feel better

 

Michael, how are you dealing with it all then?

[Bella2]

Bella

 

You are doing the same thing I've been doing for the last few weeks: still wanting to talk about my ex and so on. My friends bumped into my ex last Saturday and I was like: who was she with; where were they going; did she say anything; what was your take on it.. etc. The reality is the ex is not even thinking about you unless it is for an ego boost.

 

My take on the dumpers using one of my crappy analogies would be like getting a new car. It is exciting and new and you can't wait to drive it every morning. After a period of time you take it for granted and don't even notice it anymore. It just performs a function: getting you from a to b, which after all is it really does best. After a period of time it will deteriorate and become as worn out as your last car. Now, you can do one of two things: a) either wash and polish and look after your car (nurturing it) and it should last you for many years or b) trade it in for a different or newer model. I guess the dumper isn't a nurturing type - although I'm no real expert on these matters. when my ex left me she dumped not only me but all her personal stuff (clothes, toiletries) for me to sort out. Her response was: just throw them away. Clothes aren't meant to last forever. Funny as I've got clothes I've kept in good condition for 20 years!

 

Think of all the good people in your life: family and friends, they wouldn't break your heart in this way. They are worth spending time with. Don't dwell on your ex he is not worth it. I found out my ex had a new bf by looking at her fb page. Wasn't nice to find out that way and it set me back in terms of healing.

 

This is exactly what I think my ex does. He's never been out of a relationship for a long time. He's always had someone ready to go (always beautiful women, which would make me feel insecure about myself, I would compare myself with his exes which is stupid, but I can't help myself).

 

He's now with - as you say - "a new model car". Will this last "forever"? I seriously doubt it. When they hooked up, they hardly knew each other (as far as I know). He was attracted to her, mostly fysically I guess. When the "newness" wears off and the passion fizzles, what will be left over?

 

I don't know, nobody knows, time will tell.

[Bella2]

Don't take these people liking and accepting them as a couple as an insult to you. I promise it's not. They don't have the same experiences with him and don't care as deeply. To them, they're just any other couple. My ex is well liked by our peer group, and that's been hard for me at times. By peer group, I mean people we work with. Sometimes, I think, if they only knew. . . . But the thing is that these people only have a superficial relationship compared to what I had. So they aren't as involved and don't care as much. It's not an insult to me that many of them like him. You're doing great by the way.

 

Thanks. It does feel a bit like that, like they turned me down or something. Which is stupid, because the two of them have nothing to do with me. I know...

[Bella2]

When my ex broke up with me, she said it was just that she realised we were incompatible. I felt the same way, and was actually considering breaking things off a few weeks prior.

 

I don't think either of us got to the point where we hated the other or 'needed to get away', nor do I think there was another person involved. I even told her 'I hope you do find someone that's more compatible' after she told me I deserve someone amazing. She told me she thinks she'd just going to do her own thing for a while, and not look for someone else right now.

 

Even after all that, I feel like my heart would break if I saw her with someone else (1.5 months of no contact/breakup right now). Thankfully we've been good with keeping space, and I won't contact her again until I feel much better and confident so I can return a few things she forgot to take with her and be able to chat without getting myself hurt.

 

You sound very reasonable. It's only been 1,5 months, you will be fine! And yes, it might hurt when you know one day she's seeing someone else, but you will also survive that!!! (I did )

[BC1980]

Thanks. It does feel a bit like that, like they turned me down or something. Which is stupid, because the two of them have nothing to do with me. I know...

 

I get it. I kind of wanted people to be on "my side." I guess it's normal, but there aren't any sides to other people. They don't care. Most people are generally concerned with their own little world and not ours.

[Michael 93]

I think I snooped, because he was in a way "triggered" after i ran into him twice a couple of days ago. He walked past me, holding his girlfriend. I didn't get a good look at her... Curiosity got to me, and when I was on somebody else's FB-account, where he is not blocked, well.... there I went

 

Thinking about him more since I ran into him, and after seeing The Picture With 90 Likes, but I'm fine, really. I don't miss him, I don't want him... Just it sometimes still stings a bit that he immediately found someone else, who's absolutely gorgeous and they seem to really hit it off. But, that's The Ego talking.

 

He's Mister Popular around here. He's very good looking, a published artist, he knows everyone in town and around. When I was with him, I entered his world of hip & happening people. One of his best friends is a known fotographer here, and so I was also often in pictures on FB etc. People I had never met before would recognize me because they had seen me in pictures.

 

But, I didn't really feel comfortable around these people (my problem, they were nice and everything). I can feel really insecure around people I find intimidating, but that's something I bring on myself. I think I have nothing interesting to say, that they will find me boring or so. Must be something left over from childhood or something, dunno. I feel at ease around "my kind of people".

 

Anyway, I have now been "replaced" by some woman who is beautiful and also known and popular around here. I guess they go well together. But in a way I don't care so much. I've had several serious relationships in my life. So has my ex. And I do think they won't last forever and - yes, childish and horrible - that makes me feel better

 

Michael, how are you dealing with it all then?

 

 

 

Its absolutely fascinating at how similar our stories are, seriously.

 

My ex's new boyfriend is also incredibly popular. Like some kind of dancer who is like a god on social networking. Not her usual type but like you mentioned, they do seem very happy together..

 

It does affect your ego slightly. The last couple of months I've felt much more confident and together, I could visit her office without it completely overwhelming me, there were even points where when we seen each other it was a "hey, how are you" and that was that. I kind of got to the point where I could be civil and happy for her. Even after I found out she had a "new,new" boyfriend I remained the same and was cool with her, that is when she started publicising her new RS. I'm guessing she felt like "hey Michael's OK now, I can be myself and show how happy this guy makes me feel"

 

With the guy she left me with, there were no pictures or any sort of stuff surrounding him. So that's how I know maybe this is the proper thing.

 

Since all of this I have became more curious and thinking about her much more, snooping etc. this shows me I am still not ready for that indifferent relationship with her. I need to revert back to strict NC as it wasn't the time to be cool yet..

 

I overheard her cackling and hysterically laughing in the background whilst speaking to her colleague on the phone yesterday and it drained me, like it used to..

 

My confidence has set me back, thinking I was OK has made me fall back a few steps. That's quite disappointing.

 

Back to the drawing board, paired with NY and Christmas its just a disaster waiting to happen really! I am quite down at the moment so its time to continue re-inventing myself. Doesn't help I haven't been with a woman for a long amount of time now.

 

That is my current plan Bella. Crazy how our stories are so similar.

 

I wish you the best and know that I will be following and commenting on your threads.

 

Mike

[Michael 93]

Bella

 

You are doing the same thing I've been doing for the last few weeks: still wanting to talk about my ex and so on. My friends bumped into my ex last Saturday and I was like: who was she with; where were they going; did she say anything; what was your take on it.. etc. The reality is the ex is not even thinking about you unless it is for an ego boost.

 

My take on the dumpers using one of my crappy analogies would be like getting a new car. It is exciting and new and you can't wait to drive it every morning. After a period of time you take it for granted and don't even notice it anymore. It just performs a function: getting you from a to b, which after all is it really does best. After a period of time it will deteriorate and become as worn out as your last car. Now, you can do one of two things: a) either wash and polish and look after your car (nurturing it) and it should last you for many years or b) trade it in for a different or newer model. I guess the dumper isn't a nurturing type - although I'm no real expert on these matters. when my ex left me she dumped not only me but all her personal stuff (clothes, toiletries) for me to sort out. Her response was: just throw them away. Clothes aren't meant to last forever. Funny as I've got clothes I've kept in good condition for 20 years!

 

Think of all the good people in your life: family and friends, they wouldn't break your heart in this way. They are worth spending time with. Don't dwell on your ex he is not worth it. I found out my ex had a new bf by looking at her fb page. Wasn't nice to find out that way and it set me back in terms of healing.

 

 

 

That's a very good analogy..

[Bella2]

I'm slightly nervous. I'm still doing fine, but tonight I'm going to some kind of game night, where we "battle" each other in teams to see who knows the most about music. It's fun

 

But, I know the ex will be there with his girlfriend (not on my team ) and I wish they weren't gonna be there. I just dressed myself in a little black dress, did my hair and make-up and hope I look a 100x better than "the new one"

 

Don't know if I would have signed up, if I knew they were gonna be there... pffff.....

 

I'll say a friendly hello and otherwise ignore them.

[BC1980]

I'm slightly nervous. I'm still doing fine, but tonight I'm going to some kind of game night, where we "battle" each other in teams to see who knows the most about music. It's fun

 

But, I know the ex will be there with his girlfriend (not on my team ) and I wish they weren't gonna be there. I just dressed myself in a little black dress, did my hair and make-up and hope I look a 100x better than "the new one"

 

Don't know if I would have signed up, if I knew they were gonna be there... pffff.....

 

I'll say a friendly hello and otherwise ignore them.

 

How many other people will be there? You're stuck between a rock and hard place since you signed up before knowing he would be there.